I would amend it slightly--a happy face around your boys makes sense, but you don't need to put on a show for your stbxw or her parents.
Good point - I can do that. I wonder about her parents because they love me. I don't see her telling them anything more than we're separated. Her mom still chats with me on FB and I am pretty sure they'll be gutted if they found out she's doing what I'm guessing she's doing.
My XW's parents liked me. They may have been gutted, but they moved on quickly. It's their daughter.
I agree with the others. I wouldn't respond to that text--especially if you have a WW. It seems like you'll respond because you are still at that stage.
In the meantime, another question. So in years past she has handled the majority of the Xmas wrapping duties because A) I hate wrapping presents and B) I suck at wrapping presents. So we have all the presents for the kids being wrapped and I was thinking me wrapping them would be a 180 - thoughts?
Wrap the presents. You are old enough to learn how.
This is some wayward wife's dream scenario. I knew a real-life couple who did this. Ended terribly for the one who wanted to keep the relationship alive (frequently finding used condoms upset him).
So I responded (you all knew I would!) but at least I waited 9 hours FWIW. I just said that yes we had a good time and within a minute she responded "cool!" and that's been it. She went and liked all the photos I've put on Facebook of me and the boys.
Definitely feeling more defeated this morning. Just had a nice little breakdown but luckily the kids are all asleep. More and more I wake up to the fact that things are really bad and going to get worse. I was in denial with the way she would be so nice to me and reach out to me, but she was just pitying me. So now I'm moving more into the angry phase I guess. I'm also really wondering if it is worth it. Because right now in some ways I don't think so, but in other ways I can't imagine it not working out. Got me wondering - how many people around here who have reconciled went on to live happily ever after? Or was it just a temporary fix and eventually things took their course? It seems like most are in the "I'm divorced now but happier than ever camp" which is both frightening and encouraging at the same time. I'm just wondering how long do I continue this before I realize I'm torturing myself for no good reason and instead just be the one to end it.
So I responded (you all knew I would!) but at least I waited 9 hours FWIW.
Wow she must have been on pins and needles lol.
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
I just said that yes we had a good time and within a minute she responded "cool!" and that's been it. She went and liked all the photos I've put on Facebook of me and the boys.
It's never the response your looking for that is why it pointless because you have expectations.
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
Definitely feeling more defeated this morning. Just had a nice little breakdown but luckily the kids are all asleep.
This is good salty good. This will continue for more then likely years.
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
More and more I wake up to the fact that things are really bad and going to get worse.
Yes so prepare yourself. It ha to get worse before it gets better.
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
I was in denial with the way she would be so nice to me and reach out to me, but she was just pitying me.
You are a wise man Salty dog. You don't need her fuching pity.
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
It seems like most are in the "I'm divorced now but happier than ever camp" which is both frightening and encouraging at the same time.
Although it's impossible for you to see at the time, this is 100% survivable no matter how it goes. I've been happier divorced than I was for years being married. I 100% believe in marriage, and I miss the feeling and comfort of "being married" but I do not miss my ex at all, and her behavior should not have been tolerated for as long as it was. At the time I couldn't see it, I thought she was the most wonderful woman ever, and that certainly I could fix this. I was wrong on both counts.
This is the value of hind sight, and unfortunately for most people, you can't absorb it until you're ready.
So I responded (you all knew I would!) but at least I waited 9 hours FWIW. I just said that yes we had a good time and within a minute she responded "cool!" and that's been it. She went and liked all the photos I've put on Facebook of me and the boys.
Definitely feeling more defeated this morning. Just had a nice little breakdown but luckily the kids are all asleep. More and more I wake up to the fact that things are really bad and going to get worse. I was in denial with the way she would be so nice to me and reach out to me, but she was just pitying me. So now I'm moving more into the angry phase I guess. I'm also really wondering if it is worth it. Because right now in some ways I don't think so, but in other ways I can't imagine it not working out. Got me wondering - how many people around here who have reconciled went on to live happily ever after? Or was it just a temporary fix and eventually things took their course? It seems like most are in the "I'm divorced now but happier than ever camp" which is both frightening and encouraging at the same time. I'm just wondering how long do I continue this before I realize I'm torturing myself for no good reason and instead just be the one to end it.
