Hopefully Drifting Ashore (Riding the Wave 4)

[Pommy99]

With all that being said I'm taking a break from here for a while. Watching everything fall apart for you, Pommy, and Sage as it looked like you all were rounding the corner to the finish line is really affecting me. I almost checked his phone records yesterday. I've gotten incredibly paranoid. And please don't think there's any blame here. Because there isn't. This is on me. But being surrounded by this is making it hard. I wish there was a board being actively used by people who are reconciling and piecing, but we don't really have that here. I think that's probably why people drop off the face of Earth when things start to go uphill around here. This is crazy hard to rebuild trust when I keep wondering how much time I have before he starts talking to OW again. I love and appreciate you all very, very much. And you cardinal and wooba!!! But I think it's time to say good by for a month or two. I'll check back in then. I'll be thinking about all of you. Putting out all the positive energy I can in your directions. xoxoxxoxo

WF, I hear you. I have to keep myself away sometimes because it can really bring me down. As one who tends to overthink, this exacerbates things tenfold. Sometimes it's better to just let things be. The internet can be a wonderful resource, but so can a blank canvas. Keep your head clear and just "be" for a while. Enjoy your break and will look forward to your next instalment. xx

[Sage4]

Hi sweet WF.

You are so smart and wise and compassionate and I have no doubt that your journey is only going to continue towards the light. I admire your decision to take a break from anything that is not serving you right now, although I will miss your wisdom here on these boards. I know deep in my bones that you and H are going to find your rhythm and you will be one of those posters that pops back in months or years from now with a truly happy success story.

Wayfarer, so much love to you.

xx

[may22]

Wayfarer,

Sending love, so much love, your way. I totally get it (and kind of feel it would be smart for me to do the same). But please know that our sitches aren't yours.

You have shared so much with me and helped me so much through all of this. The nice thing about these boards is that we can go back and read things again and please know I'll be relying on the support you've already given me as I move forward.

I have every confidence in you. AND because I can't help a tiny bit of solutioning, can you let him do one tiny thing for you? Just a test? Let him make dinner and clean up after, or something? I keep remembering him buying all that (bacon or something? in bulk?) and calling you to ask how to freeze it. He never left you, WF. You're his person. Let him show you. Something small that is nbd. And see how that makes you feel. And if it is okay, after some time, let him do something else.

Thank you so much, WF, for all you've given me. I'm a better and stronger person because of you.

xx M

[wayfarer]

Update:
So things are chugging along. We've started opening the can of worms. H is much more comfortable talking about why he decided to turn back toward me and the marriage then discussing why he turned away. I still think it's going to be a long time before he really understands himself in the situation, but it is what it is. I think he really needs to start IC but working through this between the two of us has been going pretty well so far. H is open and honest. He listens and is invested in working through this. Emotionally I feel closer to him now than I have in ages. General kindness and thoughtfulness is a complete 180 from where we were. I'm actually kicking myself for thinking he was helpful around the house or invested in being a partner with me in M 1.0. H's willingness to help alleviate the workload, understanding how much of a financial burden I was carrying with the smaller income, just being genuinely grateful for what I do is like a whole different world. This was stuff I was honestly resentful for the whole time and I didn't realize how p!ssed I was about it until I didn't have a reason to be mad about it any more.

We've dug into other things like how H likes to jump to worst case scenario with the girls and how frustrating it is for me to have to jump in and be the buffer or the one to smooth things over and I'm not willing to do that any more. He needs to gain control of his temper with them and be less fatalistic. That his tantrums don't benefit anyone certainly not the kids, and that there are better ways to approach problems. That not everything is a Dad on 11 problem. That if the girls aren't on the street corner selling themselves, getting hopped up on aderall/doing blow/playing with MDMA or committing felonies, that his reactions are so over the top. That there is like 1-10 he could utilize but it's always straight to 11 and then I'm left to do the real parenting and then come in and fix the rift he made. That all this basically comes down to me being tired of you resenting me for things the girls haven't done yet blaming these imaginary scenarios are caused by me "coddling" them and me resenting you right now for your absolutely ridiculous behavior that's affecting them in the here and now. We've always had very different parenting styles and while he's slowly migrated to my side of the fence, in "crisis," (that's in quotes because anything that the girls do that causes slightly more than a minor inconvenience is a crisis to him) he's back to authoritarian dad. Working through that and just getting it out there has helped open more conversations about parenting the kids especially as we approach the years of having adult children in our home.

