Leaving it behind.

[97Hope]

My how the turning tables have turned....

Today was so much better than the past couple!! Turned a corner last night/this morning. Letting go feels good.

Have been letting the pain hit me, not fighting it, and then turning thoughts over to the truth.

What do I miss? Why am I upset that X is with OW? Is there anything in me that wants 'him' back??

I miss the 'security' (idea only IRL) of marriage.
I'm upset because she is marrying a very wealthy, established man that I supported for 20 odd years.
I do not want him back.

I had the best years with him in the beginning but that person is gone now.
I don't miss the chaos he brings into his own life and visits on those who are close to him.
I like the freedom to live how I want to live (he was very controlling and judgmental)
I like knowing that I don't have to compete with any other woman for his attention.

When I started thinking about it - there wasn't much left at the end that I loved about our life together. It was chaos, there was always an OW or the threat of OW. I did not feel safe in the MR, I frequently felt like he consistently had one foot out of the door.

Glad for the reprieve I've experienced today. That wave hurt. I am ready for the next wave and will remind myself that it will pass and I am well.

[97Hope]

In other news....my gf's husband has a 'friend' - used to work together - and he has been asking about me.

Asked about me (saw me at the friends house party) about a year ago and was asking but at the time I was going through divorce and they told him I was not interested. He asked again recently, and gf would like to set up a meeting (all of us) if I'm interested.


Told her I would consider it, as I've just not felt ready to 'date'. But he is a good man (according to my friend and her H).
He is attractive (to me) and it would be nice to go on a no-pressure date.

I was smiling thinking and talking about it, but then I log on and read about attachments too soon and codependency etc.
So I told friend, give me a couple of more months. If he's still interested, and I'm ready - great. If he's moved on - ok, too.

It certainly is nice to have a good man interested in me.

To date only very very young men and very very old men have shown interest. And a couple age-appropriate dirtbags LOL

[Traveler]

97Hope, impressive--many of us have trouble turning down easy attention, let alone someone eligible and attractive, presumably looking for similar things. Well-handled telling them to call back in a couple of months. I suspect, based on how well you're processing, you will feel and be ready to date by then.

[Joe2017]

Someone here posted this for me a long time ago and it helped me a lot. I wish I could remember who it was. I think it might have been surfer or AS? Maybe it will help you too.

The Guest House
by Jalaluddin Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

[may22]

That's terrific, Hope!! So glad you are where you are right now. I definitely think that letting yourself feel the pain and anger is important in the process. No matter what, even though you're better off now, it is still a sad thing and you deserve to let yourself feel those feelings.

what you've written here is great, the truth that you're able to see and accept. What you miss, what you don't miss, what isn't even an option anymore, what feels unfair or wrong and it is more the injustice that is stinging you than really any loss. Where there is still fear. My only advice is to really spend some time thinking about these things and writing them down. Maybe copy them to your phone. Think of a mantra that refers back to them.

In my experience at least, sometimes this feeling can be slippery-- something will happen to knock you back down and having this all very clearly laid out helps to let go a little more quickly the next time. If there are other cues you can associate with how you feel right now-- like where you are in your house, music, food, smells-- anything that you can bring into this space and feeling that you have can help guide you back if it becomes necessary. Think of it like a set of curated, positive triggers.

In the hardest parts to date of my sitch, I had all kinds of little rituals I'd do to center myself. Strength and Patience was a mantra for me and every time I looked at the salt and pepper shakers in my kitchen I'd think, strength and patience. I wrote S&P on my hand where I could look at it during the day when I started to feel anxious. I did deep breathing exercises. I know you're probably way past the need for all of that, but anything you can do to take care of yourself when you're feeling the grief and anxiety is good.

You're doing great!! xx M

[97Hope]

Warrior,

Thank you. I think you may be right about being ready. I hope you are!

May,

Excellent advice. When I started running, I used an app that had a running coach and she said to get a mantra when we wanted to quit. Mine is "Hope, you are strong. Be strong."

