Kml: XH hasn't talked to D4 in awhile, and I'm very careful not to talk about certain things when she's within earshot, so no chance of her overhearing anything. She associates Christmas with him coming home.
DnJ: I like what you said for a reply to D4, "That’s a good question. I don’t know when Dad is planning on coming home. I’ll ask him".
That's kind of how I've been steering the conversation, but haven't added the asking dad part.
As much as I want to reach out and have a conversation with XH about certain things, I'm afraid he'll just come out swinging with questions about my plans for the house. Guess I could always say that I'd like to address D4 , and just dismiss everything else, for the moment.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
I’m glad you like the suggested answer. Adding the asking Dad part gives D4 closure and takes the pressure off you (of course you need to actually ask Dad ).
Originally Posted by CanBird
As much as I want to reach out and have a conversation with XH about certain things, I'm afraid he'll just come out swinging with questions about my plans for the house. Guess I could always say that I'd like to address D4 , and just dismiss everything else, for the moment.
(((Hugs)))
Fear.
Let go of it.
XH’s desire and need to fight and create and reinforce his feelings of justification is just that - His need. His feelings. His reinforcement.
Your fear (and reinforcement of your feeling) regarding the pending fight is amplifying your emotions and paralyzing you.
First off, the “pending” fight hasn’t happened. Second, the fight might not even happen - probably won’t happen. You are making it real, pulling a possible future event forward, and creating present day paralyzing and problems for something imagined that hasn’t even happened. Third, there will be no fight. Yes, read that again. There will be no fight.
You control you. Boundaries my dear.
It takes two to fight. If XH starts a fight - walk away. Tell him, in no uncertain term, “Hey! Listen, I’m not fighting with you. D4 is wondering when you are going to be around to see her, and I would like to pass your answer on to her.”
If he balks or returns to fighting over the house (or anything else), reiterate you want an answer for D4 first, then we can discuss the house. And it is discuss not fight. If you fight - I am hanging up.
You do not want to dismiss his concerns. It’s as you stated, just for the moment, until you get a schedule/answer for D4. By the way, the answer may be he doesn’t know when he’ll be around. That’s ok too. Whatever it is - it is.
Regarding a discussion: Set the ground rules for the discussion. We will remain calm and look at various options. We are working towards finding solution or resolution we both feel is workable. We will each consider the ideas and in subsequent meetings finalize the agreement.
Now, I realize that is a mouthful and earful for XH and his muddled mind. (That’s mostly for you anyhow) He probably wants a quick resolution. It’s ok to think on your feet and listen to his ideas. Get him talking and offering and negotiating. A resolution started from an MLCer has a much higher chance of actually been accepted by them since it is their idea, rather than something proposed by the LBS.
Set aside your fears. By a great margin our fearful projections are much worse than what actually happens. And by the way, once it happens, it is no longer some feared possible future event, it is present and become just another concern to deal with. We do not fear that which is right of in front and being dealt with. Fear is always about a future which hasn’t (and usually doesn’t) happened yet.
The house and the necessary conversations regarding it, have many possible outcomes. You want to feel fearless? Pull the house conversation forward and on your terms. It is no longer imagined. The myriad of possibilities collapses into one present situation; the dissolvement of joint ownership of the house asset.
A while back I advised you to seek and learn what you want; rent, own, move, sell, buy out, etc... To not try to live some arrangement you actually don’t want as that cost is far too high. From what you’ve said, you want to stay in the house. And keep the rental and hopefully the renters of course. In short, buy out XH, and keep the properties and houses.
Go to the bank. Talk to the lending institution and lay out your finical picture. Tell them you want to buy out XH and then have sole ownership and mortgage on the house(s). See what needs to be done to accomplish that. You need answers so you can make a plan and strategy to get there.
Perhaps they would be unwilling to lend with your employment still on probation. Maybe. Maybe not. Nothing to fear over. The bank’s view won’t change whether you know about it or not. However, knowledge is power. Your view and possibilities will change; and you can find a suitable financial path. Perhaps the bank will require 6 more months of employment before lending to you. Good, a timeline. Something you and XH can agree upon and move forward with.
I figure from your crunching of numbers, you feel you can handle the mortgage payment. The $118,000 can probably be whittled down to $100,000 as a lump sum. I would figure that could be rolled into the new mortgage as you are going to need to refinance anyhow. So same payment, just extends the mortgage. And do use a lawyer for this disentangling of asset. Once you and XH can agree in principle, get a lawyer to do the paperwork and all the extra legal stuff, and there is plenty XH will need to sign off.
The laws and rights do vary from place to place. My XW had to sign off on the house, her rights to the house under the homesteader act, she had to sign off on the joint accounts and the overdraft that the house’s equity was underwriting, and so on and so on. That legal expertise is one of the best things I’ve ever spent money on - it’s so worth it.
Did you get your Christmas shopping done? For me, I got all the gift delivered and can now put my feet up.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
D - I don’t think she actually makes enough to qualify for a mortgage, so she would be depending on a family member to co-sign, which may or may not be an option. It’s a risky proposition. I agree that talking to the bank or a mortgage broker could give her a better idea of her options. A compromise might be to get ex to agree to staying on the mortgage, while she makes the payments and uses the rental income to keep up the property, then selling it in 1-2 years after she has more work track record. But he may not agree, he wants his cash.
My day started off with a phone call to see what's happening with our mortgage, as the forbearance period is coming to an end and will need to have action taken on it. I was given authorization to take action, a few months ago, however, the mortgage servicer has now changed hands and they require a NEW authorization form to be submitted by XH.
So, I emailed him. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I had authorization before, so why not now? We'll see if he bites. *I also scanned & sent him whatever mail came regarding the change over from old to new servicer.
I also thought, since my hands were on the keyboard, it was a good time to address XH about D4, and her wanting to know about her dad. I really hope he has something to say.
Now I'm off to the post office to send out 2 mortgage payments to the new servicer. XH agreed, via text, months ago, that I could write checks for partial payments, from our old joint account. (My name is also on the checks)
Got D4's gifts all ready and they are hidden in my closet. Not much to wrap, as I like to use those cloth gift bags. She's fine with them too. Less mess for mom & we can use them year after year
That's all for now. Taking BIG DEEP Breaths and still breathing.
xo
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
You sound great! You are shining w/confidence and I am glad you went ahead and notified him about the mortgage, the mail and yes, your little girl. I and hoping and praying that he will respond back and very, very soon.
You have come a very long way and I'm so proud of you!
Merry Christmas to your and your little one!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Fingers crossed that XH responds sooner than later.
Hiding the kids’ gifts in the closet. Such wonderful sweet memories.
I made sure the Santa used different wrapping paper. Those particular rolls were never used for any other gifts. Children are so perceptive. They see and put so much together.
Have a wonderful Christmas.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I made sure the Santa used different wrapping paper. Those particular rolls were never used for any other gifts. Children are so perceptive. They see and put so much together.
LOL - My youngest is 26 and I still do that
I've not been following along CanBird - but I just wanted to comment on the thread title change. I think that one of the things for many of us LBS to realize is that we actually have most of the power and the agency to make choices. I spent a "lot" of time being passive and waiting for my now ex to "come to her senses".
Last edited by AndrewP; 12/23/2001:59 PM.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
My sister made some cloth bags years ago and I LOVE them - I should buy some Xmas fabric on sale after the holidays and make some more for next year, I only have a few. They are so fast and easy AND environmentally sound!
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