[job]

You are handling everything just fine. When they have a death that hits close to home, sometimes, it wakes them up briefly or even permanently. I think he realizes that life is short and he could very well lose even more loved ones along the way.

Continue as you have been.

[kml]

You did fine. Now dial back the communication. He'll contact you if he wants to talk more about OW1 - which frankly isn't really appropriate for him to be confiding in your about, but that's how crazy alcoholic MLCers do. Be kind but don't give him more than you would give to a friend in that position. If he whines about it being his fault, you can let him know depression is a disease that can't always be treated.

[DnJ]

Hello Eagle

It’s understandable to have stirred up emotions over OW1’s death, and to be thinking about things. Events like these affect people - always. You have the benefit and blessing to realize this. What effect will you foster within you?

Boundaries are implemented to protect one’s self. They are rock solid when warranted; as in H when you do ____, I’ll leave the room. H’s current behaviour and communication does not warrant a communication black out. And you are well healed to not need it. Therefore as long as H doesn’t behave like an @ss, no need to treat him like one - regarding this issue.

Don’t jump ahead, continue as you have been. H may or may not waken how ever briefly or long that may be. Be patient and keep moving forward, time will reveal all things.

D

[Eagle3]

Thank you so much!
The support I get from all of you means the world to me.

Eagle

[OwnIt]

Eagle3,

I've just been reading up on your thread. I'm so sorry for what you have been going through. This must be very difficult to bear with the constant drama and concerns you must have regarding the alcohol abuse and concerns for your children. I know for me, many years out, with limited contact with mine, it is still very difficult sometimes to get through it. I hope the situation stabilizes soon.

[Elbereth]

Hello Eagle3,

I just read your story and thank you so much for sharing it. There are some parallels to my sitch, so it is very helpful to see your strength and resolve. I admire your actions and I hope I can follow your example as I travel along my journey with an MLC H. I too am, for the moment, standing. H also drinks too much and is running. It is sad that OW1 committed suicide. Does go to show that OP are usually just as confused or in MLC just like our H. I know my H’s OW must be in MLC, and if not, I know she has past traumas (my H almost married her in his youth and told me about her in depth prior). I pray that your H comes through and doesn’t turn to suicide as well. I have concerns my H is at risk of that as he did attempt it once before he met me in response to his GF having a PA... Go figure, he’s now the one having a EA/PA.

Anyway, I wanted to drop you a note and say I admire your strength during your journey so far. I can see you will be fine and will be ready to start the new phase of your life knowing you stood as long as you could. Bravo!

[Eagle3]

Dear DB friends,

Many thanks for the strength you all give me along the way.

Last days were more difficult. Strange but since I heard of OW's death, she did creep in again and sleeping was very hard.

I had my surgery on Thursday, all went well there.
MIL came to help out in the house during the weekend, as well as my fantastic sister. I adore her!!

When MIL arrived she had H on the phone, luckily she waited in the car, until the conversation was over. He called to say OW1 died. He apparently called his Father and Stepfather as well to inform them. That their break-up must have been the biggest reason why she did this, (would never dare telling this if that was me...) that he feels guilty etc. If you feel actual guilt, in my opinion you don't call around to people telling she died, you sit in a corner and are devastated, and don't dare talking to anybody about this.

In the same conversation he also told he was going for dinner the next day with a "colleague". The guilt seemed suddenly far away...

Next couple of days were hard again. All is fine if I don't hear from him, even through other people, but when I do I'm feeling sad again. I think I'm finally grieving for my broken marriage.

On Sunday he always calls with kids. Now he wanted to watch a football game together with them, PC in front of our television and through skype he can see the screen. I normally always leave the house now but since I have the surgery I did not.

Hearing his voice wasn't good for me. I was forced to leave the house for a walk as I simply started crying. Didn't want the children to see.

Today I have also sent the first e-mail in regards to the D. I sent him the house estimation report as well as a guideline of what needs to be agreed upon before we can actually proceed. I also asked him to come with a first proposition.

He answered very briefly that he received everything and if I wanted a reply via e-mail or through phone. I told him I preferred through e-mail since the children are at home a lot. (in real is because I will have a hard time hearing him)

He then replied that he assumed I didn't expect an answer today and I mentioned of course not, take your time, don't need all the details yet, only a general overview of how you sees things.

He did not reply anymore.

