Our intrepid hero goes through the lies, infidelity etc of the breakdown of his long-term marriage. He doesn't take it well and comes here and proceeds to argue with everyone.
His now former wife dashes off - where other than one minor episode to ensure that her former partner is right where she left him - never to be seen again in any recognizable fashion.
Our hero navigates single life, a fairly straightforward divorce, the relationships with his 2 adult children, and the community. Some friendships are set aside, new ones are formed and others strengthened. He finds, rather to his surprise, that he can form decent relationships that aren't predicated on a charming and outgoing partner.
After a fair amount of time and at least 2 false-starts, he enters the dating pool, looking so he believes for a new partner who will be kind, supportive and draw him out of his routines. In this process, he discovers that while he may be considered "a good catch" that he needs to be much more discriminating about which bait he takes.
While the debris of the last relationship is, in the grand scheme of the world pretty minor stuff, it has made him re-think and re-evaluate what it is in life and regret the fact that others have been hurt. A process that continues and probably will for some time yet. He does feel mid-middle age upon himself as well - with an eye towards stability and security as stronger priorities.
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Not a lot of note going on. My shoulder is still giving me gyp which made yesterday's cleaning etc difficult. It's my left shoulder and that's my dominant hand so when scrubbing the tubs and tile that's the arm I would raise. I was able to shift the usage to the other arm at times but not a lot. I did get the scrubbing done though including the bathroom and kitchen floors. I invested in a cheap twist mop recently and must say that it's way and above better than the old foam mops I've used in the past. After I damp mop a section I scrub it by hand as well to ensure it's clean. I don't mop the floors often so like to be sure it's done well.
It feels good to get especially the downstairs bathroom back up to snuff. The floors too - nice to see them shine again although the kitchen floor is in such crappy shape that it will never shine. When stuff was being moved out I said to just leave boots on. My attitude is that things and places are intended to be used and will get messy and dirty. So - doing a regular clean is important to put things back to their base state so that you can do it again. Things and places that stay dirty break and quickly become unusable - something that S and her family just plain never understood.
Today I have meetings (yes, he "is" on vacation) and hope to get the fridge cleaned out and washed. I'll probably also - being careful with my shoulder and knee - shift it out and clean under it. It's close to empty right now so it's a good time to do this. I've been eating down some of the random stuff that had built up and probably too much - my weight is up some more. I need to figure out how to add some heavy breathing to my routine I suppose and to also cut back on the carbs.
I managed to get my ladder into the stairwell and it fits - boy is that high up. Doing the back wall should be ok but I still need to figure out how to work on the parts closer to the head of the stairs. I have about 3 or 4 options including pulling out some scaffolding I have. I left the framing for the false ceiling in place and it is sturdy enough to attach some extra framing to if necessary. I want to get the wiring in place for a new light fixture while I'm up there too. Being terrified of heights doesn't help but now that I've gotten a bit of a start on the project it should be easier to keep going. I've avoided doing this bit of work for over 30 years. I don't have the light fixture picked out yet but can put in a small regular light for now - I have a couple of those floating around here somewhere.
Odd - my usual approach is to tackle the biggest and hardest things first to get them out of the way - not the same thing here.
While I was outside cleaning the drive yesterday I finally moved where the spare key is kept to another location and messaged the kids to let them know - not that my daughter would be able to get to it easily from Seattle but if she needed to direct someone into the house she can guide them to the spare key so they don't have to break in.
In other news 20S's new job must be going well as she just bought herself a new car. Hopefully soon she'll be moving out of her Gran's house and wanting her stuff back. No indication from S on if / when she's coming back for another load nor any other soft of communication. She has another couple of months yet to get her stuff though and it's not very under-foot. A reminder of lessons painfully learned.
I'm still finding it nice to be in here with just myself and not even a cat. I do still manage the basic decencies like closing the bathroom door when in use. Maybe in some ways I needed those bad experiences to make me really appreciate what I have on my own.
We're coming partially out of lockdown next week and I have a haircut booked for Tuesday after the holiday Monday. Hopefully I can get together with my son and friends. I have open invitations from one of my best friends for wings and beer and also my "niece". They are in a different zone though. Probably be a few weeks for that to happen.
Valentines Day is Sunday and I don't know if I'll do anything for myself for it. I probably will. I hope the kids get their cards in time - they should have arrived by now. I have my birthday coming up next month - 57! Wow. There's a clock that I've had my eye on for some time. A wooden one with the same grasshopper escapement that were used in the early Harrison clocks - not that I'm a clock nerd, but I am a naval history nerd and the Harrison clocks were very important there. If I ever to make it to the UK I'll probably spend some time in Grenwich.
