On another note I put tuperware on the top shelf of the dishwasher today. That felt really good. My wife had a thing that tuperware couldn't go in the dishwasher.
Watch out, that is a class 3 felony! Do the forks go tines up or down? Do the plates always have to face right? LOL
Lol my W was the opposite. She wouldn’t care for things at all, just appearances. She’d put dirty frying pans etc into the drawers just to make the kitchen LOOK clean... rly?
“She will need someone to take her misery out on and you won't be there so the kids get it.” This is so sad. Fuchin WWs!
Scott be happy LH is here! Stay away from helping her out. Let her handle her side of things, including her time with the kids. If kids are having a hard time give them an opportunity to vent and validate. Be their rock!
Last edited by Mumin; 12/04/2007:09 PM.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
She's sent me 6 emails in the last 24 hours 4 about the kids and two about our finances. Geez-o-peetz, leave me alone. I've got the kids and I just want to chill with them.
When my ex was more contentious, I waited until I didn't have my kids to respond to anything substantial. As you say, this is your time with the kids, and little is so urgent it needs a same-day reply.
She's sent me 6 emails in the last 24 hours 4 about the kids and two about our finances. Geez-o-peetz, leave me alone. I've got the kids and I just want to chill with them.
Enjoy your time with the kids. Some of my best memories with them are right after the divorce.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Friday I had the kids at home because of quarantine. It was great. I cleared my schedule so I could try to hang out with them when they had downtime. That night we watched Arthur Christmas, which I would recommend for kids - my 12 and nine year old both liked it. I put my daughter to bed and talked to my son about his slipping grades and attitude, especially with his mom. I really tried to work on what I'm learning in The Lost Art of Listening.
He talked about how much he just hates wearing a mask at school and how it stinks not being able to move around during the day. He's just sick of it. Then he mentioned how he told his mom how bad Zoom was at school and she said you shouldn't have gone on vacation with your dad, you knew better. Ouch. That really pissed him off. I'll come back to that.
Saturday was just great. We made chocolate covered peanuts, my son and I worked out together, we put up our Christmas tree, the kids played while I made dinner. I had told my daughter last week that we needed to redo a picture wall - it was all wedding pictures that had been taken down. I went into her room and started to cry when I saw a bunch of pictures out with all the frames - she was working on it by herself. We finished it together - she is incredibl I kept them up a little late because I lost track of time as I put the tree up - and when I went to bed I was exhausted.
Sunday we got up and sat around and relaxed for a couple of hours after having donuts. That was pretty great, we can't normally do that. Then we decorated outside, lit a fire, and I cleaned up the yard while the kids got out sleeping bags and laid on the trampoline. That's when it got interesting.
My daughter had spoken to my wife and my wife was going to drop off homework for her. When my wife got here her and I didn't say much. The tension and mood changed significantly and I did not feel like the happy go lucky guy I had been all day. My daughter got off the tramp and gave her a hug. I had been putting stuff in our garage for her to take so she started packing up her car. My son didn't move, he didn't acknowledge her. She finally get all her stuff packed up and went to say goodbye to him but before that she started asking him about all his school work. He never got up, never looked at her, and didn't give her a hug goodbye. I couldn't believe it. As soon as she left he grabbed his stuff and went inside (it was a bit cold out).
My daughter then went up to her room to do her homework. She has really been remarkably strong through all of this. I was going to work out in my garage but as I was picking up around the house I went up to her room to put some things away.
She started to get a bit hysterical out of the blue. She started crying about how she couldn't get all the homework done, how she didn't know where to start, and how it was just too much. I really tried not to solve her problem - I just tried to empathize and listen. Then she started crying harder and said she missed her mom. I said "I know, would you like to call her?" Then she said "but when I'm with her I miss you, I don't understand."
And then she just cried and I held her. She said she knew I wanted to work out and so she didn't want to bother me with her homework. I told her she is never bothering me and I stayed up in her room and helped her with her homework for about an hour. It was heartbreaking, but wonderful - just connecting with her and showing her I could be there for her, but so sad. She is hiding all of her feelings.
Sunday night we had a wonderful dinner, the kids really loved it - so that was great. We made some chocolate deserts that didn't turn out - but that's ok. We moved to the family room and I fell asleep while the kids played video games. I woke up and put them to bed.
Today is more virtual school and again I cleared my schedule, but I'm starting to get behind. Tomorrow they go back and my son has virtual individual counseling on Wednesday for the first time, we'll see how that goes.
Wednesday they are gone until the following Monday. That will be a long stretch but so far we've made the most of it of the time we've had. I've been fortunate as I've had the kids 14 of the last 18 days. I think I'll be okay for the stretch of 5 days - I know it will be emotional but I'm a little worn down as I've really put all my energy into them and doing everything is a lot.
