I’ve only been posting about a month but I’ve read some threads where the reasons our MLC spouse gave for giving up on the marriage seemed a little frivolous, but left us reeling. Along with 2 substantive ones (not enough physical attention, I complained too much) I got:
Sloppy bed Left toilet seat up Left the kitchen a mess
Now I can’t argue with the first two, but I cleaned the kitchen. In fact, when W was in the anger phase, she accused me of making messes she actually made herself. I don’t know if she forgot, or what.
I think on DnJ’s thread he got that he walks too slow, or something like that.
Any other small reasons given to write off what we all assumed were decent marriages?
Last edited by job; 12/10/2005:11 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I am pasting in, yes, another, homework reading assignment for you. It is Cadet's Welcome posting over here.
This thread is the "homework" thread for all newbies who come here seeking assistance and a better understanding of what is happening to their spouses and significant others. I thought it would be best to keep Cadet's "Welcome" posting in one place for all to refer back to.
As time moves along, I will be adding additional links.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-66, D34,S33
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My ex told me I “walked too heavy”! Not only that, but I “taught our daughter to walk heavy”!
Now first of all - I checked with numerous people and I do not have an unusually heavy gait. Second, if I DID, and our daughter did too, wouldn’t you assume it was something hereditary???? Can you imagine me taking her aside and giving her “heavy walking lessons”????
Really - the more ridiculous the complaints, the less likely you were a bad spouse, if that’s all they can come up with.
I remember one woman here, years ago, whose partner told her she was overweight - she was something like 5’8” and 120 lbs! Actually underweight!
My ex when she was trying to find reasons for walking away after 26 years came up with "sometimes when you compliment me it doesn't sound sincere". And that I didn't like sitting on the couch watching sports (OM was a sports watcher).
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I think on DnJ’s thread he got that he walks too slow, or something like that.
LOL!
Yeah, I didn’t walk at her running pace when we walked down the driveway.
I also burnt too much gas in my work truck, she was trying to save the planet she said. Even those I must use that truck, it’s what is provided and required. I personally drive a Prius don’t get much greener than that. Her gas burning and oil leaking old rattle trap of a car she bought is somewhat of a humorous contradiction. Along with many other things she blamed upon me.
There are so many weird and crazy leaps the MLCer makes to justify their irrational projection and new life. Realize it’s their view, their truth - not “the truth”.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
My W told me that we grew apart and didn't care about the same things. When pressed the only thing she came up with was we didn't root for the same football team.
Sill dumfounded by that one.
Taz
M57 (53@BD) XW55 (50@BD) S24 (20@BD) S22 (19@BD) Married 25 (22@BD) Together 28 BD 9/29/19 (moved out unannounced while I was on fishing trip) W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text) D final 11/10/22
oh boy. let's see: **I didn't make the house someplace he wanted to be (i have photos of him sitting happily on his sofa in the living room I repainted and re-decorated myself while he was on a business trip - three months before he left)
** I was too fat. I am 5'9" and was fluctuating between a size 12-14
** He didn't like the way I cooked broccoli
**I spent too much money. (On groceries? I dunno. Meanwhile he had 4 gym memberships - two on each coast, two motorcycles, his lease for his SUV rivaled our health insurance monthly payments, and may have actually exceeded them)
** I wasn't earning enough (I worked part time and took care of our son and his many extra curricular activities while exh worked full time, and for the 6 years prior to BD his travel schedule for work was anywhere from 30-50%)
I also got that he "wanted something different"
I could go on, but you get the point. The bottom line is they just want out, period.
Last edited by bttrfly; 12/10/2008:22 PM.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
They come up with every excuse in the books and when you do everything humanly possible to correct those things that they point out, they come up with something new. We all have pretzeled at some point and as we walk the path, we slowly, but surely learn that it's not about us at all...but about them. They are truly broken people.
Try to remember...you didn't break her, therefore, you can't fix her. She has to hit that brick wall hard and until she does, she'll find excuse after excuse for why she's so unhappy. I pray that she will wake up sooner rather than later, but her journey is going to be a long one. Some recover, others come back to reality with some of the quirks they found while in crisis and others remain lost and roam the earth as lost, unhappy and in some cases bitter people.
Trying to stay the course will be a marathon, not a spring and at some point, only you can make the decision as to whether you want to continue walking the path or to take the next turn on to a different path and see where life takes you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
don’t get much greener than that. Her gas burning and oil leaking old rattle trap of a car she bought is somewhat of a humorous contradiction. Along with many other things she blamed upon me.