New Beginnings Pt 3

[AndrewP]

Yep - that's going to require some chewing.

[Barranco]

My two pennies.
Soon to be x left the home and all his financial support went along with him. Two years after he is leaving to his country, still doesn’t want to sign the divorce, I’m not in a rush due to the fact that I was a housewife (no income ) I’m working to have the income taxes I need to get the house.

Once that is done I will show him all the cards, he will have to give up the house or split the rest ( retirement, alimony blah blah) legally he is responsible for all the expenses after 28 years of having a housewife.

[kml]

Keep it really simple. "According to my attorney, the house is community property, to be split 50:50 minus what I put in for the down payment. This is standard. The current value of the house is approx. X, it would cost Y to sell it, so if we sold, your half of: X minus my down payment minus selling costs divided by 2 is Z. I'm willing to pay you Z for your share and take over the house to provide D with a stable place to live."

As for where to stay when you visit D, I have located these inexpensive AirBnBs nearby, here's the list: Now that we are divorced I don't think it would be appropriate to have you staying in the house with me as that would be too confusing for D. I'm sure your girlfriend would also not be comfortable with you staying here with me.

Now - be aware - it's NOT standard to split the house cost that way, they usually do NOT take the selling costs into account if one spouse is keeping it, they just split the current equity. This is totally unfair to the spouse who is keeping the house but an attorney might advise him so. So the more straightforwardly you present it, the better the chance that he might bite and accept your math.

Also - sounds a bit like he is having a "moment" where he might be having a temporary regret. DO NOT BITE. He's just having a bad day with OW or a moment of reality hitting him in the face.

[kml]

(Btw, no need right now to mention that any man YOU might be dating would be uncomfortable with your ex staying with you as well. Crazy as it seems, they don't want us but they really don't want anyone else to have us either, and if he thought you were dating he might try to jam up the process of being bought out of the house).

[OwnIt]

Can, take a step way back. Here's what I hear him saying, "I don't have any details." And he doesn't. The point of your communication was not to present an offer, but to open a door to a discussion in which you wanted to hear his point of view. Don't fall into the trap of assuming he's challenging you. You know you were never intending to have him give you all the equity (but he doesn't yet know that). You know it doesn't make sense for him to think he can come play daddy in the house on visits but apparently he has not figured that out (in the call if he brings it up you just say how do you see that working, you know I have to rent out the rental to be able to afford the mortgage, and then tell him you have to give it some thought to whatever he says--no need to commit to anything in the moment). This is just the first time he is faced with the not fun consequences of his choices and a little panic has set in. But don't take this to a bad place by responding to things he has not raised or being defensive. And you need to remind him that he started this discussion by saying the house had to be sold.

"Hey 00, thanks for responding. Yes, I didn't mention details because there aren't any yet. I'm just trying to set up a call to discuss the house since you brought it up in your email on ___________ and letting you know that I would like to find a way to buy out your interest so D4 and I can stay here. Of course I would like for us both to share our points of view and concerns and reach a resolution that would work for all of us."

[CanBird]

Thank you all for your comments.

"Received your email. Not really sure what you mean. The details are too vague. I also invested in the house with years of going to sea. Not sure what to do right now. I miss D4 and also will need to have a place to spend time with her".

Have not responded to xh yet, or consulted with a lawyer, just shared with you all and a trusted friend.

What I do know is, the email I sent was pretty clear outlining I wanted to take over the house (buy him out), I put down the facts (if we were to sell house-minus x-debts,y-costs to sell & repairs if needed we'd end up with = z. take away my investment and we split the rest 50/50). It's what's outlined in our decree; but with me being the buyer.

Not sure what xh means by "the details are too vague", but that's how he sees it. He probably hasn't looked at out decree since he signed it almost a year ago. At least he's replied, and the door to discussion is open.

xh: "Not sure what to do right now". Okay, at least you've given a reply. You need time to think.

xh: "I miss D4..." Nice to hear, I don't doubt that he does. But actions speak louder than words. Do I need to remind him that he can contact her anytime? Maybe... although I have done it many times in the past. Maybe, just to show my side as open and willing to cooperate.

xh; "...and also will need to have a place to spend time with her". Honestly, I don't feel like it's up to me to find a place for xh. He has a 6 figure income, so money SHOULD not be a problem. If he was able to carry on an affair with someone from another country, "while at sea", without me knowing, he can figure out accommodations.

