New Beginnings Pt 2

[97Hope]

I don't know if you watched "Blades of Glory" but I was thinking of...

"Hey, help yourself to the YouTube all you want, but don’t even look at the Verticoli."

Maybe it could be a good practice for your assertiveness. Asking for help.

What would you tell me to do?

[Gerda]

CanB, I don't understand this stuff about your sister. She took your family's house and then sold it and kept all the money? How is asking for your share asking for help? You don't need her help, just like you don't need H's help. You just need your share. Why isn't your dad insisting that you get your share? That money could allow you to keep your house! Why isn't your family being supportive of you at this time?

(My family isn't supportive at all, financially. But it is what families should do, so don't get confused. I have several friends whose parents bought out the ex-spouse's share of the house so that the LBS and kids could stay there without having to go to court.)

I battled and battle fear quite a lot, some kind of shame, that I am in the way, that I don't have the right. You often have those feelings with your H, BIL, boss, etc. Me too.

Maybe I am missing something about the story, and I wouldn't take her to court or anything like that, but I would most certainly stand up for yourself.

Hey, Sister, how are things out your way today? Hope all is good!

Congrats on selling the house! Hooray! I want to make sure I get my half as quickly as possible, I really need it right now as I start my new life and make sure that D has a stable place to live. Feel free to take a credit for whatever you spent on improvements or other selling costs. Let me know if you want my routing number or how you want to do it. I'd like to get it into my account by X so I can prequalify for a refinance. Thanks and talk to you soon! Say Hi to BF! Love, CanB.

[DnJ]

Hello Can

I had similar questions as Gerda of the sale of the childhood home and not sharing of the profits. Her suggestion to be more forthright is a good one. Splitting the house sale does sound like what your father wanted and wants. However, a deal is only as good as the paper it is written upon. I suspect the gifting of the house to sister was better documented and the future sharing was left to her goodwill. Sister not speaking with her Dad over this issue says volumes.

Asking is an interesting mindset and is often not actually what one is doing. Asking implies you are willing to accept the answer - yes or no. Most times people ask to be polite, when really they are telling or demanding. Don’t read too much harshness into “demanding” or “telling”, it is the accurate mindset here. Tell her your view and your expectations.

Yes, it is an expectation. And yes, resentment will rise if/when it goes unmet. You only control you. She controls herself. Politely tell her, and see what arrangements she can make and her required timeframe. People will treat us as we allow.

D

[CanBird]

I don't know if you watched "Blades of Glory" but I was thinking of...

"Hey, help yourself to the YouTube all you want, but don’t even look at the Verticoli."

Maybe it could be a good practice for your assertiveness. Asking for help.

What would you tell me to do?

Hilarious.. I know the movie but didn't remember that clip...Funny....

I'm getting better at asking for help, it's a pride thing. What would I tell you? It depends on what kind of help you're asking for, but yes being assertive is a big part of it. I try to take care of things myself, and when I can't I do ask for help.
I've never had to ask for financial help. Asking my dad is one thing, asking my sister who has never had money is another story, which I will go into in reply to Gerda...

[CanBird]

Hi Gerda.

CanB, I don't understand this stuff about your sister. She took your family's house and then sold it and kept all the money?