School and work and the kids are getting harder and harder to juggle and thankfully H is really picking up the slack and being super supportive of my schooling. I have upped my meds. This time of year and with all that's going on in the world I was seriously, seriously struggling. In the last couple of weeks I can feel a difference. I'm not exactly all rainbows and sunshine but I'm not arguing with myself about getting out of bed in the morning any more.

In other news, my maid of honor/childhood best friend is expecting. She started dating her H around the time H and I started dating. They were engaged after H and I were already married but they had a super short engagement so they could start working on the growing family thing as we aren't exactly getting any younger. I had no idea how much this would affect me. With H re-investing in the marriage I don't have that same anger that he stole 7 years from me any more, but I do still feel like he stole a year of my life. He stole a year of our marriage to find something he still can't articulate and never actually found out there. A year and half ago he wanted to have a house and be trying for a baby by now. A year ago he started an EA that led to a PA that led us here. And now by the time we get our marriage fully back on track I will be nearly 40, our kids will both be adults, and the concept of a baby at that time would just be ridiculous. Right now I'm dealing with the anger of his demons taking something he's known I've wanted for 8 years. I brought it up with IC and were going to be working through that.

But I guess the point of all this is that the anger, the sadness. All that stuff just comes in waves. This whole process of working through my feelings around this sh!tstorm feels much like the way my grief for my mother washes over me. At first it's constant like surviving a shipwreck in a storm. Out to sea adrift hanging on to what you can to survive waves and rain battering you. Feeling like your drowning in the anger and sadness. And little by little the storm clears. first the wind dies down and so do the pounding swells. Then the rain stops. At some point the sun starts to peek through and you have a little room to breath, but then remember your stranded in the middle of the ocean and trying to survive. Then slow you start to drift ashore. The waves pushing you along until you reach the safety of shore. More time passes and you start to forget you were ever in danger or how hard getting through all that was. Then a storm hits and it doesn't challenge your survival but it brings all that other stuff back up.

R after all of this isn't easy. It's exhausting. It's so much self work. And so much work together. But most days in most ways our MR is better and stronger. The fear of upsetting him for me is gone. I honestly didn't realize until all of this how much I was keeping to myself to keep the peace. Now I have the solace of "well what is he going to do, leave me?" I know that if that's his choice because I'm trying to have a healthy authentic relationship and to be healthy and true to myself then he was never really in this nor was he ever really for me.

We carve out time to talk about the heavy stuff. We carve out time to just enjoy each other's company. But the bulk of our time is spent living our everyday lives trying to get by in these weird weird times. I can honestly say I have no idea when I'll feel like we're out of the woods, but I feel like my intuition from the get go wasn't wrong. For better or worse I'm H's person and he's mine, and we'll keep chugging along.

Well that's 6 weeks worth of thought/word vomit. I hope at least some of that was coherent.

[Sage4]

Hi sweet Wayfarer! I have missed your wise words and am so happy to see an update from you!

Something you shared on May's thread stuck with me as I was reading your update:

For me it's a little more complex because I was trained to swallow this stuff from a young age. The only way I know how to advocate for myself is to first detach and then walk away with no going back. Making the choice to stay, and H's decision to turn back in to the marriage is a huge exercise for me to break my ingrained behavior. My fear with H turning back in is rooted in part in here.

