Help.

[Jhopeful]

(Sorry I just found the links to my first 2 questions)

[OnlyBent]

JH, reread AnotherStander's post in response to you for all the reasons why that conversation was a mistake. You screwed up, but don't worry, everyone here has made the same mistakes. The earlier you can stop making these mistakes, the better.

Also, I'd suggest not using you and your W's names in your posts.

[Mumin]

Go find the books on Amazon (or similar).
I also strongly recommend the book Love Must be Tough. I listened to it on audio book, you can do that in a few days easily.

Please provide a story of what happened and what has been the dynamics since she moved out. It will help everyone understand and give you better advice.

You should not have made that call, especially since its months since she moved out.

[Traveler]

Hi,

The call was a mistake and probably reduces your chances--but it wasn't as bad as the letter imho. I'm glad you didn't send the letter, recovered from your panic attack, and are up to posting again.

I just want you to know that I screwed up and said and did some things that I shouldn't have done.

She replied:
"Joe, you did nothing wrong, I'm just not in love. You deserve someone who loves you and so do I"
(she has said this to me back in November.)

I replied:
"Lish, I hear and respect what you are saying. I am not trying to convince you of anything.

I know I [censored] up.

I'm baffled. You said you goofed. She told you that you didn't. You said you hear and respect what she's saying but keep insist you goofed. So, what was this goof you feel ended things?

I [censored] up last week. I used sex as a way of seeing if she was truly back in again. I was angry... I'm sorry that you felt sex was a contngentcey.

What did you do? I'm not sure if you asked her for sex, while in a kiss you put your hands places in sensitive spots to encourage it, or you actually convinced her to have sex when she wasn't into it. I'm being blunt. We can give better advice if we understand what's really going on in your relationship and breakup.

She moved out in September and we share 50/50 custody of a 2 yr old baby girl.

Why did she move out in the first place?

[Thornton]

Start by reading Sandi’s rules.

[Jhopeful]

(Thank you for the replies)
I'll follow up with more of the backstory and respond the messages this weekend. Until then I wouldn't mind any feedback. I very much appreciate the help and since things are moving quickly right now I'd like to just keep this thread up to date.


Since my phone call with her yesterday she had drinks with a mutual friend last night who is aware of everything. I received this email late last night thereafter:


Hey,
I wanted to acknowledge that this is hard for you. I wanted to be softer, but I didn’t know how to be clear and soft. I want to be kind and respectful in communication, and in our relationship as coparents always. I want you to know I’m not angry at you. I am listening to my intuition, and it has only gotten louder over the last few months. I know this is truth for me- separating is true. Having a beautiful family in two homes is true. And that I deeply care about you is true.

Anything I can do to make this easier for you, I am open to. I know this is an extremely stressful time in your life, and you’re starting a big new chapter. I’m so proud of you and your drive and how hard you’ve been working toward this. I also know that you need few distractions over the coming weeks. If I can help in any way, please let me know.

Enjoy your weekend with (our 2 yr old).
XXXX


I spent last night talking with some friends to get a woman's perspective and they all believe she is confused and needs her space.

(Less than 2 weeks ago she said she loves me and wants to work on herself to meet me. A month ago she said that and more, including her vision of us together)

Meanwhile, I read this email and hear both sides of what she is saying and I'm 100% wrecked.

[LH19]

J,

So you have to remember that this is how she feels right now and her feelings may change in time.

Reading the email it’s clear she doesn’t want to hurt you and doesn’t hate you.

Your friends are wise to tell you to give her space and more space then she can even imagine.

Keep posting.

[Mumin]

Lots of space! This is LRT and NC.

I can understand that was a tough read for you. Pick yourself up and start moving forward. GAL as much as you can!

It is good that she recognizes your side but she is basically telling you what you should feel and what you need which personally would p!s me off.

Don’t answer her at all.

Also, as mentioned above, if you haven’t yet. Read sandis rules over and over. Memorize them and live by them.

[Joe2017]

Dude. Back up. Give her ALL THE SPACE. The more attention you pour on her the more she is going to back away.

It seems like she doesn't have any malice or ill will towards you now. That's very good.

Back off. No wordiness. Be polite. Be respectful. But be neutral. No talk of love or anything like that. Be business like. End emails with "thanks" but never "love" or even "take care".

The only chance you have really, is to ditch her and the idea of being with her. You have to go become the best you that you can be. It's the GAL thing. The LRT. Get in the mindset that you are starting a new chapter of your life and you're making this new chapter the best one yet.

Oh and never ever tell her about what you're doing to see if things are "working". That cancels progress. Treat her like a Co worker from here on out.

You are not in control of her heart, she is.

[Jhopeful]

As my child sleeps I have a few quick questions:

How do I handle what's left of her belongings in the house" - it's minor things, like a stereo, some cups, a chair and a few boxes.



We share a child, what dynamics are helpful for me to know?



We share a child together and see each other sometimes 5-6 times a week. How do I manage those visits? Both my inner world and interacting with her?



If she texts me pictures of Poppy how do I handle that?



What do I do with the letters and keep sakes?



I am starting to get the message that I too need to know, feel and act like it's done and over.


I ordered the book and started reading Sandy's rules.
-Thanks so much everyone.
J