I think xh might be hoping that D4 & I would move to his home state, where most of his family is. That way, he doesn't have to find a place, because he'll just crash with family. That may have been a thought in the beginning, but that is not the case now. I've already stated that we want to stay where we are, in the only home D4 has ever known. And she starts school in the fall. I don't want to disrupt that. AND COVID! Not the best time to move to another state that has HIGH numbers. Just saying... Perhaps in the future this might happen, but not right now. I wouldn't say that to xh.

Right now I think it is best for D4 and I to stay where we are in this house and with his cooperation, it can happen.
I don't want to disrupt her life or mine anymore than it has been. We've been living this life ALL her life, and it has suited us all fine, (including xh, until it didn't).

Any way. As you can probably tell, I'm still emotional, and not ready to reply. Obviously, I will not say any of the above, as I was mostly venting. But here's the thing, do I GO for it with MORE a more detailed explanation, or start off with a few more crumbs?

"Received your email. Not really sure what you mean. The details are too vague. I also invested in the house with years of going to sea. Not sure what to do right now. I miss D4 and also will need to have a place to spend time with her".

ie: Hi xh, thank you for your reply. I understand that you are not sure what to do right now, and if I can address what is unclear, or vague I'd be a happy to answer any questions you might have to help us move forward with things.

As always, know that you can contact D4 any time. Just reach out and we'll figure something out. You're her dad, I will always cooperate with you on making sure you can connect with her. I'm always going to work with you when it comes to D4.

Be Well, Be Safe
CanBird


Thoughts? Of course I will have a business plan/letter/proposal ready to go too. Just thought I should feed the duck while his head is above water.

[AndrewP]

Not sure what xh means by "the details are too vague", but that's how he sees it. He probably hasn't looked at out decree since he signed it almost a year ago. At least he's replied, and the door to discussion is open.

It may mean that it doesn't match up with some sort of vague ideas he had in his head about how nothing will really change as far as what he left behind and he's confused that you are saying things that don't fit into his world view. Kinda like he's only hearing "quack quack quack" (Loving the ducks by the way)

xh: "I miss D4..." Nice to hear, I don't doubt that he does. But actions speak louder than words. Do I need to remind him that he can contact her anytime? Maybe... although I have done it many times in the past. Maybe, just to show my side as open and willing to cooperate.

Not your duck. That's his duck.

I think xh might be hoping that D4 & I would move to his home state, where most of his family is. That way, he doesn't have to find a place, because he'll just crash with family.

You can guess what he's hoping for but unless that helps you with your negotiating position, it's not a duck you need to worry about.

Right now I think it is best for D4 and I to stay where we are in this house and with his cooperation, it can happen.

Remember - YOU are the sane parent and are the responsible parent until he can prove on his own that he could also be sane and / or responsible. Depending on what is in your decree about child-care and decision making, it may be just your duck.

[kml]

ie: Hi xh, thank you for your reply. I understand that you are not sure what to do right now, and if I can address what is unclear, or vague I'd be a happy to answer any questions you might have to help us move forward with things.

As always, know that you can contact D4 any time. Just reach out and we'll figure something out. You're her dad, I will always cooperate with you on making sure you can connect with her. I'm always going to work with you when it comes to D4.

Be Well, Be Safe
CanBird

Instead try:
Hi XH, thank you for your reply. I'm not sure what is confusing you, the math is as I laid out and that is consistent with our divorce decree, just in this case I am the buyer. You get the same amount whether it is sold to a stranger or I buy you out. Please let me know when we can get going on this as I want to get my future settled.

As always, know that you can contact D4 any time. Just reach out and we'll figure something out. You're her dad, I will always cooperate with you on making sure you can connect with her. I'm always going to work with you when it comes to D4.

Be Well, Be Safe
CanBird

I like your second part about D4. You can address the issue of him not staying with you if he ever actually makes plans to visit I guess.