Not only are you doing a ton of great work in your R right now (piecing is no walk in the park), but in light of the coping mechanisms you learned in childhood, you are also doing the extremely difficult task of re-wiring your brain into a whole new way of interacting with H, with yourself, with the world. Bravo, sister. You really are a wonder.

H is much more comfortable talking about why he decided to turn back toward me and the marriage then discussing why he turned away. I still think it's going to be a long time before he really understands himself in the situation, but it is what it is.

Do you think that part of this is H's fear of hurting you further? Do you think that maybe he is trying to protect you and fiercely guard his M with you right now? That maybe he is capable of recognizing the why's, but just not able to do so out loud for fear of what it may bring up?

In other news, my maid of honor/childhood best friend is expecting. She started dating her H around the time H and I started dating. They were engaged after H and I were already married but they had a super short engagement so they could start working on the growing family thing as we aren't exactly getting any younger. I had no idea how much this would affect me. With H re-investing in the marriage I don't have that same anger that he stole 7 years from me any more, but I do still feel like he stole a year of my life. He stole a year of our marriage to find something he still can't articulate and never actually found out there. A year and half ago he wanted to have a house and be trying for a baby by now. A year ago he started an EA that led to a PA that led us here. And now by the time we get our marriage fully back on track I will be nearly 40, our kids will both be adults, and the concept of a baby at that time would just be ridiculous. Right now I'm dealing with the anger of his demons taking something he's known I've wanted for 8 years. I brought it up with IC and were going to be working through that.

(((((wayfarer)))))

Words are too mere to fully encapsulate my feelings for you around this, but I see you, my heart feels for you.

But I guess the point of all this is that the anger, the sadness. All that stuff just comes in waves. This whole process of working through my feelings around this sh!tstorm feels much like the way my grief for my mother washes over me. At first it's constant like surviving a shipwreck in a storm. Out to sea adrift hanging on to what you can to survive waves and rain battering you. Feeling like your drowning in the anger and sadness. And little by little the storm clears. first the wind dies down and so do the pounding swells. Then the rain stops. At some point the sun starts to peek through and you have a little room to breath, but then remember your stranded in the middle of the ocean and trying to survive. Then slow you start to drift ashore. The waves pushing you along until you reach the safety of shore. More time passes and you start to forget you were ever in danger or how hard getting through all that was. Then a storm hits and it doesn't challenge your survival but it brings all that other stuff back up.

This is such a beautiful, resonant analogy.

R after all of this isn't easy. It's exhausting. It's so much self work. And so much work together. But most days in most ways our MR is better and stronger...
Now I have the solace of "well what is he going to do, leave me?" I know that if that's his choice because I'm trying to have a healthy authentic relationship and to be healthy and true to myself then he was never really in this nor was he ever really for me.

DB for life, baby. You are going to be the poster child of this forum if you keep it up with these sorts of truth bombs.

We carve out time to talk about the heavy stuff. We carve out time to just enjoy each other's company. But the bulk of our time is spent living our everyday lives trying to get by in these weird weird times. I can honestly say I have no idea when I'll feel like we're out of the woods, but I feel like my intuition from the get go wasn't wrong. For better or worse I'm H's person and he's mine, and we'll keep chugging along.

You are doing such a good job at all of this, WF.

xx

[may22]

Hi WF,

Jeez, I am seeing so many similarities between our Hs right now. The overreaction to the girls acting up, going straight to 11, blaming the behaviors on me coddling them... NUTS. Although I'm also realizing that I jump immediately to the defense when this happens, assume he's blaming me, when if I listen carefully that isn't always what is happening. How are you handling this stuff when it comes up? I know it is tense and the children are involved. Also, the deep deep insecurities you mentioned on Sage's thread.

I'm so glad things are going so well, even though the waves of anger and grief for what you've lost continue and will, probably, for some time. (((WF))) about your GF being pregnant and all that brings up. Just a small push, though, to not write your future today. I had my second daughter at 37 and know plenty of women who had children at 39 and 40. (three were on the table for us, we decided against it, but I would have been 39 or so had it happened.) Not to say that is the right path for you, but don't write it off as ridiculous quite yet.

