Scout's Emancipation

[scout12]

Hey OB, I have a hunch that we might live in the same city.

It’s funny seeing things I wrote a while ago pulled up again. I’ve hashed and rehashed my X and my marriage to death because it was necessary at the time, but the words have served their purpose and I no longer feel the desperate urge to reflect and make sense of it all. It happened. It’s over. The wound has healed cleanly because I leaned into the pain until it didn’t hurt anymore.

I’m glad you found them useful anyway. However, I do still spend a teeny bit of time puzzling out this parenting stuff.

My X is a performative parent: he only acts the part if he has an audience. Fortunately for me, he has never put in any effort to find one other than his immediate family and OW and co. He seems to spend a lot of his parenting time with OW’s family. It makes me wonder if he has many friends left. I don’t think he’s very comfortable on his own with S2.

As many people predicted, now that we’ve agreed on a parenting plan for the next two years, there’s complete silence on his end about actually doing it. So we’re still on the same visitation schedule put in place when he left nearly two years ago. Two hours twice a week and every second Sunday.

He’s never asked or tried to phone or video chat, doesn’t follow up when I inform him our son is unwell, doesn’t try to make up missed visits. He literally doesn’t exist outside of his visitation time which, according to S2, consists of ice cream, TV, and being anywhere except home alone with his dad

Not sure what’s going on with X this week but he has been really late to every changeover without any notice. I haven’t said anything because it hasn’t impacted my time yet. This morning when I opened the door, S2 stared thoughtfully at his dad for a long second, then said “Dad, Mama is not your friend”. X replied “I’m not Mama’s friend? Aww.”

[97Hope]

I’ve hashed and rehashed my X and my marriage to death because it was necessary at the time, but the words have served their purpose and I no longer feel the desperate urge to reflect and make sense of it all. It happened. It’s over. The wound has healed cleanly because I leaned into the pain until it didn’t hurt anymore.

I love this so much. I'm nearing the end of the rehash, leaning into the pain as I need to and I'm finding that I need to less and less.

*Re: "Dad, Mama in not your friend." my kids are older (19,23,27) - eldest said that if X tells him one more time "I love your mom" he's gonna punch him dead in the face. lol Your son is wise beyond his years. They see it.

[scout12]

X emailed today to say he’s going out of state for a month on Monday. No mention of this prior to now. Very odd as we are currently in a new lockdown and travel is heavily restricted at the moment. Unusual behaviour for him as far as known habits of work or leisure. He’s going to miss S2’s birthday.

He has organised XMIL to care for S2 on his next Sunday visit, but wants me to drive 30 minutes to XSIL’s house to drop him off because they’ll be too busy preparing for X-niece’s birthday party to pick him up. Am I wrong, or does that sound like a ‘them’ problem?

[97Hope]

He has organised XMIL to care for S2 on his next Sunday visit, but wants me to drive 30 minutes to XSIL’s house to drop him off because they’ll be too busy preparing for X-niece’s birthday party to pick him up. Am I wrong, or does that sound like a ‘them’ problem?

my opinion: sounds like not your problem. ; )

[may22]

Sounds like not your problem to me, either.

That being said, *if* you care *and* it is really NBD to you, you might consider doing it and demonstrating your commitment to supporting S2's relationship with that side of his family. (Also, it might be nice for S2 to participate in his cousin's BD party-- is that why they can't come get him?) Maybe there is something close to her house that would be a fun excursion for you to do on your own or earlier in the day with S2, a hike or a beach or something? Possibly could be viewed as a good excuse to get out and do something different.

If I were you I'd also be weighing COVID questions, and maybe a birthday party isn't a great idea.

Anyway, I'm sure you'll make the right choice!

[DnJ]

Hi scout

That’s a ‘them’ problem.

XH gone a whole month and missing son’s birthday. So much for his wanting of more time it seems.

I’d probably bow out of resolving their conflict for picking up S2.

D

[scout12]

I do want S2 to attend his cousin's party. I just think that getting him there is not my responsibility. In fact, that's a wife job. And I sure ain't that anymore. Not to mention the indignity of being treated like a chauffeur when I would have been an invited guest if circumstances were different. I feel that it's insensitive and entitled on their part. They are welcome to pick him up earlier or whenever suits them.

Not sure what time the party starts, but X's usual pickup time is 8am. I can't imagine the party happening that early. SIL has a husband to help her with party prep. FIL or MIL could stay behind if extra hands were really needed. I only get one day a fortnight off from parenting and those 9 hours go fast. And I'm staring down the barrel of four weeks without a break.

I know I don't need to justify my right to say no. Still working on that, I guess.

In other news, I spent a few hours at the hospital with S2 yesterday. He's had a chesty cough for the past week and the doctor wanted him checked for bronchitis, pneumonia and of course COVID. So they put us in an isolation room while they performed various tests (the little guy did so well). Once we were cleared for (just a nasty viral infection) I informed X of the situation via text and said I'd update him once the COVID test result came in.

He never even bothered to respond.

[OwnIt]

Scout, may I offer a different perspective? This doesn't turn on whether it was right or wrong for him to have asked or whether it is your responsibility. I personally would rather be the one to transport my child 1/2 hour by car than rely on unnamed others, arranged by a flaky ex-husband to do so. While I know you have lots and lots of time with S2, as the parent of one child in college and another soon to be, I can tell you that the times we spent in the car driving places were some of the best times we spent talking, laughing, singing, playing I spy, you name it. Forget about your Ex. Always, in every case, do what is best for S2. Let that be your driving force and the consideration that dictates your actions.

[Gerda]

Scout, may I offer a different perspective? This doesn't turn on whether it was right or wrong for him to have asked or whether it is your responsibility. I personally would rather be the one to transport my child 1/2 hour by car than rely on unnamed others, arranged by a flaky ex-husband to do so. While I know you have lots and lots of time with S2, as the parent of one child in college and another soon to be, I can tell you that the times we spent in the car driving places were some of the best times we spent talking, laughing, singing, playing I spy, you name it. Forget about your Ex. Always, in every case, do what is best for S2. Let that be your driving force and the consideration that dictates your actions.

I totally second that. Every single part of it. And add to that that nothing that you do is going to teach your H or his family to see things rightly. Just be the light to your kid.

[OnlyBent]

Hey OB, I have a hunch that we might live in the same city.

It’s funny seeing things I wrote a while ago pulled up again. I’ve hashed and rehashed my X and my marriage to death because it was necessary at the time, but the words have served their purpose and I no longer feel the desperate urge to reflect and make sense of it all. It happened. It’s over. The wound has healed cleanly because I leaned into the pain until it didn’t hurt anymore.

This is where I need to get to. Logically I know I will, but doesn't make the path any less difficult.

I think you live a bit further north than I do from what I gather.