I just want to say how much I empathize. I have loosely followed along. The double betrayal of WH having an A with a good friend is an indescribable type of pain. I questioned everything I thought I knew about my life, my relationships around me and who I am as a person. I am around the same age as you and now several years has passed since my sitch started. So much will change. Sometimes the best we can do is be open to that. But always be true to yourself and your gut feelings. There are no perfect answers in this mess. I feel you, I do.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I just want to say how much I empathize. I have loosely followed along. The double betrayal of WH having an A with a good friend is an indescribable type of pain. I questioned everything I thought I knew about my life, my relationships around me and who I am as a person. I am around the same age as you and now several years has passed since my sitch started. So much will change. Sometimes the best we can do is be open to that. But always be true to yourself and your gut feelings. There are no perfect answers in this mess. I feel you, I do.
Blu
The only thing I would remove is the word "good" in front of the word "friend". No such thing in this circumstance.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You are correct, Steve, she wasn’t a “friend” at all. I do think that the double betrayal is sooooo deeply painful for anyone tho. For years, I saw her (or spoke with her, texted her, etc) several times a week. We had dinner with our families every Friday night and took family vacations. We cared for one another’s children and they trusted us like aunts/ uncles. Our “friendship” was a very big part of my day to day life. I shared things with this woman about my own marriage ....
So to find out my H was having an A with her was beyond hurtful, it was also confusing and humiliating! It was my own history being rewritten before my eyes. I Also lost an additional person I thought was a friend and we need those people for support when our M falls apart. It was so raw and complicated and I started to question everything I thought I knew about myself and my relationships with people around me. My Hs A wasn’t an invisible person I could choose to ignore.
I’m not sure if Oceangrl had a similar experience but I do imagine it was hard and confusing.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
You are correct, Steve, she wasn’t a “friend” at all. I do think that the double betrayal is sooooo deeply painful for anyone tho. For years, I saw her (or spoke with her, texted her, etc) several times a week. We had dinner with our families every Friday night and took family vacations. We cared for one another’s children and they trusted us like aunts/ uncles. Our “friendship” was a very big part of my day to day life. I shared things with this woman about my own marriage ....
So to find out my H was having an A with her was beyond hurtful, it was also confusing and humiliating! It was my own history being rewritten before my eyes. I Also lost an additional person I thought was a friend and we need those people for support when our M falls apart. It was so raw and complicated and I started to question everything I thought I knew about myself and my relationships with people around me. My Hs A wasn’t an invisible person I could choose to ignore.
I’m not sure if Oceangrl had a similar experience but I do imagine it was hard and confusing.
Blu
Oh Blu. I feel this so much. There is this certain crazy-making pain involved with this. One day, you *think* you're life is pretty normal. And then you find you are on Planet Crazy, where nothing is certain and you can't count on anyone or anything. I have felt like I cannot figure out what is real and what is true. It took me a couple years to decide that I would be friends with women again. That I couldn't let her ruin that for me. It traumatized me so much. We too went on girls trips together and I told her things about my life and marriage while they were in a relationship. Confusing and humiliating is such a good description. I felt so stupid. Our kids had relationships together, we did holidays together. It is sick sick sick. To have my husband tell me right after that she was his best friend and so much more. Ugh. Puke.
The only positive about it I would say, and that's reaching, is that because I knew her I couldn't romanticize her. Like a made-up person who has everything I didn't. In his twisted eyes, she did have wonderful things. But I knew the truth that she was just a regular person with pros and cons. I was actually younger and more attractive. But she has a really strong personality she likes (ironically, he criticizes my strong personality, but since when did affairs make any sense?).
My heart goes out to you, and you truly know what it is like. Thank you for sharing with me.
me: 46 h: 49 m: 24 T: 27 DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019 Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
He is out of town until Friday night. It makes it easier because I feel like I can take a break to think and and sort my feelings out. I feel like a yoyo in my thoughts and feelings.
