From her journal I learned her father abandoned the family. She spent her teens and early twenties engaging in unprotected, promiscuous sex multiple STDs Slept with men in married engaged and committed relationships. She slept with her friends boyfriend and after wards wrote, "Even though he has a girlfriend, the feelings between me and X are too strong to be ignored, and we dont regret it. (She was 23)
So this BD happened right when she hit menopause (53) and 2 years after oldest D went away to college.
We were finacially set, with a nice house in great neighborhood. Going to be sold so we can all live in apartments.
Kids going to college paid with cash. Now student loans and jobs.
She lies like crazy, is not attracted to me and her heart is definatley hardened against me.
She spent her teens and early twenties engaging in unprotected, promiscuous sex multiple STDs
What does this history mean to you? You've mentioned it a couple of times. Many people experiment in college--with different types of partners, multiple partners at once, different genders--and after discovering what they like, they manage to keep their commitments to the long-term partner they choose.
Broken people / people with personality disorders will often say one thing / one rule , but then it doesnt apply to them.
To put into context, my WW hated cheating. She made it very clear from the first date, that cheating was a no no.. Her father had left her mother and her for another woman 27 years prior to meeting me.
Three months into our relationship, i accidently found evidence of an historic affair with an engaged / (maybe married) man from work. It was way before we met, so i thought nothing of it - She played it down and i ignored this HUGE red flag..
Her words didnt match her actions. Stupid me for ignoring this !
It took me until DB to see this, when she cheated on me !
I suspect over the coming weeks / months you will see things a lot clearer and realise your WW wasnt all that !
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
Broken people / people with personality disorders will often say one thing / one rule , but then it doesnt apply to them.
To put into context, my WW hated cheating. She made it very clear from the first date, that cheating was a no no.. Her father had left her mother and her for another woman 27 years prior to meeting me.
Three months into our relationship, i accidently found evidence of an historic affair with an engaged / (maybe married) man from work. It was way before we met, so i thought nothing of it - She played it down and i ignored this HUGE red flag..
Her words didnt match her actions. Stupid me for ignoring this !
It took me until DB to see this, when she cheated on me !
I suspect over the coming weeks / months you will see things a lot clearer and realise your WW wasnt all that !
Wow, this is good stuff.
I can relate. My W too was majorly against cheating. Even the first couple of year into our marriage, we found out another couple we knew one of the spouses had cheated. She said to me "How awful, please never cheat on me!" Now granted, by W only had EAs during our marriage, and that is how she would probably justify her stance on cheating, EA vs. PA. But certainly she was headed for a PA in her first EA in 2005 if I hadn't caught it. And only distance prevented her 2017 EA from being a PA (OM lived 1000 miles away in another state). But I also came to find out that before we we dated she had some questionable relationships with a couple of otherwise unavailable guys in her past as well. My W doesn't have a personality disorder, but she certainly would classify herself in the past as "broken".
Nick your point on using sex as a way to validate herself also feels familiar. I think that was a big part of our SSM was that once her end (marriage) was achieved, the means (sex) went by the boards. Admittedly, my NGS behavior and resentment at the SSM didn't improve things, but it certainly wasn't the underlying cause of the SSM.
Anyway, not a lot to add to your sitch Nick, I just thought yours and Bside's observations were interesting.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
That she was seeking sex as a way to validate herself.
I see! So the journal spells out her motives. In her 20s when her self-esteem was low, she slept with men primarily to feel wanted, as opposed tp experimentation, physical pleasure, or for a deeper connection. You wonder if that’s happening after 27 years, because as her respect for you fell low, sleeping with you wouldn’t boost her self-esteem so much anymore?
I think I became complacent, and someone came along and started giving her attention which was the self esteem boost she wanted. When I busted her on the FaceTime bubble bath call she was all giddy and acted like she was high. DB coach said she’s in limerance.
I think I became complacent, and someone came along and started giving her attention which was the self esteem boost she wanted. When I busted her on the FaceTime bubble bath call she was all giddy and acted like she was high. DB coach said she’s in limerance.
May we learn from this. Romantic love isn't unconditional, it requires regular listening and caring.
Inherent in the word "SELF-esteem", is that she owns hers being low, plus sleeping with other men to try to fix it. Looking to dating to fill a self-esteem void isn't confined to WWs. We've seen that in LBSs!
