Trying to heal from WW

[Ace_32]

Thanks Sandi, i tend to be too hard on myself and i have been for as long as i can remember. I do tend to blame myself alot, if only i had been more attentive or nicer she would still be here,etc. but i guess thats how most LBS think. My confidence and self esteem were already affected before her current affair, i think my self identity was tied in to my marriage and relationship with her. While we were still together i was constantly apologising and feeling like nothing i did was ever good enough, i could do 100 things right but then 1 thing wrong in her eyes and thats all she would focus on.

I dont believe her behavior defines me as a man, but as i mentioned i think my self identity was in our marriage and i feel completely lost now. Yes you are making sense, i do have quite good morals and i am respectful of rules. I also feel that i have been respectful in most cases when communicating with her the last few months, never really got angry or tried to make her feel bad about leaving but i also feel that letting her walk all over me is what caused her to lose respect for me in the first place. I never used to be a push over but the fear of losing her made me weak and i lost my self respect a few years ago.

I constantly tried to fix things or felt she was upset with me and when she wasnt happy i always thought it was because of me or something i had done wrong. Like i said i apologized alot, even when i didnt think i was wrong. Thought i did it to keep the peace and she would never apologise or feel like she was in the wrong, but i realise now that it was weak of me to do that and it never actually resolved the problem.

You are right about the rebellious teen thing, the last year we were together she basically said she had done everything she could and she was done trying and started going out more and saying she can do whatever she wants. Its shocking actually how ignorant and blind we can be, because i thought things were going better between us for a few months after that and i never expected her to leave. I guess that mindset kept me from doing the work on my side to change the things i was doing or wasnt doing that she said she wanted, i didn't think i could lose her and BD was a surprise to me even if i could see all the signs that it was coming. I wasnt happy within myself and i think i put to much pressure on her and the marriage to make me happy, but if you aren't happy with yourself then nobody else is going to make you happy.

To be honest most of the time i didnt understand why she was upset with me, even if she explained it. Think im very rational and i struggled to understand or reason with her when her emotional side came out. You are right, she is not interested in a future with me or talking about us. Like she says, there isnt an 'us' anymore and its difficult to comprehend how someone that i thought loved me so much can just completely turn their back on me. Think we all need closure and understanding but a majority of us will never get it, it cant be a prerequisite to move on with my life but realising this and moving on are much harder than i realise. I think she is filing for divorce this week.

[OnlyBent]

Ace, as I describe it, its like skating on ice and everything I did wrong in my STBXW's eyes thinned the ice, yet nothing I did could ever thicken it again. The ice was always doomed to crack...

I feel for you Ace, this situation that you find yourself in [censored]. I can feel your pain, I could have written this last post myself. After she left, my friends starting pointing all these things out to me. Its taken me a while, but I am starting to realise that I deserve better than this, you will too. We deserve to be happy and to be with people who don't make us feel this way. We may not have been perfect, but we didn't deserve this.

Keep putting in the work, listening to the advice, things will start to turn for you mate.

[Ace_32]

Thanks OnlyBent, i get your analogy of the ice it makes sense and it was probably true in my case as well.

Yeah its the most painful experience of my life and she doesn't seem to care how much damage she is causing. I used to believe that i deserved the way she was with me because she would blame me for hurting her and thats why she would be cold towards me. I stqrted believing that if i was just a better husband then she would be nice to me and show me affection, the thing is that her love shouldn't have been that conditional and im starting to realise as well that while i may not have been the best husband i definitely dont deserve this.

Sorry for what you have been through as well, i am not completely familiar with your sitch. Have you got divorced or still seperated and trying? Thanks for the encouragement, will keep moving forward because i dont really have a choice. I only have 2 options really, which is to let this ruin my life and be stuck in a hole and never move on or to realise that i cant change the past but hope that there are better things planned for my future and start working towards that. I believe that this all happened for a reason and i needed to be removed from a toxic situation.

[OnlyBent]

Yeah its the most painful experience of my life and she doesn't seem to care how much damage she is causing. I used to believe that i deserved the way she was with me because she would blame me for hurting her and thats why she would be cold towards me. I started believing that if i was just a better husband then she would be nice to me and show me affection, the thing is that her love shouldn't have been that conditional and im starting to realise as well that while i may not have been the best husband i definitely dont deserve this.

Were we married to the same person Ace?? None of us were the best H or W, that's why we're here, but a LOT of marriages survive when someone hasn't been perfect, because guess what, no one is perfect.

