WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce (2)

[Ready2Change]

...but still wish the kids didn't have to deal with the disruption and could grow up in a loving, two-parent household.

To bad some things are out of our control. The part that is in our control is how we love our kids while they are moving between two households.

[Vapo]

BL, just read through your sitch, and the similarities with my situation are astounding. The ages correspond, the kids ages correspond, the only difference is that I have an older daughter and a younger son.

I did not recap my sitch in my own thread, but tried to offer my advice and insight on other people's threads. These boards have helped me so much in understanding WTH was going on and really saved my sanitiy when the situation was bleak.

It is 6 years post BD for me, kids are doing well and me and my Ex coparent well. I did not manage to rescue my marriage, but I rescued myself. Both me and my ex are in relationships and Ex's boyfriend is a decent guy. Obviously he is not the guy for whom my Ex left me, so really I can't blame the guy for anything.

The relationship with the Ex is all about the children and that suits me just fine. From the rebelious self (female dog) from the first months/years post BD she's calmed down and resembles my W again. That being said, I would not want any romantic dealings with the Ex ever again. Post BD I did some work on myself and I discovered I was worth more and was underappreciatedin my marriage. I suffered from Nice guy syndrome and badly. I had some other issues and it is a fact that I also contributed to the demise of my marriage.

But water under the bridge. New life, new challenges ahead.

Take care buddy, you are not alone, and you have some of the finest, nicest, most knowledgeble posters in your corner. Esp. Sandi is very valuable, because of her insight into a female mind, priceless.

V

[BL42]

Vapo,

Thanks for reaching out. I've said this before in my thread, but it's amazing how reading others' sitches and especially having others post in your thread is so helpful. It's a nice feeling to see a new reply from another poster and realize someone you don't even know in person cares enough to weigh in with advice and support.

BL, just read through your sitch, and the similarities with my situation are astounding. The ages correspond, the kids ages correspond, the only difference is that I have an older daughter and a younger son.

I did not recap my sitch in my own thread, but tried to offer my advice and insight on other people's threads. These boards have helped me so much in understanding WTH was going on and really saved my sanitiy when the situation was bleak.

This confused me a bit. Do you have a thread for your sitch? If so, I'm going to find the time this weekend to read it.

It is 6 years post BD for me, kids are doing well and me and my Ex coparent well. I did not manage to rescue my marriage, but I rescued myself. Both me and my ex are in relationships and Ex's boyfriend is a decent guy. Obviously he is not the guy for whom my Ex left me, so really I can't blame the guy for anything.

It's crazy for me to imagine being 6 years post-BD right now, but then it's been nearly 10 months already and that's difficult to believe. Looking back it's gone by so quickly yet in the first few months it felt like it would never end.

Glad to hear you're co-parenting well. W & I are doing alright so far (imo) though we're going to have to come to agreement on the holiday schedule which is coming up soon. I'm fortunate to be able to see my kids (especially son) way more often than I would otherwise (due to school/work schedules).

If I'm being honest part of me still hopes it won't work with my W & OM2 either so she has to start clean after the D. It would irk me a bit right now if she stayed with someone she had an affair with during our marriage, but I recognize I need to work on detachment and not worry about that.

The relationship with the Ex is all about the children and that suits me just fine. From the rebelious self (female dog) from the first months/years post BD she's calmed down and resembles my W again. That being said, I would not want any romantic dealings with the Ex ever again. Post BD I did some work on myself and I discovered I was worth more and was underappreciatedin my marriage. I suffered from Nice guy syndrome and badly. I had some other issues and it is a fact that I also contributed to the demise of my marriage.

Is it weird for you that she seemingly reverted back to normal and resembles your wife but is now with another guy instead of you? LIke...if she had reverted quicker the marriage could've worked out and family stayed together? I don't know what my (or my W's future) will bring, but I could imagine that would be strange for me. I believe I was under appreciated quite a bit in my marriage...but I guess my W felt that way too. I already can't imagine reconciling due to everything W has done. During AP/OM1 I was ready to forgive but she went right on to OM2 without blinking and moved out and filed for D. I think the anger and resentment would rise up and it would be hard to respect myself / have my friends and family respect me. Mostly any reconciliation at this point (not that she has any interest in that) would be for the kids but as I'm seeing the amount of time I have with them and how they're adjusting (S5 still has his moments), the "for the kids" aspect lessens.

But water under the bridge. New life, new challenges ahead.

Take care buddy, you are not alone, and you have some of the finest, nicest, most knowledgeble posters in your corner. Esp. Sandi is very valuable, because of her insight into a female mind, priceless.

V

Appreciate the words of support greatly! I'm making progress for sure, but still have a ways to go. Best of luck to you as well!

[Vapo]

This confused me a bit. Do you have a thread for your sitch? If so, I'm going to find the time this weekend to read it.

Nope, I did not start any threads on these boards.

[SteveLW]

BL, time heals all wounds. Admittedly, every wounds heals at a different rate, but eventually even the worst wounds heals. Obviously, proper care can speed the healing (IC, DBing, etc). But the Vapo that posts here today is in a completely different place than the one 6 years ago. I am 3 years past BD, in piecing and Ring, and you cannot even compare me to where I was 3 years ago.

