Steve_Treading Water

[Mumin]

Steve IMHO you hav no reason to even be talking to her, let alone help her.
The firsts step towards her next episode was when everyone helped her move out.
You all saved her. So you’ll all save her again. That’s what you imprinted in her brain yet again.

[LH19]

If she crosses my boundaries I am going to the lawyer's office and filing the final paper for the D. Point blank and period. She will either learn from this or she wont thats that.

Steve do you really expect us to believe this?

She says she doesnt want to be in a relationship now but asks to rebuild ours slowly so she pretty much says "hang out with me and the kids, lets start over and take it slow, rebuilt the connection and go from there, dont expect to just pick up as if we are married and perfect.

So she the seven time cheater is calling the shots??? WTF??

She said she is afraid that I wont be able to let it go and if she does anything wrong ill explode on her and bring up OM and so on etc, she just needs time to see if we can do this before she agrees to move forward together" that is what she said.

This makes me want to punch myself in the face.

I do understand that she is concerned that I would be seriously pissed off and so on, anyone would.

WTF you should be pissed off!!!!!!!

But I am not holding on to anger, Im not holding on to anything here. I dont expect anything to really just magically get better. If we have not made any progress, if her actions don't match her words on our 10th anniversary coming up feb 19th im going to ask to push the divorce forward.

Just from what you just posted today her actions don't match her words.

I have not told her this but if she cannot start to work on the right path and show me something real in the next month and some change I got no reason to be married to her.

When is her first IC appointment?

RESPECT=LOVE
WHEN THERE IS NO RESPECT THERE CAN'T BE LOVE

[Traveler]

Steve,

Hey buddy. Let's look at some small ways you could improve your interactions--

WW wanted to have the "talk" about our future. She asked me if I want to get the divorce, she said something told her not to do it and right now she is not sure if we should get the divorce and start over or just stay M. I told her that it was not important to me either way.

If she wants to talk, listen and validate. It sounded more like she wanted to get you to talk, a mix of a temperature check plus a sales pitch, "Do you want to buy this red car OR that blue car?!"

Her: "Do you want to get the divorce?"
Option 1: "I'm just focused on moving this table right now."
Option 2: "You brought it up. What are your thoughts?"

Her: "Something told me not to do it and right now I'm not sure if we s should get the divorce and start over or just stay M"
You: You do sound uncertain about what's next.

She told me she doesnt want to divorce me but needs to be alone and not with anyone for awhile. She has asked me to spend time with her and the kids daily since she moved in

Umm.. these are opposites! I agree with leaving her ALONE for a spell to allow her to figure herself out, to allow you to figure out your terms for R, and for her to decide if she wants it enough to bother.

she is afraid that I wont be able to let it go and if she does anything wrong ill explode on her and bring up OM and so on etc, she just needs time to see if we can do this before she agrees to move forward together

It's bizarre she's setting the terms for R. You SHOULD NOT let go--for awhile--that she cheated on you 7 times. You SHOULD let go eventually, but anger can be useful in helping you find the strength you often struggle to find, strength that would feel good and probably increase her respect and attraction for you. You could harness it to set terms on R to protect yourself that take into account her past misdeeds. Letting her back too easily sets you up for the next time, and you and your kids have been on a roller coaster.

[Thornton]

She said she is afraid that I wont be able to let it go and if she does anything wrong ill explode on her and bring up OM and so on etc,

Straight out of the cluster B users guide. Steve, do you see how if she makes herself the victim, then she's not accountable?

Instead of her saying "Steve, I hate myself for all the selfish things I've done in our relationship. I don't deserve you and I'm going to therapy to figure out my issues", she is saying "Steve, I know I cheated again and I don't to be alone while I look for another guy. My only concern is that you will be angry with me while I look for your replacement."

[Ginger1]

I can’t believe you believe anything this psycho says, quite honestly.

[Steve_]

I dont believe anything she says lol. I only believe her actions. So far there has been two
1. stop the divorce
2. move to moms.

Words dont mean jack to me, she is full of em. In other news I went hiking solo yesterday at the lake was nice, and WW whined i didnt take her.. LOL she must be kidding.
Also had my orientation for psychotherapy from the actual VA today so looking forward to that, the dr warned it may be tough because they are hard on us with homework and so on. Im looking forward to it. I truly really dont believe anything my W says right now. I am starting to hear from friends and family for months I deserve better and Im starting to believe that. Ill get there. I am a LOT stronger than I was even 30 days ago.

[LH19]

When is her IC appointment?

[Mumin]

Yes Steve, when is the appointment?

[Steve_]

She has reached out to a LMFT that is looking to see if he can accept her insurance. Nothing yet, but I am friends with the therapist and he has his colleague on it. (conflict of interest reasons and so on) he wont see her personally but is working on getting acceptance from insurance.

[SteveLW]

Ahhh. The old insurance excuse. We've heard that 1000 times if we've heard it once.