Well things are the same here. H has made no effort to move out and there are times when he starts speaking first for just day to day conversations.
He is still greeting the animals now when he comes home and he will more often then not, greet our daughter. If I am in the room, he does speak hello to me as well.
I am just going to keep on living my way. I will continue to be cordial and open as needed.
This is good. A slow running stream, instead of the torrent of a fast paced river. Be cordial, kind, and go with the flow.
H has made no effort to move out, and even opens up a bit now and then. Allow H to float along at his pace, while you continue to live your life. Keep doing what you’re doing.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I do get moments of distress, and I stop and really look at the situation. We all know it is hard, but as each day passes, I ultimately am glad he is still here and that he does interact once and a while.
Living in Los Angeles County, covid is FINALLY beginning to not have as high of numbers. We are still not eating at restaurants and still staying home most of the time. I am surprised that H is doing the same, so he is here on the weekends. With him being home, get this, he heard me pull up from being at the market, and he came out to help bring in the groceries. I remember to always thank him for whatever effort he makes. If I am too chatty he does retreat, but it doesn’t last long. It used to be like an over correction where he would shut down for days.
I continue to work on me. That’s the only thing I can update!
Yes, the only thing we can actually control, change, or update is us. Our thoughts, our actions and reactions, and our outlook of the world.
I look back on my situation and “it” hasn’t changed. XW is still the same. However, I am not. So, with accuracy, my situation did change. My view changed, well I changed my view. Same external inputs, same external events, yet different outcome and viewpoint.
We are part of our situation. We are embroiled within it. We can never escape it - for it is our life. That is acceptance; finding peace within the storm. A peace that calms our storm, whilst our spouse’s storm rages.
Living a good life obviously affect us. It also influences those around us; our kids, parents, friends, colleagues, the checkout gal at the grocery store, and so on.
We might even influence our spouse. That depends a lot upon them. We have zero control over them or anyone really. That’s the beacon part of things.
A lighthouse is. It just is. Its light shines for all who will look to it, and have the good fortune to be in proximity of it.
H is still at home. H is even helping carrying in the groceries. He has the opportunity and good fortune to be within the beam of a caring lighthouse. Maybe, slowly, he will make the most of that. That is up to him. And his path is a convoluted one, full of fears and past torments.
It is good to thank H for his sincere helping out with things. He does shrink away from too much positive reinforcement, as you’ve seen. And you, correctly, have adjusted for that. At times, he is a lost little boy, or an angry teenager, or a hurt desolate man. He is a lost soul. One which is learning how to reach out - even if it only looks like carrying groceries.
His path, like ours, is internal. Perhaps his view will shift as well.
Keep living well. Work and build upon yourself. H’s path is up to him. Your path is up to you.
Shine bright.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Well, I spoke too soon. H has retreated back into his sanctuary of our D's bedroom. A few times this week I never even saw him. The times I have, is usually dinner time and he meanders into the kitchen and me being me, will ask if he cares to join us, then as a teen, he responds with asking what I am making. If it sounds good, he says yes, if not no.
I spoke with my IC this week and I explained how I am having a hard time dropping the rope in one situation; I want to redo some things around the home. I know it is silly, but part of me worries if I do, he might think I have moved on and he cannot come back, but the other part of me knows nothing I do will change his mind, this is all him.
My IC also told me that I deserve pretty things. We have lived in the same home for almost thirty years and although there have been little fixes here and there, it has been a while. I would like to shake things up a bit, but I also do not want to spend a bunch of money, if I need it down the road.
He has stated I would get the home and why not fix it up while with two incomes?
On a positive note, my IC stated that I am doing very well at being non reactive to the behavior he displays.
So a little positive with the negative. So I am again going to work on what I can control. We expect some nice weather here over the weekend, so maybe I can get out safely and do something.
...he meanders into the kitchen and me being me, will ask if he cares to join us, then as a teen, he responds with asking what I am making. If it sounds good, he says yes, if not no.
Teenager mentally. Just respond “ok”. And let him sit in his room.
Originally Posted by PLC
I want to redo some things around the home. I know it is silly, but part of me worries if I do, he might think I have moved on and he cannot come back, but the other part of me knows nothing I do will change his mind, this is all him.
I do understand what your feeling. I wouldn’t call it silly, although I do know what you mean by that.
Your feelings are real. And like all feelings, my included, they are within the realm of irrational, as in not logically based. As you stated “I know it is silly”. Our knowing and our feeling are oftentimes different views. Treat them as such.
Getting passed your feelings of worry of what he might think doesn’t happen by dismissing those feelings. Labeling them silly actually reinforces them. Intellectually they are silly, but that turns out to be counterproductive. Instead look at those feelings and worry from an intellectual stand point and discover why you feel that way. That understanding is the underpinnings of emotional intelligence - the why of feelings. It is an intellectual understanding of the irrationally driven emotional realm.
Both views, intellectual and emotional, are true. And you can throw in the third your spiritual value belief based view as well, another true and valid viewpoint. None of these has, or even should have, complete and absolutely dominance over you. Each viewpoint shows you something. Peace and serenity comes when all views are aligned; when the “cars” are side by side.