I haven't had my own life in a long time. And then I was chasing him for awhile after the sky fell. So as far as GALing goes, lately I've learned how to make bread. I know that sounds a little lame, but it is so satisfying and soothing to knead bread and make something from scratch. I feel like it helps me connect with myself. I am also trying to establish a good morning routine before my kids are up. They are distance learning so our schedule has been off. I want to look into a gym so I can value and take care of myself, and connect with that side of me.
For a long time I felt shame over the way I handled his affair. I was needy and chasing and desperate to fix it all. Now I give myself a break. I was in absolute trauma and everything I *knew* to be true was blown up. It's given me an opportunity to learn how to value myself and connect with myself.
me: 46 h: 49 m: 24 T: 27 DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019 Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
I don’t want to hijack your thread, but thank you for posting about this. You really have me thinking — it’s quite different to know the OW personally. While the double betrayal felt twice as painful, I also never imagined her to be something better than she was. I knew her and she was a fuching mess of a person. I am not only saying that as a scorned woman, but this lady was the one we all knew and joked about as being the most messed up, crazy and all over the map “friend” in our circle. I made a lot of excuses for her bad behaviors for years! Because hey, that’s just how she is. She was the crazy one that did shocking things, she was the flirt and hypersexual and she was soooo damaged (her words) that she couldn’t share her feelings.
Yes, that certainly is how she is. Damaged. Now, I just trust if someone seems like a messy person, I accept what they show me and I just stay away. Now, because of this understanding, I have been able to create some beautiful friendships with some amazing women. But the trauma is real. I hope you can heal from that and find your people — they are out there :-)
Blu
Folks, if it looks like chit and smells like chit, don’t taste it, it’s chit!
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
For a long time I felt shame over the way I handled his affair. I was needy and chasing and desperate to fix it all. Now I give myself a break. I was in absolute trauma and everything I *knew* to be true was blown up. It's given me an opportunity to learn how to value myself and connect with myself.
100% on all points. I wish we could sit down one day and talk about this! I’m 6-7 years down the road. Things will continue to change, evolve and eventually make more sense. I dont have regrets anymore. And I was a disaster — I think people here would be shocked to know what I did when I learned about the A and then after he left me for her. I did the unthinkable! It’s almost funny, but its not.
Today, I don’t have the same mindset because I have healed. That is who I was and that is what I did. By bringing forward my most ugly self, I have also been given the gift of insight and understanding. I have had to look into that darkness and really dig deep. I have healed myself from passed wounds that otherwise were so easy to hide. I’m a much stronger and happier person now. So are my relationships. So I cannot pick and choose what part of my history to keep or erase, it’s all still there, but I can certainly change my perspective on how I view it.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
For a long time I felt shame over the way I handled his affair. I was needy and chasing and desperate to fix it all. Now I give myself a break. I was in absolute trauma and everything I *knew* to be true was blown up. It's given me an opportunity to learn how to value myself and connect with myself.
100% on all points. I wish we could sit down one day and talk about this! I’m 6-7 years down the road. Things will continue to change, evolve and eventually make more sense. I dont have regrets anymore. And I was a disaster — I think people here would be shocked to know what I did when I learned about the A and then after he left me for her. I did the unthinkable! It’s almost funny, but its not.
Today, I don’t have the same mindset because I have healed. That is who I was and that is what I did. By bringing forward my most ugly self, I have also been given the gift of insight and understanding. I have had to look into that darkness and really dig deep. I have healed myself from passed wounds that otherwise were so easy to hide. I’m a much stronger and happier person now. So are my relationships. So I cannot pick and choose what part of my history to keep or erase, it’s all still there, but I can certainly change my perspective on how I view it.
