Scout, if you have time, you might read 1hedlite's recent couple of posts about her H over on Newcomers. They were really really hard to read. (Getting this context is also making me feel even worse about some of the advice that was posted by male posters on her thread early on.) I wonder if you might have any thoughts for her. Her description of her H reads like someone with full-blown NPD. I think she could use some support.
xx M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
This has been a long and painful journey for you, but your wisdom and inner confidence has seen you through so far. I think the best is yet to come for you and S2!!
And OMG, that menu.... the peach salad and Pavlova sound particularly enticing to me right now.
May, I can take a look at her thread. Btw, you were spot on with your Aussie English translations.
Thank you, Sage! I’ll head over to read your update next.
There has been some back and forth between X and I today because S2 is still sick. He was up vomiting every half hour from 12-6am. It’s X’s Sunday, so I messaged him at 6:30am saying I’d let him know if S2 seemed well enough for a visit later in the day. He replied instantly that he’d love to see him if he was feeling better. I didn’t respond, then 45 minutes later he asked “do you need anything?” He NEVER asks if I need help.
At lunchtime, I texted that S2 hadn’t vomited for a few hours and was keeping down food, so X was welcome to take him for the afternoon. I prepped S2 for the pickup. But X had evidently changed his mind, because he declined. Probably for the best in case S2 was still contagious, plus the little fellow really just wanted to be home with his mama. But at least X can’t say that I was attempting to withhold access or something.
The weird thing was how... respectful... X was in his messages. He thanked me and said he hoped I don’t get sick. That’s literally the first time he’s ever shown me any consideration since the day he left a year and a half ago. Seriously!
I am not sure that there is anything worse than watching your tiny child retch for days. I always feel so helpless when my babies have a tummy bug. It is so much more physical and visceral for them than it is for adults. (((S2))) I'm happy he's feeling a bit better.
You did the right thing in offering time with S2, but it really is for the best that X declined, for all of your sake.
And as confusing as it is, it must feel nice to have a couple of thoughtful texts from X. A few messages where you didn't have to have your guard up, didn't have to pre-meditate your communication. I am sure he will be back to being an a-hole again in the near future, but for a moment, you get to feel what coparenting would feel like if you weren't coparenting with a cluster B human.
Maybe his generosity will last through the holidays?
Either way, YOU, dearest Scout, are deserving of respectful messages all the time. From everyone you interact with.
Well done with X, stating son’s condition and offering the visit as son seems to be getting better. Of course, overall it is better that S2 stayed home and rested. This successful and respectful interchange has laid the ground work for another good resolution the next time a sickness or something unforeseen arises.
Originally Posted by scout12
The weird thing was how... respectful... X was in his messages. He thanked me and said he hoped I don’t get sick. That’s literally the first time he’s ever shown me any consideration since the day he left a year and a half ago. Seriously!
Two things come to mind:
First: Dog training. Reward the good behaviour and ignore the bad. X was respectful and displayed empathy. Shock! Acknowledge it. A simple and sincere thank you. I know you won’t go overboard, and I want to ensure you that is the right response.
Second: Divorce and the finality of it. That changes a person. The loss, whether wanted or not, sought or not, becomes real and will be grieved. X’s situation is not all sunshine and roses. Divorce is the end of something and the start of something. X is starting to realize and face his life and his choices. That will probably start and stop as he progresses; nonetheless he is changing.
From where he was over the last year and a half, a change would be either become completely absent or become a better person. (My XW became absent) He might revert now and then, however with your boundaries and ground work he will need to remain respectful.
I know this is only one episode, so far. However, anything, including changing, starts with one action or step. More will follow, it’s just a matter of when and how often.
Take care.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I am not sure that there is anything worse than watching your tiny child retch for days. I always feel so helpless when my babies have a tummy bug. It is so much more physical and visceral for them than it is for adults.
Absolutely. It was tough on the poor kid. He woke up screaming every time he needed to spew. Quite the jolt to the system being woken in that manner (for both of us).
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A few messages where you didn't have to have your guard up, didn't have to pre-meditate your communication.
It was just... easy. A welcome change after months-- no, a full year-- of tense negotiations. Partly, I think, because I am now so confident in my position, my boundaries, and my character that I can communicate in a more relaxed manner. He asked to make up the missed time and I didn't hesitate to say yes. I could have insisted that he sign the parenting plan before agreeing, and would be right to do so, but this seems to be a better way to manage him.
S2 is with X tonight for a family Christmas event and sleepover. He confirmed the location and provided emergency contact information. I didn't feel the slightest bit of anxiety or fear or distrust in letting him take S2; in fact, I waved him off gladly. I need a break after five straight days in the house with a bored, grumpy and sick toddler. I think I'll take myself out for dinner and catch up on The Crown.
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First: Dog training. Reward the good behaviour and ignore the bad.
Just like parenting!
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X is starting to realize and face his life and his choices. That will probably start and stop as he progresses; nonetheless he is changing.
Whether he is capable of change or not remains to be seen. Kml would probably argue not! I think it's more likely that my carefree attitude alleviates the obvious guilt which usually activates his attack mode. When he asked to make up the missed time this weekend, I said no, sorry, we're busy. He replied no worries, how about the following week? I said sure, just let me know where he'll be staying and who I can contact. Like I said, it was just easy.
I think I've reached the state of meh. It's nice here.
Yes, your confidence, boundaries, and character makes things easier. Well done.
Instead of X’s change, let’s say growth, which still remains to be seen.
Originally Posted by scout12
I think I've reached the state of meh. It's nice here.
It is rather nice.
Funny, how acceptance isn’t quite what we think it’s going to be. It’s more just meh and peaceful. Gone is all the drama and stress. Emotional understanding opens up a new part of one’s path.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I accidentally left my phone in the bag as I’d come straight from Christmas lunch at my parents’ place. D’oh. It’s lucky I didn’t leave my wallet in there as well. I was able to lock the phone remotely, turn on two-factor authentication, and set an emergency contact to be notified if X tries to unlock it. It’s a horrible feeling knowing my private conversations etc are within his reach. On the plus side, I can track the phone online and see where S2 is if needed.
We had a fun Christmas. S2 crawled into my bed in the morning and had to be reminded to check the Santa sack at the end of his own bed. He received a tub of animal figurines, books, chocolate and a bath bomb. My mum helped him wrap a gift for me— a little ceramic statue of mother cradling her infant. Very sweet. I also received two bottles of liquor (Hennessy and Casamigos Reposado) and a small leather bound set of The Lord of the Rings books. Nice!
I cooked a big dinner for my immediate family on Christmas Eve— eight adults and two kids. S2 ‘helped’ by kneading the bread dough and eating a ton of candied pecans. Truth be told, he was so hopped up on chocolate and presents and excitement that he was quite naughty and rude, and eventually received a stern dressing down from his beloved Nanny (my mum). We all went outside to swim and play backyard cricket which got some of that crazy energy out.
Here’s what I made which was very well received by the family: - prawn cocktails - bacon and creamed corn cob loaf - maple glazed baked ham - hasselback potatoes - sauteed broccolini with garlic butter - Japanese milk bread - roasted white chocolate and mango cheesecake - candied pecans
I hope all of you in DB-land are having the loveliest Christmas possible no matter the circumstances.
Acknowledge it. A simple and sincere thank you. I know you won’t go overboard, and I want to ensure you that is the right response.