Nine years ago, our mother died. My dad eventually put the family home up for sale. My sister was going through a "hard time" with her Longtime boyfriend, and was looking to leave him. My dad wanted to help her (again... he's always helped her). My father took the family home off the market and gave it to my sister. Basically, here's a house that's paid for. It's yours. Pay property tax and bills. It's yours. Do what you want. She got a FREE house. At the time, my dad never put anything in writing regarding giving her the house (ie... if you sell the family house, your sister gets half). And that brings us to sister selling the house. She told my dad she was going to sell it and he's told me this as well, it's her house, she can do what she wants. Still, nothing in writing. He asked her if she was sure it was the right thing to do, and what would she do buy again? **These two have argued all their lives, to the point where police get called. Dad means well, but he has a harsh tone. Can be a bit of an "Archie Bunker" kind of guy. He's always been hard on her, and I don't know why; they've always butted heads**. She sold the house. My dad congratulated her, and asked if she was going to give me half. My sister's reply, "But you said it was my house and I could do what I wanted with it".... My father has begged and pleaded with her to give me something, and told her my situation. The REALLY got into it, boyfriend always gives his two cents, and unfortunetly the 18y old grandson had to hear this. They all asked my dad to leave. One at a time asked him to leave the house. My dad wrote my sister a letter, he admitted he made a mistake about not putting something in writing. My dad feels horrible, he's really mad/disappointed in himself for not putting something in writing. And at the same time, he can't believe after all he's done for my sister over the years, she hasn't offered me anything.

How is asking for your share asking for help? You don't need her help, just like you don't need H's help. You just need your share. Why isn't your dad insisting that you get your share? That money could allow you to keep your house! Why isn't your family being supportive of you at this time?(My family isn't supportive at all, financially. But it is what families should do, so don't get confused. I have several friends whose parents bought out the ex-spouse's share of the house so that the LBS and kids could stay there without having to go to court.)

I've talked with my sister about her sale of the house. I don't expect anything, but I did ask her, if I need help, can I ask you. *I didn't know how else to talk about it*. Asking for "My Share" didn't seem right, but I get what you're saying. At the time, she said yes, of course, but "It's tied up in funds for the next 1-5 or may it's 1-3 years.... she'll have to talk to the lawyer about it.... there's penalties...." I shared this with my father, and he thinks she's full of it. And then she shares that they plan to move to the East Coast (currently living central part of Canada. She and bf don't work; on long term disability).

My dad HAS insisted that I get my share, as stated above. He's is very supportive, and is willing to help me however he can. He feels terrible and I'm giving you the sugar coated version, he usually curses at himself, for not putting something in writing. I'm sure he has sleepless nights over it. Whatever one gets the other one gets. You help family, no matter what. He helps everyone out. The grandkids too. But my sister, and her partner/boyfriend of 20 +yrs, have other plans. I'm sure he has A Lot to say in this... like f them. I know he thinks I'm a princess, and my own sister has said I've got it made ...no worries (that was before the divorce), things have changed. I'm doing the best I can and I have the support of my father for everything. And other family are there emotionally. That is all I expect, is to have my family there to be there emotionally. If they can help in any other way, then great. Money is a hard thing for me to ask for.

I battled and battle fear quite a lot, some kind of shame, that I am in the way, that I don't have the right. You often have those feelings with your H, BIL, boss, etc. Me too.

Maybe I am missing something about the story, and I wouldn't take her to court or anything like that, but I would most certainly stand up for yourself. [quote=Gerda]

Yeah, I have internal battles. Maybe it's my ADHD? ( I have ADHD). This MLC/Divorce has heightened my stress/anxiety to levels I didn't think we're possible and the pandemic too. I've been told I'm too kind/nice. I don't like to rock the boat. Maybe a door mat? Too passive? There's a lot going on in my head. I don't want to burden or bother anyone with my problems. Is that shame? I guess it could be.



What Gerda would say as CanBird...

[quote=Gerda]
Hey, Sister, how are things out your way today? Hope all is good!

Congrats on selling the house! Hooray! I want to make sure I get my half as quickly as possible, I really need it right now as I start my new life and make sure that D has a stable place to live. Feel free to take a credit for whatever you spent on improvements or other selling costs. Let me know if you want my routing number or how you want to do it. I'd like to get it into my account by X so I can prequalify for a refinance. Thanks and talk to you soon! Say Hi to BF! Love, CanB.

The house sold in November. I was never brought into the conversation before it went on the market or after. My dad was the one who filled me in on the details. I called and congratulated her, and we had a discussion, mentioned above... she was upset, crying because of the argument her and my dad got in...asked me if I was going to lose my house... I said not at the moment, but there may come I time when I need help.,... can I call you and ask you for help if I need it? And she said yes... but it's tied up.... OH and she needs a to buy a house too.

