You do realize pressuring her into making a decision will likely lead to something she doesn’t want to do which will completely backfire, right? You must know this.
Yep, this is why ultimatums never work. They fall wholly into the category of pressure and pursuit. And pressure and pursuit 99.99999% of the time do not work. It is as close to a guarantee of pushing your spouse to D faster than they themselves ever intended!
Now, Steve_ your situation is a lot different in that most of us do not believe you should be trying to save your marriage with this terrible, lying, cheating woman. Based on the history here, even if you were to lure, manipulate, DB her back, she would pull this again on you and you'd find yourself right back in the same situation again. This is why the advice here is to run for the hills, do the work on yourself to healthily and happily move forward to a great life.
Steve_, if you read my threads, while there aren't a ton of parallels between my sitch and yours, but one thing I think you could benefit from is my mindset. As I embraced my WAW's desire to get her own place and move out, I started to get excited about my future prospects! Our marriage has been miserable leading up to BD. And while I did want to save my marriage, I was excited at what the future might bring unshackled to a marriage that wasn't working for anyone! I know a lot of LBSs, especially LBHs for some reason, struggle with what this means for their kids, but a bad marriage is bad for both spouses and it is bad for the children too. That is what a lot of LBSs don't see. As my favorite bald Texan TV psychologist likes to say "kids would rather be FROM a broken home than IN a broken home."
These last few responses from people are trying to get you to see that sitting and waiting for her to make a choice, even until Monday, is not in your best interest. Move into your new place, start your new life, and move forward!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Your point #7 is precisely why I needed to do this.
She cannot continue thinking she can pick me up at the drop of a hat. All I have done is give her that impression. When I go dark she digs up reasons to use my kids against me to do this and that because she wants to continue to manipulate me. You don’t understand it but she has done /said multiple things to leave the door open for herself and has lined up the replacement man. All I am trying to do is shut that door so that I can actually start DBing. She will chose him I know it. But at least after that she has to fess up to it and I can begin to DB instead of sit in perpetual limbo. I had to realize I’m not strong enough to hold myself accountable to detach without her making a choice and not playing me. Monday is the day this crap ends and I can GAL and DB. Letting this happen without standing my ground has been fruitless for my own moving on. This isn’t about her, it’s about me. I’m sure that makes no sense to you all and I’m sure you will tell me that ultimatums don’t work. Yeah it won’t work for her. But it will for me. I have to stand up to her at some point and draw my line and stop playing the “I’m not so sure game” that’s all I’m doing here.
My wife’s biggest fear is not being in control. That’s why she is uncomfortable with OM and keeping me here. I have to take that control away. Then she has nothing but her mess that she chose when I gave her a chance. Then she can never say it’s on me. That is all I want. To be free from the games.
Last edited by Steve_; 11/20/2006:17 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
This ultimatum is not about getting her back, it’s about getting me back and out of limbo. Nothing more nothing less.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
I am really sorry this is so difficult to you. I hope you are still seeking help with the VA. What you are dealing with I feel will not get better without professional treatment from a trained psychiatrist. To give this women so much power over you is a horrible state to be in right now. You have fought in a war and jumped out of airplanes yet life without this woman is what really terrifies you. I am sorry but I don't think this is ever going to end. For some reason she gets her rocks off playing with your emotions. You are going to sit in perpetual limbo until you decide to put an end to it. I hope that some day you are able to find peace.
She will chose him I know it. But at least after that she has to fess up to it and I can begin to DB instead of sit in perpetual limbo. I had to realize I’m not strong enough to hold myself accountable to detach without her making a choice and not playing me. I’m sure you will tell me that ultimatums don’t work.
It's unlikely to work because this is all fantasy--that because you ask this manipulative woman to say on Monday, "I choose my new BF" she will comply, and that it will be enough for you (when seeing her move in with him and introduce him to the kids was not), and that she will stop manipulating and playing you.
You don’t understand it but she has done /said multiple things to leave the door open for herself and has lined up the replacement man. All I am trying to do is shut that door so that I can actually start DBing.
I understand completely, b/c that what WW's do.........leave the door open for themselves. That's why they throw just enough crumbs at the LBH to mess with his head.
It sounds to me as if you are wanting her to make a decision for you. An ultimatum was not needed in order for you to let go and move on. I'm not sure what you mean by trying to shut the door so that you start DBing. You said, " if you don’t make up your mind by then I’m walking away and never looking back” [/i] Will you? It sounds pretty final. How does a man walk away and never look back, when he can't detach? I get the impression you believe it would force you into detaching.
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She will chose him I know it. But at least after that she has to fess up to it and I can begin to DB instead of sit in perpetual limbo.
No she doesn't. Let me tell you the results I've seen on the board in times past, when the LBH would give his WW an ultimatum to choose by certain date & time. If she even contacts the LBH, she waits until the eleventh hour, and then gives the same old song & dance of not being sure, doesn't know what to do, yada, yada.
I think you've set yourself up for more games. YOU need to be the one who has enough self respect to call the shots about this relationship. The very fact you are still giving her an opportunity to make a choice.......is just pathetic. Do you seriously think she is worried that you would walk away and never look back at her?
The only thing that draws a WW's attraction to her H, is to see him no longer put up with her b.s. and manipulation. To see him let go of her and enjoy life without her being any part of it. It's when she realizes she's really lost him.
Even if she says she chooses you, how could you trust her? I think I read where you had been through this about five times? She's a serial cheater. How many more times are you willing to suffer this experience? You are already suffering from the thought of her choosing the OM over you. Do you see it as a big win, if you can just get her back home?
Ultimatums are not boundaries, and I've not personally seen ultimatums succeed in getting the LBH what he truly wants from his WW. For one thing, the LBH would have to be strong enough to stick to what he said, should she not choose him. I'm concerned how you think it frees you to DB, should she not choose you over OM. Why couldn't you make your own decision and shut the door, based on your personal values, boundaries, etc.?
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I had to realize I’m not strong enough to hold myself accountable to detach without her making a choice and not playing me.
Okay, but hear me out. She is going to play you! This ultimatum is nothing but a game to her. You've given her all the power to decide for you. She will toy with your feelings and your life, without commitment or the necessary work a WW has to accomplish in order to CHANGE.
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I have to stand up to her at some point and draw my line and stop playing the “I’m not so sure game” that’s all I’m doing here.
And how do you do that ^^^^^^^^? You haven't drawn a line in the sand! You gave her power to decide for the both of you!
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Then she can never say it’s on me.
Sure she can! This means nothing to her! A WW doesn't need permission to blame her H. She will lie and say it's on you, anytime she wants. If she has no integrity, honor or loyalty.......she's not going to hesitate to put everything on you, whenever it suits her. She's going to justify herself, and your sentiments above will have no baring on her. You are giving her too much credit for even caring.
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That is all I want. To be free from the games.
Good luck! ((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If you go ahead with the ultimatum, you must be prepared to act on it immediately and stay the course if she chooses the OM. If you cannot follow through on the ultimatum, you should not do it. And there will be tremendous pushback to make you yield and go back to being Plan B.
