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A Message from Michele
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Re: XH Brother/ BIL wants to Talk [Re: CanBird] #2912517
01/12/21 11:32 PM
01/12/21 11:32 PM
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CanBird Offline OP
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97Hope: Thank you! Kicking it and taking names..lol… I have the word SUCCESS written on my fridge to keep me motivated. And D4 is a HUGE reason why I keep going.

DnJ: Thank you. Yes D4’s uncle was spot on to list all the other kids that have divorced parents, including himself (and those divorced parents both remarried). D4 continues to share how she’s struggling with the newness of divorce, and the confusion of why daddy hasn’t visited. She’s very articulate in expressing herself, is now understanding it’s okay to feel what you feel, BUT we NEVER get physical or throw things. Tell me when you feel your “volcano” erupting and walk away if you need to. And I do the same. *This is a whole other issue I’m dealing with, one day at a time.*

kml: Thank you for the (((( hug)))). Yes, she REALLY is a smart cookie. I think she’s slowly putting the picture of XH together and is definitely forming an opinion about it.

-Why doesn’t daddy want to visit his little girl? That’s a good question.

*My go to answer is…. Daddy is travelling. He’s gone somewhere, and we’re not really sure where.*


~Never Give Up~
2019
BD Mar
Apr-Nov(H away/ wrk)
BD June
Nov H home
Dec Aow/xgf
2020 Jan H wants D
H flys to ow
March D signed..NOT filed!?
2gther 4 Covid
April 22 H back to work
Oct 22/20 D FINAL
Not Peep from BIL. Disappointed, but door is open [Re: CanBird] #2912519
01/13/21 12:14 AM
01/13/21 12:14 AM
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Should of set my expectations at zero. But whatever. At least the door for conversation is open.

I was busy helping a friend this morning and let BIL know that I'd text later when free. I don't have D4 today, so it would be the perfect time to speak about XH. I text BIL when I was finished up, and haven't heard a peep. Oh well. The man does have a life...lol...Let's hope all is well. As I said, the door is open and he can reach out if he wants to.

VENT....BIG pet peeve of mine is when people don't reply back.. In this day and age, with a certain generation that is so plugged in,.... Or you get the lame excuse,...Oh...I didn't see it.... end of vent....

I've been thinking more and more of how to go about contacting XH... when all my ducks are in a row, and I want to proceed with my plan... (of buying him out), My normal/go to way of contacting him has always been email, then whats App, then regular text. And he NEVER reply in the same day. The norm is 5-7 days, if he replies at all.

How do you deal? It drives me crazy, and maybe he knows this. Perhaps the subject matter of "the house", will entice him to communicate more frequently. Any suggestions? He doesn't respond to emails. At the least he'll take action on the request, but I have to check/follow up other sources to figure things out. A nice email reply would be so easy. But MLC's are not the best a communication are they. My XH is proving to be very selfish.

I think I'm done venting... welll, maybe just a little more... I'm totally convinced XH is in some sort of trouble. Here I go again, wondering where or what he's up to. Guess with D4 asking me, and BIL (and everyone in the family wondering), it's hard to separate ones self from the MLC. Who knows, maybe XH contacted his brother today, and that's the reason I haven't heard from BIL today..lol..

Okay... back to doing other things ....

Take care friends.


~Never Give Up~
2019
BD Mar
Apr-Nov(H away/ wrk)
BD June
Nov H home
Dec Aow/xgf
2020 Jan H wants D
H flys to ow
March D signed..NOT filed!?
2gther 4 Covid
April 22 H back to work
Oct 22/20 D FINAL
Re: Not Peep from BIL. Disappointed, but door is open [Re: CanBird] #2912522
01/13/21 12:45 AM
01/13/21 12:45 AM
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I don't know why you would assume your ex is in some kind of trouble rather than just being MLC selfish.

Re: Not Peep from BIL. Disappointed, but door is open [Re: CanBird] #2912525
01/13/21 01:39 AM
01/13/21 01:39 AM
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Hello Can

Originally Posted by CanBird
D4 continues to share how she’s struggling with the newness of divorce, and the confusion of why daddy hasn’t visited. She’s very articulate in expressing herself, is now understanding it’s okay to feel what you feel, BUT we NEVER get physical or throw things. Tell me when you feel your “volcano” erupting and walk away if you need to.

I would suggest a modification to the expressing of D4’s feelings.

“It’s okay to feel what you feel. And at times it’s ok to get physical, or even throw things smile , which we will do in a safe proper manner; never at other people. Because sometimes we do need to vent those feelings.”

Physical exertion releases our pent up frustrations and anger. A punching bag, yard work, and other “sweat it out” activities are good for us adults. D4 obviously requires supervision and I’m sure you can come up with appropriate activities. Running, jumping, throwing something heavy, etc.

Kids do calm rather quickly. This is just another tool we can employ when dealing with things beyond our/their control. Hitting and fighting were never allowed with my kids. Of course, those things did happen between them, and there were consequences. They are kids, not angels, after all. Lol. Most times just being alone for a while did the trick. And other times various tree stumps got beat up pretty good with a stick. smile

D

Last edited by DnJ; 01/13/21 01:39 AM.

Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Not Peep from BIL. Disappointed, but door is open [Re: kml] #2912532
01/13/21 08:53 AM
01/13/21 08:53 AM
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Originally Posted by kml
I don't know why you would assume your ex is in some kind of trouble rather than just being MLC selfish.