Yes, I've got to figure out what to say to her. She knows my situation. Like Rolling Stones say, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need".

Thank you Gerda

[CanBird]

Hello D,

Hello Can

I had similar questions as Gerda of the sale of the childhood home and not sharing of the profits. Her suggestion to be more forthright is a good one. Splitting the house sale does sound like what your father wanted and wants. However, a deal is only as good as the paper it is written upon. I suspect the gifting of the house to sister was better documented and the future sharing was left to her goodwill. Sister not speaking with her Dad over this issue says volumes.

You suspected right. House was gifted to sister, nothing documented. Father wants sister to split sales profit, sister is doing what she wants because she was told "It's your house, do whatever you want".

Asking is an interesting mindset and is often not actually what one is doing. Asking implies you are willing to accept the answer - yes or no. Most times people ask to be polite, when really they are telling or demanding. Don’t read too much harshness into “demanding” or “telling”, it is the accurate mindset here. Tell her your view and your expectations.

Yes, it is an expectation. And yes, resentment will rise if/when it goes unmet. You only control you. She controls herself. Politely tell her, and see what arrangements she can make and her required timeframe. People will treat us as we allow.

D, you have such a way with words, as does Gerda. I will use what you've both said and figure out what comes off best for me.

Thanks for the advice.

[CanBird]

Journaling... It's been raining, flash-flood warnings (torrential downpours) for the last couple of days & nights. I've got a sliding door that's had water dripping from it. Never a good thing when water comes in. I got up on the ladder to see what I could see... didn't go on the roof.. but knew it needed to be looked at. In the meantime I used some caulking to fill in gaps where water was dripping from outside. Well, that didn't do anything.. Water came in last night. I took a video and had already placed buckets to catch water and MacGyverd something outside to keep water out. I did eventually stop, which was weird, because the rain hasn't stopped...

I text 2 of my neighbors that are handy. I have no problem calling these handy guys up. We take care of each other. Well, they help me out...lol... any way, one came over today, while the rain was just a pouring. I showed him the problem, and he was on my roof in a matter of seconds to trouble shoot the source. And BAM! He found a nail that was sticking up. The house has solar hot water for the house and pool, and regular solar panels. LOTS going on up there. A lot of dirt had built up, and water wasn't able to drain properly. Neighbor was barefoot, on the roof, getting soaked and he power hosed/cleaned the dirt & debris, made it so water could flow. He'll be back to patch up around nails and anything else. HOW AMAZING is that! I'm SO lucky to have neighbors like this. When they say CALL ANYTIME, I do not hesitate.

That was the high point in my day. Besides that, D4 had a perfect dental appointment. She LOVES going to see doctor's of any kind. SERIOUSLY loves it. We then started watching the Star Wars movies. She's right into it. Our friend lent us almost all of them. We've seen the first two, Return of the Jedi will be next. D4 does the best Darth Vedor impression.

[AndrewP]

Years ago there was an older lady who lived alone in the house next door. She had problems with ice and water building up on her roof and I would go over a couple of times each winter to clear it off for her.

She made great deviled eggs. My wife would be annoyed because she also had no idea of the standard serving of whiskey and would give me a big water glass full while we visited after I cleared her roof off.

Roofs are generally not designed to have water lay on them - smart thinking of your neighbour. Water leaks are tricky because where the water comes out can often be far away from where it comes in.

[job]

I am so glad that your neighbors are close by and will help you out. Leaks are nothing to play with and the damage they cause can be rather costly. Hopefully, you just need some minor repairs when it clears up.

[97Hope]

What a blessing to have the help!!!

Google the videos of the little girl who LOVES Darth Vader. lol IDK why but the picture of your D4 in my head is that personality!! I was a peds dental assistant - kids like yours were such a JOY! <3