Try and list the values that you would want in a future partner Ace, then list the values that your W has shown you in the last six months. Do they align?

Sorry for what you have been through as well, i am not completely familiar with your sitch. Have you got divorced or still seperated and trying?

I am on my way to being D in August and every day I am more aware that I was not happy in my old life and that I do not want to be with someone who didn't value me or our family enough to work on things, to be honest and most importantly does not love me or want to be with me.

Thanks for the encouragement, will keep moving forward because i dont really have a choice. I only have 2 options really, which is to let this ruin my life and be stuck in a hole and never move on or to realise that i cant change the past but hope that there are better things planned for my future and start working towards that. I believe that this all happened for a reason and i needed to be removed from a toxic situation.

You only have 1 option, its the latter. Embrace the escape from the toxic situation. Our situations might not be identical, but the way you've described things, we have a lot in common. You're going to thrive my man.

[Ace_32]

Its good to hear another perspective from someone that has gone through a similar sitch, thanks for sharing and giving some advise. I know i wasn't perfect and neither was she, she seemed to think she was almost perfect though and she said exactly that a few times. You are right though that no matter how bad things were at times i wasn't going to give up on her and i would never have done this to her.

I will try do that but i can guarantee that she wouldnt meet any of my values for the past 6 months and maybe even longer than that.

Im glad you have come to that realization, im sure it will help you start healing. I haven't come to that place yet but i am getting there slowly and i agree that i shouldnt want to be with someone who doesn't love me or value who i am.

Yes i agree, i dont want to choose the 1st option. It is still a choice that we all have to make though and hopefully we all can make the right choice. Thanks for your messages, i am strong enough to get through this and come out a better man.

[sandi2]

i also feel that letting her walk all over me is what caused her to lose respect for me in the first place. I never used to be a push over but the fear of losing her made me weak and i lost my self respect a few years ago.

Of course it did! It's the old nasty part of human beings. We don't respect those who let us walk on them. Since a W's temperature of desire is measured by her level of respect she has for her H........you can see how important it is to look from that perspective.

I constantly tried to fix things or felt she was upset with me and when she wasnt happy i always thought it was because of me or something i had done wrong. Like i said i apologized alot, even when i didnt think i was wrong. Thought i did it to keep the peace and she would never apologise or feel like she was in the wrong, but i realise now that it was weak of me to do that and it never actually resolved the problem.

This ^^^^^^^^is so common in the stories we read. She will not respond well to your NGS. It turns her off, b/c she sees it as weakness. Weakness is not a trait that sparks respect in a W. She knew she wasn't held accountable and you would eventually apologize (even if you didn't know what you were apologizing for), so she used your NGS against you. Although some things may change in the sitch, this particular dynamic doesn't change. Even if you split, she'll challenge your ability to stand up to her and not get pulled into her game. You have to stop being Mr. Nice Guy!

Think we all need closure and understanding but a majority of us will never get it, it cant be a prerequisite to move on with my life but realising this and moving on are much harder than i realise. I think she is filing for divorce this week.

As you said, your identity was linked to your M. If the M is gone, then what happens to you? I've seen a lot of fear in H's who don't know who they are outside of being a husband & father. It's as if their former self has vanished. If that's the case here, then I urge you to revisit your basic core values. What are your beliefs that determine your decisions, your behavior, etc. What can you do to like yourself? You've got to respect yourself before anyone else can. So, start there.

The board is always telling newcomers to work on themselves. However, some newcomers misinterpret that advice to mean work on becoming their idea of a better H. Some newcomers think it means placating their W. No, those things are useless. The WW is not going to let her H work on their MR, b/c she doesn't want it. She's fired him! Therefore, forget her. Focus on Ace. Not what Ace needs to do to hang onto his WW, but totally apart from her and the M. What does Ace need (and don't say his W). How does Ace need to change in relationships with other people? What does he need to do in order for others to respect him as a man? Most importantly, what does he need to do to like himself?

Read self help books, take classes, get counseling, or whatever it takes to be the man you can respect. You are a valuable man, Ace.........you just need to conduct yourself as such.

[Ace_32]

Thanks Sandi, i wasnt always a nice guy to her to be honest but close to the end i became weak and i can see how that could be a turnoff for her. I let her get away with too much and didn't have the energy to have the same fights anymore and i guess i just started giving up on standing up for myself and sticking to my boundaries. We live and we learn i guess, many life lessons to learn from something like this.