I've been playing with my Wyze camera setup and the Raspberry Pi that hosts the web page that publishes the shots. I've been able to automate things fairly well including automating backing up the images to the cloud and can probably just ignore it now. I'm rather pleased with how it all worked out and without spending a lot of cash. I'm poking around now to see if I can use the PI to host all of the music that I have and have it talk to the Google Home speakers I have. It "may" be possible - there certainly seem to be a good number of people wanting to do the same things.
Well - enough for now. Need to make some lunch and then prep for my meeting. I've been keeping half an eye on things at work and it's all going as smoothly as it could. Some issues that I suspected would pop up have and are being dealt with without me as should happen.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
After I damp mop a section I scrub it by hand as well to ensure it's clean. I don't mop the floors often so like to be sure it's done well.
I am reminded of my exH's VERY tidy German grandmother who, when asked how she kept her trim figure, replied "I just scrub the floor on my hand and knees, that's good exercise!".
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I don't have the light fixture picked out yet but can put in a small regular light for now - I have a couple of those floating around here somewhere.
Pick your fixture very carefully - remember, you are going to have to REPLACE the light bulbs in it some day! (Thank god for new long-lived LED bulbs though). I have a two story vaulted ceiling in my living room, and there's recessed lighting in the ceiling of the entryway. I had to buy a very long extension pole that has a suction cup on it, and then have to unscrew the bulb with the suction cup and just pray I don't drop it and shatter it all over when I take it down.
I am reminded of my exH's VERY tidy German grandmother who, when asked how she kept her trim figure, replied "I just scrub the floor on my hand and knees, that's good exercise!".
LOL - My great-grandmother was of German descent - a tiny powerhouse of a farmer's wife who certainly believed in hard work.
Funny-to-me fact. My oldest brother, when he gets tipsy tends to drunk-clean. And he's very good at it. Imagine waking up in the morning "Oh no! Must have had too much, not a thing out of place". For me, it's making the bed. No matter how my day goes, knowing that the bed is well made and a place I can retreat to from the travails of the day is important. When shared and things go - ahem - awry - I will try to surreptitiously straighten the covers out. It still confuses me how people like S could just have things in a rumpled heap and then expect to have a good night's sleep.
During my marriage I was the first up and so would make the bed after my ex smelled her coffee and emerged herself. Hopefully for her she's got OM well trained otherwise she'll have to do for herself
Got under the fridge and stove cleaned yesterday. Since the house dips in the middle I have shims under the back of the fridge. Last time I did this - probably a couple of years ago - it took me a while to get everything back in place and leveled. Considering my sore shoulder I put a broomstick under and used that as a roller to get the fridge back into place. Worked fairly decently. I found a huge amount of animal fur, a few spills and a couple of things that had been thought lost. The fridge should work better now.
Doing my performance review for work now having done my "I'm not working" review of incoming and outgoing loads. I get between 200-300 emails a day, most of which I can just glance at. I get copies of pretty much everything related to sales or production. I'm going to head "in to town" later and get groceries and go to the bank probably shocking everyone because it's not my normal day for such things.
I may attempt some wallpaper stripping this afternoon - or not. I still have the inside of the fridge to clean plus sweeping and dusting. Glad I'm taking some vacation time. I am going a bit of stir crazy from the lack of contact with any other creature I think though. It's funny how I can't even imagine what life would be like in these weird times if my ex-wife were still in my life. In the couple of years leading up to her affair she had been spending more and more time visiting her friends and drinking - she hardly ever used to drink prior to that - and so being on my own is a fairly "normal" thing. One huge difference is that I used to spend a lot of time "waiting" - for her to come home so we could do something together or even eat a meal together. A frustration I had even more so with S. Now if I want to do something I don't have to check with anyone and can do, or not do things at will.
I miss having another soul around - still waiting before getting a cat though. Kitten season is coming up I'm sure. As someone who believes in "energy" - the existence or absence of another soul makes a huge difference as does the quality of that soul. S had an aura reading machine that she was very attached to - it was expensive doncha know - that to the best of my knowledge she only ever used once and had to study up on it first. She said that she could read mine but at this point I'm figuring that 90+% of her presentation as someone who was in tune with the world around her was a load of hooey but is undoubtedly a part of her internal narrative. There was so much about her environment and the people around her that just felt so "dark" and unhealthy. Bad metaphor time - haven't used one of these in a while but it just came to me - "If they sweep you off your feet you'll land in the dust."