Oh he's selfish alright, 100%. I assume xh is in trouble because I don't know anything; don't know better. I'm listening to what his family says & they haven't heard from him in months either.

Thank you kml for pointing out the truth that I do know. Xh is selfish and in MLC. I care about his well being, but do have to remember he's choosing to "ghost" all of his family.


~Never Give Up~
2019
BD Mar
Apr-Nov(H away/ wrk)
BD June
Nov H home
Dec Aow/xgf
2020 Jan H wants D
H flys to ow
March D signed..NOT filed!?
2gther 4 Covid
April 22 H back to work
Oct 22/20 D FINAL
Re: Not Peep from BIL. Disappointed, but door is open [Re: DnJ] #2912533
01/13/21 08:54 AM
01/13/21 08:54 AM
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CanBird Offline OP
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Originally Posted by DnJ
Hello Can

Originally Posted by CanBird
D4 continues to share how she’s struggling with the newness of divorce, and the confusion of why daddy hasn’t visited. She’s very articulate in expressing herself, is now understanding it’s okay to feel what you feel, BUT we NEVER get physical or throw things. Tell me when you feel your “volcano” erupting and walk away if you need to.

I would suggest a modification to the expressing of D4’s feelings.

“It’s okay to feel what you feel. And at times it’s ok to get physical, or even throw things smile , which we will do in a safe proper manner; never at other people. Because sometimes we do need to vent those feelings.”

Physical exertion releases our pent up frustrations and anger. A punching bag, yard work, and other “sweat it out” activities are good for us adults. D4 obviously requires supervision and I’m sure you can come up with appropriate activities. Running, jumping, throwing something heavy, etc.

Kids do calm rather quickly. This is just another tool we can employ when dealing with things beyond our/their control. Hitting and fighting were never allowed with my kids. Of course, those things did happen between them, and there were consequences. They are kids, not angels, after all. Lol. Most times just being alone for a while did the trick. And other times various tree stumps got beat up pretty good with a stick. smile

D


Great suggestions. Appreciate them.


~Never Give Up~
2019
BD Mar
Apr-Nov(H away/ wrk)
BD June
Nov H home
Dec Aow/xgf
2020 Jan H wants D
H flys to ow
March D signed..NOT filed!?
2gther 4 Covid
April 22 H back to work
Oct 22/20 D FINAL
BIL update [Re: CanBird] #2912534
01/13/21 08:57 AM
01/13/21 08:57 AM
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BIL text me, want to know is I'm available Friday.

He can do the reaching out.

Zero expectations


~Never Give Up~
2019
BD Mar
Apr-Nov(H away/ wrk)
BD June
Nov H home
Dec Aow/xgf
2020 Jan H wants D
H flys to ow
March D signed..NOT filed!?
2gther 4 Covid
April 22 H back to work
Oct 22/20 D FINAL
Re: BIL update [Re: CanBird] #2912542
01/13/21 02:36 PM
01/13/21 02:36 PM
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CanBird,

I wouldn't be too concerned about your xh being missing in action in not responding right a way. Their minds are mush and whatever they are doing that keeps them focused on it, that will always override any communications that they should have w/us. They can only focus on one thing at a time and time slips away so quickly and they don't realize it because their clock is moving very, very slowly. Besides, if it's not about money, he will take his time in responding.

My xh use to drive me nuts w/that missing in action stuff until I realized that there was no point in getting angry about it. However, what really bugged me is when he posted to me, he expected an answer right away. Well, after I saw what he was doing when it came to responding back to me....I began to slow my responses down back to him.

Try to remember...they are living in another world and trust me...he's okay. God is watching over him. Do not allow his behavior stir up your anger. Keep the focus on you and your daughter. Right now, your daughter needs you more than ever to reassure her about the situation.

Good luck talking to your x-bil.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: BIL update [Re: CanBird] #2912562
01/13/21 06:05 PM
01/13/21 06:05 PM
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As for the BIL - just remember, blood is thicker than water. Sometimes in-laws are helpful but more often than not their primary allegiance remains with their relative, and they can turn on a dime or just decide to believe whatever BS their relative tells them about you. Watch what you say and don't say anything that you wouldn't want to get back to your ex. It's ok to be blunt about his affair, when it started, and him ghosting your child. But think strategically if what you say might result in your ex being less cooperative.

Re: BIL update [Re: kml] #2912594
01/13/21 11:50 PM
01/13/21 11:50 PM
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Originally Posted by kml
As for the BIL - just remember, blood is thicker than water. Sometimes in-laws are helpful but more often than not their primary allegiance remains with their relative, and they can turn on a dime or just decide to believe whatever BS their relative tells them about you. Watch what you say and don't say anything that you wouldn't want to get back to your ex. It's ok to be blunt about his affair, when it started, and him ghosting your child. But think strategically if what you say might result in your ex being less cooperative.



This!! It happened to me from my XMIL - she was never unkind to me but in the beginning she wanted to remain close, she promised to be there for me...she didn't understand her own son...

She believed that when she said it but in the end, I haven't spoken to her since this all went down. I've seen her at grandkids events and she's very sweet, but definitely there for her son. And that's ok. She's his mom.

You never really know - so assume BIL will be on his side - even when it doesn't make sense. xx

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