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Steveís LRT phase 3 #2909275
11/24/20 09:40 PM
11/24/20 09:40 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 474
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Steve_ Offline OP
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Steve_  Offline OP
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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2909259&page=11

Previous thread link ^

Thanks for the support. Yeah Sandi I felt really stupid being played after she told me she didnít want to talk about the R anymore. I do feel slightly better for saying some of the things I did mean about forgiving her and still loving her because I did mean them and I sort of felt good to have her hear them even if she doesnít deserve it. I definately wonít be doing that again. She is completely blinded by her limerance for her new man and new life. Pretty obvious now. Sheís not even texting me angry stuff anymore. I did ask the VA to get me into some therapy, as far as the holidays go I am working all of them this year so I didnít have to sit at home. She has plans to spend Xmas with our kids and her new family. I didnít want to be around for that. Itís gonna be really hard I know it. Iím already looking ahead to come up with some plans or something I can do to occupy my time. Iíll have a lot more on my hands coming up. I hope the fitness center where I live opens up soon. Other than that can take some long walks do some push ups, sit ups etc. once this knot of anxiety leaves my chest Iíll be good to go.

She did text me today asking about our sonís fall picture. I responded with the link from the school only. She said she would order them and send me them framed. I said only ďI appreciate itĒ that was it.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
She moved in with "roomate" 10/15/20
OM "a friend" confirmed 10/27/20
OM gone 01/20/2021.
Filed 5/3/2021
OM returned 5/4/2021
Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 [Re: Steve_] #2909279
11/25/20 01:35 AM
11/25/20 01:35 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,849
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CWarrior Online
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Hi Steve_,

Originally Posted by Steve_
I did ask the VA to get me into some therapy

This really is what's most important. Your brain tells you to STOP contacting her, but your emotions are in control. What you described feeling towards her sounds like 80% addiction and 20% love. Really consider blocking her calls and texts until you've gone to a few therapy sessions and feel in control again.

Originally Posted by Steve_
as far as the holidays go I am working all of them this year

Huh?! My kids are so important to me, I would never consider working every holiday. I would re-evaluate this one. What do you value in life, and is this choice supporting your values? It's okay if you have different values. This is more a question of alignment than a question of right or wrong.

Originally Posted by Steve_
Other than that can take some long walks do some push ups, sit ups etc. once this knot of anxiety leaves my chest Iíll be good to go.

Yes! I love the feeling of working out and being more fit--even if I can only squeeze 20-30 minutes in most days. Yesterday it was just squats, calf raises, bridges, and one-legged balances.


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 [Re: Steve_] #2909283
11/25/20 03:34 AM
11/25/20 03:34 AM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 474
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Steve_ Offline OP
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Regarding the holidays I would have had to work one of them regardless, being a nurse and so on. And with OMís family coming down and all I just decided to do something with the kids before hand or after just them and I. I canít deal with seeing that yet but Iíll do something for the kids for sure.

She did ask me why I didnít face time her today at like 708pm each day I put the kids on the phone (only the kids) at 7 sharp. I was on the phone with my bank to replace my debit card I have a picture of us on our wedding day everyone loves it and comments and so I wanted to make it a regular one without our photo. I just said ďon the phone with the bankĒ when she called. I started to type out why I was and realized ..thatís an R talk, no no no. Not doing that. Just left it at ďon the phone with bank Iíll have em call you shortlyĒ it wasnít a big step but I did resist the urge to have an R talk. Iím a little proud of that usually I would jump at that. After how badly I embarrassed myself yesterday I learned better. Got a whole day of smart contact down. Itís just a baby step but finally in the right direction.

Last edited by Steve_; 11/25/20 03:37 AM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
She moved in with "roomate" 10/15/20
OM "a friend" confirmed 10/27/20
OM gone 01/20/2021.
Filed 5/3/2021
OM returned 5/4/2021
Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 [Re: Steve_] #2909284
11/25/20 04:45 AM
11/25/20 04:45 AM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 95
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Kind18 Offline
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Quote
I started to type out why I was and realized ..thatís an R talk, no no no. Not doing that. Just left it at ďon the phone with bank Iíll have em call you shortlyĒ it wasnít a big step but I did resist the urge to have an R talk.


Fk yes grin grin

That is the first time youíve intervened yourself, because you KNOW anything further would have created pain for you.

Do this over and over and over again. Stick to your mandate. And each time you do that it will get incrementally easier.

I was very similar to you when I arrived. A love sick puppy who took everything on as my fault and would have moved mountains to make it work, not realising this person I was trying to live was incredibly messed up and toxic. Today, 12 months after I came here in despair - Iíve just served her with divorce papers. You will get your strength back. Itís just a slow process, all you have to do is one interaction at a time. Donít worry about tomorrow, or next week, or next month. Just worry about today.

And go get fit.

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 [Re: Steve_] #2909302
11/25/20 08:42 PM
11/25/20 08:42 PM
Joined: May 2020
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Steve, this is all so hard and you are in a tremendous amount of pain. I know it is hard to imagine, but every single person on this board has felt the same pain your are suffering at the moment. And we are all here, all surviving and many of us doing even better than we were pre-BD.

