Thanks Steve85. Yes, I agree with you on the differences between a male and female approach to an affair and I think it rings true here. There are many differences between the two. She started and then wanted to separate, I never wanted to separate. She has shown no remorse, I was very remorseful.
Thing is I just agreed with her to separate to allow her to move on from my affair, but then 5 days later I found out about the affair and that changed everything!
I don't think she is still contacting the OM, but she may of had that taste of excitement with the affair and thinks it is a better option than staying with someone she does not love.
I do need to focus on myself and today i have taken steps to learn Spanish, always wanted to improve my basic vocab of it, so now is a good chance and next will be learning the keyboard/piano. I go running everyday and go for walks with the kids or on my own.
Thanks for your input and support! Much appreciated!
She did tell the OM that they cannot continue and I think he agreed and was sorry to put her in this position.
I guess it is just a hunch, but her behaviours around the phone have changed since the number was removed and blocked, prior to that she may of been hoping he contacted her, I don't think she would pursue.
I think inside she regrets it but she is not comfortable in expressing her feelings to show this, but I may be wrong and naive about all this and she may be continuing. She has lied before about it and I know the lengths people will go to keep things carrying on.
I hope she is being honest with you Gotham but if you don’t have access to her phone and she is protective of it, I would assume she is not. BTW... really easy to block a number in front of someone and then unblock it later when they aren’t looking. Trust what you see - not what she says.
DejaVu6 - I hope so to, I did check the phone a few days later and the number was still blocked and deleted, but I cannot access it now to check. As I mentioned her behaviours around the phone have now changed, she leaves it lying around the house rather than with her.
I am debating whether to say to her, that I am aware that she has changed the passcode, which I find disrespectful considering what she has done, and that if I discover she is still in contact with the OM, then that will be it and she will have to move out. Looking at this as a boundary for me. I will not accept her having an OM whilst living at home.
I am debating whether to say to her, that I am aware that she has changed the passcode, which I find disrespectful considering what she has done, and that if I discover she is still in contact with the OM, then that will be it and she will have to move out. Looking at this as a boundary for me. I will not accept her having an OM whilst living at home.
Or should I just leave it and carry on DB?
I would leave it.
She currently doesn’t want a future with you, so, why would she care what behaviors you like or dislike? This would become more relevant if she were to decide to recommit to the marriage.
This also isn’t an effective boundary—not only because you can’t enforce it, but also because it’s an attempt to control her behavior. Consider keeping any boundary to yourself. That increases the likelihood it’s a boundary and not an ultimatum.
Gotham, remember, your number one goal is to remove all pressure and pursuit. So is confronting her about the pass code pressure or pursuit? If so, refrain. (And it is, BTW)
You should be weighing anything you are considering against that template. If it is pressure and/or pursuit then don't do it. One is the wisest posters here, cadet, likes to say that when you feel the urge to act (the illusio of action) remember that doing nothing IS doing something. It's always better to do nothing than to do the wrong thing.
Also, you never said if you read DB or DR yet. Have you?
Last edited by Steve85; 12/29/2005:16 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