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Cleaning is one of my favorite stress-relievers!! lol When my X was deployed, you could lick the underside of the fridge! lol
*I think it was a load of hooey, too.
Good to see you focusing on the positives of being the captain of your own ship! Cheers to not giving the wheel to drunken pirates! (too far? I have a weird sense of humor)
(((andrew))) Love this post! I was worried about you for a hot minute!
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Good to see you focusing on the positives of being the captain of your own ship! Cheers to not giving the wheel to drunken pirates! (too far? I have a weird sense of humor)
Originally Posted by Tweety Bird
"Her don't know me very well, do her?"
LOL. I have the earring, a gaff rigged sloop and cannon. I dress up as a pirate on Halloween every year and usually (didn't last year for complex reasons) sit out in my sloop drinking rum and handing out treasure. It's amazing how fast a 9 year-old in a princess dress can run when there is a cannon going off
I used to have hair most of the way down my back that I would braid into a "proper" pigtail albeit I never tarred it. These days I have more of a George Clooney haircut - the rest of me beyond the grey hair - not quite so much ...
So - the pirate certainly has the wheel here
Originally Posted by 97Hope
Cleaning is one of my favorite stress-relievers!! lol When my X was deployed, you could lick the underside of the fridge! lol
You're a former military spouse! My daughter's husband just left the Navy where he was stuck on some rather long deployments. I would tell her that the job of those left on shore was perhaps the harder because they had to keep everything going without the help of the spouse. She is also a super-organized and very tidy person - seems to have gotten that from my side of the family. They live up in Seattle now and will be having their 8th 2nd anniversary (got married twice - once for real and 2nd time for legal 6 months later) on Valentine's day. That bit was actually unplanned - it just happened to be when her visa got approved and they could get an appointment at the court-house. Makes it easy for me to remember.
I'm a big fan of nautical fiction especially Patrick O'Brian's Aubrey / Maturin series although it's been a few years since my last re-read. One key take-away is that making the ship "ship-shape" is important to be able to take it into battle. So a clean kitchen is ready to be created in. An unusable kitchen cannot be any good to anyone. I try to do a big clean once a month and then at least one major clean (which I'm in the midst of now) once or twice a year. It used to be a major source of pride how much nicer I kept this place than my ex-wife did. Now, I don't make any comparisons and just do it for me because I like it that way.
One of the bits on my list is to go through my shop which is in serious need of care. Small projects build up debris and I need to go through the whole thing putting everything away and cleaning and storing all the various supplies and tools. It's easy to just leave things out when you are doing a quick repair or fabrication but it builds up.
Thanks for stopping by 97Hope - glad you are getting out and about in our little community. It's much more than you would have seen on Newcomers. I pretty much never go there myself these days - the stories are just too raw for me.
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So - as I mentioned - the cleaning continues. Working on the kitchen cupboards now - pulling everything out, bleaching the shelves and re-imagining how it gets used. Not a lot is getting moved around much but as time goes, and to be honest, the input of people like the woman I dated 2 years ago (sheesh - has it been that long?) and S's daughter has moved things here and there. The principle is that like lives with like and that it should be close to where you need it. Pots and pans by the stove as are spices. Cups, mugs and plates by the sink. Less used things tucked away.
So far I've found no mouse poop but 2 dead bugs. S could never understand why I insisted on things being stored in sealed containers and I do know that some of her baking supplies ended up with suspicious black specs in them.
I did the fridge and the one little chest of drawers in the kitchen yesterday. I got distracted (I'm unsupervised) and wandered down to the shop and built a little wall-mounted holder out of scrap lumber for my google home that I'm rather proud of. It takes it off the flat surface which was the goal. Looking nice is a bonus.
I was in the bank yesterday and asked about the status of S's loan and got an answer that indicated that nothing had been done. So I sent her a vague message reminding her that the payment was coming up. That got me a pretty snarky response where she told me that she had already told me that it had all been taken care of but that I'd obviously forgotten. Sigh - I don't miss that regular accusation. I have a decent memory - for work I have to hold a hundred different bits of information and pull them out when needed but yes - do forget things from time to time. I dredged up the memory and she had told me - again after the bank had given me information - that she was "going to" deal with things. But she is a lying liar who lies. And who would use the standard DARVO arguments on me and burst into tears and tell me how unfair and a jerk I was who never remembered "anything" she said and how I had no respect for her. Le sigh. Nope - don't miss that at all. And given that she does lie, I'm just going to be careful and make sure that all the ducks are in place in case she is indeed lying and the loan comes out of the old joint account. I know that many people may believe that smoothing their way through the world with lies is fine - but I'm not one of those. And - of course - it was quite a while before I had solid proof that that was her attitude. And I also needed to form in my own mind that this was something that I just wouldn't stand for as my ex-wife also had the same attitude and I lived with that for 26 years.
