I think physically abusing a woman is more then bad coping skills but maybe that’s just me.
Its not that I disagree with you.
I've done a lot of work to clean up my side of the street... most times I just withdrew and isolated... but there were times I screamed back and would not back down out of frustration. I have to live with those actions too.
Its just for me to move forward I want to push those things off in a closet. I'd rather have peaceful interactions and that to be my memory moving forward than carrying all that pain.
Just a quick question. So many people have pointed you towards IC but you simply don’t acknowledge it or dance around it. I know you had a poor experience in the past but I know there are really good therapists out there that could really help you you grow.
My question is, are you ever going to consider IC or are we wasting our time trying to encourage you to go?
It not that I'm NOT considering it. I've been looking at logistics... frankly I'm emotionally drained and exhausted and facing the fact that overall I'm not wanting to be that vulnerable at this moment.
Good people don’t physically abuse their wives. I’m sorry, but it’s the truth.
I’m sorry you endured this and I’m sorry you still want a man back who physically abused you, scared you, scared your kid, etc.
He just showed me he is still a liar.
But, he also just showed me he is trying to make amends... though small baby steps. He told me he actually invited his first XW and his daughter to Thanksgiving. Mostly because he is trying to build a bridge back to his daughter BUT that was a HUGE step for him to invite his XW (there is a very long history there...)
So no. Not working to get my STBXH back. Just working through a way forward where we can all come out this with the fewest scars possible.
KC, I’m so sorry you went through that. That’s terrible and no one deserves to be physically, emotionally or mentally abused.
I hope this is the true beginning of your awaking. When you are abused like that you start to believe you are worthless and deserve it. When you start the process of realizing you didn’t, and don’t it can be scary. Scary to start believe you’re worth more. So it can take baby steps, and progress what’s important. Not at anyone’s pace but your own. But let me say, you are worth more, you deserve more and confidence in that acknowledge is very attractive. Just be careful because it’s attractive to all types including those who want to take confidence away.
I know you state you miss the pilot, but what attracted him to you, was your availability to sex and keeping it a friends with benefits situation. I hope going through that situation helped you realize that maybe you just aren’t the type capable of having that relationship. You want more and fall easily. Or maybe you just want to fill the hole in your heart with a quick fix. I doubt you’ll honestly know anytime soon. You need more personal healing.
Just be honest with yourself and whomever comes next. Knowing what you need, and not settling for less will lead you to happiness.
Unfortunately there is absolutely no easy way out.
Hang in there. You have a whole lot of people rooting for you.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Yes... [facepalm]... a list of reasons why he is done. Didn't need a response. Didn't need validation. Didn't need me stating my vaca was paid from joint assets... EXCEPT he wasn't done until he felt I was still accepting vacas from STBXH.... So should that be clarified???
I wouldn't clarify anything else with him, I don't really think that's an issue for him, he's just making it an issue because he's looking for reasons to exit stage left and blame you for it. Even if you could give him a very reasonable explanation, he's not going to listen. Or he'll find some other reason. It really seems like he just wants out at this point. Don't forget your DB'ing, the best thing to do right now is pull back and give him time and space.
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This was NOT the first episode of road rage. I used to ask him to stop. Begged him to stop. Yelled at him to stop and all it did was ramp him up and then retaliate to me and not just the other jerk on the road. Then he's screaming at me and telling me to STFU. He did these episodes with the kids in the car too....
Wow that had to be incredibly frightening for you and especially the kids. Someone who puts loved ones in harm's way like that has some very serious anger management issues. I'm sorry you went through that!
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That sort of surprised me because I frequently started our text conversations asking about his older dog. When he texted me at the end of a long day of flight I always validated that his schedule seems exhausting.
He's engaging in rewriting of history. His behavior is classis WAS stuff. Maybe you're too close to the situation to see it for what it is, but he's a walkaway. It happens, it's not always someone you're married to. It can be someone you've only dated briefly. Same walkaway pattern though. And you're making the same LBS mistakes of trying to pursue him, reason with him, explain to him, help him see things are not what he thinks they are. It doesn't work. All you can do is give him time and space. Maybe he'll reconsider later if you do. And maybe not. But the bottom line is the best thing for YOU right now is to leave him be.
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And, then I took 24hr to really thing about what he wrote.... I wish I could say I left it there but I did not. I spilled my guts...
And I'm sure it got you nowhere, right? Time and space!
And I'm sure it got you nowhere, right? Time and space!
Yup... NO WHERE....
I see your analogy of WAS. Time and space may work with relationships but we weren't even there yet. We were only dating.
In my head I wanted to send a text letting him know that he was doing all the right things with his dog with the older health issues, truly all the right things. That he had a good relationship with his vet who had history and testing results that I didn't have. I didn't feel it was my place to interfere with that or add more.
^^^IDK... maybe he wasn't looking for that but more of me just telling him he was doing a good job??? That's what clients want to hear in my office. Sure they are looking for advice but they really just want to be told or recognized for what they are doing correctly. "you handled that well", "you were right to be concerned about that", etc. Did I just miss the mark when I was not "in office mode"? But, seriously, he was doing all the right things its just a frustrating condition that will not get better. He thought I did not care? He thought I was not interested?
I will never know. And, I cannot send him anything... so why does everything I see... I go I'd love to send that too him.
Anyway I needed the reminder.
Time and space worked for my STBXH. Despite the he still lies to me (most likely because he does not want to hurt me) we seem to get along well. I even sent him a text by mistake and there was joking back and forth over it. We seemed to have both benefited from exiting the toxic situation.
I don't feel that anyone sees this guy contacting me ever again.