Or, maybe after having had your first so young this is now your opportunity to travel and sleep in and do all the things that you didn't do in your twenties as a young mom, except now you have more money and sense and can do it all waaaaay better than your 20 year old self could, and this time with your H by your side.

Anyway, just to say... you have every right to be angry with your H for taking away the past year, and the security and all the rest. Feel it, own it, let it all wash over you. But you are in charge of you and if there are big things you really want to do with the next 40 plus years of your life... make them happen and drop the word "ridiculous" from your vocabulary about anything you want to do, unless it is ridiculous in a fun way.

((Wayfarer)) so glad to reconnect. And glad your thread is bumped back up-- hope some of the newbies who are in crisis read this and realize there is more than one way to DB. it doesn't all have to be kick them out of the house, file for D, and maybe they'll come back one day in the future. Yours is the path of the warrior and not everyone is cut out for it, but you're really an inspiration to me, at least.

xoxo M

[wayfarer]

Hey May and Sage,

I'm so happy to be following along with you guys again. I've missed this community. And it hurts so much less to be here now as we're finding our footing.

So to answer the things you've posed.

Do you think that part of this is H's fear of hurting you further? Do you think that maybe he is trying to protect you and fiercely guard his M with you right now? That maybe he is capable of recognizing the why's, but just not able to do so out loud for fear of what it may bring up?

I don't really know what the hiccup in the giddy up is with this. I'm sure hurting me is a factor. When we talk and we are actually really digging in he gets very upset when I cry. He can't handle making me cry. He's made comments about how I never really cried in front of him when he was so terrible to me except maybe once or twice, but re-hashing things makes me cry and if that's the case maybe we should find a different way to move forward. I explained that I cry now because I've allowed him to see me cry. That I've invited him in, and this is what comes with it.

When we discuss the why he kind of sticks with "I lost sight of you. I lost sight of us." Which is lovely, but it's why got to the A not why he let the A happen and why he kept pursing it. He feels like he was struggling with our marriage and my depression and letting go completely of his old life. We had been phasing out all things of our old lives and bringing in things that we chose together. Our home was a mish mosh of our two whole lives as separate little families we had been working toward a home of ours, apparently trying to get rid of his old recliner awakened some last gasp of who he was. All that made him think that I was mean, and parenting him, and negative all the time. He now realizes (without me having to tell him) that he created that dynamic. That he refused to understand my depression. That he completely checked out and left me to run the household, do all the parenting, and carry our relationship well before the affair and I was clearly becoming more and more unhappy and resentful and not being quiet about it. (Ironically enough though I was quiet about A LOT, I just wasn't quiet about everything). He can see now that while dealing with grief and my depression he abandoned me emotionally long before he entered the A, but he kept telling himself it was my fault not his. He now has realized that he was the one making the situation worse for both of us not me. That I was doing the best I could but under the weight of everything he had unloaded on me it looked like I wasn't really doing anything. He kept letting himself believe that narrative until...he started seeing me go out and be happy, have a great time with my friends, smile ear to ear without him. Seeing me lose weight and get my hair and nails done because I had time to go to the gym and the salon while he was guilt cooking for the kids or taking them out to dinner. He started to realize maybe it wasn't me making him unhappy but him making me unhappy. Which then circles us back to the why of why he leaned back in.

I don't know why he or we can't just get to the heart of the A. He could've left. He could've asked for a divorce. He didn't have to have that A to reach his goal which was clearly set before the A even started. He could've stopped before the EA became a PA. Especially now that I know how little physicality was involved why even cross that line. My god, the man had to get pills because his junk wouldn't work with her. (BTW I've never had that issue with him, never) He could've stopped at the PA and not leave and turn back then. He could've dumped OW first. But none of that happened. There's more here than he doesn't want to hurt me, but as I write this I think I might know what it is. Far less toxic than not wanting to be wrong but still a little sad, I think he doesn't want to dig into that because it makes him look stupid. Because I've given him the space to not have to be 100% remorseful I think he's ok with being wrong, but he's still not ok with being the one who really was the fool here. I'll have to chew on that a bit and figure out how we can get past that to get to the last why I'm holding out for.