Of all these views, intellectual is the one you can control. The others are influenced. Our control also extends to the physical, our actions and reactions. This control also influences the others.
Originally Posted by PLC
I am having a hard time dropping the rope in one situation; I want to redo some things around the home.
Why?
The answer will probably surprise you. Irrational ties usually do. The rope you are hanging on to; you have a reason, you just haven’t understood it yet.
However, dropping the rope doesn’t require full understanding, in fact the emotional understanding results from the influence from the controlled action of the dropping. In this particular case, that action is more than just emotional and intellectual, there is a physical component to it, which makes it so much better and reinforcing - Redo some things around the house. It’s a bit of a convoluted counterintuitive path at first go. Simply put - Act as if. (Your feelings and understanding will catch up )
Quote
I deserve pretty things. We have lived in the same home for almost thirty years and although there have been little fixes here and there, it has been a while. I would like to shake things up a bit, but I also do not want to spend a bunch of money, if I need it down the road.
I’ve take the liberty of striking through the part that is justifying your inaction and reinforcing your worrisome feelings.
PLC, yes, you do deserve pretty things. Give your home a lift. Maybe it doesn’t require a complete make over, a few new lamps, furniture, some paint, cupboard doors, a new tub and shower, whatever you want. This is a more wants than needs. This is the fruit of your life’s work, enjoying some well earned comforts.
Of course, don’t go spending all your savings . However, worrying that you might need it down the road is looking towards a possible divorce. That is wise. And no reason to remain static and unchanging. Which is even wiser. Again both are valid and can, and do, exist simultaneously.
Tell me what you would like to do with your house. Imagine it. Describe it. That is the first step to making it a reality.
Originally Posted by PLC
he might think I have moved on and he cannot come back
Fear paralyzed us. Holds us static and unchanging.
Updating your house might push H out the door. Or it might push him to see you are moving on AND he needs to get his act together before he loses you. Or something completely different. Or nothing at all. I don’t know that part, no one does. I do know you’d have made a pretty house.
And by the way, fear is always about us.
“he might think I have moved on and he cannot come back” isn’t about H and his thoughts - it’s about your’s. You fear you will move on and not want him back. Your statement is true, it’s the why, the viewpoint that is hidden.
A fear, a worry about a possible future change in feelings. Your feelings will change, feelings do. Feelings are fleeting. Control your thoughts. Find and follow your beliefs. And dress up your house along the way. It’s all about standing for you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I agee w/DnJ. I would go ahead and make some changes, even if they are little ones. You deserve to have your home looking the way that you want it to look and it's time to do something for yourself. You don't have to go "nuts" and redo the entire home, but maybe start w/your bedroom. Change the color scheme or move the furniture around and once that room is done, then you can think about changing another room, one by one.
As for asking him about dinner, the next time...allow the aroma of what you are cooking reveal itself to him. Then, if he asks about it, tell him. Sometimes, we have to just step back a wee bit and allow them to come to us. Right now, he's a teenager/roommate. If he wants to eat, he'll let you know. In fact, he may say no and then later sneak out to eat some of that delicious food that you had fixed.
Bottom line, you need to do what makes you happy. If redoing a room does it for you, then do it. Try to remember, that no matter what you do, you can't predict what his reaction will be. You have nothing to fear but fear itself.
Your journey is all about you and rediscovering you!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
PLC, I hope you are able to get outside and do something fun. And wise words, DnJ & Job! I have nothing productive to add except I agree whole-heartedly.
PLC, I agree with everyone. Even small changes can be so nice. I remember thinking last fall--should I really plant these tulip bulbs in the yard? Should I really spend money on more flowers? Will I be here in six months? Etc. Well, the tulips are coming up now, and when I saw the first bit of green poking through the soil, it gave me so much joy. I hope you can make some changes that bring you joy too!
Thank you all. Yesterday, I went to visit my sister from the curb. Just a quick hello, but I got out. Today, D and I drove with no destination in mind. We ended up in a nice area of Los Angeles and went to an estate sale in a huge mansion. It was fun to walk the rooms and see what was available. After that, we took a drive up to Griffith observatory, we were not alone in that destination, a lot of people were out in the sunshine. It was nice to see masks and that people were adhering to keeping six ft apart. After that, we drove some more and came home.
H was out, I saw on social media he was at the beach with friends. It made me sad, he would have had fun with us girls. But, this is his choice. When he came home, no greetings to either of us, he just went into the room and closed the door. I realize, I would have been so upset had I stayed home. I am so glad to have gotten out.
Cardinal, I will take your advice to heart. I will do some things around here that bring me joy.
I wonder if anyone who had a IHS, ever wondered if the person instigating was thinking against a D. Almost two years ago, he put me on this path and here we are still under the same roof. If so, how did they realize this and what did they do?
I obviously don’t want a D, and I would love to begin a new relationship together, but will I know? Will he approach, or will this be something I have to approach him and ask, if this is something he still wants?
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