I always stand up for myself and what i believe is right, i think i lost the ability to do that with her. I started becoming scared of her reactions and the things she would say when i brought up something that was bothering me. Definitely agree that she started using it against me to manipulate me into getting what she wanted or to make me feel that im in the wrong. I have stopped contacting her completely now, last week she asked me to post her our marriage certificate because she needs it to file. I sent it and havent spoken to her since.

It was my whole life for the last few years, i didnt really do much without her so its tough. I moved to a new place a few weeks ago at the coast and started a new job, still quite far from where she is though so i have no idea if i will see her again or if i even want to. I needed a fresh start and to see what happens. I tend to drink too much so thats something i am trying to work on, also want to start jogging and exercising more. The last few years have made me a lot more humble which i think is a good thing, i used to be quite arrogant when i was younger but the world has a way of knocking you down and teaching you lessons.

I have been reading my bible and alot of christian books the last 6 months, also cut down on tv. Started talking to a Christian counselor last week and seeing him again tomorrow, he is helping me to realise the internal issues i have and how this isnt all my fault. Also met with a young pastor at a church near me recently and i am receiving links to the virtual Sunday services until the church reopens.

Learning to like myself has been one of my biggest problems in my life actually not just my marriage and becoming a man i can be proud of is top of my to do list. i miss her but i dont tell her about any of the things im doing anymore, i havent for a while. Realised she doesnt care about it and eventually i stopped caring about sharing with her.

Thanks for your response Sandi, really appreciate the time you guys take to give your views and feedback.

[Traveler]

I let her get away with too much and didn't have the energy to have the same fights anymore and i guess i just started giving up on standing up for myself and sticking to my boundaries.

Hi Ace, hopefully as you work on self-improvement, you'll learn to set and maintain a boundary without fighting. If you wanted a bank teller to give you $100 for free, they'd say no, and they wouldn't fight.

i didnt really do much without her so its tough.

It's a chance to try new things. It's also worth trying some things you did with your ex. You can do those now and be yourself without any fear of reaction. If she was worth doing something for, so are you.

I tend to drink too much so thats something i am trying to work on, also want to start jogging and exercising more.

These are fantastic goals.

e is helping me to realise the internal issues i have and how this isnt all my fault.

Of course! A breakup is usually the fault of two people. You own your part, they own theirs.

Learning to like myself has been one of my biggest problems in my life

I'm watching for "automatic thoughts" (my inner critic) to challenge and replace negative ones with positive ones. Ace, keep up the good work! I see lots of effort in this last past. Take care.

[Ace_32]

Hi CWarrior, thanks for your response.

I would just bring up something that bothered me and she would start a fight or turn it around on me, i get what you are saying though.

True, i have been isolating myself a bit from people these last few months which isn't good. Slowly starting to come out of my shell and do things again.

Thanks, trying to find consistency in keeping these changes going is the challenge but i will get there.

Starting to realise that but when you constantly get blamed and are a person that tends to have alot of regret in general it is difficult at first not to believe what she says.

Thank you for the kind words, im also trying to become aware of negative thoughts and stop myself. I also an overthinker which doesnt help. Will keep on working on it

[sandi2]

I would just bring up something that bothered me and she would start a fight or turn it around on me, i get what you are saying though.

This sounds like a logical approach.........if you are dealing with a logical person. When you say something was bothering you, was it usually linked with her? If so, it sounds as if she was being overly defensive and went into attack mode. Did you try different approaches? Did you try different times of the day? Did this usually follow after something else had set her off?

Standing up for yourself when dealing with a wayward spouse must be done immediately and without discussion. No pronouncements........no explanations........no negotiations....... nothing. You must have a way to enforce your boundary, that require no conversation. The more common thing I've seen nice-guys do, initially, is to walk away. That's okay for a few things, but let's be honest.......how big of a consequence is it for her? If she puts you down in front of your kids (or anyone) and you walk out of the room, do you really think it's going to stop her the next time?

Starting to realise that but when you constantly get blamed and are a person that tends to have alot of regret in general it is difficult at first not to believe what she says.

I think you need to get to the bottom of why you have a lot of regret "in general". You've allowed her to kick you around, and you've taken on the mentality of a victim. You'll do the same thing in your next relationship if you don't figure out how to end this sort of abuse. The reason you have so much regret is b/c you believe what she (and maybe others) says about you.