The overreaction to the girls acting up, going straight to 11, blaming the behaviors on me coddling them... NUTS. Although I'm also realizing that I jump immediately to the defense when this happens, assume he's blaming me, when if I listen carefully that isn't always what is happening. How are you handling this stuff when it comes up? I know it is tense and the children are involved. Also, the deep deep insecurities you mentioned on Sage's thread.

So with this my H is blaming me. He'll come out and say it. That's the sticking point. When things pop up since we've had the first big fight about it it's been a little easier to stop him in his tracks. Honestly I'm not stopping him in the most healthy ways yet. I'm still jumping in and at him like a misbehaving dog, I typically divert with a loud "Hey" or "Enough." Typically followed by either "is this really how you want to do this?" or a "I'm sorry, but I'm not understanding why this involves yelling." He's receptive. I know it's undermining him in a way, but I'm not fixing his messes. I'll give him the opportunity to correct it's up to him if he's going to or not. He very well could get mean, start fighting with me and escalate the situation but he doesn't. Maybe we can come up with a better solution in the future, but I'm hoping he'll just start correcting himself and I can be done with this entirely.

Just a small push, though, to not write your future today. I had my second daughter at 37 and know plenty of women who had children at 39 and 40. (three were on the table for us, we decided against it, but I would have been 39 or so had it happened.) Not to say that is the right path for you, but don't write it off as ridiculous quite yet.

Or, maybe after having had your first so young this is now your opportunity to travel and sleep in and do all the things that you didn't do in your twenties as a young mom, except now you have more money and sense and can do it all waaaaay better than your 20 year old self could, and this time with your H by your side.

So I don't think having babies later in life is ridiculous I do think though us having a 20 year old and a 19 year old and a baby is. I wanted to start 3 years ago. When the large gap was at least a little less expansive. And if one of us had never had children I think I could reason it out better. Like my childhood friend. She's never had kids. Her H has 2 from a previous relationship. Like her mother did when she married her step-dad. I think the whole thing would've been more reasonable. And I feel bad for being angry about something I wasn't even sure about any more before the A happened. At this point I'm battling the concept of having a baby and getting to do things the "right" way for the first time in my life. Being excited about a positive pregnancy test. Making a nursery. Not feeling guilty registering for a shower. Raising a child with someone who, I don't know, loves me, and is a good and invested father. I missed all that. But I also missed all what you said too May. I missed out so much of the fun stuff people do in their 20s. Traveling is a huge one. I would love to see and do things I never had the opportunity to do. But like I said that's something IC and I are working through right now. Helping me find the path I really want.

Anyway, just to say... you have every right to be angry with your H for taking away the past year, and the security and all the rest. Feel it, own it, let it all wash over you. But you are in charge of you and if there are big things you really want to do with the next 40 plus years of your life... make them happen and drop the word "ridiculous" from your vocabulary about anything you want to do, unless it is ridiculous in a fun way.

I do need to try to drop ridiculous from my vocabulary regarding my future. You are so right about that. I'm just at a cross roads still. Just not with my marriage as much as I used to be. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up and while I like my master's program I don't know if this is what I really want to do with the rest of my life. It's just what prudent. I don't know if I want a baby or if I want to enjoying bein a 40 year old empty nester. I don't know if we even want to stay in the city we're in. All of this stuff has really pushed me forward in examining all aspects of my life. Now I just need to start making decisions.

