I find it very odd that you want anything to do with somebody who abused you.
Is it the "good" in you, or the fact you still hope for a R one day maybe ?
IDK - honest answer. Some days I really wish I could just be really angry... I mean really angry. I wonder if all of this would be easier if I was angry???
I've spent a great deal of time focusing on healing and just getting my emotions in check. It was important to me to find a place of calm and to make decisions from a calm place.
I truly feel that my STBXH is good 80%of the time but the other 20% is made up of bad coping skills where extreme lack of sleep and stress made them tremendously worse.
My STBXH is a war veteran - is this PTSD? Neither of us knew. However, he did know what he was doing to me was wrong. I know he opened up to a fellow veteran about one incident (though when I tried to talk about the road rage issues with this particular person my H got angry and shut down so clearly he was NOT ready to deal with all of his issues.) Part of the reason he left was that he was afraid he was going to hurt me at some point - he had so much bottled up anger. There were verbal threats of harm during the separation process - you could just see his anger but he kept his distance.
Yes - the road rage has been an issue for many years. So I don't want to gloss over it or sweep it under the rug and I've had some indication that perhaps there was another incident not to long ago which is how he dented the front end of the truck grill.
My goal has always been to take the high road.
My STBXH was at my office a few weeks ago picking up the puppy post surgery. We were doing things in getting the dog ready for the road including doing a spot bath. My employer made a comment the next week about how well we seemed to be getting along. My response "I could continue to be angry at him but what would that solve? How does that help me?".
Do I want to R with a man who bought a home and supported OW and her adult daughters??? YUCK. But, when I think back to the man I married... yeah I still like that guy... a lot.
So IDK. Honest answer. I'm just trying to live my life in a manner that makes me feel good and happy with who I am.
Are you puppy buddies who occasionally text, joke and exchange your life experiences or are you the stbxw who has been abused, cheated on etc. and value yourself too much to let him in your life?
And thought a thoughtful answer to it was this:
Originally Posted by KitCat
Do I work on personal growth and continue to be that good person inside of me OR do I let the hurt person win??? Regardless of how he has treated me - cheating, the on going lying. Its reflection on my character and not his right?
is exactly where the problem lies.
So I'm going to lay this out for you as politely and matter-of-factly as I can.
As a human person you are not either a good person or a bad person. There's a lot of misconception on this board and in life that people are either one or the other. Human beings are unfortunately far more complex than some silly binary trope. However your stbxh treated you poorly. He treated you poorly as a wife, as a friend and as a fellow human. How you interact with him has little to do with forgiveness or anger. Yeah, you need to let those things go in due time as you process through, but you aren't anywhere near that. As I can see it, you've done very little to process the toxicity of this relationship or truly start the grieving process of it's demise. You are still holding out hope, and most of us can't understand why a person who was lucky enough to leave an abusive relationship alive would continue to hold out hope.
What LH is asking you here is how are you going to walk this path? What is your journey as this man's exW? Are you going to be a happy puppy buddy to a person who treated you like you were worthless so you can keep a door open that stbxh has been very clear is nailed and painted shut? Or are you going to love you and your personal peace more than a possibility with a man who never really valued you?
The options LH gave you aren't black and white. It isn't my exW my bestie or my exW the b*tch. There is a ton of middle ground where you are perfectly capable of not only being true to yourself, and taking a high road, but where you put you, your heart and your psyche as a priority over stbxh.
But my suspicion is as it has been that you aren't emotionally mature or emotionally well enough to see that very broad middle ground. That would require an egregious amount of self love, self confidence, and self worth that I can see clear as day that you are lacking. These choices you keep making, the choices with men, the choices with stbxh, the drama that surrounds you that is so off putting to Mr. Brightside and few others, isn't mental illness out right. It's trauma. You function on trauma responses almost solely, without any foresight, with very little regard to the consequences for your own heart and safety. Trust me when I said I was that person. I was. So many of us with rough FOO are this person. But you need to realize you are that person before anything in your life especially your love life will every change for the better.
You are worthy. You are valuable. You are loveable. You are so much more than you think you are. But you have to slow down. You have to take a very real inventory of what you contribute in these destructive cycles. You have to realize your growth means growing past the trauma that allowed you to be in a relationship like the one you were in with stbxh and for what I can only assume would be others with men exactly like him before. If you want to be good person. If you want to grown, you have to start recognizing your own cycles, your own toxicity and your behavior that is dictated by your trauma. I don't believe that you're mentally ill in the easily diagnosable sense, but you have to start doing some real work, and soon. How much more humiliation are you willing to suffer at the hands of men when there is so much you could do to keep your self out of those positions?