So, can I give you a few things to hold onto right now?

1. Forgive yourself.
2. Time will heal.
3. This too shall pass.
4. The heart is a wonder.

The rejection is clouding your ability to see your own life clearly. It happens to all of us. But you and only you are responsible for dealing with your reaction to the rejection. Once you have had a chance to really engage with that rejection and understand the root of your reaction, you will be well on your way to healing. So start there. In time, you will see that everything you are experiencing actually has little to do with your W and everything to do with your own emotions. So you really have way more power and control than you know. You will get there, we all do. Take one small step at a time.

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 [Re: Steve_] #2909316
11/25/20 09:53 PM
11/25/20 09:53 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 474
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Steve_ Offline OP
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Thank you sage. She made an attempt at me this morning. I wonít let her see me to drop the kids off and she was mad I let them stay with me in my apartment the last couple days. She said ďgood morning Iím going to my moms for breakfast so you donít accidently see meĒ with a like smirking face emoji.

I could have let that pull me into ďI want to see you, I miss you but I canít because blah blah blah Iím hurting and so onĒ nope I didnít. Another day down. I will overcome this. I can do this.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
She moved in with "roomate" 10/15/20
OM "a friend" confirmed 10/27/20
OM gone 01/20/2021.
Filed 5/3/2021
OM returned 5/4/2021
Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 [Re: Steve_] #2909320
11/25/20 10:31 PM
11/25/20 10:31 PM
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 386
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JosephS Offline
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I know itís hard to imagine, but the day is coming where you look back at this in the rear view mirror and will see how far youíve come. And you will be happier than you could imagine. You will be grateful you went through all this and you will be grateful she is gone. You will see this marriage and how youíve been horribly treated for what it is and youíll know in your heart you deserve more.


Me: 37
W: 34
Together 17 years
Married 16 years
5 kids, 17,16,13,12,8
Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 [Re: Steve_] #2909336
11/26/20 09:51 AM
11/26/20 09:51 AM
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 427
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OnlyBent Online
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Originally Posted by Steve_
Another day down. I will overcome this. I can do this.


One day at a time Steve, just keep swimming. I liken these sorts of things to starting out going to the gym. The first few days, even weeks are hard. You really have to force yourself to turn up. But after a while, with a bit of consistency, it becomes harder not to go. Its called a habit, takes at least 21 days.


Me: 38 W:40
T: 14 M: 11
S: 4
BD1: IHS Nov 2019
BD2: ILYBNILWY Jun 2020
OM since Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 [Re: Steve_] #2909370
11/27/20 01:25 AM
11/27/20 01:25 AM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 95
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Kind18 Offline
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Quote
I could have let that pull me into ďI want to see you, I miss you but I canít because blah blah blah Iím hurting and so onĒ nope I didnít.


Did you reply, or ignore?

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 [Re: Steve_] #2909385
11/27/20 05:36 PM
11/27/20 05:36 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 474
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Steve_ Offline OP
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Steve_  Offline OP
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I Ignored. Yesterday was tough. My son was sad all day long because I wasn't there. Our best friend and god son told me that thanksgiving was awkward and nobody stayed. She and OM showed up uninvited. The family couldn't even post pics as they always do. What a mess.

She started sending me snapchats of her and my son all morning, I asked her "please stop" she said "sorry"

She wanted to bring me a dinner plate at 8. I asked her to stay in the car and send my son only. She didn't listen, she came up holding two plates. And she let OM drive her to my place. I asked her never to bring him around. Her excuse was that she cant drive to due to breast reduction surgery. I said "fine, but i had a good reason I didn't want him knowing where I live.. but never bring him here again, thanks for bringing our son by" she realized why and said "oh, you were trying to keep a safe place for me and the kids to go if things got bad or I wanted out, damn im an idiot" I jsut said "yeah, but its not like he could step to me anyways", she said "yeah true it doesn't matter then" When she came up I didn't talk to her at all I kept it short told my son thank you, I love you and kissed him and and closed the door before she could start talking.

Everyone in the family tells me they miss me, they all say he is a ugly trash mistake and every one of them says there is a timer or expiration date on this relationship of hers. That's funny to me. I left the door open for her to come back if she wants and OM is so insecure about it he is trying everything to hold onto her, forcing her into his family and life. Its pathetic. He actually fought with her because she was crying and packing her stuff to come to my place and he guilt tripped her with "you cant leave i gave up everything for you" blah blah blahÖ Honestly I was really sad yesterday but today im better because I really started to realize that im not the only one that sees they are both scum bags and karma will catch up to them. Im actually a really good guy she is the one losing here not me.

Knew this first holiday would be messy with all the family, all the lying and kids being so confused, she still sleeps on the couch in front of them so they don't see them in bed. My son doesn't want to sleep in the bed there anymore he told her he wants to stay on the couch with her. what a mess, so glad this isn't on me.

Anyways right back to NC im actually relieved that is over. I feel a lot better today.

Last edited by Steve_; 11/27/20 05:45 PM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
She moved in with "roomate" 10/15/20
OM "a friend" confirmed 10/27/20
OM gone 01/20/2021.
Filed 5/3/2021
OM returned 5/4/2021
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