[may22]

Hi WF,

you seem like you're really handling this all so well. a few thoughts came up for me as I was reading your post:

There's more here than he doesn't want to hurt me, but as I write this I think I might know what it is. Far less toxic than not wanting to be wrong but still a little sad, I think he doesn't want to dig into that because it makes him look stupid. Because I've given him the space to not have to be 100% remorseful I think he's ok with being wrong, but he's still not ok with being the one who really was the fool here. I'll have to chew on that a bit and figure out how we can get past that to get to the last why I'm holding out for.

This is all so interesting. He's really done a lot of work around what was going on between the two of you and his own failings there-- I was really impressed to hear him owning up to so much. I am chewing on the space to not be 100% remorseful and trying that on for size right now. I read your post on my thread and it is making me think quite a bit right now, and joejoe posted something on curtis's thread about giving your WS the space to make their own choices on their own timeline, and I see where I'm failing here in my insistence on this 110% remorseful tomorrow thing.

In your sitch, though, I am wondering-- what more information you need about what was going on in his mind? is it specifically around the cascade of choices he made to cheat? Lost and foolish and probably some MLC stuff mixed in there, seems to me-- girls getting ready to be out of the house, you're talking about a baby, his old chair, and wasn't she like a childhood family friend? Feels like he was just regressing, looking backwards, scared of growing old and wanted to rewind to when he was 20. That's just my armchair read on it, though. Does it bother you because you're worried it might happen again?

My god, the man had to get pills because his junk wouldn't work with her.

bahahahahahahahahaha thank you for sharing that.

All of this stuff has really pushed me forward in examining all aspects of my life. Now I just need to start making decisions.

hey, all good, good stuff. you are taking this situation that you were dropped in and turning it into an opportunity to grow in all areas. I'm so proud of you and happy for you. You're the DB champion, in my mind, in all aspects. And... no need to rush any of these decisions, either. It's OK to take it slow once in awhile. It also seems like you've gained a lot of perspective through all of this and ability to listen to yourself-- I'd say put those good skills to use as you test out different potential wayfarer futures.

xoxo M

[wayfarer]

Hey May,

I thought I'd finally get to your questions regarding what I need/want to know.

In your sitch, though, I am wondering-- what more information you need about what was going on in his mind? is it specifically around the cascade of choices he made to cheat? Lost and foolish and probably some MLC stuff mixed in there, seems to me-- girls getting ready to be out of the house, you're talking about a baby, his old chair, and wasn't she like a childhood family friend? Feels like he was just regressing, looking backwards, scared of growing old and wanted to rewind to when he was 20. That's just my armchair read on it, though. Does it bother you because you're worried it might happen again?

So to start with, I'm always worried it'll happen again. I try not to let it eat away at me. I try to let that part live in the recesses of my mind because frankly I have no desire to live in the fear that I'll be utterly devastated and betrayed again. As a person who had a year long PA I know if you do it once it's easy to do it again. The opportunity just needs to present itself, and you just need to be in the right frame of mine where your MR means a lot less to you than you're own happiness. If you got away with it once you could easily do it again. The flip side of that is that there's a huge potential for that never happening again. In the MR that succeed after an A there's a lot of talk about the MR being stronger and better than before. I know that's the case here and I try to keep that in mind. Who we are on the other side of this we are just in a better position for this to never happen again. I know there's a ton of talk around here about being seen as a person of value. Which is important but it's really more important in the earlier phases of this as that's how the WS/WAS is drawn back in. But on this side of an R it's really more do they see the MR as something of value? Is this important enough to put your individual ego, expectations, and unreasonable needs on the back shelf for the betterment of your MR? Are you willing to unpack all that ego, expectations and those needs to see why they need to go if you want a long lasting life time relationship?

