Tonight I brushed My daughters cheek in bed and it was wet. It was dark so I asked her if she was crying and she said yes. I asked why and she said she didnít know.
I learned it is better to reflect the feeling back in words...IE "Are you sad?" or "It is OK to be sad"..."Would you like a hug?" The why doesn't matter...letting her know that you understand how she is FEELING is the important part. Emotional bonding. I have held my children countless times and let them cry. Of course, letting them express there anger was also my job. Being a safe place to release all their emotions was my job.
Do I bring this up to my STBXW? Iím not sure whether or not she recognizes the impact this is having on the kids. It feels like itís worth a conversation; it could also just be me looking to guilt trip her. Thoughts?
Nope. No talking needed. Keep validating your kids feelings. Emotional release is extremely important. Guide your children in this.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I'd be curious what co-parenting issues are arising where you feel therapy would be helpful?
I had so few interactions with my ex-wife the first few years of marriage I couldn't see how this would have helped. Maybe if we were butting heads over school/medical choices, couldn't stand being in the same room, or our kids had special needs. If you are having such issues, sounds wise! I have consulted therapists on how to best help my kids through issues, and leveraged CPS to ensure appropriate care.
I would have to say I agree with MWD but only before separation and (most important) ONLY if both parents agree to the divorce itself and the "scope" of the counseling (kids only). Otherwise I think the risk of making things WORSE is too high.
So in your situation (and my own) I would say no. If you have questions this board is a great resource for co-parenting.
Last edited by Mumin; 12/17/2008:33 AM.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
You guys sure like to hire coaches and counselors. I know you make good money, but donít waste it .
Itís pretty simple. Use a shared calendar. Discuss things kid related only. When exchanging pass off any pertinent information. I also agree this is only beneficial for a husband and wife who mutually agreed to the divorce.
Just do your thing, she does hers, communicate when needed and your kids will be just fine
We walked through noting all the improvements and when we were done I mentioned some structural concerns that she had pointed out for years. When I brought that up she shot me a gaze that said she wanted me dead. I simply donít understand her anger.
It's pretty simple, she thinks you're trying to rip her off and devalue the house so that she gets a smaller settlement. My XW did the same, she would send me random notes informing me I needed to tell the appraiser "______" (fill in the blank). One example was there was a murder in our neighborhood and the home went up for sale, she told me I needed to tell the appraiser to remove that home from the appraisal because it would "artificially" deflate the value of our home. The home in question was not even in the appraisal but whatever!
I havenít done anything, this is all her. It doesnít make sense at all, itís ridiculous.
Itís confusing. Iíve given her every thing over the years. She stayed at home and could do anything she wanted, I donít understand where this anger comes from.
It's probably not anger, more like frustration and aggravation. She's done with you, she's done with the M, and she can't close everything out fast enough. That's pretty typical. This is going to be tough to hear but you need to understand what you are up against- she doesn't love you right now. She doesn't like you right now. You may even repulse her. This is temporary, her feelings towards you WILL change even if you don't recon. But it's going to take a long, long time. And until she has a change of heart, you have really got to try and understand her mindset and the fact that she can't stand to be in the same room as you. You need to respect that even if you hate it. Allow her the space she wants. There's a line from Game of Thrones where Cersei tells someone "Every breath you draw in my presence annoys me." That's your W's attitude about you for the time being.
This is going to be tough to hear but you need to understand what you are up against- she doesn't love you right now. She doesn't like you right now. You may even repulse her. This is temporary, her feelings towards you WILL change even if you don't recon. But it's going to take a long, long time. And until she has a change of heart, you have really got to try and understand her mindset and the fact that she can't stand to be in the same room as you. You need to respect that even if you hate it. Allow her the space she wants.
Itís true what they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Itís also true that you have to go for what you want in life and take relentless action to make it happen. However, when it comes to intimate, personal and professional negotiations, the person who has the most to lose is in the weaker position of leverage. Right now Scotty you are in that position and it is new to you and you don't like it. By knowing what you want and loving and valuing yourself, you can set and enforce healthy boundaries to make sure EVERYONE in your life belongs there because they have proven through their actions that they deserve the gift of your time. This ensures that you never settle for less than what you are capable of having and creating in your life, because those that are not a match simply get bounced out of your life permanently.
M:51 W:46 T:22 M:16 S:15 D:11
ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith