Very few people actually get it and make so many mistakes in the beginning. Then you begin to question everything like "what do a bunch of strangers on internet know about my situation". But 1st, know this - you will have wished you listened to the advice given here.
I was just like you. I think we even live in the same city. I had so many reasons to question what other posters were saying. There are cultural differences I would often think. Unfortunately most of us get it too late and the damage is already done. However, we'll be experts on what to do should anything similar happen in the future so keep posting.
And btw, not a single person here has or will every say that you should be cold towards your partner/wife/ex.
Are you in Gothenburg? Yeah, not being cold but just saying Yes or No seems quite cold for me.
In DBing, going by emotions is usually going to lead you down the wrong path. You have to remain logical. It usually helps if you read the distance-pursuit dynamic. I suggest you read that thread.
It short, it is kind of like playing with a dog. When you chase the dog, the dog runs away, but when you run the other way the dog will run towards you. The more you run toward her the further she will run the other way. But if you pull back then there is a chance she may get curious and come towards you. DB is no guarantee of reconciliation, but it gives you much better chance than pressure and pursuit.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So 1st before I answer your question, please answer one for me first.
Why do you feel the need to be overly nice to a woman who has left you for the third time?
Because I love her and we spent 7 years together - I don't resent her or hate her. I do want the best for her in some way and if she decides that we are not it that's fine in a way.
Ok that's fine. I get that you feel yes and no feels cold to you. So right now she views you as low value. She's not buying what you are selling and is shopping for something else. How do you create value? Scarcity. She has to miss you if she is going to want to be with you again. You need to be as scarce and mysterious as possible.
You are getting great advice! Read the threads posted and books recommended. NC is NC. You do it for real, or you don’t do it.
Also, you are a Nice guy deluxe (like me btw). Google a podcast about it, listen, then order that book too. It will change your life. Really.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
You are getting great advice! Read the threads posted and books recommended. NC is NC. You do it for real, or you don’t do it.
Also, you are a Nice guy deluxe (like me btw). Google a podcast about it, listen, then order that book too. It will change your life. Really.
Yeah I am reading the book now while I am waiting for the others I ordered already. Some things apply, some things don't. I am not afraid of conflict for example and can be more the opposite (when I know/believe that the person is committed to us mainly though). But I DEFINITELY fall into the nice guy category....
Forgot to mention that on Tue I met her while running at lunch time (I always alternate going to the gym with going running and she knows that I am running that day). She was running too and came over from the other side of the street and said hi. We talked a bit and I was not fully ready to be strong and positive in my communication, so she said she's sorry that she broke the NC. I said it's fine and if she wants to run a bit. So we ran for like 500m together.
I made quite a few mistakes there, partly because I was not prepared to see here that day. Like I am sorry for my behaviour and pushing her away several times towards the end. She said that it is not my fault and I said I know but it always takes two. That I know she is strong and will make it through.
That evening I also called her and told her a. when she can pick the rest of her things and b. that I can look for an apartment for myself as well in this month and we see who finds the best one (at that time I was not sure I would like to stay in a place with so many memories and most of the furniture is hers so me moving would simplify things).
I know many mistakes and nice guy behaviour - it's hard to be conscious about it all the time.
Yeah the hardest thing for newbies to do is not pursue. It takes a lot of discipline which most people don’t have. Unfortunately pursuit is the worst thing a LBS can do to his situation.
So I have a question 1st. You calling her and telling her you may have to move because there is too many memories in the apartment. Do you think that makes you more attractive or less attractive? Those memories don’t seem matter to her do they?
Do as LH says, but definitely don’t call her back yourself. If it is really important she will call back or leave a message. Once you have told her you need time and space try to stay real NC for at least a week. That means absolutely zero communication. ZERO.
What is it that does not apply from the book(s)?
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Yes they do not make me more attractive I know. I talk too much from my heart sometimes.
She just called again 1h ago.SShould I waitfor her to call again?
I advocate in NC not to answer calls. If it is important she will leave a message or follow up with text or email. I know not answering a call is so difficult. But very little comes from talking at this point. Words are either the wrong words, or are the right words that your actions do not match. So say little... Do much. Not answering her calls says more than words ever could.
If she leaves a message with questions, you respond with answers via text. If she asks questions via text or email you respond on your own time, not right away. In all cases you answer in as few words as possible, yes or no questions get yes or no answers.
Hang in there. All this gets easier.
Last edited by Steve85; 01/09/2104:43 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
