Merry Christmas ! I hope that your son pops around and stays a bit.
We were not suppose to have snow today, but my little area had snow flurries for a bit. When I drove to my mother's home (5 miles) south of me, the lawns and trees are covered with snow and it was a perfect Christmas card effect. The last time we had snow on Christmas was in 2002. A pleasant surprise for all who saw snow today.
Enjoy the rest of your evening.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Merry Christmas Andrew! (No, do not date the anti- vaxxer!)
I know it’s nice to have someone there - but not when the price is too high! You definitely need to set the bar higher next time.
If it weren’t pandemic times, this is when I’d be encouraging you to strengthen your friend activities. That should definitely be a goal in the future. You’d be great at hosting something regular like a game night.
Hope you had a nice dinner with your son and are relaxing now. Merry Christmas!
I think you shouldn’t even be thinking about dating for the foreseeable. I think you were on the ‘rebound’ when you met S.
Your W and my H both left us at about the same time in March 2016. And if I remember correctly you started talking about dating again in June of that year. It hadn’t even crossed my mind!
Is it a man thing? I don’t know....maybe. I also remember, when you went to Madrid for a week, you packed condoms. Just in case.
Please Andrew, can you just learn to enjoy your own company for a few months and not look at the women around you as potential life partners?.
Stop looking. Eventually, and it may take a year or two. Maybe one will come along.
And maybe not. But you will be happy in your own skin and not putting unconscious pressure on a woman to be the perfect partner.
I agree that you should set that bar higher. But fgs take your time and enjoy your own company, in the meantime.
S26 showed up about 2 hours later than expected. His sister and brother in law were ok with waiting for the traditional video chat. I did get rather worried as time passed with bad weather and no word. He ended up noticing that I tried to call him and called back letting me know that he was an hour away.
I ended up putting the duck back into the oven to warm up while I made the side dishes. Skipped doing vegetables and cheese sauce. We had lots and lots of food as it was.
The pie turned out very nice. The substitution of brown sugar for refined sugar may be something that I keep. Happy accident as it were.
I had a good Christmas. When we got my daughter and her husband on video chat we opened presents and visited a bit. For their presents I had sent them flowers a couple of days ago and then emailed them their membership to the zoo during the chat. A bit less personal than opening wrapping and such but needs must. They have a parcel that is stuck in the mail somewhere in California that is supposed to be coming up here.
The reason my son was late was that he had to go out and get wrapping paper. He got me a very cool book called Snack Tunes that I will need to spend some time with. It's recipes combined with play lists to listen to while doing them. A very very thoughtful gift. He also had a phantom gift of a day at the Stratford Festival for us - something he knows that I quite enjoy and the last time we went together to see Treasure Island we had a great time. I really appreciated that he put some hard thought into what to get. For me gifts are more about the thoughtfulness and not the quantity.
He seemed to quite like the presents I got for him and his cats. I gave him two framed pictures as a bit of decor for his otherwise bare apartment. He really liked the one which was a print of a sketch done by a former baby-sitter of our living room probably about 20 years ago. The other one was a picture of him and his sister with big smiles on their faces. I also included a number of alternative pictures in case he wanted to swap them around. I'd also gotten him some kitchen things as he didn't take a lot with him and has said that he is finding himself constrained on what he can cook. There were a good number of presents under the tree including a few from Santa to me. I got a new meatloaf pan and an apron. Technically it's a carpenter's apron but there's no reason I can't use it in the kitchen. It's canvas and certainly robust enough for the task.
I sent him home with some lemon pie mix - I didn't know it was his favourite. Where he works he was given a quantity of ice-cream sugar cones and I'd thought that he could perhaps turn those into a graham cracker crust - he's going to give it a try. He now has some nice glass pie plates for that experiment.
After presents we adjourned back to the kitchen and he helped with dinner carving the duck and also helping a bit with the gravy. The first time he's attempted something like that. We enjoyed dinner and pie. I had some wine and he had none as he didn't want to have anything to drink and then drive home in the still snowy weather. We just sat and talked for a few hours through and after dinner. It was really nice. I think one thing he likes is that we talk openly about some of the mental health challenges we have with depression and anxiety and the different coping mechanisms we are trying. Certainly not a conversation we could have had a few years ago. I really like how our relationship is adapting over time.
He left around 7:30 or so after sweeping about 4" of fresh snow off his car. He forgot one of his gifts here so will be stopping by today as I believe he's having Christmas with his mother today and she lives about 10 minutes away. He refused leftovers saying that he expects to be burdened down with them today. There was nothing here from his sister so perhaps she sent that to his mother - or it could be in the parcel stuck in the mail. I hope he makes it without issue. The snow has really picked up again. I cleared another 8" out of the driveway this morning so that he could get in if he stops by.