Have you ever read about The Nice Girl Syndrome? If not, please google it, and see if you think it sounds familiar with some of your traits. Don't confuse it with the the one that's called the good girl syndrome, b/c that one is mostly linked to feelings about sex. Take a look at nice girl syndrome. You may find some answers in why you endure abusive and manipulative relationships. I'm interested in knowing what you think.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Have you ever read about The Nice Girl Syndrome? If not, please google it, and see if you think it sounds familiar with some of your traits. Don't confuse it with the the one that's called the good girl syndrome, b/c that one is mostly linked to feelings about sex. Take a look at nice girl syndrome. You may find some answers in why you endure abusive and manipulative relationships. I'm interested in knowing what you think.
((hugs))
I think this is probably pretty spot on for me. I've been guilty about all 7 features at some point.
The good news is that I have been tackling a couple of the 7 prior to even reading what this was about. I'm saying "no" more... the next step is then not wallowing for days over the guilt of saying "no"... and yes, that does happen. I was asked recently to do something for my mother but the timing would not work with my schedule and then leaving for vacation. I told my mother "no" and briefly explained I cannot get to another town by 4pm when I work till 6-7pm, followed by the only day I have free is the day I leave for vacation. She was NOT pleased by her passive aggressive tone and follow up text 2 days later. The guilt stayed with me for a solid 5 days. The only way I could manage the guilt was to not reply to her text message and just not have contact at all with her.
I get it. I'm still trying to please my STBXH despite what a piece of crap he was to me at times. I can look back and see we would take vacations to Hawaii, Las Vegas... and I would be sitting there silently crying. Tears streaming down my face for the way he would make me feel and then 2hr later he would act like it was no big deal and for me to get over it. He would never apologize - just try to do something he thought I would perceive as nice and then never give it another thought.
But, perhaps I contributed to these situations? By not being able to take ANY criticism??? I spent a great chunk of time defending my actions or rather a better term would be "what I do for you". For example - STBXH commuted over 2hr a day while I had a commute of 10min. Therefore, I felt it was my responsibility to do 100% of the laundry, housekeeping, and cooking. When STBXH would be stressed, tired, frustrated and not dealing with it well, I often said "I'm doing the laundry, the cooking and cleaning". STBXH would be resentful feeling that I held those things over this head... He would get angry if I said "I cooked you dinner". His reply would be "are you not eating too? so then you cooked 'us' dinner". I would get frustrated because my statement wasn't meant to imply that I was also not doing something for myself... that's not how I meant it. It took him leaving for me to see how my statement made him feel. I think it was wrong of him to treat me that way over "I cooked you dinner", however I should have validated his feelings better. Yes, I can see how you would feel that way when I make my actions about "you" and not "us".
All this time and I'm still getting drug down by the weight of my emotions/guilt of how it took me so long to see my STBXH's side. I'm not agreeing that he was right but he also wasn't wrong all of the time. Its just sad and terrible that I am unable to let him know that "I get it now, I understand why and how some of these things bothered you
Currently I'm balancing being pleasing not only to my STBXH but also today my atty. It can be a vicious cycle some days for sure.
I get it. I'm still trying to please my STBXH despite what a piece of crap he was to me at times. I can look back and see we would take vacations to Hawaii, Las Vegas... and I would be sitting there silently crying. Tears streaming down my face for the way he would make me feel and then 2hr later he would act like it was no big deal and for me to get over it. He would never apologize - just try to do something he thought I would perceive as nice and then never give it another thought.
This is exactly what abusers do. To apologize would admit that they were in the wrong. Instead they try to "smooth" over it with gifts, compliments, etc. Reminds me of the scene in the movie Sleeping With The Enemy. After hitting her he goes out and gets her an expensive negliegee, and then expects her to wear it for him and to have sex. It is intimidation, narcissism, and gaslighting all rolled together. I even remember him telling her "I am sorry we quarreled." HUH? You smacked her around there was no quarreling! GASLIGHTING!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I then called STBXH today and discussed with him that I was informed that my portion of his pension was twice the value that we both thought it was.... He was surprised by that as was I. He than asked for a number.
I gave him the very top highest number that my atty thought would be possible...
And, he said "ouch"... then okay.
I then went on and listed other items which he would be financially responsible for as well as I wanted a very small portion of liquid assets.
He just agreed to everything... He asked how soon this was to be written up. I told him as soon as I am back from vacation I will follow up with my atty.
STBXH then asked "your still okay to watch puppy when I'm on vacation"... I told him "yes". I will be working out how he can drop off/pick up the dog without seeing me or talking to me.
I know no one here is surprised. Its been a long road and I'm just numb at the moment.
It was just words, and he's a liar, so I put no weight into his saying "ok" or agreeing. I'm glad this is moving towards conclusion and hope he signs off when you return so this is as smooth as possible.
It was just words, and he's a liar, so I put no weight into his saying "ok" or agreeing. I'm glad this is moving towards conclusion and hope he signs off when you return so this is as smooth as possible.
I unfortunately think CW is right. It was almost as if "I need her to babysit the puppy so I'll play nice for now." It could also be that he is just to a point of wanting it over so he is willing to agree to any reasonable terms in order to move on. But the "you are still going to watch puppy" comment has me leery.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