I've seen a lot out there on how if the spouse never really saw the MR as a M, or truly understood what a MR is you're MR is already wide open to cheating. H never really understood M, or what a MR really means. Through this process has started to understand that love isn't just about individual happiness. It's not about being in a transactional relationship. That it's truly about being willing to sacrifice you're own happiness for the MR, your spouse and your children. He says that I got him there. That it hurts knowing that I loved him so deeply and until now he really didn't even know how to give that kind of love. The self sacrificing kind. It's in moments like that that I realize keeping that lighthouse imagery in my head in my hardest times was the very best thing I could've done for myself and for us. I'm not all about the good Christian wife stuff. That's just not who I am. But being an example of how to love trauma after trauma after trauma makes me feel like I'm not just doing something right in my MR or my family, but that I'm just doing something right. Not letting all the bad in my life chill my heart. Knowing that it's still beating and ready and willing to love no matter how many times it's been broken.

As to what I need to know now, it really isn't about the doing it again, or even the cascade of choices. I know how the cascade of choices works. I've been there. You tell your guilt and your gut to shut up once and when your life doesn't completely implode after that first questionable act it gets easier and easier to keep making wrong choices. Especially when the pay off is feeling something when you've felt nothing, or feeling good after feeling miserable for so long. Feeling seen after you've felt invisible. Feeling wanted and worthy after feeling rejected and worthless. Affairs are like a drug. It fills all the emotional holes that need plugging with none of the real work it takes to actually fill them. The function of the crappy choices need zero explanation to me. What I do need is one of Esther Perel's questions. Why did he feel entitled to the A? But also my own versions of some of her other questions. Like what was sOW offering that I wasn't? What was it like to be with her and then come home? Or be home and then be with her? Was he thinking about me and the girls at all when he was with her? What made him feel entitled to be my friend after what he did? What would've happened if it was me that had done what he did? That last one we've grazed. We wouldn't be where we are now I know that. But I need more insight into his head during that time. I need to understand where his head actually was at. I think because he's looking back on it and seeing how illogical and ridiculous his thought process was he doesn't want to talk about that. But I need confirmation that he was not ok in that time. That he wasn't processing and synthesizing things at the time like he normally would. I really just need to know that he was having a rough emotional time that he was ill equipped to handle and not a sociopath. But I think we run into that wall of he doesn't want to look stupid or foolish around me. That intelligence gap was/is a sticking point. I think that's why he only wants to talk about his "smart" choices not his stupid ones.

We'll see I guess.

[may22]

Wayfarer,

Thanks so much for sharing all of this.

But being an example of how to love trauma after trauma after trauma makes me feel like I'm not just doing something right in my MR or my family, but that I'm just doing something right. Not letting all the bad in my life chill my heart. Knowing that it's still beating and ready and willing to love no matter how many times it's been broken.

You're such an amazing soul. I love this.

Regarding the questions yet to be answered, I read in one of the affair recovery books (I think it was Shirley Glass) that she sometimes recommends that the betrayed partner write down all the questions they still want answered on slips of paper and put them in a jar, and when you designate time to talk about things the involved partner can pull a question they're OK with answering in that moment and talk about it. Would it help to have them written down and shared with him so that he knows they're on your mind, even if he isn't ready to talk about them? (or even write them down for yourself to share when he's ready to admit that maybe he was being kind of a dumb@$$?)

Our MC had suggested something similar back in the spring, when I still had all my unanswered questions. At that point, H didn't even want to see them, saying he felt it made the questions too concrete, or something, to have them written down for him to read. (And of course my questions were very simple fact-based questions that H didn't want to answer because he still wanted to lie about them.) l I feel like it isn't a good idea to push your H to answer questions before he's ready to answer them, but you also don't want to get to a place where it is obsessing YOU either, to not have asked them, and not to know the answers.

He may not be able to answer those questions yet because he does not know the answers himself. Or, he isn't ready to put himself back in that place of remembering how it felt to be in the A-- maybe still too raw or too guilty or embarrassed. So maybe recording them for yourself to be addressed when the time is right could help you let go of some of the anxiety around them.

The part about valuing the MR resonates a lot with me, right now.

xx M