My parents divorced when I was 14 so I went through this as well. Christmas dinner me, my brother and mom. My wife never had that experience, she came from a big family, so great holidays. I mentioned this to her, but that’s logic, she is on pure emotion, so no response. We have no family here, so who knows what next years will be like. I’m planning for fun on the days the kids will be with me, probably at my step mothers. I wanted to give my kids one last good Christmas, both will be in college next year, but no, we have to tell them this Sunday, even though due to covid we will all be in the same house until February at least.
I read DB, DR, Healing from infidelity, etc. DB coaching. It takes two for a marriage, only one to divorce.
Ugh, just got out of parenting with W talk with D17 who was not following rules about when to come home after band practice. Hanging out with friends who we approve of but giving us misleading info on what she was doing. Turns out she is crushed because she’s been online schooling and missing her friends. Missed a lot of senior year hs stuff.
She was sobbing. Just wait until bd Sunday. Oh well W says kids are resilient. You W, the child therapist.
I'm two days from the two year anniversary of my divorce. I thought it would be really hard on my daughters. Turns out, not so much. They are doing really well. Your wife saying "kids are resilient" is more likely to be true than your belief that it will be hard on them. Let it go. You can't control it. All you can do is give them an environment in which they can thrive.
Sunday will not be easy, there is no question. But as harvey says, they will move on and flourish. But a lot of that has to do with you Nick. Do not be like my W's parents and demand "You spend Christmas with me instead of your mom!" Remember, it is the time spent with your kids not the DAY! If she is having them for Christmas then celebrate Christmas with them on Christmas Eve. Or the Saturday after Christmas (or before). Be the bigger person, not petty. Not to cater to your STBXW, but to make things easier on your kids!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
We are in the same house, and will likely be until the spring. My W wanted to talk to the kids last Sunday, but I got her to delay a week. The convo is supposed to be Mom and Dad are having a rough time, but not get into specifics like we are getting a divorce.
My W asked me yesterday about getting the Xmas decorations out. Boy, this will be one for the record books.
We are in the same house, and will likely be until the spring. My W wanted to talk to the kids last Sunday, but I got her to delay a week. The convo is supposed to be Mom and Dad are having a rough time, but not get into specifics like we are getting a divorce.
My W asked me yesterday about getting the Xmas decorations out. Boy, this will be one for the record books.
Wait, huh? So you are going to tell the kids that you are having a rough time? I am not sure I agree with that approach. Are you guys in separate bedrooms? Even then I am not sure you should have a pre-pre-D talk. Not sure what that accomplishes.
The kids will ask "Are you going to get a divorce?" What are you and your W's plan for answering that? "We don't know yet."? Why even discuss this with the kids if there is nothing concrete to tell them?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Bomb dropped in June, I itially I thought WAW. Beg, plead, apologize. Soon find DBDR, start in earnest. Seem to have some progress, then progress stops. Get some DB Coaching, maybe MLC, maybe depression. Maybe affair? Me-Impossible!
W goes to nyc to see family and get space, however spends most time in friends vacant Manhattan apartment.
Comes back, now in separate br, and don’t come into bathroom when I’m in it, makes her uncomfortable. I agree no pressure space.
Well 2 days later comes home from work at about 8 pm, needs bubble bath to de stress. Oh, and H, can you fix tub hot water not working. Goes in bath, candles wine, soft music. Well guess what, I’m in the room next door and she has om on speakerphone!! 90 minutes!!
Comes out I say I know what’s going on. Her answer, What did you hear? Oh, that’s nothing, that’s my confidant. What! You have a confidant I don’t know about for 27 years?
Get DB coaching, give her the I know you’re having an affair, your a big girl, etc. speech only thing that seems to penetrate fog is telling her she’s going to lose daughter’s respect. Gaslight, I’m crazy, only daughter would think she’s have affair is if I (H) planted it.
Kids are clueless, they don’t see mom ghosting out all dressed up tons of perfume. Smells and looks good.
Wife ghost 6 to 8 hours four days in a row. Kids car breaks down, so one car for 3 people cuz mommy is nowhere to be found. Wife comes in about 1030 pm, tells d21 oh i can drive you! Really, you’re Mia but now you can help! I was drinking watching football, I tell W we don’t need you, bad argument, D21 crying cuz I’m attacking mommy. (If she only knew) D21 leaves sobbing, Me and wife still going at it.
I tell her you’re having MLC, you need help, You have a boyfriend and I’m not telling, I’m the only one looking out for you. She denies affair, a blantant easily disproven lie straight to my face ( I thinks this hurts me the worst)
Still “sneaking “ around, erases trip odometer, locks br door to text, DB coach says she’s like a teenager.
I’ve told her I’m not moving out, she has plenty of money to move. My plan at this get D17 into college summer 2021 then who knows?
Oh, and don’t bother posting the links, I’ve read them already. Thx for listening.
Nick, wow do I sympathize. My story is a little older than yours but it took me nearly a year to find DB, and then a month to finally begin posting. You can ready my story here if interested ... although I expect you probably don't want to at this stage, that's OK! You have to get through your own situation.
But the DB principles are spot on. I fought them for awhile, but the veterans here (Steve, LH19, others) did not let up on me. I started posting elsewhere, too, reading other stories, and I found the principles to be sinking in. They work. They help you let go. Sometimes the advice was brutal for me, but they were right.
Detach. GAL. Do your 180s. And the hardest part is the detach part, letting go, letting her do her MLC boyfriend thing. You have to decide if you'll ever let her back due to her betrayal. But that's separate from the DB principles. Steve said it clearly -- stop losing sleep over the things you can't control, meaning her behavior.
Feel free to reach out. My pain is still raw as my divorce is a long way from being final.
