Partner says loves me as brother and moves out

[1stLove]

So we talked / sorry. But it is a sitch where me ignoring might hurt more than help as she wants to plan her move out the next week.

Update is that she signed the apartment we talked about and wants to move there next week.
Now comes the interesting part and where I need some good input.

She said we should talk about how we split up things (we bought everything 50/50). Things and furniture.
This led to a bit of a discussion on the phone (which I tried to avoid but was not super good at). I should have said that we can talk about that in person, but we talked about it anyway and I kind of communicated that I happily pay her out of the furniture, even more than 50% if needed. But that I don't just want to be left with an empty apartment - after all she decided to leave (maybe should have left that out). She mentioned that legally the less well-off person normally gets things and stays in the apartment. To which I just said that I definitely don't want her to be feel badly treated in this situation and be safe, but also that she got a cheaper apartment already so that is a plus for her compared to staying.

Anyhow, it was a semi-confrontational conversation but I tried and succeeded to keep most of my cool and validate her feelings about the new not so nice apartment and this situation.

Now comes my question: How to do this in a fair and amicable way that does not upset her even more? I don't want to have a big argument on Tue that splits and disconnects us even more.

I think it is a bit unfair that she feels entitled to the furniture when she is the one breaking up, leaving me behind and needing to start from scratch. But I also understand that she paid 50% of it and I am happy to pay her out and give her slightly more money or some furniture items - I don't want to be a douche and be supportive.

I think I am a bit afraid of being left behind in an empty apartment without a girlfriend - it sounds rather lonely

[LH19]

The last sentence is what is going to hurt you in the process.

[Mumin]

Some questions.
Do you not have money to buy new furniture?
Would you expect to get nothing if you felt you were in the wrong relationship and decided to leave?

I understand this is rough but at this point it is business. If you want to leave things fair then make it fair.
MY suggestion, find the things that you REALLY want to keep and then decide a time where you go through all your things of value and decide who gets what.
IMPORTANT! Agree on a way of valuing things before you do it.
Typically value is higher than second-hand-market-value.
Until that time also do as much reading as you can and we will help you along the way to prepare.

[1stLove]

Some questions.
Do you not have money to buy new furniture?
Would you expect to get nothing if you felt you were in the wrong relationship and decided to leave?

I understand this is rough but at this point it is business. If you want to leave things fair then make it fair.
MY suggestion, find the things that you REALLY want to keep and then decide a time where you go through all your things of value and decide who gets what.
IMPORTANT! Agree on a way of valuing things before you do it.
Typically value is higher than second-hand-market-value.
Until that time also do as much reading as you can and we will help you along the way to prepare.

I do have money to buy new furniture. No I would not expect to get nothing, I would expect to be paid what I paid and then get myself new furniture that fits my new apartment better.

Yes, we decided to meet on Tue evening to have dinner, discuss this in person and then decide. I definitely want to seem fair and would also pay her slightly more than market price (so her 50% + X).

I would even say her not taking the furniture would make her move easier and I would pay her 100% of everything so she can instead of taking 3 items actually buy herself 6. All our furniture is second-hand anyhow and not worth much, we are not talking designer items here.... But paying her so much seems a bit a nice guy thing, no?

Do you have any reading suggestions?

[LH19]

Do what’s fair. No more no less.

[Mumin]

If there are some things she really likes and she paid 50% its fair that she gets/buys some of them.
See it as a business transaction.
That transaction could of course bee that you keep everything and pay her. Depends on the items and whether she likes them or not. Second hand may be cheap but some things can also be one of a kind.
As said, do what is fair.

To be clear, we are not defending her here. Just giving advice on what we have learned on this forum and in our own situations.

[1stLove]

Ok, thanks for the advice. I feel stupid about asking so basic questions, but anyhow - new territory for me.

I gave her two options that we can discuss on Tue:
1. She takes the guest bed and I pay her the full price of the remaining furniture. That way she can get furniture together that fits the new apartment and make it her own and we skip the moving pain of most things.
2. We make a list of things we want to keep and then discuss. Basically what Mumin said agree on how we value them and try to reach something that is fair.

I feel more detached from this again, but NC will be close to impossible the coming 7 days due to her coming here, talking and moving out. But then it is at least done and I can start focusing on myself

[Mumin]

Don’t feel stupid. NGS btw.
Do as much NC as you can now and after she moves out Back to ZERO communication.

It is likely she pics a third option, just to prepare you.
Also, Why would you pay full price?

[Traveler]

1. She takes the guest bed and I pay her the full price of the remaining furniture.

Huh--you paid 50% of everything, and now you're offering to gift her your 50% of the guest bed, plus pay her 100% of all the other items? I must not be understanding--that wouldn't be fair.

Options 2 is obviously fair and what most people do. You just need to agree to a single valuation system.

[sandi2]

Ok, thanks for the advice. I feel stupid about asking so basic questions, but anyhow - new territory for me.

Never feel stupid for asking us questions, b/c that cuts down confusion and keeps you on target.

IMHO, a lot of newcomers not only have to change their actions, but they have to change their way of thinking. What I mean is to adapt a better mindset about yourself and how you approach life. I think it's a real challenge for those who have NGS, b/c it basically comes from how they feel or view things. Respect seems to be put on the back shelf, b/c they had rather be "liked" by others. They have trouble enforcing tough love b/c of their "need" to do soft actions to cause the other person to like them. Whenever it comes to MR, or any other relationship in life, "respect" must be the bottom line or people see you as a pushover. A nice guy........but a pushover. You may have very likeable ways, but when it comes to being a man and the husband of a wife, you have to show self respect or she'll take you down! She'll try to walk all over you, and if you don't stop it, it will kill your MR. The W cannot feel desire for her H if she doesn't respect him as a man. That is the link!!!

I've noticed that most of the newcomers who have NGS, seem to think that the way to solve the problems comes by discussions with their spouse. I get it, b/c that was always my way of dealing with issues. Here's the thing, however, by this time, you come to the board ........most discussions will fail to solve the issues the MR face. So, what do you do? You let your actions speak.

I gave her two options that we can discuss on Tue:
1. She takes the guest bed and I pay her the full price of the remaining furniture. That way she can get furniture together that fits the new apartment and make it her own and we skip the moving pain of most things.

This is an example of a nice-guy in action, IMHO. You may see it as being fair, but I assure you it is giving her the best of both sides of the street. She just wants to be buddies with you, but no sex. So, you offer her the guest bedroom and you'll pay for the furniture. How long do you think it will take her to find the apartment to her liking? Why should she be any rush when she has a good setup at your place? Perhaps you are thinking she'll change her mind while in the guest bedroom......but it won't affect her lack of sexual desire for you. She wants you as her BFF, not lover. So you offer her your guest bedroom? Hello Mr. Nice Guy!

2. We make a list of things we want to keep and then discuss.

I fail to see the option of the #1 and #2. Shouldn't the option be in where she'll be staying?