Sorry for the long post, I've had a lot on my mind. I'm doing pretty good, though I hate all of this. I continue to limit contact with my wife - I'd love to say to her "Let's stop this madness." but that wouldn't do any good. I have to move on and I'm working on it.
Scott, good job. I like that you are putting the kids first. You are to be commended for that! We see so many LBSs in your shoes already looking to find another woman. I do not think that we commend LBSs, especially those that are parents, that do not jump to that enough! So I am patting you on the back. Well done.
Great job listening to her daughter, and then being there for her. The kids, no matter how resilient, will still struggle with all of this. As time goes on they will get better at navigating it, but remember, focus on what you can control: YOU! And that is exactly what you did in this case. You can't fix her mom, or your MR, but you can show her that you are going to prioritize her and her brother above all else! So keep your focus there.
However, I would talk to your son. While deep down you probably like that he is being "cold" to his mother, likely that is more just a show than what is really going on underneath. You really need to make sure to encourage him to continue to be respectful to his mother. She is still his mom, no matter what. No need to make it a big ordeal, but just try to mention it to him at some point. Be the bigger person.
"Let's stop this madness" certainly would do no good. I know the urge is there to still 'give her a wake-up call' and get her to see all of this. Glad to see you recognize that it would be the wrong approach, and that you need to keep working on moving on. However, remember the warning from LH because I think there is probably a good chance that by the end of the year there will be an OM emerge. And you have to gird yourself up for that possibility and not let it set you back. Just assume the worst and move forward.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Wow--that was a great update! I'm short on time or I'd write more, but I love, love how much you're focusing on having good times with your kids and helping them cope with changes. Yes, validation and listening work on our kids, too, and you sound like you're rocking that. I get the exhausted feeling after the go-go-go of a week like that and hope it's accompanied by the rewarding feeling of a job well done. Props, too, on the self-control to acknowledge you want to say "Let's stop this" (and stop this) without saying it.
Great to hear you're making the most of the time with your kids! I've found it's great bonding opportunity and can also be a bit of a distraction from the sitch. Keep making memories and being a great dad for them!
Originally Posted by ScottB
My daughter then went up to her room to do her homework. She has really been remarkably strong through all of this. I was going to work out in my garage but as I was picking up around the house I went up to her room to put some things away.
She started to get a bit hysterical out of the blue. She started crying about how she couldn't get all the homework done, how she didn't know where to start, and how it was just too much. I really tried not to solve her problem - I just tried to empathize and listen. Then she started crying harder and said she missed her mom. I said "I know, would you like to call her?" Then she said "but when I'm with her I miss you, I don't understand."
And then she just cried and I held her. She said she knew I wanted to work out and so she didn't want to bother me with her homework. I told her she is never bothering me and I stayed up in her room and helped her with her homework for about an hour. It was heartbreaking, but wonderful - just connecting with her and showing her I could be there for her, but so sad. She is hiding all of her feelings.
That's tough. Don't think I'll ever forget my S5 crying himself to sleep (in my arms) for 45mins after soccer when he missed mommy. Just keeping loving and being there for them.
Originally Posted by ScottB
Wednesday they are gone until the following Monday. That will be a long stretch but so far we've made the most of it of the time we've had. I've been fortunate as I've had the kids 14 of the last 18 days. I think I'll be okay for the stretch of 5 days - I know it will be emotional but I'm a little worn down as I've really put all my energy into them and doing everything is a lot.
I can relate! I bend over backwards for the kids and love the time with them but it can be very draining - I find myself sleeping pretty hard the night or two after they leave. LOL
Hang in there!
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
...She started to get a bit hysterical out of the blue. She started crying about how she couldn't get all the homework done, how she didn't know where to start, and how it was just too much. I really tried not to solve her problem - I just tried to empathize and listen. Then she started crying harder and said she missed her mom. I said "I know, would you like to call her?" Then she said "but when I'm with her I miss you, I don't understand."
And then she just cried and I held her. She said she knew I wanted to work out and so she didn't want to bother me with her homework. I told her she is never bothering me and I stayed up in her room and helped her with her homework for about an hour. It was heartbreaking, but wonderful - just connecting with her and showing her I could be there for her, but so sad. She is hiding all of her feelings.
This is what is important. A+ brother! You be the safe place for your kids to express there emotions. Let them know this.
There are healthy ways that you can help Son express his anger. I am sure you have some anger that could be released. The book store, amazon and google were very helpful during my growth during the early phases after BD.
Balancing everything will be a challenge, but you can handle it. Compartmentalize. Be Super Dad when the kids are with you. Take care of everything else while they are with Mom.
I worked longer days the week I didn't have the kids. Shorter days when I had the kids.
I would send texts like this in the evening when they were at moms: "Love you. Miss you. Sleep well. Looking forward to seeing you. Sleep well. good night"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