I debated passing on a Merry Christmas to his mother but chose not to. She's not anyone who I would consider a friend and while I'm to the point where I can think about the past fondly that dark spot where she destroyed our family is still an insurmountable gulf to having any sort of relationship.
Having just the kitchen has made it plain to me that I quite like having the separate formal dining room. For a variety of reasons including a lack of space I chose to serve from the cooking containers rather than separate serving dishes. My son didn't care but it annoyed me a bit as I like to make a formal dinner a bit of a performance.
I'm going to start keeping my eyes open for a nice dining room set which I can probably get for cheap. Looking back the living room rug as $350 as a bound remnant. I still am gob-smacked by how quickly and thoroughly S and her crew trashed this place. I can only hope that they are taking better care of her Dad's place which since it is to be sold I have hopes on on her behalf. I know that S and her kids are capable of taking care of a home - they just chose not to here.
I've also taken the measurements for the rugs that need to be replaced and will send those off to a couple of local places. There are often good sized remnants available
We're now on lockdown again for 4 weeks. I had been wondering about going into town. There is a small amount of groceries that I can use but nothing that I truly need. I've also decided that I'm going to replace the two small appliances that belong to S that are still on my counter. She said that she had my old ones in storage and was going to bring them back but those were pretty well due for replacement anyway. I think I can order online for curb-side pickup. The plan is to try to minimize my trips out of the house and the number of places that I go to. There's really nothing that I need badly enough to venture out for today. I'm going to have a quiet day - make broth from the duck bones and possibly pull everything out of the cupboards and re-organize them. There's a lot of stuff just shoved in here and there to keep it separate during S's move out that can now be better placed.
Well - my tea pot is empty. Time to start the puttering and taking care of laundry. I may have a soak in the tub later.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I know that S and her kids are capable of taking care of a home - they just chose not to here.
What possible evidence do you have that this is true?
Sounds like you had a nice Xmas with your son. His gifts sound great. Antiques are quite reasonable these days, you might consider looking for a used or antique dining table.
I know that S and her kids are capable of taking care of a home - they just chose not to here.
What possible evidence do you have that this is true?
She is more than capable, she just chooses not to and uses her bad back as an excuse. Yes, she has a bad back but that is her generic excuse for everything. She seems to manage just fine when she needs to. I know she can clean and cook, she presumably kept her Dad's house as neat as a new pin when she was looking after him after his heart attack a couple of years ago. And she had lots of stories about how much of a particular person her former partner was - how he'd leave notes and complain and swear loudly if people's shoes weren't lined up properly. So I'm assuming she was a model housewife for the couple of years they were actually together. Her reasons for leaving the relationship were that he was a gambler, a lier and often would just dissapear without warning or explanation on a regular basis for hours and hours.
In some ways she's like a teenager - capable but irresponsible. It's the capable that I took note of. It was interesting that my son made the same excuses / comments about her that I did. That she's been a Mom and more or less a single Mom for nearly 30 years with no end in sight for at least another 5 or 6. It's no surprise that she's tired of it.
The more time and perspective I get, the more I see clearly how she pushed her way in and then settled in for a life of comfort and ease with a functional adult to do all the effort for her. The definition of what I consider a "taker" personality. I did a quick google and it's actually a thing. I did a quick test and it's surprising / not how many of the scenarios posited actually are things I had to deal with with S. I scored a 79 on the scale between giver and taker.
Originally Posted by kml
His gifts sound great. Antiques are quite reasonable these days, you might consider looking for a used or antique dining table.
The plan right now is to find a new kitchen table after we get out of lockdown and move the folding table into the dining room. It looks fine with a tablecloth on it. Then keep my eyes open for a new dining room set. What I had was old, beat up and mis-matched when I got it 30+ years ago. It was surplused from my mother's junk store. It did well for all those years.
----
S's S18 came "home" last night while I was in the tub. I checked and his mother was wandering around the house. No real details other than S18 needs to be in to work today for 10. She did get him to load numerous boxes from the front porch into her van so we're down to roughly 4 van loads of stuff in the house now.
Annoying to have him back, wandering around the house all night long. He's at least somewhat tidy in the kitchen - plates are scraped off and put beside the sink.
I did still feel some attraction towards S - stamped that down and kept everything "grey rock" businesslike. I'll need to talk to S18 and make sure that he knows that the end of January is coming up quickly and he needs to have a plan. Can't wait to have this place to just myself.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
And she had lots of stories about how much of a particular person her former partner was - how he'd leave notes and complain and swear loudly if people's shoes weren't lined up properly. So I'm assuming she was a model housewife for the couple of years they were actually together.
