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A Message from Michele
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Both had an affair... #2911414
12/27/20 10:08 PM
12/27/20 10:08 PM
Joined: Dec 2020
Posts: 47
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Gotham Offline OP
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Gotham  Offline OP
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Posts: 47
Hello, firstly, I would like to say a big thank you to all who post and contribute on here, I have been lurking for around a month and your views and advice are getting me through my current situation.

For my story I need to go back 10 years for the full picture… 10 years ago I had an affair with a work colleague, I was struggling in my life, we had a 2 year old, and twins were just born and the in-laws were living with us. I reacted badly to this, and drifted into an affair, this lasted around 9 months and then I realised what I was doing, ended it and committed 100% to my family.

4 months later my wife found out, we managed to stay together for the next 10 years. The first few years were tough, but we found a groove where we could be a family, we were physical, but looking back it was mostly functional for my wife but we had good times and bad times just like any other marriage. It was never awful. Bottom line is my wife has never forgiven me and has never moved on from my affair, I have done everything needed for her to do this and she has stated this, but she can’t, or she won’t. I believe it is the later.

My affair is the biggest regret in my life, where I lost my way and did something terrible and I know the impact it has had on her life, all I wanted to do was be the best husband and father to my family. I had never done anything like that before and would never do anything like that again, I have learnt my lesson.

Fast forward 10 years and in March my wife wanted us to separate, nothing leading up to this, just pretty much out of the blue, we have carried on against the backdrop of lockdowns and covid, but my wife has changed, she has disengaged from me and the kids (to a certain extent).

In November I suspected that she was seeing someone else, and confronted her, she said she was in contact with an ex-colleague and had met up once. 2 weeks later I found out that this was a lie and that she was in a PA with a guy she met on a night out in Feb, where they swapped numbers and kissed. She says they have only had sex once in Nov. The past 2 weeks had been just lie after lie and she has been in constant contact since Feb.

This all coincides with her wanting to separate.

Since I found out, she has treated me badly and has shown no remorse since my full discovery, the 48 hours after BD were full of apologies, but I believe this was just the guilt, her actions since then have shown no sorrow or remorse. She has not taken responsibility for her affair, just says that if I had not done it, then she would not have done it. She essentially blames me for everything that’s wrong in the marriage.

She still wants to separate, but I have told her that as she has just had the affair, does not want to work on the marriage and wants to separate, so she can leave the home. She is now torn on what to do.

We live together, but she sleeps on the sofabed, I have started to GAL, joined the gym, re-connected with old friends, but this GAL is proving difficult when we are in a lockdown. Any advice would be appreciated.

My preferred choice would be to work on the marriage as I do believe that we have one last chance to make it work and learn from the past 10 years where we never dealt with the underlying issue.

My wife is very stubborn and obstinate, she is not currently not talking to me, so we are not communicating at all. She does not talk about her feelings, in the past when I have noticed she was down, all she says is she is fed up, but with no detail, and never opens up. Refuses to go to MC.

We have had the house valued and I have started my own bank account, which she was not too happy about and thinks I am planning something. I am not, it was just to prepare for a future without her, which I told her about, although I am thinking of having my wages placed into my own account and then I will transfer an amount for half the mortgage and bills etc etc to show the reality of a divorce.

I know full well that I have received a dose of my own medicine, and it serves me right, but it does not make it any easier.

I am sure it is the same as many people out there, but I have not come across an experience with both having an affair.

Be good to get anyone’s input on how to handle the situation or just general thoughts.

Thanks for reading and your support which is much appreciated.

M-48
W-47
S16, S13, S13
T – 20
M-13

Re: Both had an affair... [Re: Gotham] #2911417
12/27/20 10:26 PM
12/27/20 10:26 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,890
Southern Maryland
job Offline

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job  Offline

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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,890
Southern Maryland
Welcome! I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome posting. Lots of homework reading that you can work through in the days to come.

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Both had an affair... [Re: Gotham] #2911418
12/27/20 11:04 PM
12/27/20 11:04 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 6,323
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LH19 Online
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LH19  Online
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Posts: 6,323
G sorry you are hear but this is the place you want to be.

Nothing destroys a marriage more then an affair. I have a friend whose W had an affair 17 years ago and he still relives it almost daily and has built up so much resentment his marriage is unrepairable.

You seem to be handling things pretty well for a newbie so that is good. If you want to reconcile you are going to need to look at this as a marathon and not a sprint that will most likely include a separation and or a divorce.

Try to get her out of the house as soon as possible because in house separation while there is an affair is very difficult and makes it almost impossible to detach.

Time and space is your friend right now so give her as much as possible,

Just know that one way or another you will be happy again and thrive if you are willing to put in the work.

I’m really sorry you are going through this right now.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Both had an affair... [Re: LH19] #2911420
12/28/20 12:13 AM
12/28/20 12:13 AM
Joined: Dec 2020
Posts: 47
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Gotham Offline OP
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Gotham  Offline OP
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Thanks LH19, appreciate you taking the time.

