Again my daughter forgot another book at her mom's and she had to come over here. My son did get up to see her this time, which is good. She was standing outside in the cold talking to them and I said she could come in. She was here for about 10 minutes talking to my daughter the whole time. I was sitting in the entry with them and telling her about things my daughter had done. Like how she had rocked her homework and rocked school. My daughter took her over to she her our Christmas tree and I told my wife it was ok.
We had just made chocolate covered pretzels and I insisted my wife take one with her before she left. All of that went fine, and in my heart somewhere I felt hope.
Then I opened my email and my attorney had let me know that we needed to talk. She spoke with our mediator and had concerns. She wants to be present at future mediations. That was a pretty solid whipsaw. Now I need to have a beer or something to calm down and make dinner with the kids. Pretty crazy.
I am afraid you are going to have to learn the hard way. Your STBXW (not your W) is not your friend and should not be treated as such. She is going to be out for blood in the divorce and more then likely has been unfaithful again to you.
You really need to stop trying to nice her back and mess with your detachment process.
LH - I know you’re right. ———- I’m beginning to lose track of the times my daughter starts to cry. She was so strong upfront, almost to the point i wondered how she was so ready to accept it all. Obviously she was in denial. I’m losing track of the times I hold her as she cries. It’s heartbreaking. It makes me so angry.
LH - I know you’re right. ———- I’m beginning to lose track of the times my daughter starts to cry. She was so strong upfront, almost to the point i wondered how she was so ready to accept it all. Obviously she was in denial. I’m losing track of the times I hold her as she cries. It’s heartbreaking. It makes me so angry.
Two of my children did not react emotionally. One of them did. He was angry. Guess who is the most healthy now?
Keep loving and holding your kids. Validating the way they feel is the most important thing you can do as a parent. Nothing to fix, just understand. Your relationship with your kids will be stronger.
"My mom does not know me at all". This was a statement from my middle child. I know things about him I wish I didn't but he is open with me and my lady, and I am glad he shares things with us. We are the safe ones to talk to. Keep being the safe one.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
LH - I know you’re right. ———- I’m beginning to lose track of the times my daughter starts to cry. She was so strong upfront, almost to the point i wondered how she was so ready to accept it all. Obviously she was in denial. I’m losing track of the times I hold her as she cries. It’s heartbreaking. It makes me so angry.
It’s tough Scotty B. My son wrote on his Christmas list the first year that all he wanted for Christmas was his parents to get back together.
Your getting angry because you are starting to see your W for who she really is right now. Channel that anger and use it as fuel.
Hey Scotty, just wanted to let you know I feel for you mate. Xmas will no doubt be hard and I wish you the best possible time, this a really difficult time and you can only do your best, keep going.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Again my daughter forgot another book at her mom's and she had to come over here. My son did get up to see her this time, which is good. She was standing outside in the cold talking to them and I said she could come in. She was here for about 10 minutes talking to my daughter the whole time. I was sitting in the entry with them and telling her about things my daughter had done. Like how she had rocked her homework and rocked school. My daughter took her over to she her our Christmas tree and I told my wife it was ok.
We had just made chocolate covered pretzels and I insisted my wife take one with her before she left. All of that went fine, and in my heart somewhere I felt hope.
Scott, I think everything you did was fine. But that bolded part, that SHOULD NOT follow from everything before it. It is OK to have hope, but what you should hope for is possible recon way down the road, not right now. It's simply not in the cards to happen anytime soon. So be nice, but don't do it to try and "nice her back". Be polite and cordial, but don't have ANY expectations that it changes a thing.
I know this is tough, just keep at it and it'll get easier!
AS - I agree completely. I don't want to feel feelings like that, it just happens. Its why LH is right, I need to keep my distance from her because it impacts my detachment. Or I'll struggle more with the cruddy feelings of hope which lead to anxiety and sadness and impact my ability to heal.
I believe that is where the concept of No Contact - to just get me out of the "ring" and save myself for another day is probably best. All and all I've been doing pretty good. We'll see how these next days without the kids go beginning tomorrow for 5 days.
I like what AS wrote but I am not a fan of the word “hope” in these situations. The definition of hope is “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen”. This IMO will get you stuck.
Your view on this needs to be “go do your thing W, do what you need to find your happiness. I’m going to go live an amazing life. If you want to be a part of it in the future, we’ll have to talk about that, but for now I wish you well.
It is never a bad thing to have hope....UNLESS it trips up your DBing efforts. I think all of us come to this board HOPING to save our MR. That hope is what causes us to seek out DB and learn the techniques.
But at some point you need to transition away from DBing for the sake of saving your MR, and DBing for the sake of saving yourself. I don't get the sense that you've made that transition. This is why I am afraid of the spiral downward you will make when the inevitable other show drops and an OM appears on the scene.
The way I look at it is that it is okay to have hope as long as that hope doesn't affect your DBing efforts. If it does then that hope is a hindrance that needs to be removed. Some LBS can do both at the same time (hope and properly DB), some cannot.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