I was checking my bank accounts today though and did a fist bump as my new mortgage is in place. My interest costs have gone down by 50% and with the extra $65/month I'm paying I will get this sucker paid off a lot quicker. I took a fixed rate as the market is currently frighteningly frothy as is much of the world. I still could really use a lottery win but the amount it costs me to live here in this rambly old house is less than it would cost for a 2 bedroom apartment so I'm not going to complain loudly.
The message from S did inspire me to take one final"ish" step and buy a new stove. I know what I want in a stove, I know what they cost so bought one online from one of the regional "big box" chains that also includes free delivery. I have the money saved - now that I'm not supporting S and her brood so it's no hit to the cash flow. When it arrives - I still have to get a delivery date - I'll clean S's stove that I've been using and put it with her other stuff that is still to be picked up.
Ah well - break time is just about over. Going to have a light supper tonight - my weight is waay up in the past couple of months probably because I'm both eating better and also eating up some of the more processed food that was left in the pantry. I did get out for a decent walk this afternoon at least.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I’m not much for organizers but the one item I bought years ago for my kitchen that I still love is a plastic expandable spice rack step shelf organizer. It’s like stadium seating for your spices - the ones in back are higher than the front, so you can more easily see what you’ve got.
Good job on the refi! My goal when I bought this house post-divorce was to have it paid off before retirement. Unfortunately many unexpected kid expenses (several extra years of college expenses, legal and medical expenses etc) pretty much prevented me from doing that so far. However I’m still trying to get there. I may not retire as early as I wanted though lol. Lucky for me I like my work. My interest rate was so good when I bought my house that it’s never really been worth it to refinance. And I put enough cash into it that I could retire even if I have the mortgage payment. It would just be cushier without it.
10-12 WEEKS!!!! It will take 10-12 weeks for my new stove to be delivered. I couldn't believe it. The response from the store sounded like an invitation to bait-and-switch to buy something more expensive. A search online and it turns out that there are huge backlogs in appliance manufacturing and delivery and has been for some months. I checked other big box retailers who show their available inventory online and nobody has stoves in stock either locally or in any regions I would be willing to drive to. So - it is what it is. I suppose I could hunt around more aggressively and check with local stores. The couple whose sites I browsed all said that they would be happy to order in anything I may want so I expect similar issues.
If push comes to shove and S picks up stove I can get by - I have contingency plans. 10-12 weeks puts us into when she needs to get all of her stuff out and unless she moves out of her Dad's house (not sure how likely that is) she won't have a place for the stove anyway. If her past patterns continue, she's undoubtedly on the hunt for a fresh guy while keeping some of the past ones in reserve.
I'm rather glad though that I decided to order a stove now rather than wait until April which would have had me stove-less for some time.
Le sigh.
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Happy Singles Awareness Day!
Went to bed early yesterday filled with aches and pains. Undoubtedly from shifting furniture and a certain amount of laying on the floor scrubbing and re-organizing lower cabinets. I have the kitchen redone for now. Going to see how it all works out and then adjust as appropriate.
I was ticked off because it's obvious that S and her crew took quite a lot of random stuff that they shouldn't have. Yesterday's discovery was that pretty much all my "special occasion" bakeware is gone. AND my button jar. Who would take a button jar? I had found some random buttons while cleaning out the junk drawers and thought "I'll put those in the button jar". I remember putting it out of the way even well before S and I split as I didn't want it getting mixed in with all of her craft stuff and now it cannot be found. Sigh. There were some nice buttons in there. I'm going to look around a bit more but I'm pretty sure it's gone. I do know that S did knowingly take quite a chunk of stuff beyond what was "her's" but it really isn't worth making a fuss about.
I am glad that I can now get my silver and serving sets out from where I had squirreled them away - doesn't seem to be much missing but I was pretty explicit when I moved them to let her know where and why. Which of course offended and upset her quite a bit. At least some of it was probably relatively innocent with a crew of people packing up the house random stuff was sure to be grabbed. Like much of my bath pampering stuff. Le sigh. I can see the finish line at least.