Ugh, I’ve been away a couple weeks and was back at the house getting financials for D and stbxw comes out from bedroom around noon after teleworking a couple hours. All dressed up to see Om, which is her style, never at night, couple hours in the afternoon. Gives me the dirtiest look because I know but don’t say anything.
And I’m annoyed because how much of a settlement she’s going to get when I did all the heavy lifting. After working 40 years, busting my hump, the plan, our plan was for me to retire, she works part time, kids are in college. We are supposed to travel. Nope. Throws a grenade in everyone’s travel, college, retirement plans. Boom.
And get this. We agree to use mediator. She comes back Monday and says I hired a mediator, based on a friend recommendation. Shows me the retainer agreement. I’m like no, you hired a lawyer.
W:But he does mediation.
N: No, he is your advocate, he’s not impartial.
So this goofball attorney sends a revise retainer that says she is his client, but he will mediate, even though he is not a sanctioned mediator. We both have waive conflict of interest.But if I want an impartial mediator, I can hire one, but d bag attorney will still participate. So, dude, that’s when my lawyer shows up.
No, you have all the info, have him draft a settlement agreement, and I will have an attorney review it. What he wants to doing is unethical.
Now it should be pretty simple because no kids, alimony, or child support.split everything 50/50.
The only thing working for me is she wants this done, so hopefully if d bag attorney starts messing around, she’ll call him on it. So expect less than a year BD to divorce.
Honestly, how anybody can watch their wife stink eye them as they go out the door to see OM and not want a D?
OK, stbxw is out of the house for a couple days, which gave me and D18 some bonding time. Made fried rice for the first time and watched Mad Max. I was surprised she enjoyed the movie and the fried rice came out great.
Ill be gone for a 2 week trip when stbxw comes back so we'll be aprt for about 2 weeks. Then its on to D negotiations.
So far I went from trying to save the marriage to trying to figure out something for daughters and myself to saving myself. Its like the oxygen mask analogy, I have to put mine on before helping others.
I do not know where my daughters will be living in the fall. Stbxw has made some vague commenst about getting an apartment in this county. I dont know if shes being deceptive and she has a plan, or if there is no plan. I am retired and could stay here, or move to a different area for a job. Both daughters will be in college in the fall, but we dont know where D18 is going yet. It seems like stbxw thinks we are going to be divorced, and she stays in the house while i pay al the bills.
I am doing my best but I feel that everything is going to fall apart, and then have to be rebuilt. I am geting no cooperation from stbxw in planning our daughters future. My buddy who works in family law says he has no doubt that this is going to bring me closer to my daughters because as this progresses, they will see how stbxw has been putting herself first and everyone else last. I thought about writing a letter to myself with a postmark detailing all the lies and gaslighting of stbxw so I have it in the future when all the dust settles, and have a timeline to show my Ds both our roles in this mess.I dont know if stbxw is trying to trying to make herself good, but I think if she had served me when she dropped the bomb and moved out, that she would have looked worse at first but better in the long run when all to lies and half truths come out.
And LH, the comment about WW motivation was spot on. Stbxw managed to find, meet with and retain an attorney within a week of D's 18th birthday. I have no interest in remaining married to her. She wants an uncontested divorce, as do I. But that requires all parties to act in good faith. I think 2 problems we may have is her attorney is incompetent, and stbxw is a liar, and probably not telling her attorney all the facts. Last year I was complaining about not having enough money to pay the property taxes, and she had 55k in her checking account. She has more now and I guess that I will find out how much in discovery. I will also get to see her credit card statements which I think will be interesting because she was away over NYE, left without saying good byes to Ds, never contacted them and never even told them when she was coming back. So the CC statments might reveal where she actually was, because she just lies about everything.
And D21 still does not know we are getting divorce(She's in college). Stbxw gave the daddy and mommy are having trouble sppech to Ds on 12/8, and said nobody is getting divorced soon and retained a lawyer about 45 days later.
I am still amazed how i went in four months from having complete faith and trust in stbxw for the last 27 years to have someone I dont trust at all. 27 years is more than half of her life, and I had no clue to her complete lack of character. I wonder who is the real her?