10 months is a long time. It also is a drop in the bucket for most of these things. You obviously still have a lot of work to do, and you admit this. Worrying about whether STBXW and OM work out or not is not healthy. Just keep working on that detachment and moving on. Plenty of LBSs skip the work and then are set back when their XW marry the OM, or start dating someone they don't approve of, etc. Proper detachment says "Her crazy is no longer my crazy." And wouldn't give two craps what the XW is doing.

So keep doing the work. Keep posting here. Keep moving forward. All this will be in the rearview mirror one day.

[BL42]

Steve85,

BL, time heals all wounds. Admittedly, every wounds heals at a different rate, but eventually even the worst wounds heals. Obviously, proper care can speed the healing (IC, DBing, etc). But the Vapo that posts here today is in a completely different place than the one 6 years ago. I am 3 years past BD, in piecing and Ring, and you cannot even compare me to where I was 3 years ago.

10 months is a long time. It also is a drop in the bucket for most of these things. You obviously still have a lot of work to do, and you admit this.

It's interesting to read through threads and get a sense for posters' progress. I can personally feel the improvement over the past 6 months, so I'm sure you and Vapo are right that in 3yrs or 6yrs it'll be even better.

Worrying about whether STBXW and OM work out or not is not healthy. Just keep working on that detachment and moving on. Plenty of LBSs skip the work and then are set back when their XW marry the OM, or start dating someone they don't approve of, etc. Proper detachment says "Her crazy is no longer my crazy." And wouldn't give two craps what the XW is doing.

I'm reminded of an old movie quote I read on the board (but can't find where) that said "the only win to win is not play the game". I sent an email to W this week about some Holiday logistics and reminded her St. Nicholas Day is this weekend while she has the kids and that S5 is very aware and excited and asked if she was doing anything (for S5's sake). Her response shocked me. It was so angry. She said "did you really think you needed need to remind me..." and "I don't understand why you would think..." it's "absolutely insulting". I was simply trying to communicate some conversations I had with S5 to make her aware and be a good co-parent in good faith, but she was insulted. I don't really understand or how to respond to that. I guess I need to get better "not play the game".

So keep doing the work. Keep posting here. Keep moving forward. All this will be in the rearview mirror one day.

Will do, thanks Steve! I believe that, and am working towards it!

[BL42]

Last week the kids were with me except for Thanksgiving Day and we had a great time. I took off from work Wednesday and Friday when S5 was off from school, so I had 4 full days dedicated to them. We did Christmas tree pancakes the one morning then went to the tree farm and decorated for Christmas - S5 and D2 were into it. We drove around to various Christmas light displays 3 different evenings, went on a nature hike, and had a sleep over in sleeping bags at my parents' house one night. On Thursday the kids were with their mother so I painted the master bedroom to stay busy and keep improving the house and then went over to my parents' house for Thanksgiving dinner and had a relaxing "adult" meal and conversation with them, without having to cut up food and feed two youngsters.

Sunday when I drove to drop the kids off at Ws house OM2 was driving away. I did an extra circle around the block to "see more Christmas lights" so the kids wouldn't encounter him. It didn't feel great, but much better than the first time it happened two weeks ago.

I continue to see S5 every day before and after school. I had the kids for dinner Wednesday and was proud of myself - the 3 of us sat around the table and ate a good healthy meal together (grilled chicken, broccolli...etc.) with a table clothes and advent wreath candle lit! Last night I coached S5's soccer team.

This weekend I'm getting my hair cut, meeting up with friends at a new brewery tonight, making my grandma's recipe for a homemade apple pie with my mom, and then going to a "Friendsgiving" on Saturday with 4 close couples. I'll try to keep working on the house during any down time and need to get out for a run or hike as well.

[SteveLW]

Yeah that was me that quoted that. It is from the movie Wargames. "The only way to win the game is to not play at all!" The computer in the movie learns that from playing itself in tic-tac-toe over and over again.

[BL42]

W filed her Statement of Net Worth with the court. No major surprises. She has a modest amount of money in checking/savings accounts, but although I've given her the equivalent of her mortgage and a new car payment in child support each of the last 6 months (despite caring for the kids more than her), she has racked up 3x that amount in credit card balances and a significant amount in loans for things like a central air system, new windows, elective surgery...etc. She'll likely get a portion of cash in the settlement which will help defray those debts, but will likely start out in the red. Her mom/step-dad are well off though and will likely keep her on the payroll like they do with her younger brother (they're already financing her divorce lawyer).

W had been diverting money from her paycheck into a personal account during the first affair / in-house separation bragging to AP that I didn't even know (though I did), but it doesn't really matter from a legal perspective - it's marital property regardless. She also claimed ownership of a necklace I had made for her with my grandmother's/great-grandmother's diamonds, but is allowing me to hold onto it for safe keeping for my daughter (how generous).

The statement didn't estimate values for things like the houses, furniture...etc., so time will tell what the negotiations will bring. According to my attorney, we're waiting for her & her lawyer to make the first offer (as the plaintiffs). I had significant amount of pre-marital assets and fortunately we reside in an "equitable distribution" as opposed to a "community property" state, so thankfully I'll retain the vast majority of finances.

[SteveLW]

BL, I am glad to see you looking at this from a business perspective. That speaks to your detachment. Good job. Glad to hear that things should end up favorable for you. Now you can concentrate on being the best dad you can be!