IOW's, I stayed friendly and detached. (but it is so hard)

Damn, I expected to be further already, but unfortunately this is not the case...

I hope the days to come will be better.

A nice day to all of you. Hopefully something nice comes on your path today.

[Gerda]

Eagle, thinking of you. You are carrying a huge wait on your shoulders. Please do not berate yourself for struggling. If you didn't struggle, your heart would be made of stone. Your struggle is indicative of your open loving self that has been smacked and whacked and pummeled in the heart. And on top of that you have health issues to deal with.

You are right to avoid hearing his voice. That's what going dark means! It's to protect you! When my D talks on the phone to H, I put on headphones and blast my favorites on spotify. You've figured out that you do better when you don't have to hear or see him. Do more of not hearing and seeing him. Tell yourself, "Eagle, I am going to protect you from that, we are going dark on that!" You need to heal so you can get stronger. And guess what -- when you are strong, it doesn't just help you deal with this struggle and the battles, etc. It will open you up to more joys in the life you have without him. I'm not saying restoration is impossible but either way you want to get Eagle back, get strong and have a soul free to experience joy in life again.

XO

[Elbereth]

Eagle, thinking of you. You are carrying a huge wait on your shoulders. Please do not berate yourself for struggling. If you didn't struggle, your heart would be made of stone. Your struggle is indicative of your open loving self that has been smacked and whacked and pummeled in the heart. And on top of that you have health issues to deal with.

You are right to avoid hearing his voice. That's what going dark means! It's to protect you! When my D talks on the phone to H, I put on headphones and blast my favorites on spotify. You've figured out that you do better when you don't have to hear or see him. Do more of not hearing and seeing him. Tell yourself, "Eagle, I am going to protect you from that, we are going dark on that!" You need to heal so you can get stronger. And guess what -- when you are strong, it doesn't just help you deal with this struggle and the battles, etc. It will open you up to more joys in the life you have without him. I'm not saying restoration is impossible but either way you want to get Eagle back, get strong and have a soul free to experience joy in life again.

Gerda is so right. ^^

((((Eagle3))))

[Eagle3]

You are right to avoid hearing his voice. That's what going dark means! It's to protect you! When my D talks on the phone to H, I put on headphones and blast my favorites on spotify. You've figured out that you do better when you don't have to hear or see him. Do more of not hearing and seeing him. Tell yourself, "Eagle, I am going to protect you from that, we are going dark on that!" You need to heal so you can get stronger. And guess what -- when you are strong, it doesn't just help you deal with this struggle and the battles, etc. It will open you up to more joys in the life you have without him. I'm not saying restoration is impossible but either way you want to get Eagle back, get strong and have a soul free to experience joy in life again.

Hi Gerda,
Thanks you for these words. You are absolutely right in what you write.

Since my journey started, 2 years ago, we as LBS start looking madly for an explanation that can explain why our H/W can become the opposite of who they used to be. I have read an awful lot, but many of the things I read I did not understand, let alone that I could place them or apply them effectively.
The longer your ride takes, the more everything becomes clear.

I also had this with the principle 'going dark'. I did not understand what this meant. Only now do I really understand that this is to protect yourself, and I can say with certainty now that this was really necessary for me, and will certainly be necessary in the near future, if only for the divorce in a businesslike way to be able to approach. I am a way too emotional person, I don't think I will succeed otherwise.

As you have read in my story, my H was a real clinging boomerang the past 2 years. However, it has been since my visit to the other country during the holidays that I had the impression that he really wanted a divorce this time, or maybe it was just me that was now ready to go forward with it.

He no longer calls me, but now mainly calls his mother. The weird thing is that he can't understand at all why I don't want to hear him anymore, why I don't want contact now. He also mentioned this to my sister a few weeks ago. I was convinced that he was now going to become more of a vanisher, but I have my doubts again. In any case, he sticks to what I asked from him and no longer calls me.

For now,I have not yet received a reply to the email I sent him. However, I do know that he would like to buy-in the house where I live with the children (I cannot buy it because it is too expensive). He wants me to stay here with them. I've been thinking about this but this is not something I want.
In this way he keeps full control of me and the children and if he suddenly returns I run the risk of having to leave the house in a rush. That's why I've already decided for myself that I want a fresh start, not one where he can exert any control over me.
After all, he wanted all this, this was not my choice, but I will protect myself from what comes. I do have control over that.

What do you think about this?