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Well its easy for a buddy to say because hes not emotionally attached and his life hasnt been flipped upside down.

Im a believer we were put in these situations to grow. We got stagnant and complacent and the universe said if you are not going to grow I will force you to grow.

Ive said from my first post to you I got the sense that if you took your balls back from your Ws purse you had a chance. This is coming from someone who thinks 90% of the LBS have zero chance at stopping D.

One thing I have noticed is I think the disrespect is at an all time high these days. Most of the WWs are in open affairs and on dating websites. They dont even try to hide it anymore.

Time to put your big boy pants on stop the madness.

I would be happy to help you develop a plan.


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Originally Posted by SaltyDog
It's sad to look back - and not even on just me but most of the LBSs on here - and see how much sh!t we put up with and yet still WANT to get the other person back. What a lack of self-respect and boundaries. If I was talking to a buddy, I'd be saying "why are you putting up with that? Get the hell out of there!" If I was watching this in a movie I'd be thinking the main character is an idiot for staying with her and deserves what he gets. And yet, here I am, knowingly being an idiot. Knowingly putting myself in harm's way and yet blaming her when I get hurt. How stupid is that? I'm the one making the wrong decisions, I'm the one who isn't strong enough to just leave, and I'm the one who is putting a target on my back saying "hurt me, please!" That needs to change.


I love this!! The veil is slipping - you are beginning to see this for what it is. Don't go backwards! Keep asking yourself - what would I tell my friend?? What would I tell my son if this was his W?? Listen to advice from people who love you and don't want you to be treated like garbage. And most of all....

Be your own friend.

No, you don't deserve this...but you are accepting it. You have a choice to make right now. Choose how you will be treated. As they say here 100 times a day - you can only control yourself.

Think of other things in your life that required courage and remember who you are.

I had a picture of Sly Stalone in Rambo (when he put the red bandana on right before going to fight). I'm kind of weird but it worked for me and I've used that pic a LOT! lol Music? Quotes of strength. - Whatever you need to do to find strength and courage to move forward and stop going back to the abuse. Keep coming here and reading! Post often! You aren't alone!

(I read and re-read The Art of War) good stuff and not triggering. It gave me a break from 'self-help'.

Hang in there, Salty! Time to say no more to the (censored)!!

((hugs))


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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Listen to on YouTube Rockys speech to son


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Originally Posted by 97Hope
(I read and re-read The Art of War) good stuff and not triggering. It gave me a break from 'self-help'.

Wow--Rambo and The Art of War--so that's where the strength underlying your compassionate responses comes from! I read "Gates of Fire" (about the Spartan 300) is another good read to find inner strength.



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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by 97Hope
(I read and re-read The Art of War) good stuff and not triggering. It gave me a break from 'self-help'.

Wow--Rambo and The Art of War--so that's where the strength underlying your compassionate responses comes from! I read "Gates of Fire" (about the Spartan 300) is another good read to find inner strength.


Spartans what is your profession.

Ha-ooh Ha-ooh Ha-ooh!


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Originally Posted by LH19
Im a believer we were put in these situations to grow. We got stagnant and complacent and the universe said if you are not going to grow I will force you to grow.
It's funny because I hate the saying "everything happens for a reason" because I don't believe that at all. I believe sh!t happens and you either deal with it or you don't. But I do like the way you look at it here, with the universe forcing you to grow.
Originally Posted by LH19
Ive said from my first post to you I got the sense that if you took your balls back from your Ws purse you had a chance.
I don't disagree. And as I am growing, and starting to get some of that self-respect back, I also wonder about leaving them in the purse and growing a new pair. May be taking that metaphor too far...
Originally Posted by LH19
One thing I have noticed is I think the disrespect is at an all time high these days. Most of the WWs are in open affairs and on dating websites. They dont even try to hide it anymore.

Since I started dealing with this and finally being more open about it with others I am amazed at how many people I know are in the same boat, or know people in the same boat. It's like an epidemic. And that's not to say women don't deserve to be happy or that men are perfect, but the lack of respect or empathy is astounding. And how easily they can justify their actions without any remorse.
Originally Posted by LH19
Time to put your big boy pants on stop the madness.

I would be happy to help you develop a plan.

I'm listening. No guarantees, but I'm listening.

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Originally Posted by 97Hope
I love this!! The veil is slipping - you are beginning to see this for what it is. Don't go backwards! Keep asking yourself - what would I tell my friend?? What would I tell my son if this was his W?? Listen to advice from people who love you and don't want you to be treated like garbage. And most of all....

Be your own friend.

I like this a lot. I've mentioned it before but one big issue I've been working on with my counselor is both forgiving and loving myself. I'm good at forgiving others and terrible at forgiving myself or giving myself the benefit of the doubt. Once you start actively trying to notice your own negative self-talk, it can be eye-opening. I have a long way to go there.
Originally Posted by 97Hope
Think of other things in your life that required courage and remember who you are.

I had a picture of Sly Stalone in Rambo (when he put the red bandana on right before going to fight). I'm kind of weird but it worked for me and I've used that pic a LOT! lol Music? Quotes of strength. - Whatever you need to do to find strength and courage to move forward and stop going back to the abuse.
One thing that has helped just with my overall mindset is definitely changing my music. Turning off the sad-whoa is me-cry into your beer playlists and instead going with the get-pumped-up-and-kick-ass playlists. Or just going back to good jazz. Switching out those triggers and avoiding the victim mindset makes a big difference.