This was HER version of the story. For all you know, he did all the work to keep it clean and she just messed up the things he kept in order. I would take her account of anything with a huge grain of salt. I’m pretty sure she was never a model housewife. You don’t go from being a model housewife - however reluctantly - to the complete slob she was with you. You have to give up this unfounded heroic image you have of her.
You have to give up this unfounded heroic image you have of her.
This is really key. It’s so important because it’s clearly still there inside of you. Part of you seems to see she was not anything you thought she was. But another part of you wants to still believe she was much of it - that she’s maternal, and a great mother and smart business woman, a good cook, a decent house keeper. She’s very likely not any of these things. You wanted her to be. You hoped she was, but that’s as much you wanting to believe as it is her trying to deceive. If you can’t see these things now, even in hindsight, how will you ever pick them out when someone new comes along. TRUST NOTHING AND MAKE PEOOLE PROVE THEMSELVES. you’re still wanting to give the benefit of the doubt, even now. You’ll continue finding yourself in a position like this until you change this. People are simply often not as honest or honorable as you’d like them to be. Clearly this strongly applies to S
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I know that S and her kids are capable of taking care of a home - they just chose not to here.
What possible evidence do you have that this is true?
those precise words went through my head as I read this ! Andrew, do not buy into more of S's faradiddles. Believe what you've seen with your own eyes, because that is truth.
When is your next appointment with your IC?
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
The IC gave me some reading to do on relationship models but didn't seem to think that I had more to address. I asked her if we should book another appointment and she said that it didn't seem necessary until I was thinking about dating and then only if I was still worried about being taken advantage of / steam-rollered into something unhealthy.
Up early(ish) because I wasn't sure if we were open or closed today. One of the perils of working from home. It appears we're closed for regular business. There's a few things I may poke at though.
<grumble> - I found a present that I forgot to wrap for S26. He had forgotten one other here as well and so I hung it by the door. He was supposed to have Christmas dinner with his mother on Saturday, that got postponed because of weather and he was supposed to go again yesterday. He didn't come by the house though - I'd put it on the mailbox by the door. There was freezing rain in the forecast though. I did see OM out shoveling snow when I was in town yesterday. They live on a major street that is my usual route in and out of town. It's highly unusual to see anyone out though.
I've texted him to see when he may be stopping by. Trying to limit everyone's exposure though. S's S18 works at the grocery store and I have to drive him to and from work. We don't interact otherwise and use separate bathrooms. I'm counting down the days until he's out on his own too. I've mentioned to him that if his government program doesn't find him housing that he'll have to move in with his mother - something he's not keen on I'm sure. I've hesitated on this because he probably doesn't want to hear such things but technically he's an adult and needs to face these things. And I want to keep the pressure on otherwise it will be the end of January and he'll still be here with no plans.
I was pleasantly surprised this morning. I'd sent out an email yesterday to a number of local carpet places for replacement rugs for the living room, dining room and hallway. First estimate back inclusive of taxes from one place - $750. Woot! The rug in the living room was considered a major deal at $350 2 years ago. It seems that carpet places have lots of remnants of various sizes that they are eager to unload. The cost of binding the edges is about 30% of the total. I have to figure out how to get them here and also what to do with the old carpets but this is great news. I had been expecting almost double this.
We'll have to see how it all works out of course. It would be easier if I had been able to keep my utility trailer in under cover but I pulled it out so that S could get at her furniture (which is still there) and now it is full of snow. It's supposed to be above freezing here for a few days so I should be able to get things sorted around. At this point I have no expectation that S will be by for the furniture before spring - but then again I've been wrong lots of times. Including about whether I was working today or not
I need to get out walking again. I've put on about 5 lbs in the last couple of weeks with Christmas treats. I also seem to have some pain in the back of my thighs that feels like muscle strain that got better when I walked yesterday. It was odd - it started suddenly when I was having Christmas dinner with my son. Probably just sat wrong on the chair - the joys of being middle-aged. I've really not walked hardly at all since the summer and S moved in. Certainly her telling me that she loved going for walks was less than realistic. She wouldn't even walk the dog much less go for regular walks around town with me. Her back hurt
It got me thinking about how some guys my age seek out much younger women. Setting aside monetary and child-care issues, how many younger women would really want to be nurse to an "old fogey" with his aches and pains? And on the other side - how could an older guy keep up to the energy level of someone quite a bit younger? Ah well - something I'll never have to worry about for myself.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
