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Ugh. Salty, here is a nice tale...

AFTER BD
X bought me goats for my birthday.
X wanted my input on plans for the new barn. I helped.
X came over with fruit trees and asked where I wanted them planted. I told him.
X sent me flowers for bday, valentine's day and anniversary.
X constantly talked about what "we" were going to do with this calf, or that cow etc. etc.

I don't know if it was 'future faking', his break in reality, or what, but it drove me nucking futs!!

I had to get to the point where I said "There is no WE in divorce" but it took me 2 1/2 years. (Really.) And I never had the guts to say it to his face. I just sat there listening and hmmm...cool...wow...but inside, reminded myself that he wasn't planning a future with me. His actions said that. His words meant nothing.

Don't be like me. Good job on ignoring that email.

Just live your life and you will do great! I can be jealous of your intestinal fortitude from over here. LOL

Also - don't minimize your feelings. It's can be confusing and crazy-making if you allow it. Great that you know it "doesn't mean anything" - it means something, but the only one who knows what it means is your W - and she might not even know!!

*"I once had an uncle. We called him Uncle Bear. We called him that because sometimes he would eat one of us."
-My fave Jack Handy


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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Originally Posted by 97Hope
Ugh. Salty, here is a nice tale...

AFTER BD
X bought me goats for my birthday.
X wanted my input on plans for the new barn. I helped.
X came over with fruit trees and asked where I wanted them planted. I told him.
X sent me flowers for bday, valentine's day and anniversary.
X constantly talked about what "we" were going to do with this calf, or that cow etc. etc.

I don't know if it was 'future faking', his break in reality, or what, but it drove me nucking futs!!
That reminds me of Xmas - she kept saying things like "boy I spoiled you" and "what did you do to deserve all this" and all I kept thinking was "your own guilt."
Quote
Also - don't minimize your feelings. It's can be confusing and crazy-making if you allow it. Great that you know it "doesn't mean anything" - it means something, but the only one who knows what it means is your W - and she might not even know!!
That's been a struggle because I'm still learning how to deal with my feelings in a healthy way and not dwell on them vs. minimizing them by stuffing them away and fooling myself that I've dealt with them. The latter ones come back and bite me on the ass as a reminder. At this point I have a very cynical outlook on everything she says and does. We had an Amazon package delivered the other day and one of the things in it was the book "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love" which is supposed to "offer a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections with the people they love." In the past I would see that as a sign she's trying to work on us, now I assume it's to help her on her dating quest and I move on.

Last edited by SaltyDog; 01/21/21 09:37 PM.
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Originally Posted by SaltyDog

Quote
Also - don't minimize your feelings. It's can be confusing and crazy-making if you allow it. Great that you know it "doesn't mean anything" - it means something, but the only one who knows what it means is your W - and she might not even know!!
That's been a struggle because I'm still learning how to deal with my feelings in a healthy way and not dwell on them vs. minimizing them by stuffing them away and fooling myself that I've dealt with them. The latter ones come back and bite me on the ass as a reminder. At this point I have a very cynical outlook on everything she says and does. We had an Amazon package delivered the other day and one of the things in it was the book "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love" which is supposed to "offer a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections with the people they love." In the past I would see that as a sign she's trying to work on us, now I assume it's to help her on her dating quest and I move on.


This is another way in which IC can be really helpful.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by SaltyDog

Quote
Also - don't minimize your feelings. It's can be confusing and crazy-making if you allow it. Great that you know it "doesn't mean anything" - it means something, but the only one who knows what it means is your W - and she might not even know!!
That's been a struggle because I'm still learning how to deal with my feelings in a healthy way and not dwell on them vs. minimizing them by stuffing them away and fooling myself that I've dealt with them. The latter ones come back and bite me on the ass as a reminder. At this point I have a very cynical outlook on everything she says and does. We had an Amazon package delivered the other day and one of the things in it was the book "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love" which is supposed to "offer a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections with the people they love." In the past I would see that as a sign she's trying to work on us, now I assume it's to help her on her dating quest and I move on.


This is another way in which IC can be really helpful.
Yeah, mine has been a lifesaver. We meet weekly on Friday afternoon and it is super helpful - come out feeling empowered (most times, not always lol) and ready to take on the world. I start losing that momentum around Wednesday. But they've been very good at providing tools to help deal with the situation. I can't imagine someone going through this without some sort of professional help.

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I'm so glad you have a great IC. They are worth their weight in gold!!

I love it when you get tools rather than them just listening - personally, I leave those sessions with an emotional hangover.


Last edited by 97Hope; 01/21/21 10:26 PM.

ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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Question on IC. How do you guys pay for it?
If I would see mine once a week now (actually got some help from work last year which is very uncommon here) I wouldn’t be able to afford food, and I make way more than average.
He’s like 400 usd per hour.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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Holy cow! It's $150 here (ave.) Do you have insurance?

I liked divorce care (it's faith-based) also ask around.

I can take extra jobs if I need to and I need IC. Sorry, man. That's a LOT.


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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Originally Posted by Mumin
Question on IC. How do you guys pay for it?
If I would see mine once a week now (actually got some help from work last year which is very uncommon here) I wouldn’t be able to afford food, and I make way more than average.
He’s like 400 usd per hour.

Insurance. Mine is a $10 co-pay but I'm guessing my deductible just reset with the new year.

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$400 an hour? Good lord! That’s insane.

Health insurance will cover that here . And without coverage, maybe $150 a session


New Thread:

Another LBH (kinda) pt. 4

Last edited by job; 01/22/21 02:41 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
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