my forward plans after we come out of lockdown are
1) join a ramblers club - i love walking and being outdoors, i already signed up before lockdown but didn't manage any walks as they all got cancelled. 2) i had started to watch grass routes football again (soccer to Americans) and was starting to enjoy watching 2 of our local teams 3) i bought a road bike in July and had started cycling around the local area, too wet and windy now. 4) my D and me like to walk the coastal paths with the dog (cant at the moment) 5) get my D though College - so she can be the best in life that she can be. 6) continue to get my confidence and self esteem back to what it was a couple of years ago
then after i have finished my grief of my loss (maybe 18 - 24 months) online dating maybe? although i am scared by that prospect as i haven't dated in 28 years
my forward plans after we come out of lockdown are
1) join a ramblers club - i love walking and being outdoors, i already signed up before lockdown but didn't manage any walks as they all got cancelled.
Get involved now! They are probably hosting online meetings. Do not wait until after lockdown.
Originally Posted by markw
2) i had started to watch grass routes football again (soccer to Americans) and was starting to enjoy watching 2 of our local teams
Do they televise these? Why wait until after lockdown?
Originally Posted by markw
3) i bought a road bike in July and had started cycling around the local area, too wet and windy now.
Why not order one of those training things that turns your road bike into a stationary bike? Start training now!
Originally Posted by markw
4) my D and me like to walk the coastal paths with the dog (cant at the moment)
I thought dog walking was an exception to the lockdown? Maybe not with D, but do it without her for now.
Originally Posted by markw
5) get my D though College - so she can be the best in life that she can be.
Isn't she learning virtually right now? Why would this be stopped by lockdown?
Originally Posted by markw
6) continue to get my confidence and self esteem back to what it was a couple of years ago
Again, no need to wait for the lockdown for this.
Originally Posted by markw
then after i have finished my grief of my loss (maybe 18 - 24 months) online dating maybe? although i am scared by that prospect as i haven't dated in 28 years
Take this off the list. There will be a point in time where this happens, no need to list it here.
mark, I am detecting excuses here. "I would do this but lockdown...." Where there is a will there is a way. mark. we LBSs are notorious for sitting around and stewing on our sitch. Most of the above you can still do, maybe a little differently (like riding the bike on a stationary mount, etc).
Get up and get moving!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Very different here in the UK at the moment, we are not allowed to be any further than 7 miles from home!
steve i am awaiting until after the lockdown to get out and about. grass routes football is level 6 here in the UK - Village football (not televised) level 1 (prem is) nothing below this level is! the Ramblers is an outside group for walking - no meetings online as this would be pointless!
again dog walking is ok and yes i do that everyday - but must stay within 7 miles of home, any further away and they fine you if caught.
i do have a stationary mount for my bike - the joy of cycling is feeling the wind in your hair and the surrounding country side - not the inside of my front room
my confidence will return when i can do the things that i enjoy outside - its getting better but it will take time! of which i have plenty of
The trouble is that us LBH's view our WW via rose coloured spectacles and put them on a pedastool, we are remembering the good moments of our M, where as our WW is only wants to remember the negative bits and non of the good bits?
Originally Posted by markw
This will change where your's will come off and hers will go on. Google the Fading Affect Bias. What us LBH's need to do is remember, is the lies and deceit we had to endure over the past year or two?
You would be surprised what some LBS are willing to overlook including multiple affairs
Originally Posted by markw
In my case of how she put me into Depression and stress.
Something to work on. You should never let anyone effect your emotions. When I list out her good points and then her bad points of which there are more,! Odds are you were just as unhappy with her. Men are typically willing to put up more to keep the family intact. I then ask myself why would you still want to be M with her? [/quote]
The biggest problem for most people in this scenario is the feeling that you've lost control over your life and your future.
For years you've lived by a certain set of rules -- that if you're a good husband, you can count on your wife supporting you.
Because you're married, your relationship is a source of stability in your life.
When that's suddenly ripped away and you can't understand (a) what you did to make it fall apart so suddenly, (b) why the person who used to be your partner seems to have had a complete personality change and (c) why you can't seem to do anything to make it better, it is totally destabilizing.
Your brain doesn't like this instability, and it doesn't like the unavailability of a remedy at all! Its panic-inducing.
Because of this lack of control and the fear that comes with it, you desperately, desperately want to regain your feeling of control and stability.
Your brain convinces you that the quickest way to do that is to get your wayward spouse back. If you can do that, then all the old rules still apply and there was just a temporary blip on the radar.
As a result, your brain will compel you to want to pursue, and everything else is a justification to allow you to do what you want.
Step back and look at some of these situations -- a person's wife cheats on them for years with several OM's. If that comes to light, a rational person would say "this woman has issues" and head the other way right? But in reality, we see time and again that the LBS convinces themselves that this cheater is the best person in the world, and they want to have them back more than anything.
WHY? Because the loss of control is devastating. The loss of control is something our brains can't process or tolerate.
3) i bought a road bike in July and had started cycling around the local area, too wet and windy now.
i do have a stationary mount for my bike - the joy of cycling is feeling the wind in your hair and the surrounding country side - not the inside of my front room
I just started a daily practice of cycling, so I get preferring outside. In my area, it's been 30s with light wind and rain. I had to order lightweight gloves and ear warmers (headband-style). I also am not straying too many miles from home in case "light rain and wind" shifts to "heavy rain and wind".
A ticketed 7-mile prohibition--wow! That is tighter than most places in the USA. Still, that allows you to cycle (2 x Pi x 7) = up to 43 miles in a straight line, or in an area (Pi x 7^2) of about 150 square miles.
It's an interesting time. I hope the weather clears up near you, soon.
i am still wearing my wedding ring, would it help with detachment to remove it? or does it make no difference at all?
the reason i ask is my WW has sent a list this morning of stuff she wants from the house for her flat, most of it is kitchen stuff and bedding covers! and it made me think about taking my ring off and leaving it off?
Odds are you were just as unhappy with her. Men are typically willing to put up more to keep the family intact. I then ask myself why would you still want to be M with her?
I think if most of us were truly honest with ourselves, we'd see the absolute truth in this.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Hi Mark, just be wary of taking it off to get a reaction, as that often backfires when (most common) they take no apparent notice of the change or (less common) it becomes another excuse for moving on. If you do it because you believe the marriage is over, those won't be problems. It can help with detachment.
she wouldn't notice as i haven't seen her since xmas day -so its only for me and yes i think my M is finished as WW wants all her stuff out of my house! plus some other stuff as well.
