My summer, won’t be too exciting, however the beach is close enough and I have Los Angeles about 45 minutes away which has tons of restaurants and museums. I know I can busy myself on the weekends.
The one thing I really struggle with is not going by myself (I’m good company!) it’s wishing he could be the person that wants to come, too. We finally have resources to have fun and I’m doing all of these things that I know he’d enjoy. This makes me sad and I hate that it does because he has disconnected and gone places without me without a look back.
If D ends up getting a well paying offer, she said she probably would take it. She can work anywhere, but I think eventually she would live in Europe. I know I can visit on my own if this happens, but again, I’d like us both to go but he would obviously have to mend things with her and me and I truly am one of those who feels his MLC will last forever.
I told my therapist that I know he wants a divorce because that is what he told me and I trust his word and she laughed. She reminded me of other things, positive and negative, throughout our marriage that did not come to pass. I know I have hope inside, otherwise I wouldn’t be standing, but I don’t know why I believe him so strongly.
He has done NOTHING. All he did was tell me and live in the other room. He’s been working on his hobby. He ignores D and me. I almost feel like he is pushing for me to file, telling him how horrible he is being. I’m not.
So anyway, today was car wash, I’ll shop for a Father’s Day gift for my dad and finishing a good mystery later. (I love to read!)
The one thing I really struggle with is not going by myself (I’m good company!) it’s wishing he could be the person that wants to come, too.
Yes going out solo is a struggle. For years and years you and H did things together, and now not.
My first “big” solo outing was a nice steak diner. I don’t recall exactly when, although I did write about it here, I think. Lol. Anyhow, meals out, going to the restaurant, was a family thing. W and I, and usually the kids too. Sure we’d individually grab a burger or some such fast food if we were out for the day shopping or some such. However, a planned meal, an outing, well that was a family thing.
This meal happened early on in my journey and I was still very unsure and full of doubts. Divorced guy, having a meal alone, lol, it felt like I had some mark branded into me that screamed out at everyone. Of course, in reality no one really notices that much.
Still, one of the steps along the path. Letting go. Living and enjoying one’s life.
And yes, the wishing one’s spouse wanted to join you. That’s a hard one to let go of.
Originally Posted by PLC
We finally have resources to have fun and I’m doing all of these things that I know he’d enjoy. This makes me sad and I hate that it does because he has disconnected and gone places without me without a look back.
I know what you mean.
MLC happens at mid life. Right when our lives are smoothing out - kids are grown, bills are mostly paid, money is not the problem it once was. And then, Boom!, not so smooth, D, custody issues, money problems, etc.
Focus on you. It’s ok to realize that which H once used to enjoy. Do not let it keep you from living and enjoying those times. Go out for a steak dinner (as an example) (hmmm, perhaps I should not type when I’m hungry. )
If daughter gets a job in Europe, for sure go visit her. And do it sans H. He has a ways to go yet. Besides anyone who just stays in his room isn’t getting dragged along on a airplane ride across the globe, IMHO.
I think you are correct that H is looking for you to explode and push things along. Time and space. And let him do the heavy lifting. You know this is a marathon and not a sprint. Focus on you and live your life. When/if H wants to join you he can find the courage to ask (he has before).
Originally Posted by PLC
I know I have hope inside, otherwise I wouldn’t be standing
Who or what are you standing for? You or H?
Hope is a power force. Standing for you, as odd as this will sound, transcends hope. Standing for you lives in the realm of beliefs. That actually reinforces hope. For if one stands hopeful, then when hope wanes so does one’s reason to stand.
Have hope, and stand. Two separate items. You will still stand for you when all is hopeless, and in that act, hope renews.
It a nice sunny day here. Hoping it is a pleasant day there as well.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I conquered dining alone about four months in. I went out for my birthday. It was a Friday evening, and I did not want to be home with H avoiding me and I did not want to tell family, so I went out alone. I texted my therapist a couple of times and ultimately enjoyed myself.
I’ve conquered the movies and realized going solo to the movies is fantastic! It’s just missing that companion.
I am standing for me. My beliefs. My dreams. If that leads to a D, I will know I’ve done all I could. I want to be that lighthouse for him, but right now, I don’t think he’s offshore. He’s still out on the choppy seas.
Weather here has been hot, seems to be more of the same. It’s Fathers Day, so I will visiting my dad. I hope if you celebrate Father’s Day, you enjoy yourself too. Your kids are lucky to have you!
I only went out because I refused to be home and if he knew it was my birthday and I was home, I did not want to give him any satisfaction.
So MIL is coming to see D before she leaves. She asked if she could, as she has in the past, stay with us. I told her yes, and then I had to tell her what all has been going on. She was upset and felt responsible. I told her absolutely not that this is his journey. We discussed his past to try and understand what could have triggered this. All she could surmise is that right before H and I met, she had left his dad (apparently verbally abusive) and lived on her own for a year. She moved back into the home, knew it was not going to work, but her MIL died suddenly then her father became ill and passed. So within a year three traumatic things and I walked right into the middle of it with no knowledge. We got married and he never dealt with all of it.
So that gave me some insight, but it doesn’t change anything within him. I just understand and can empathize.
She is not telling him she’s coming, so this will be interesting. (He rarely speaks with her) so I wonder how he will react or if he says something.
So that is my update. She did mention if D ends up staying overseas she and I can go visit her. I also told her once D leaves I will pack up the pooches and head up north to stay a while with her. I am glad she’s in my life.
No one knows about this situation. This is just easier at this time.
I have anxiety about them seeing each other tomorrow. She is concerned about her son and she’s concerned about me. I know as a mom, she’ll want to speak to him and I wonder if he will gaslight her or actually talk to her.
I haven’t even seen him. So it will be interesting when she shows up if he is even home. He usually is in the room by 4:00 on, but who knows.
So I mentioned today the MIL was coming to see D before she embarks on her trip. He said ok. I then mentioned she was staying here. He seems unphased, left and then called D on her phone to ask if she’d like to put her excess stuff (from the living room, where she sleeps) outside by the garage, then he’d put it in the garage. It’s apparent he wanted to be “present” for his mom.
When MIL arrived, he was home and greeted her. He later came and sat with us and we talked about movies he’d seen at the theater. He eventually got up and left the room and did not say anything. We did not see him again.
He has texted D from the other room to ask her to breakfast tomorrow. It’s all so weird. I was so concerned about having family here, and he has basically avoided his mom. If I had t told her, she would just assume he was being aloof.
It still is anxiety producing, but i need to focus on me and not try to figure out where his head is.
Yes, that is some weird interactions going on from H.
Originally Posted by PLC
She is not telling him she’s coming, so this will be interesting. (He rarely speaks with her) so I wonder how he will react or if he says something.
Originally Posted by PLC
I was so concerned about having family here, and he has basically avoided his mom.
Wounds of the past run deep.
How long is MIL staying?
When does D leave?
Daughter’s pending leaving, and the actual leaving, is a huge change (for everyone but let’s look at H for a second) and will undoubtedly push and trigger some of his emotional buttons. Abandonment, loss, and such.
Mom being right there will also bring forth those unrealized and unreconciled feelings of the past.
I suspect weird and strange behaviour will be displayed. Things could just simmer away or boiled over. Stay clear and out of the line of fire.
Yes focus on you, on daughter, and enjoy the visit with MIL. If MIL is around for a few weeks, that’s a long time for H to try to be/act on his best behaviour.
Continue as you are. Expectations to zero my friend and see what happens.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
She’s just having a quick visit. She’s leaving this morning.
I heard him get up this morning and I heard him speaking to her. So I thought, that they would be speaking about everything. Nope. She even asked him if he was ok and he said he’s fine. So he avoided it.
D leaves early Monday. So it’s all happening this weekend. He and D left before MIL left.
MIL really thinks he’s depressed, but there’s nothing I can do about that. I just need to, as you said, stay out of the line of fire.
