WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont7.)

[Ready2Change]

The woman I married and the woman she became were too very different women. But I did put up with this second woman for a solid 8 years.

Are you going to ever let anyone treat you like that again?

Somewhere I read something similar to this:

There is the true you. There is the person you project to other people. There is the image that person has in their mind. Same goes for your wife.

You most likely know her better than anyone else. And you don't even know her. Same for her. She thinks she knows you, but she doesn't know you at all.


This stuff gets crazy abstract.

[ScottB]

Again, I tend to break certain rules. I did it again today.

I had to organize a carpool with one of my wife's old friends from before her affair. I hadn't talked to this woman much in years. At the time of the affair my wife and for years thereafter my wife had accused me of having this woman spy on her. I didn't remember that, but never thought it was worth the argument and moved on.

Today I asked this woman about it. She was indignant. She said I never asked and she never would have done that anyhow. She also said how my STBXW had back stabbed her a couple of times (something I didn't know) and she said that my STBXW's problem was her mother who had manipulated and controlled and mind-F'ed her.

Now, I know that's true, but I was shocked to hear it from someone who hadn't talked to my wife in 5 years when their relationship was severed.

If you've seen the movie the Matrix, that's kind of how I'm starting to feel about my life. Its like I was living this life and it was fine but I couldn't see the reality of it. As I get more distance, and talk to people, I'm shocked at the things they bring up or mention that I never saw and how it all seems to coalesce with my new view of reality.

Its creating cognitive dissonance for me, where I'm second guessing everything.

There is no going back, there is only forward.
--------------------------

LH: I've never ridden a motorcycle. Jet Ski'ed Snowmobiled. Looks fun and I want to learn.

And I did marry a cheater. She cheated on me with her boyfriend when she was 20. I just thought that once you got married it was different. I guess not.

And dude, trust me - I did everything that could have been done for that woman. This one was not on me. A marriage takes two and I was willing to do the work. MY STBXW owns this one.

[LH19]

LH: I've never ridden a motorcycle. Jet Ski'ed Snowmobiled. Looks fun and I want to learn.

I have road all three and a motorcycle is a different animal. What I am saying is it will take some time before you are ready for a cross country trip.

And I did marry a cheater. She cheated on me with her boyfriend when she was 20. I just thought that once you got married it was different. I guess not.

Cheaters cheat Scotty B that's what they do. Married not married it doesn't matter. They may not stray for awhile but eventually they will stray again.

And dude, trust me - I did everything that could have been done for that woman. This one was not on me. A marriage takes two and I was willing to do the work. MY STBXW owns this one.

Scotty B this is all very subjective. What I am saying is own your side of the street.

[SteveLW]

Scott, my concern here is that she still consumes so much of your headspace. And what rule did you break? That seems like something that would naturally come up? "Hey, you know my STBXW once accused me of having you spy on her! LOL, isn't she cra-cra?". So I am not sure what the rule you think you broke is? Do I think it is necessarily healthy to feel the need to have brought this up? Maybe not.

Scott, I liked your answered when I asked you if she came back would you entertain it. However, I am wondering if that is true. I think you are trying to convince yourself it is true. The test will be for you that the next time you see someone that also knew your STBXW, if you feel the need to bring her up. When you were out with friends and saw the BF, she is the one that brought it up. No harm no foul. With this woman it appears you initiated the discussion. That is more of an issue. Again, I don't think there is a rule against it per se, but that it just not a healthy thing to do for you to move on.

[Ready2Change]

If you've seen the movie the Matrix, that's kind of how I'm starting to feel about my life. Its like I was living this life and it was fine but I couldn't see the reality of it. As I get more distance, and talk to people, I'm shocked at the things they bring up or mention that I never saw and how it all seems to coalesce with my new view of reality.

Its creating cognitive dissonance for me, where I'm second guessing everything.

Being able to step outside of your sitch is a good skill. You look at it with a new set of eyes. You are looking into the "fishbowl". No emotional response. You logically decided how one of the people should interact with the other one. You then control the one person that you can. Let the other do whatever they are going to do.

Before you act, you can ask yourself : What would LH19 do in this sitch? Steve85? R2C? What would Sandi2 say to do?