Originally Posted by 97Hope
(I read and re-read The Art of War) good stuff and not triggering. It gave me a break from 'self-help'.
I started Art of War but didn't stick with it, I'll give it another go. I switched to fiction for a break and am reading The River by Peter Heller which has been a good choice. I also read The Way of the Conscious Warrior and liked it but didn't love it. A little too much focus on historical stuff vs. practical advice for men today. But still worth reading. I'm also in the middle of The WIsdom of Insecurity by Alan Watts and absolutely loving it and I am going back and re-reading Unf*ck Yourself by Gary John Bishop which I also really like. I basically watch zero TV unless it is with the boys, the rest of the time I'm reading something. Something I've always loved to do but totally gave up over the course of my marriage. Says a lot.

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I just bought "Gates of Fire" - I needed to GAL today so I went to 1/2 price and got that and the movie 300. LOL Time to check in and channel my inner warrior.

RE: what you gave up in your marriage. Hmmm...I was thinking about this in the car. My BFF from high school called today and had a 2x4 for me, kinda. He said that when I was in high school and for the first 10 years of my marriage I was shania twain "any man of mine" and somewhere along the way I lost that and became a doormat.

He's not wrong. I was on a freaking allowance in my M. My X made piles and piles of money (seriously, it's obscene) and I had an allowance for groceries, gas and any incidentals I wanted. I NEVER had enough for fun stuff. If I wanted something I would have to save my 'allowance'. I would do anything X wanted - I thought I was being loving and supportive - and I was to a degree - but then I became an employee. A low paid employee at that!

I tell you that to say - keep exploring who you are outside of Salty the H. Who are you as Salty the Man? GAL is an excellent way to try new things. I know it doesn't feel like it but you have freedom now! I'm not joking - it's in my thread but when X moved out I embraced the freedom. I ate yogurt and watermelon for dinner. I ate chips in bed (once. that was gross didn't do it again). I watched my chick flicks without criticism. Man I did what I wanted, when I wanted! I bought a kayak and yelled "freeeeeeeeeeedom!!" a la Braveheart in the middle of a lake.

I hate the phrase "finding yourself" because too many WAS use it to justify blowing up their family - but explore who you are as an individual - make it fun! Feelings follow actions!

And yes, MUSIC! holy heck I have to be VERY careful what I put in my brain! We should have that on the welcome thread - maybe a playlist for newcomers? Power ballads? Don't go away mad...motley Crue? lol CeeLo Green?

You sound like you are starting to notice what you think and what you tell yourself. That is fantastic!

** ummmm - get them out of her purse. A strong, confident woman won't want them in there lol


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IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
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OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

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Originally Posted by 97Hope
I just bought "Gates of Fire" - I needed to GAL today so I went to 1/2 price and got that and the movie 300. LOL Time to check in and channel my inner warrior.

I'll have to check that book out. I wasn't as impressed as most were with 300 - seemed like pro-wrestling set in a period piece movie but I tend to like books better than movies anyway.

Quote
I tell you that to say - keep exploring who you are outside of Salty the H. Who are you as Salty the Man? GAL is an excellent way to try new things. I know it doesn't feel like it but you have freedom now! I'm not joking - it's in my thread but when X moved out I embraced the freedom. I ate yogurt and watermelon for dinner. I ate chips in bed (once. that was gross didn't do it again). I watched my chick flicks without criticism. Man I did what I wanted, when I wanted! I bought a kayak and yelled "freeeeeeeeeeedom!!" a la Braveheart in the middle of a lake.
Embracing that freedom is strange though, isn't it? Getting rid of years worth of always putting yourself 2nd is not an easy thing. One thing that I thought of yesterday while having a moment of anxiety and reading Unf*ck Yourself was the idea of winning and pointing yourself in the right direction to win what you consciously want vs. continuing to win at all the crap that's bringing you down. And I realized, no matter what happens, I win. Either we get our sh!t straightened out, decide to move forward and be happy together (win) or I get MY sh!t straightened out, I decide to move forward and get the freedom and opportunity to do whatever I want (win). And that was pretty empowering. And if I'm being honest, the second option with the freedom resonated more. I don't know if that is the grass is always greener optics as I have good friends with that freedom who in the past always said how much they envied me and having a family (lol) and how much being single [censored], etc. But I do think, either way I do win.

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Originally Posted by SaltyDog
And I realized, no matter what happens, I win. Either we get our sh!t straightened out, decide to move forward and be happy together (win) or I get MY sh!t straightened out, I decide to move forward and get the freedom and opportunity to do whatever I want (win). And that was pretty empowering. And if I'm being honest, the second option with the freedom resonated more. I don't know if that is the grass is always greener optics as I have good friends with that freedom who in the past always said how much they envied me and having a family (lol) and how much being single [censored], etc. But I do think, either way I do win.


I'm going to pick on you a little.....See what you did in that paragraph?

YOU decide to move forward and be happy. Period. No matter what.

YOU have freedom and opportunity NOW to do whatever you want.(and have had, despite having your **'s in her purse, that was your choice)

I think that's the point of many LBS struggles. We don't even realize that we had agency. But we did and do now.

Of course the freedom resonates more! We are all meant to be free. But we have to claim it.

- in any R - we can't be dependent on the other person. We can't wait for them to be 'ok' so that we can be ok. We control ourselves, and work on ourselves, and grow. We get strong.

You are free. You have always been. BD makes us think we aren't going to be ok without them, but the truth is we MUST be ok without them or we aren't suited to have a healthy R.

And we are so busy clinging to an R that is corrupt we don't see that being free isn't about a marriage license - it's all the work DB is about - on ourselves, so that if/when we choose to R with the WAS - we are ready. And if we choose not to - that's ok too. But we aren't clinging to an unhealthy R and feel we have no choice.

**I like 300 for entirely different reasons laugh


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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