Salty, it is within your power to pull the plug and go file for D yourself anytime. We tell LBSs that all the time. I encourage you to do that once you reach the point where you are okay with being D, are tired of waiting for your WAS, and decide you want to move on with your life. But not before. And certainly not as a ploy to try to "wake her up".
But yes, there are a lot of posters here that ended up D'd and went on to happiness post D. But it is because they did the work of focusing on themselves, GAL, 180ing and becoming the best version of themselves they can be, and detaching and learning to be happy by yourself. Those that try to short cut that usually do not stay around because they are miserable.
But we also have a group of people that went on to save their MR, but they that group tends to leave the board. Occasionally we get updates from them, as we just recently did from a former poster that did end up saving his MR. A lot of people come here in crisis, but once the crisis is past, either way, they tend to leave the board.
The key here is Salty that whether you save your MR, or you don't. Your happiness is your own responsibility! That is why R2C always says to never stop DBing! Even if you save your MR, you continue to GAL, to improve yourself, and to be healthily detached (some call it self-differentiation, you can google self-differentiation in marriage). The gift we all go on BD was to be awakened and to stop sleep-walking through life! I know my life since the middle of 2018 has been way better than it was prior to BD. That is the one dirty little secret most LBS refuse to face. More than likely they were pretty miserable themselves before the D bomb got dropped on them.
Only you know when the time is right to pull the plug, but you will know it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Salty, it is within your power to pull the plug and go file for D yourself anytime. We tell LBSs that all the time. I encourage you to do that once you reach the point where you are okay with being D, are tired of waiting for your WAS, and decide you want to move on with your life. But not before. And certainly not as a ploy to try to "wake her up".
No, I wouldn't use that as a ploy and didn't even think of it that way before you mentioned it. Last night and this morning were just rough and I wanted to end things to hopefully end the pain. Which won't, I know that, but it gives you a twisted sense of power and control when you feel like you have none over the situation.
Originally Posted by Steve85
The gift we all go on BD was to be awakened and to stop sleep-walking through life! I know my life since the middle of 2018 has been way better than it was prior to BD. That is the one dirty little secret most LBS refuse to face. More than likely they were pretty miserable themselves before the D bomb got dropped on them.
I read through my journal last night and it was eye opening how miserable I was. Which seems dumb since it is MY journal. But it was like reading someone else's and thinking "why are you staying with her?" Of course the flip side is I tend to journal when I'm upset so what I'm reading isn't a complete representation of the relationship but a view of all the sh!t.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Only you know when the time is right to pull the plug, but you will know it.
I hope you're right because right now I don't "know" how I feel from hour to hour and I sure don't trust how I feel. But I guess as long as there is ambiguity and not certainty it is worth sticking it out.
So I responded (you all knew I would!) but at least I waited 9 hours FWIW. I just said that yes we had a good time and within a minute she responded "cool!" and that's been it. She went and liked all the photos I've put on Facebook of me and the boys.
SaltyDog, props for waiting 9 hours when your comfort zone was 1-2 hours. That's progress! Now that you see she wasn't shocked or on pins and needles, you may be able to act even stronger next time.
Just got a message from her - she got a reminder about our MC appointment on Friday. She wasn't planning on joining because she's out of town and the video-conferencing only allows 1 person to join but asked if I was going to go, and if not we would need to cancel.
One time in the past where I wasn't able to join she put me on speaker and we did the session that way. She obviously isn't brining that up as an option. I am planning on attending no matter what. Just wondering if I should throw out there a way for her to join as well when I respond or just say "I will attend." and leave it at that.