[Ready2Change]

a motorcycle is a different animal

On a motorcycle, you have to be completely focused on the moment. Other people are distracted and do not see you and you can be killed in an instant. If you get distracted with all the brain noise, your odds of not reacting quick enough puts you in danger as well.


Fall off a jet ski and you get wet.

[ScottB]

Scott, my concern here is that she still consumes so much of your headspace. And what rule did you break? That seems like something that would naturally come up?

I don't believe I'm supposed to be talking about my situation with friends or family.

[ScottB]

Today was bad!

We had 2.5 hours of mediation with both of our attorney's. I struggle to use the written word to explain how full of rage I am. It was 2.5 hours of me taking questions about my business. Her attorney, as expected, is going to go for way more than is reasonable - presumably with a hope of landing in the middle.

So here are some of the things I learned. If my business is worth $2mm - that is the value for the divorce. So I give my STBXW $1mm and then I own the entire business. If I sell the business then I owe $600k of taxes on the value - the court system does not take that embedded tax into account when they do the valuation. So effectively my wife gets $1mm and I get the tax, leaving me with $400k. Let me just say that is not fair.

AND If that weren't enough, her attorney is saying that my entire income is subject to support. So let's say I make $500k per year but I could pay someone $150k per year to do my job and the other $350k is profit.

The typical assumption would be that if I bought the business (see above) the the profit would not be subject to spousal support, because I bought it. Well, they are trying to say that I would need to pay support on the entire $500k. AND of course, alimony can no longer be written off.

And of course this does not account for all the other assets that are also getting cut in half.

I'll give it some time before I decide to do anything dramatic, but a scorched earth policy is beginning to feel appropriate.

Sell it, and look for new work.

It would save me several hundred thousand in capital gains taxes, it would drop me several tax brackets, and it would create a situation where I would owe no support. Net of all of it, I would end up in the same spot with arguably diminished future income potential; but I could figure that out.

Maybe I start another business once this is behind me.

[SteveLW]

Scott, my concern here is that she still consumes so much of your headspace. And what rule did you break? That seems like something that would naturally come up?

I don't believe I'm supposed to be talking about my situation with friends or family.

This is only IF the sitch has not gone public yet. Take my sitch, my W was still in the house, D14 (at the time) didn't know, and no one other than her and I were aware of what was going on.

Your W is gone. Out of the house. At this point I think it is okay to discuss, though again I hope they are the ones that bring it up since you are moving on.

[SteveLW]

Today was bad!

We had 2.5 hours of mediation with both of our attorney's. I struggle to use the written word to explain how full of rage I am. It was 2.5 hours of me taking questions about my business. Her attorney, as expected, is going to go for way more than is reasonable - presumably with a hope of landing in the middle.

So here are some of the things I learned. If my business is worth $2mm - that is the value for the divorce. So I give my STBXW $1mm and then I own the entire business. If I sell the business then I owe $600k of taxes on the value - the court system does not take that embedded tax into account when they do the valuation. So effectively my wife gets $1mm and I get the tax, leaving me with $400k. Let me just say that is not fair.

AND If that weren't enough, her attorney is saying that my entire income is subject to support. So let's say I make $500k per year but I could pay someone $150k per year to do my job and the other $350k is profit.

The typical assumption would be that if I bought the business (see above) the the profit would not be subject to spousal support, because I bought it. Well, they are trying to say that I would need to pay support on the entire $500k. AND of course, alimony can no longer be written off.

And of course this does not account for all the other assets that are also getting cut in half.

I'll give it some time before I decide to do anything dramatic, but a scorched earth policy is beginning to feel appropriate.

Sell it, and look for new work.

It would save me several hundred thousand in capital gains taxes, it would drop me several tax brackets, and it would create a situation where I would owe no support. Net of all of it, I would end up in the same spot with arguably diminished future income potential; but I could figure that out.

Maybe I start another business once this is behind me.

I tried to warn you. But I am so happy you have an attorney. So many LBSs get sucked into the "let's keep this amicable" delusion.

Sorry man, I know this isn't what you wanted to hear. I think it stinks that she decides to walk AND is entitled to half + support. But welcome to the "no fault" divorce racket. Not sure who ever thought that was a good idea. But I digress.