And I agree that he's probably not really absorbing the math, because in his mind he thought he would get more, or he resents the idea of you keeping the home while he doesn't have it, or he just thought you would stay put as his Plan B in case OW doesn't work out and now he's uncomfortable at the idea that option to go back to his old life is no longer there.

[CanBird]

Not sure what xh means by "the details are too vague", but that's how he sees it. He probably hasn't looked at out decree since he signed it almost a year ago. At least he's replied, and the door to discussion is open.

It may mean that it doesn't match up with some sort of vague ideas he had in his head about how nothing will really change as far as what he left behind and he's confused that you are saying things that don't fit into his world view. Kinda like he's only hearing "quack quack quack" (Loving the ducks by the way)

xh: "I miss D4..." Nice to hear, I don't doubt that he does. But actions speak louder than words. Do I need to remind him that he can contact her anytime? Maybe... although I have done it many times in the past. Maybe, just to show my side as open and willing to cooperate.

Not your duck. That's his duck.

I think xh might be hoping that D4 & I would move to his home state, where most of his family is. That way, he doesn't have to find a place, because he'll just crash with family.

You can guess what he's hoping for but unless that helps you with your negotiating position, it's not a duck you need to worry about.

Right now I think it is best for D4 and I to stay where we are in this house and with his cooperation, it can happen.

Remember - YOU are the sane parent and are the responsible parent until he can prove on his own that he could also be sane and / or responsible. Depending on what is in your decree about child-care and decision making, it may be just your duck.

Hi AndrewP, I'm glad you're enjoying the ducks... I can't help myself Laughter is the only way I've been able to get through any tough times. Always trying to find the brighter side.

Thank you for your comments. It really helps me understand/see things from his prospective as a MLC/WAS. aka One Confused Duck (OCD..HA!... ..)

And yes, XH has his own should figure out his own ducking way to communicate with his daughter. Legally I am the more of the decision maker with D4 & child-care. She's with me all the time. (Soul & physically). We have joint legal. His communicating with D4 (or anyone else for that matter) was never an issue like it is now, before we were divorced and he was away for 6 months at a time. (He's done this work since 2015) Guess reception on Mars isn't that great. Actually, D4 often says he's in "Neverland". I did not plant that duck in her head. Although, she is witty like mom; genetically guilty as charge then.


End note, your comments made me smile. I am the sane one.

[CanBird]

ie: Hi xh, thank you for your reply. I understand that you are not sure what to do right now, and if I can address what is unclear, or vague I'd be a happy to answer any questions you might have to help us move forward with things.

As always, know that you can contact D4 any time. Just reach out and we'll figure something out. You're her dad, I will always cooperate with you on making sure you can connect with her. I'm always going to work with you when it comes to D4.

Be Well, Be Safe
CanBird

Instead try:
Hi XH, thank you for your reply. I'm not sure what is confusing you, the math is as I laid out and that is consistent with our divorce decree, just in this case I am the buyer. You get the same amount whether it is sold to a stranger or I buy you out. Please let me know when we can get going on this as I want to get my future settled.

As always, know that you can contact D4 any time. Just reach out and we'll figure something out. You're her dad, I will always cooperate with you on making sure you can connect with her. I'm always going to work with you when it comes to D4.

Be Well, Be Safe
CanBi
I like your second part about D4. You can address the issue of him not staying with you if he ever actually makes plans to visit I guess.

And I agree that he's probably not really absorbing the math, because in his mind he thought he would get more, or he resents the idea of you keeping the home while he doesn't have it, or he just thought you would stay put as his Plan B in case OW doesn't work out and now he's uncomfortable at the idea that option to go back to his old life is no longer there.

Hi kml, I like what you added. And as I read it, it reminds me of how xh use to communicate. I really like it!

I think starting off with bread crumbs, is the best. I don't want to overwhelm this duck too much, or he'll fly away. Agreed he's not absorbing the email as a whole. And he's the one who suggested it twice that I buy the house. (I have the text messages to prove it). He walked away from the home, showed zero interest in keeping it ever. I will never be his plan B. That is not ducky with me. No way. I don't know what he's thinking, as most of us LBS don't.

Thanks kml for you input. it's gold baby! gold!