I used it to get me though the academy, but I haven't used it for this. Excellent idea!!

I got knocked down last week with the revelation that X has had an OW. I know myself well enough to know that I haven't processed it all (we were together for 23 years) but you are right - we don't know when the next wave will hit. Having a plan will definitely help!! This is such great advice.

I love how everyone here shares. It has made all the difference for me.

Thank you both so much for your time and help xx

[97Hope]

Joe,

I wrote this sometime last year in my journal! I think it's incredible that you shared that with me. It means a lot. It's like you understand. : )



From my journal - Summer 2019

I have always excelled at throwing parties. I am an excellent hostess. So when it came time to throw my own grief-party, I went all out.

As I grieved, I let myself feel every emotion as it came. I didn’t tell myself not to feel anything, I just accepted it and named it out loud. Going back to my party analogy - All of my feeling showed up. I think I might have met emotions that I had never met before! “Welcome to my party, insecure. Have a seat, but don’t get comfortable. I will only visit with you for a time.”

“Oh boy, here comes guilt and shame, I didn’t realize they were a couple! Welcome, welcome, but you, too, may not move in, this is just an event we are all going to go through together for a bit.”
Fear came slamming in like an obnoxious guest that no one really invited, but they always show up anyway. They speak and act as if they know everything. The longer this type of guest stays and the more they spew, the easier it is to see them for what they are. Just plain full of it.

Dealing with fear isn’t easy. It’s not just that fear is a liar, but fear can be the absolute loudest voice in the room, with the closest semblance to truth there is without actually being truth. Fear can be difficult to deal with alone, so you’ve got to grab help and hold on, because the only remedy for fear is Truth. I called out to Truth, and at times it felt like they would not attend, but I refused to give up or give in and the moment Truth did show up - it was like an old friend, full of wisdom and knowledge and dignity and grace taking the lead and telling you,“breathe, sweet sister, I’ve got this”. When you hear truth, you have to listen carefully, fear being fear, he doesn’t leave easily. And you can’t evict him at first with muscle. You have to get to a point to be able to discern the difference.

So I listened carefully to Truth. I soaked up everything she said and I let it flow over me even though I could still hear Fear bloviating in the background. The more Truth I heard, fear became more and more apparently a liar. When Truth was a whisper, I called trusted friends to help me hear her more clearly. The amount of time my friends have spent praying over me is still almost unbelievable to me. Seek friends who will pray with you, for you and over you. Not only in the bad times, but the good times, too. Be a friend to pray for and over someone else. The body of Christ is powerful, but only if you are plugged in.

As these guests came and went and sometimes came back again, they became easier to manage. Much like a houseguest. The first visit can be a little awkward, honestly sometimes just brutal because you have no idea of what to expect, but once you understand them, they are manageable. And those who are just animals, well, you simply kick them to the curb before you let them cross the threshold again. You recognize them for what they are before they take a seat at the table. You realize that having dealt with them before, you know how to manage them. And sometimes, in management, you simply let them know how far, if at all, you are willing to accommodate them.

As a woman of faith, I believe that God, my Father in heaven, loves me more than I can imagine. I KNOW this. However; knowing this and reconciling it with all the pain I was trying to deal with was difficult. I realized that God is allowing these ‘guests’ in my home, but He hasn’t left me alone to deal with them and it is my choice in how to respond to them. I made a choice not to ignore them any longer. I chose healing. So I invited them in and learned from them. I became acquainted with my feelings in an effort to understand them and know them. They are not me. They are not my identity. They are my feelings. They have a place in my life, but they are not the sum total of my life.

I pray that the loudest voice in my head is always Truth. I pray that I continue to be blessed with friends that pour it over me when fear shows back up. I pray this for you right now. It is the prayer that is always answered with an unequivocal “yes”.

[97Hope]

So weird.

