I'm working very hard at self improvement. I get it my progress is not maybe as fast as it should be and its been a painful journey and some days I just go home and shut the door and go to bed to raw to do any work but also not wanting to make any mistakes and creating a set back.
The point that I'm trying to make is that you can't truly work on your inner attachment/trauma/childhood wounds while trying to date people, I don't think it's possible.
IMO, you have to pick:
1. Continue to date while broken and settle into another relationship that will eventually implode with another BD.
or
2. Be single and learn to be comfortable in your own skin, heal, and then date when you are healthy and whole. Ironically, this is when you will attract a good partner.
I think people here get frustrated with you because we can see what you can't (many of us have been here for years and have seen this a million times) and we get to sit and watch as our friend Kit, continues to self harm.
Last edited by job; 02/03/2112:40 AM. Reason: fixed quote
I have literally done it all... Masterclass, Cooking Class, Exercise, Home Projects... I'm a total introvert and my home is my happy place but I cannot do one more thing in this house....
I've done lots of zoom meet ups... I chat, text and online with friends...
These walls have closed in on me in a big way.
Due to COVID things I would normally do are not available.... wineries, events, music... NOTHING in my area. Heck I'd even take a long drive... NOTHING.
I need out of the house before I end up like Jack Nicholson in the Shinning...
I've been avoiding posting on Newbies posts for some time mostly because it frustrates me. So here's the deal. May is offering you gold with a smile and a hug. Not every one here is going to offer you things that way. And there's a reason for that. You along with a handful of others remain in a little box of you're own creation repeating the same actions over and over and expecting different results every time. I lot of vets run out of patience with that. And rightly so when they've told you the same things over and over.
I left a dog with my exH. I raised him. I trained him. I love him. I bawled the day my ex called to tell me it was just a matter of time. I cried when I had to leave him behind. I dog sat for the dog too. But trust and believe I also left my exH, he didn't leave me. And we weren't at a dog sitting place until 2 years after I moved out. and about 1 1/2 after the papers were signed. You're willingness to jump at that opportunity leaves me and others to wonder how much of that was really about the dog. And you can't be upset when that question arises. Especially after abuse allegations. Dog or no dog, self preservation instincts should've kicked in at some point. But they didn't and don't and it leads me to wonder.
I have been in an abusive relationship. I've been in more than one if you want to count childhood abuse. I can tell you good people can become toxic and turn into people they aren't when they find themselves in toxic relationship. That kind of relationship can turn two mostly well adjusted people into raving lunatics who feed each others demons into chaos. Not all abusive relationships are the kind people see in movies. Most of the time when you both get out and move on it's a toxic relationship not necessarily a traditionally abusive one. But a little secret about that. At least one of those people typically thinks that toxic dumpster fire with it's dramatic highs and lows is what love is due to FOO or early romantic relationships or both. I'd put money on the fact that you get sucked back in by your ex over and over again willingly because of that cycle, that insane pull push you have in a codependent relationship fuels you in a way not much else does. I've been there. A lot of people have, but the question is what are you doing about it?
I also have some questions about the next to no female friend thing, but I'll leave that for another day. The zoom calls with your friends that May suggested is a great idea, but you may also want to find yourself a place to develop more female friendships. Like an online book club. There are other boards like this for literally any other issue or interest on the planet. It's all one google search away. When I was teen mom, one of my biggest saving graces was an online mom community. Same with a friend of mine who had micro-premies. Or my mom when she was sick and living in a rural area. Having other cancer patients to talk to offered her support in a way no one else could. You have options to expand your circle. You just have to be willing to look for them.
Which comes to my last and most important points. I know people have been on you about IC. And I know money is an issue for a lot of people. But I also know that a ton of therapists work on a sliding scale, there's even a few apps for that. And my dear your self work needs to be altered entirely and for some reason no one on here can get you to see that. Your self work has nothing to do with what you could've done to be a better spouse. That kind of work is something to be done much later. Honey, your work needs to be about why you'd choose a mate who hurts you in anyway and then continue to pick them over and over. What your contribution is in your cycles of disfunction. And most importantly why you can't stand to be alone with yourself. It took me years to work through my demons. And I know I still am. But your self work isn't to attract a mate, it's to make you a happy, whole and healthy person. You also don't necessarily have to do IC if you aren't ready yet, but there are other ways to maybe start finding your path. There are tons and tons of books out there that you should be gobbling up with all this alone time of yours. Codependent No More, Codependency for Dummies, Why does he do that?: Inside the minds of angry and controlling men, The Body Keeps Score. Maybe a really good one for you would be How to do no contact like a boss. There's also tons and tons of podcasts out there. Brene Brown, Unf*ck your Brain, Self Care is Sexy, Love Happiness and Success, Arm Chair Expert. And those are just self improvement ones. There's hundreds upon hundred of podcasts that you could tap into to fill time. Also TED talks. There are so many Ted talks about learning about you, taking care of you, getting past the things that hold you back. And once again about any number of topics you have interest in outside of self improvement.
You have options here. But first you have to stop doing more of the same. More of the same never serves you.
Wayfarer, wow, what a thoughtful and enlightening post! I scanned the beginning of "Codependent No More", and it's entertaining reading, even if not my demon just now. I'll check out those Self Care podcasts.
A very well thought out posting and very sage advice.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