The affair has ended and I believe her, we both deleted and blocked the OM number and she now spends less time on the phone and leaves it about more, although the passcode has changed on it. I don't think there was any other contact channels.


I am resigned to this being a marathon and seeing where it will go, but I am adamant on not leaving the home. Some days I want to aim for reconciliation, other days being single is quite appealing. I guess those are my raw emotions, nut after reading on here I need to set myself up for both scenarios.

Re: Both had an affair... [Re: Gotham] #2911431
12/28/20 11:16 AM
12/28/20 11:16 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 6,323
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LH19 Online
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LH19  Online
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Posts: 6,323
When you say the pass code has changed do you mean you don’t have access to it?

Indifference is where you want to be so you are heading in the right direction.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Both had an affair... [Re: LH19] #2911436
12/28/20 01:32 PM
12/28/20 01:32 PM
Joined: Dec 2020
Posts: 47
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Gotham Offline OP
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Gotham  Offline OP
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Posts: 47
Yes, the passcode has changed to fingerprint ID from a pattern. I have thought about asking her, but thought I should leave it as I am supposed to detaching.

Re: Both had an affair... [Re: Gotham] #2911440
12/28/20 02:15 PM
12/28/20 02:15 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 6,323
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LH19 Online
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LH19  Online
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Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 6,323
Yeah no sense asking. The problem is you can’t work on a marriage when there is a third party involving.

Doesn’t sound like she’s ready anyway.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Both had an affair... [Re: Gotham] #2911442
12/28/20 02:41 PM
12/28/20 02:41 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,568
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SteveLW Offline
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SteveLW  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,568
Gotham,

Sorry you are here and find yourself in this situation. But you've found a place where you can get feedback and advice, and support. Your sitch isn't all that unique. There are plenty of couples that have indescretions from both Ss. So I think you need to read all of the links job posted. You don't mention reading DB/DR so get one (preferably DR) and read it.

Now obviously there are big differences in both of your PAs. Yours had run its course before being discovered. You realized it was wrong and had ended it. You had/have remorse for what you did.

Hers was still in the thick of it. She has no remorse or desire to end it. While she has told you she is no longer in contact, her actions aren't lining up with that (locked phone, still wants to separate, etc). She has already lied like a rug, you cannot believe a word she says. That should be one of your principles right now, believe nothing she says. Even if it's what you want to hear (like her PA is over).

The other thing you have to understand is that there are differences in how men and women approach affairs. Most women in As want the A to be headed somewhere. "We will be together some day!" Most men are just glad to be getting some strange. And this is why a lot of times when men get caught in an A, they want to end the PA and work on the marriage. Women often times want to end their marriage to be available for the next step in the evolution of the PA relationship.

So you have to be careful with the temptation to look back at your A and apply the same thinking with the aftermath of hers. I'd approach her PA completely separately from yours. Your PA 10 years ago is just a convenient thing for her to point back to and claim she couldn't get over it, it was the reason fur her PA, blah blah blah.

What I'm seeing with you is a focus on her. "She's not talking to me." "Her phone is locked." "Should I spilt finances to show her the reality of D?"

Shift your focus to you. GAL like a madman. I know you think lockdowns and COVID hinder this. But your W managed to have a PA thru them, surely you can find ways to stay busy. Focus on self-improvement. Sounds like you have a good handle on that in the aftermath of your PA, but we can always be better. And as you mention, work on detaching. Read sandi's rules. Implement them. Live them.

As far as the finances, unless you are concerned she might go on a spending spree, just let that go for now. If you are worried about protecting yourself, then talk to a lawyer. Some regions have rules in place aound this stuff. You don't want to do something that may harm a potential settlement if it comes to that.

And finally, I'm seeing a desire in your posting to "wake her up". Like suggesting splitting finances to show her the reality of D. There is nothing you can do to snap her out of it. She has to get there on her own accord. You need to focus on you, be the best dad you can be, and give her the time and space to figure out her own crap. We all come here looking for the secret sauce, the magic bullet. The thing we can do or say to snap our WAS out of it. That doesnt exist. What does exist is the tools and activities to prepare yourself for what comes next, no matter what that may be.


M(51), W(52),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Both had an affair... [Re: job] #2911446
12/28/20 04:51 PM
12/28/20 04:51 PM
Joined: Dec 2020
Posts: 47
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Gotham Offline OP
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Posts: 47
Thank you Job, I will go through these!

Re: Both had an affair... [Re: LH19] #2911447
12/28/20 04:53 PM
12/28/20 04:53 PM
Joined: Dec 2020
Posts: 47
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Gotham Offline OP
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Gotham  Offline OP
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Posts: 47
I don't think they are in contact anymore, but it guess you never know. My boundary is that if I do find out she is continuing then I would ask her to move out.

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