Blu
Completely and totally! I am such a different person now. Thankfully . And to your above post, the OW in my case is very attractive on the outside...seems to be a power woman and is very flirtatious with men. She makes them feel very good which in turn gives her attention and makes her fee good. What I have watched is that women and men think she's great for about a year and then the cracks start showing. The reality. The manipulation, the fakeness, the controlling behaviors and power plays. I have watched that process. Except for my H of course, who decided to just have an A. Eyeroll. It was hard for both of them because they are both very much into image. Looking like the ultimate "good person," family person, religious person, etc. They did a lot to cover it up so that no one would find out.
me: 46 h: 49 m: 24 T: 27 DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019 Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
I also wish we could get together outside of this forum. Even a reunion or something! I would love the support and value so many supportive friendships on here.
Last edited by Oceangl; 12/15/2005:58 PM.
me: 46 h: 49 m: 24 T: 27 DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019 Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
Does anyone else have a night where they are just mad?? I mean so mad?
I think it's a good thing he is out of town this week. It gives me more space and less pressure. I can take the opportunity to just feel it and hopefully work through it.
Our MC gave us an assignment I didn't want to do. To write 3 things we can do for the other, and 3 things we need from them. Well, I've worked really hard to not need anything from him or expect it. But I did the dumb assignment (I sound like I'm 3, lol). I decided to go for it and I put that I needed to have hard conversations daily. I asked for support with the kids regarding chores, etc, and also to connect with me 15 mins a day. I KNOW he won't do it. But I did it anyway. The things I offered were to listen to him calmly and respectfully when he tells me how he feels, to respect his opinions, and to do the best to have a peaceful Christmas.
His list: He offered to 1. cook breakfasts for me 2. spend time with me or as a family taking walks drives or other active activities and 3. while on vacation after Christmas to make sure we were able to do the Christmas events I want to do also. He will help plan and make sure they happen (this is because last year we only did what he wanted). What he needs from me: 1. be friendly, in good spirits and supportive while staying with his family 2. be consistent with him and the kids 3. enjoy the time we have with the families, enjoy the activities where we are all together.
His list super pissed me off because first, I have never wanted him to make breakfast for me. I like to cook and its not something I need or appreciate. I mean of course I DO appreciate it, but it's not a big thing for me. When he asked a couple of years ago I made a list of things that I do appreciate and want. That's not on it. And what he wants from me -- I don't even know what 'be consistent' is about, but I do know he wants me to be happy and bubbly all the time. He doesn't want me to ever cry or have a hard time. I don't know if I've written about it here, but I did all the healing after his 2 year A on my own. He didn't want anything to do with it and felt like if I cried it was because I wanted to make him feel bad or I was being manipulative. And the OW in his eyes was happy all the time. Listen, I think if I were having an A and never had to worry about kids, bills, laundry, life, etc, with someone I would be dang happy all the time, too. Even with all that has happened, I think I've done an amazing job and am usually pretty happy most of the time -- for me, not to be something for him. And I am always friendly to his family, I play games and hang out with them, so I'm not sure what that is about. I am sure that there is defensiveness surfacing here on my part, but I am so sensitive to criticism since I felt criticized for so long.
I'm embarrassed for doing the assignment as I knew it was a no-win in the first place.
So I'm mad tonight because of it, and I'm mad because this could very well be our last Christmas as a together-family-unit and that's heavy to carry. I'm mad because I want to ask him to move out next month. I'm mad because I might be divorced and I don't want to lose my house. Not for materialistic reasons, but because we bought this house on a short sale and I've worked so hard to fix it up. I love it, and I love my great oak trees in the backyard that have brought me so much happiness.
I'm mad because I believe she will always be amazing in his eyes, I'm mad that he loved her, I'm mad that there is a comparison, and I'm mad I'm in a bad situation and it's going to be brutal to get out of it all.
I just don't know how to respond to anything and I'm so tired. I have to apologize because I'm not sure this post made any sense at all.
Last edited by Oceangl; 12/17/2004:07 AM.
me: 46 h: 49 m: 24 T: 27 DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019 Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
