So I high lighted some things below that IMO are manipulation. Also with my second read through I have to be honest with you and you are probably not going to like this but you are very emotional and that is not attractive to women. You should read "How to be a 3% Man" by Corey Wayne and "The Way of the Superior Man" by David Deida. You should become familiar with Masculine and Feminine energy.
Originally Posted by 1stLove
I did not take that conversation to great and begged to try out different approaches as I am sure we can fix this.
We have gotten so far, have worked on our R so much and this happens to 1/3 of all R. But she was quite determined and said that I have convinced her before that we should work on our R and it never 100% felt to be her decision.
I became desperate and said things I regretted once I said them, like if you leave me I will kill myself (I told her not much later that I said that in impulse and that I wouldn’t do it, but once it’s said the damage is done anyhow).
The day after we talked a bit more on a walk and I tried to explain her how I see things, but I also understood that she has made her mind up for now.
I just cant handle vague areas and I feel I pressured her to take a stand – I feel a bit like an idiot on that one.
I started to stop fighting and accepting in a way that I have done the 2 previous times – if this is what you need then I won’t be in your way. I want you to be happy and love you no matter what.
Originally Posted by 1stLove
Yes, there is fear and I guess it is fear of being alone and not knowing what the future will hold (we made quite elaborate plans together) - I know rationally stupid but anyhow. I have phases this time where I am not afraid anymore and can see myself being by myself again though.
Guess what 1ST NO ONE knows what the future holds, I bet last New Years Day you didn't think that next year you would be in the middle of a pandemic did you?
No legal proceedings needed to separate, it is really simple practically. But of course emotionally it is (for me at least) not much easier after such a long time (we moved in together after dating for 3 months and have been living together ever since besides the other 2 times she had to take a break).
I agree with you, I can get very emotional and I have an insecure attachment. I have been working on that the past years, but still takes quite some work. And this time I just got so annoyed that I couldn't control myself - so yes will start relationship C and potentially therapy (have a life coach as well).
Thanks for the book tips, will check them out. I am part of a Tantra group where we learn quite a bit about eroticism and masculine/feminine energy, but I guess I haven't taken that thinking fully into everyday life yet.
No legal proceedings needed to separate, it is really simple practically. But of course emotionally it is (for me at least) not much easier after such a long time (we moved in together after dating for 3 months and have been living together ever since besides the other 2 times she had to take a break).
Remember, you cannot make someone love you. The sooner you come to grips that maybe she does only love you like a brother, the sooner the emotional side of this will begin to subside.
Hang in there 1st, you are going to be fine no matter what.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
One question I have is that thing about going dark: I was not fully emotional available to her in the last weeks, so I am wondering if showing affection is not actually better?
She originally wanted to meet during the first weeks of S, but I said it is better to take a break due to the emotions involved after her moving out. She didn't like that at all, but accepted it.
I understand the idea of NC and working on oneself rather than focusing on the other person, just wondering how the 180 view is on such a situation?
I agree with you, I can get very emotional and I have an insecure attachment. I have been working on that the past years, but still takes quite some work. And this time I just got so annoyed that I couldn't control myself - so yes will start relationship C and potentially therapy (have a life coach as well).
Thanks for the book tips, will check them out. I am part of a Tantra group where we learn quite a bit about eroticism and masculine/feminine energy, but I guess I haven't taken that thinking fully into everyday life yet.
Originally Posted by 1stLove
I agree with you, I can get very emotional and I have an insecure attachment. I have been working on that the past years, but still takes quite some work. And this time I just got so annoyed that I couldn't control myself - so yes will start relationship C and potentially therapy (have a life coach as well).
Thanks for the book tips, will check them out. I am part of a Tantra group where we learn quite a bit about eroticism and masculine/feminine energy, but I guess I haven't taken that thinking fully into everyday life yet.
Good you didn’t take offense. You will be easy to give advice to.
NC is statistically the best way to get her back. Do not contact her and only break NC if she is beating the door down trying to get you back. Stay NC for at least 30 days IMO. Google exgfrecovery. I found this on a podcast that Michele Weiner Davis was on a couple of times.
Formulate plan to get yourself healed and better.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
One question I have is that thing about going dark: I was not fully emotional available to her in the last weeks, so I am wondering if showing affection is not actually better?
She originally wanted to meet during the first weeks of S, but I said it is better to take a break due to the emotions involved after her moving out. She didn't like that at all, but accepted it.
I understand the idea of NC and working on oneself rather than focusing on the other person, just wondering how the 180 view is on such a situation?
If we had a dime for every newcomer that struggled with that very thing, myself included, the forum would be full of billionaires.
DBing is counter-intuitive. I mean even the statement "let them go to get them back" seems backwards. But the intuitive hasn't worked for you, has it? Isn't this the third time she has moved out? So flip the script, go dark. You did the right thing not meeting with her. It was the right thing because it let you start moving forward, and it showed her what life without you would be like. Keep DBing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
No legal proceedings needed to separate, it is really simple practically. But of course emotionally it is (for me at least) not much easier after such a long time (we moved in together after dating for 3 months and have been living together ever since besides the other 2 times she had to take a break).
Remember, you cannot make someone love you. The sooner you come to grips that maybe she does only love you like a brother, the sooner the emotional side of this will begin to subside.
Hang in there 1st, you are going to be fine no matter what.
What Steve wrote here is all you need right now. No marriage, no kids. Take this BD as a wake up call. You didnt change the last two times. If you dont change there never was and never will be a chance. Do this for you and down the road she might come back or you'll have improved for a better life with someone else.
What you described above is not a 180 IMO. 180 isn't about behavior from the past few weeks. It is about changing real habbits and ways of acting that have characterized you since you moved in together. Changing YOU. At this point interaction should be ZERO anyway.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
I guess I just don't want to seem that I don't care about her and that I am done with us and not interested anymore - I have been quite distant, one of the reasons for our loss of intimacy I believe. Because yes she moved out 2 times before, but she also came back 2 times and everytime we improved our R.
But I guess you are right - she always came back, but now she said that it was always me that convinced her to come back in one way or the other. So this is the ultimate test then - will she want our R by herself and if not she is not worth considering anyhow. Maybe her single life is better than our R.
