WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont7.)

[ScottB]

She is on Facebook all the time and when she had the affair I figured a lot of it out because of the phone logs. Then those went cold and I couldn’t figure out how she was communicating but i just had this feeling she was using Facebook somehow and I couldn’t figure it out. I can see the people she friends and there was only one guy that was suspicious, she referred to him as her “pilot friend”. I expressed concern about him once and that blew up.

Anyhow whether or not she was using it, after I text her last night about it and she said she would “look into it” it immediately went away. So I text her again to let her know that and she said “I deleted it”, so basically she knew about it, whatever it was and lied about it the first time.

I completely agree with LH.

What [censored] about last night is I had done really good at the meeting and I felt good after considering, but then catching her lying about FB and the fact i always had a suspicion she was using FB to cheat on me, sting last night.

I’ll get over it; and who knows what it could have been for - it’s not relevant - I just need to move on and put it behind me.

[Vapo]

Dude, you are doing waaaay too much talking and too much texting. Who gives a flying fcuk about her real or fake FB account? Stop texting her, unless it is about kids or finances. LAst time I checked her FB account is about neither.

I know that catching her lying upset you. You should have been prepared by now that your EX does and will lie (remember Sandi's rules?). Believe nothing they say.

[97Hope]

Of course it stung. It's more of the same. I know it's hard, but please listen to Vapo. Don't text her at all about that. As far as you are concerned, she's not on your radar. And then do whatever you need to do to stop keeping her on your radar. I quit FB and it was good for me.

Also - Sandi's Rules are golden. Follow them. Will help you a great deal!

[Traveler]

That's a good question--why are you still FB friends?

I blocked my ex-GF on Facebook last Sunday and I unfriended my ex-W when we separated. With my ex-GF it hurt, I've seen teeth pulled and I imagine that's what it feels like, but it makes detachment easier.

[harvey]

I quit FB and it was good for me.

Same here. I used to waste a lot of time mindlessly scrolling through FB, Twitter, and Instagram feeds. Most of the people I barely had a real connection with. It didn't seem so bad at the time because my XW was on her phone even more than me. In retrospect, I was on my phone a lot. I think my daughters appreciate my undivided attention nowadays.

[ScottB]

LH - Man, sometimes you say something and I think, that is so straight on.

Scotty B,

Truth be told she is the woman you married. You were sleeping with her when she had a boyfriend.

I would change that a touch though. The woman I marrried and the woman she became were too very different women. But I did put up with this second woman for a solid 8 years. I remember before the affair thinking that every time she spoke to me she sounded pissed off.

I do find solace in the fact that at this time everyone I know that knows her that I maintain a relationship with feel like she is in a MLC or has some mental issue going on or something hormonal. I have been on a quest to feel that this wasn't about me.

Now before everyone jumps me, yes I had a hand in issues no doubt, but at the end of the day I moved heaven and earth and at this point I am not mentally ill or having an MLC or anything like that.

I break rules, its what I do: So I spoke with my sister in law, married to my brother, this weekend. She is very direct, tells it like it is, she's east coast / NYer. My wife and her had a good relationship. Anyhow, my sister in law said how she really works to stay in the middle and she always believes their are two sides, but that in this one she said my STBXW has something mental going on and my sister in law believes in ten years my STBXW will look back with regret.

Whether true or not, whether I should have had that conversation or not, it does help me heal and move on and that's what I need.

On the Facebook stuff:

Vapo - I agree. I need to work to go less contact. There is just a lot of BS that she hits me up for and then like I said on Saturday I texted her and I shouldn't have (it was only 2 texts, but still).

CW - Man, I don't think I can unfriend her. That feels like war. I can decide to be on FB less or remove my profile temporarily. I don't get on it often at all. Just happened to check it Saturday and then I wasn't look for her, her second profile just showed up in my "People You Might Know" section.

And Harvey, I'm not on it at all (because there is a chance I see something from the X that will send me on Tilt.)
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I love Monday's because I take the kids snowboarding, so tonight will be awesome. I also booked a ski trip for me in he kids in two weeks which is going to be AWESOME.

I still need to get my motorcycle thing booked. And I have a goal this week to book a fishing trip for June and a Skiiing Trip for March. Hoping the Motorcycle thing call fall in place for April. I also may take the kids to FL in April over Easter to see my parents and I'm debating heading back south in three weeks when I don't have the kids.