Had to contact X yesterday afternoon. Sent him the information so he could remove me from the accounts. He sent back 2 paragraphs about how he thought he had etc. etc.

After I did not respond he sent a text "I do not like your hat".

Its from a Dr. Suess book we used to read to the boys when they were little. An old inside joke between the two of us.

I don't know what came over me, but I responded "Baby, I love you, but I don't like your hat either."

I think it would take too long to explain, but I knew he knew what I meant. He replied with 4-5 texts laughing alone in a pasture in a tractor - thank you for a big laugh - he needed it. I responded something banal and went about my business.

A few minutes later he texts that "But, is often the case, it has transitioned to tears... alone.... on a tractor... you get the picture. "

I said happy tears I hope! he said I wish. I said "chin up young person" (movie reference we both used in the past) and sent "hugs".



Chatted a little bit after that - he flirted a little, but I avoided that.

He then sends a picture of a meal he is making and asks me if I want some.

I told him no thank you. I had already eaten.

Went for a short run - 1.5 miles. It was glorious. My phone was blowing up a little. Realized I was sending all kinds of random texts to people. just gibberish. Lost my case that I wear on my arm so had put it in my pocket.


One of those went to X - I explained that my phone was in my pocket and then S19 called.

S19 asked why I was out of breath - told him I had just finished a run, he asked me about cable and then X texted - did you have a good run?

Get a photo of the soup he made in a bag marked with "TGB" his nickname for me going back ages.



Long story longer - I think it might have been not a good idea to engage at all with him via text. I have been turning it over in my mind. What did I hope to gain by texting him back after initial info was sent?

1. It feels empowering when he pursues me.
2. It makes me feel (something- IDK yet still working it out) - that even though he has an OW - he still wants my attention, respect and admiration.
3. I like the banter. We have a history and it's feels good to be reminded of the good times.
4. I want to get to a place of peace and acceptance where he is who he is - and I don't judge it or punish him for it, I just continue on my journey.



If anyone has any opinion on this - swing away.

#1-4 - I'm not proud of some of these feelings, I'm being honest with you guys. I did evil grin when he flirted thinking "see that OW - you think you've won something, but it will always be me"

again - expressing my true emotions. Please go to town with the 2x4's but know it's not a brag.

[LH19]

I don't know what came over me, but I responded "Baby, I love you, but I don't like your hat either."

So this is interesting. Does he get your unconditional love?

Long story longer - I think it might have been not a good idea to engage at all with him via text. I have been turning it over in my mind. What did I hope to gain by texting him back after initial info was sent?

That's the million dollar question. If you are not at number 4 above then you must have a motive.

#1-4 - I'm not proud of some of these feelings, I'm being honest with you guys. I did evil grin when he flirted thinking "see that OW - you think you've won something, but it will always be me"

I think it's more like "see that OW - you think you've won something, but you got what you deserved"

I think the bottom line is if this isn't going to set you back or spiral it's a sign of true detachment.

[97Hope]

So this is interesting. Does he get your unconditional love?

Yes. He does. Now, he's not allowed in my inner circle, but I love him from this safe life I have created.

I think it's more like "see that OW - you think you've won something, but you got what you deserved"

Well...you aren't wrong! lol I couldn't figure out how to put that in words. This is probably going to take me more time to see her as an actual human and not gum on the bottom of my shoe. I don't have emotion around her directly as I see her more as a symptom of his out of control life and an attempt by him to fill the void.

November 21 I slept with him. I wasn't positive he had an OW - had suspicions.
That was the last time as I knew he did. Found out last week it had started a long time ago.
Surprisingly -

I think the bottom line is if this isn't going to set you back or spiral it's a sign of true detachment.

It actually made me think - ok. Going forward, I can see him at events for the family and I'm ok. I know he has OW now and that has nothing to do with me and I don't feel envy. I feel pity sometimes but mostly don't feel anything. It's like I notice it and move on.