IF the H can separate his emotions from the situation, and take on the attitude that they are going to be alright no matter what she does, and allows that perspective to inform their behavior and decisions, there is a greater chance that the WW will feel like THEY are the ones losing out and MIGHT start to second guess their choice.
I just said something similar in my thread. I have no idea what impact it will have on my marriage, but I can at least feel good knowing no matter what happens I will be OK. And I can see how it can cause the WW to second guess their choice. But even if they don't at least your pride or self-worth isn't tied to that.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Easier said than done because we let our emotions take over.
This x100. It's easy to say logical and sensible things here when we're in a somewhat level headed state of mind. It's different out in the real world.
Easier said than done because we let our emotions take over.
[/quote]his x100. It's easy to say logical and sensible things here when we're in a somewhat level headed state of mind. It's different out in the real world. [/quote]
Thank you saltydog, i am early in my sitch and as much as i am trying to let emotions go? its still playing me at times.
And i know that people here are trying to help - for which i am thankful,and the reason i came to these boards!
i am getting better at separating them and dealing with them and looking to the blue skies beyond,but i need time to do that!
most of the help are from people who have reached the blue sky area and are trying to guide us there.
IMHO, detaching is when you can look at your sitch as if you were a bystander observing another couple. You don't become involved in the wayward spouse's drama. Pulling you into her drama is her number one play. That's why she prefers negative reactions, rather than no reaction at all. You remain stoic. Any emotions you feel is not exposed in front of WW and/or children. Let go of your emotions in private.
When you realize you have a WW, everything should change. Some WW's want the home life to remain the same, while she carries on with OM. The H should call a halt to everything that was seen as normal in their relationship, so she'll see that it's not going to work the way she imagined.
The biggest misconception newcomer LBH's have about their WW is to believe they can nice them back. Peel off the nice-guy, b/c that is your # 1 adversary. Your WW detests your NGS, but she'll play on it to manipulate you. NGS is serious, and unfortunately, many men are very proud to announce they are nice guys (not understanding the root causes).
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The trouble is that us LBH's view our WW via rose coloured spectacles and put them on a pedastool, we are remembering the good moments of our M, where as our WW is only wants to remember the negative bits and non of the good bits?
What us LBH's need to do is remember, is the lies and deceit we had to endure over the past year or two? In my case of how she put me into Depression and stress.
When I list out her good points and then her bad points of which there are more,!
I then ask myself why would you still want to be M with her?
I was in your Sitch exactly 24 months ago. My DB was Dec 18..
It was a rough until March 2019 as WW was still in the same house.
The LBS is controlled by fear... In my case it was around the children.. Not seeing them every day, would the seperation impact on them etc.
I can hand on heart say that the last 18 months have been the best 18 months since i met my WW... I also now believe our seperation was best for our children. My WW has always been selfish and her selfish actions controlled / dictated what we did with our children. She found day trips out with three children "stressfull" - she hated our annual holidays abroad, as they werent relaxing - they stressed her out. She never saw past her own opinion or agenda.
Since seperation (when not in lockdown ) i take our children on day trips every weekend. They are the kind of places my ex would hate ( Blackpool / llandudno etc ) but its not about the adult - its what makes kids happy !
You are fortunate your Daughter is 16.
Move on, be a great dad to your daughter and embrase your new life. In 2 years time you will be happy - your WW will probably always be messed up !
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
my D is so much calmer without her mother here! when i used to come home from work, i would walk into a stressed house with D and WW at each other? i have non of that now!
i know she has only been gone 7 weeks and it could change, but at the moment if she asked to come home tomorrow? i would say no! my D would have to come first!
if only lockdown would end we could expand our outings with the dog!
and yes you are right! it is fear that controls my emotions! but i am starting to think why do i need a W to be happy i can do this on my own.
finances are now under control and separated into personnel accounts! i did not realise how much she spent on clothes until i started bagging them up, still loads with labels on and never worn!
The trouble is that us LBH's view our WW via rose coloured spectacles and put them on a pedastool, we are remembering the good moments of our M, where as our WW is only wants to remember the negative bits and non of the good bits?
What us LBH's need to do is remember, is the lies and deceit we had to endure over the past year or two? In my case of how she put me into Depression and stress.
When I list out her good points and then her bad points of which there are more,!
I then ask myself why would you still want to be M with her?
mark, this is awesome. Very few of us LBHs come to this realization so quickly. But this is the kind of thinking that can really turn you around and get you headed in the right direction. Rather than holding on to your WAS for dear life, it can allow you to start making your future plans for yourself. I was about the same distance into my sitch when I finally woke up to the same kind of thinking.
As you said, the rose-tinted glasses make us forget that our MR wasn't all that before BD. But when you step back and realize that it wasn't all that great, and maybe BD is exactly what you needed, then you can start looking at things more objectively. I am a big proponent of LBSs looking at their sitches objectively. What would you tell a friend that was in your shoes? Stepping back and trying to see the forest for the trees can help get a better perspective and try to separate out the logical from the emotion. Very difficult to do, but if you can it can get you thinking more clearly and seeing things for what they really are.
So mark, what are your plans for how to move forward?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
