Sorry Nick. I know this conversation was not what you wanted, but for some reason your W seemed to determine to have it. Very strange, but it makes me wonder what her end goal might be? My guess is that she is ready to take things to another level with the OM, and she wants to be able to point back at this conversation if any of your daughters get upset about it and say "I told you that me and your father were having problems!"
That is the only reason I can see why she pushed so hard for this conversation. It makes no sense for any other reason. I would double-down on GAL. 180s and detachment. DB like there is no tomorrow. Leave her alone to figure out her own crap, and you go live a great life. Be the best father for these girls that you can be. Focus off of W, onto you and your kids.
Good luck man, I pray things improve for you.
Last edited by Steve85; 12/07/2005:24 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You actually navigated this quite well--you let her talk, you didn't parrot her lies, you didn't take the "bait" when she tried to get you to initiate an R-talk. I agree with Steve that her insistence about having this chat isn't a good sign, unfortunately. Hang in there! You still have an amazing daughter you love who loves you (teenagers don't always express it) in the running for valedictorian/salutatorian. Whether she makes it or not, that she's in the running shows that you are definitely doing something right.
So today I helped D 21 make her first lasagna. W came home and D21 gave her some. But I didn’t give her any garlic bread because I didn’t make enough for her. So there!
So today I helped D 21 make her first lasagna. W came home and D21 gave her some. But I didn’t give her any garlic bread because I didn’t make enough for her. So there!
Nick, I am seeing a pattern here. "She can't have any of my fries!" "I didn't make enough garlic bread for her!" I understand that you are just doing your own thing, but the fact that you are consciously, it seems, being passive-aggressive with this stuff means you may be looking at how to detach in the wrong manner. Being petty and passive-aggressive is not the right approach to this. I would just be careful because this can come back to haunt you later.
I lived by the motto, in my IHS, to "kill her with kindness". To recompense evil with good. To be the bigger person and to take the high road. The kind of thinking I am detecting with some of this can lead you down the wrong path. "Well if she has someone else then I will go out and get someone else to show her how it feels!"
I would read Sandi's rules. I would get to know them and let them guide you in your interactions with your W. If you and your D knew that there would be plenty of lasagna for your W, there would be nothing wrong or anti-DBing about making sure there was also enough garlic bread for her too. I have no problem with not getting her Five Guys the other day because, as you pointed out, she isn't normally home that early. So just make sure that when you are tempted to do or not do something to weigh it and make sure it isn't just pettiness or passive-aggressiveness that is guiding your actions.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
@NickWing, Steve85 has a point to consider your motive behind not sharing with your ex-wife--but also props for making lasagna with D21! That's a great GAL activity, besides teaching your D cooking skills, besides sounding like a lovely bonding moment.
Ok, I am trying to walk a fine line between being polite and feeding cake. I do all the cooking, so I trying to make it look like I am not cooking for her.
I used to make her breakfast in the morning and stopped doing that, although I did do it the day after I found out about the A. I’d like to go back in time and punch myself in the face.
Last week we got takeout and I had the kids call to see if she wanted any because it would have been rude not to.
Good news is kids are have. NYE party here so I’ll have a house full of teenagers here.
Ok, I am trying to walk a fine line between being polite and feeding cake. I do all the cooking, so I trying to make it look like I am not cooking for her.
I used to make her breakfast in the morning and stopped doing that, although I did do it the day after I found out about the A. I’d like to go back in time and punch myself in the face.
Last week we got takeout and I had the kids call to see if she wanted any because it would have been rude not to.
Good news is kids are have. NYE party here so I’ll have a house full of teenagers here.
It is a fine line, no question. However, I am not seeing that your W is being openly disrespectful to you. That is really when you need to be forceful and not let her cake eat. I agree with stopping the breakfast cooking. But if you are cooking for the family, she is still part of the family. No need to make things specially for her, but I also wouldn't go out of my way to make sure she didn't have, say, garlic bread.
In general you seem to be doing well though so keep up the good work.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