20S stopped by to show off her new car and give me a big hug. I told her I was very proud of her finding her feet under herself. She is impressed with how the house is coming together and agrees that yes - this is a big place with lots of storage. She said that she is soon going to be looking for a place for herself and will be taking her stuff out of here then. She asked after S26 and grumbled because she never hears from him.
The flower shop was crazy busy yesterday but my roses were ready and waiting for me to pick them up when I got there. A cheerful "hi Andrew" from most of the staff at the back was yelled my way as they all worked like demons to get on top of orders. In-store shopping isn't allowed as of yet but they were letting one customer in the door at a time to stand in the foyer to pay. They're good people in there.
I was a bit annoyed that the gift shop in my village was open yesterday. I almost went in as a expression of support - but no - the rules are no instore shopping in those types of shops until Tuesday. This is the same lady who is anti-mask and anti-lockdown. In part I can see some of her point of view as this has undoubtedly been very tough on her small business.
At the bakery - where we can go in and pick up in a walled off entrance - they were all out of anything Valentines themed but had set aside my scone for me as usual. I like much of the being "boring and predictable" life - especially the parts that get me flowers and food. I think that the owner is still pretty annoyed at me for dumping her friend. Her sister - who isn't invested in a friendship with S is more supportive. It bothers her I think when I comment about all of the cleaning that I've been doing. I am careful to not say anything negative or bad about S - but the fact that there is so much cleaning required after she left could be taken that way. I've thought about apologizing for upsetting her but figure that the best thing is to just leave well enough alone. An apology would come with some justifications for my actions and really I don't think she wants to go there.
Going to perhaps take it easy today. I slept for nearly 11 hours last night - must have needed it. I'm doing my first solo Sunday Supper in some time. A small pork roast is in the slow-cooker and a loaf of bread is rising. I still have the dining room to organize and put away the "good china" and silver. The workshop is in dire need of a good tidy but with the limited head-room down there that might be held off for a bit yet. I still have the stairwell wallpaper and wiring to tackle but have managed to find excuses to avoid it. I do know that once I get started that it will all be fine but sometimes it takes me a while to do that.
It still feels good - even on Valentine's Day to have the elbow-room back. I felt so very "compressed" when S was here - difficult to describe. It's nice to not have to pick up after anyone else. I can certainly understand how especially many women of my age are perfectly happy being alone after a lifetime of caring for others.
Even when I pause and think about it, I can't imagine the person who would be able to complement my life without taking away those things I really enjoy. With B it was an attempt at fitting a square peg into a round hole - on both our parts. With me believing that I could be compatible with pretty much anyone. With S - who swooped in and shanghaied me - albeit I did go along with it all. I'm glad that I finally found my voice - rather later than I should have - and rescued myself from what was a very unhealthy situation. If nothing else, I'm now much more skeptical of others and protective of myself. Something that should have been in place earlier perhaps.
No matter your situation my dear readers - I do hope that you find Love this day - even if it's just looking into the mirror.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Happy Valentine’s Day, and congratulations on finding yourself comfortable again!
I doubt S will “need” her stove before your new one arrives, but I would have her take it with the last of her stuff anyway to save you from having to move it later. You can get by just fine with a hot plate and a slow cooker for a few weeks.
Sounds like your fitness routine this week is pretty effective! No pain, no gain!
Wow--sounds like you've been crazy busy. A button jar?!?! I've had plenty of things wrongly taken after breakups--this time a potted plant, last time a bottle of champagne, but never THAT level of pettiness, lol.
Originally Posted by Andrew
With B it was an attempt at fitting a square peg into a round hole - on both our parts. With me believing that I could be compatible with pretty much anyone. Even when I pause and think about it, I can't imagine the person who would be able to complement my life without taking away those things I really enjoy.
Food for thought. A good relationship may be worth a little rounding of your square peg, or a little squaring of her round hole--WAIT, before you ask, this is NOT about sex--but it shouldn't require you to transform. Not into something you don't want to be. Not even into something you one day want to be. I thought similarly. I will try my hardest. My partner will try their hardest. And the peg and hole--STILL not about sex--will fit. I'll spend more time on compatibility next time.
I don’t think she took the button jar out of pettiness. She was not an organized packer, had people helping her quickly pack who would not have known whose stuff was whose, and as a hoarder with a prodigious amount of stuff, she probably couldn’t even remember what was hers versus his.