This coming weekend will only be my second at home without the kids, so its kind of like a test run to see how I do emotionally.

[Traveler]

Hi Scott,

CW - Man, I don't think I can unfriend her. That feels like war. I can decide to be on FB less or remove my profile temporarily. I don't get on it often at all. Just happened to check it Saturday and then I wasn't look for her, her second profile just showed up in my "People You Might Know" section.

"War", hmm? Interesting. To me, it says "no" to being friends immediately after the breakup. I don't want to know if she has an amazing trip somewhere we planned to go, buys a new car, or gets a worrisome medical diagnosis. I don't want to see new BFs or GFs. My detachment is an act of self-preservation made with love and no hostility behind it. 4 of my ex's made the same choice. I didn't interpret them as hostile.

The choice of being friends vs. not being friends right after a breakup is a big one. I choose "No" for now, like those 4 ex's. I am free to re-visit in a year. I have reconnected with 2 of those 4 ex's as friends.

I agree deleting your FB account or de-activating it until you're over her are viable options. I won't do that, personally, because I use Facebook to exchange family photos (e.g., Christmas in 10mo). I suspect it'll be a long time before either of us wants to see our ex's celebrating Christmas with someone else.

[LH19]

LH - Man, sometimes you say something and I think, that is so straight on.

Just sometimes. Come on man!

I would change that a touch though. The woman I married and the woman she became were too very different women. But I did put up with this second woman for a solid 8 years. I remember before the affair thinking that every time she spoke to me she sounded pissed off.

What I am saying Scotty B is you married a cheater. Now she may have been faithful for 15 years but she's still a cheater and eventually she was going to cheat again. Why? Because she doesn't think it's wrong, She will always find a way to justify it. So now you know in the future when a woman talks to you like that you know somethings wrong. You either fix what is wrong or you walk and never look back.

I do find solace in the fact that at this time everyone I know that knows her that I maintain a relationship with feel like she is in a MLC or has some mental issue going on or something hormonal. I have been on a quest to feel that this wasn't about me.

So you are right that hormones, brain chemicals are involved but it is also about you. She feels she can't be happy with you. Right or wrong that is how she feels. Time will tell if she is right or wrong.

Now before everyone jumps me, yes I had a hand in issues no doubt, but at the end of the day I moved heaven and earth and at this point I am not mentally ill or having an MLC or anything like that.

Do you have a doctors note verifying that Scotty B? Again, in your opinion you have moved heaven and earth.

I break rules, its what I do: So I spoke with my sister in law, married to my brother, this weekend. She is very direct, tells it like it is, she's east coast / NYer. My wife and her had a good relationship. Anyhow, my sister in law said how she really works to stay in the middle and she always believes their are two sides, but that in this one she said my STBXW has something mental going on and my sister in law believes in ten years my STBXW will look back with regret.

Your sister-in-Law is trying to ease your pain. She has no way of knowing that. A lot depends on luck. Your Ex could find the most amazing man who listens and understands her and makes her feel like the most special person on earth.

CW - Man, I don't think I can unfriend her. That feels like war. I can decide to be on FB less or remove my profile temporarily. I don't get on it often at all. Just happened to check it Saturday and then I wasn't look for her, her second profile just showed up in my "People You Might Know" section.

Just block her. She will never know.

I still need to get my motorcycle thing booked. And I have a goal this week to book a fishing trip for June and a Skiiing Trip for March. Hoping the Motorcycle thing call fall in place for April. I also may take the kids to FL in April over Easter to see my parents and I'm debating heading back south in three weeks when I don't have the kids.

Have you ever road a motorcycle? I am learning now. You just to get on a motorcycle and go on a long trip. That would not be responsible.

[Ready2Change]

R2C: What are your thoughts on the Rational Male book?

Someone else here who has read the book may be able to give better feedback to you, but since you asked me directly:

I just skimmed the amazon preview. If I was browsing the books at the book store, I would have put it down and kept looking for a better option to purchase.

As with all books, I am sure there is insight that one can gain by reading it. When I checked out his example of an alpha male, I don't think it is what I would aspire to.

Have you seen this:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094

[Ready2Change]

Dude, you are doing waaaay too much talking and too much texting. Who gives a flying fcuk about her real or fake FB account? Stop texting her, unless it is about kids or finances.

Agree.

Checking my email today, I see an invitation to follow my X on Instagram. I react to it about the same as all the ones that end up in my spam box.