In her mind she still has me and that has to stop. She has to say it to feel it. [S]he has to make the choice now that her secret is unraveled. That is what it will take for us to move on. She has never been able to do that. It is neccesary. And painful but I’m ready.
Steve, you don't control her. She doesn't have to say it just because you want her to.
”for us to move on”, is an impossible sentence. There is no ”us”.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
I think it's cruel that your W says she misses you, that's emotional abuse IMO. It's just a ploy to keep you from moving on, not because she loves you, but because she's a master manipulator.
In her ideal world, she wants to be with OM (or several OM) while you pine away for her. That's not love.
I've been here for years and I don't think I've seen a WW as bad as yours is. 5 affairs? She's trash.
My advice, divorce her and never look back. After you heal, you will find a woman that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Meanwhile, your WW will be hopping from bed to bed, which apparently she's really good at.
I stopped saying anything to her. It’s been 3 days. She reached out, told me she missed me, told me she wasn’t sure if this is what she wanted. She had surgery yesterday and will be messed up for a week. Don’t even know what To say to all that. I simply said “well you keep doing it?” She said “I’m in too deep now” I just told her “that’s an excuse, you had no problem making us sell our home and filing divorce on me, stop playing games with me, you have until Monday To make up your mind, you keep saying you want out over and over well now is your chance before you dig the hole deeper and the kids find out, I’ll help you get out but if you don’t make up your mind by then I’m walking away and never looking back” haven’t said a word to her since then. She calls me face time I put the kids on the phone and stay off it. I don’t speak and I don’t reply. I have nothing left to say.
I mean it 100%. I can’t do this anymore. I am ready to let go and get on with my life. This is BS. I’ve done everything I can to allow her to correct this mistake. If she doesn’t take it fine. I began cutting her out of my life and she knows that which is why she is trying to keep me on a leash. I refused going to her sisters for dinner. I don’t want to be part of her family anymore. Now or never no more excuses. I get to hold my head up high if she says no. And I don’t have t have the shame and regret she will have. That’s good enough for me. I never cut her off or gave an ultimatum. I was always too weak to do that. This time I don’t care anymore. I’m just tired of this. At this point I could care less what happens, I just want it to be over.
How did she reach out? How did she word the missing you and not sure what she wanted? Is the question "Well you keep doing it?" listening or validating?
In short, did you stick to the rules of engagement.
Ex. Her: "I miss you." You: NO RESPONSE Her: "I am not not sure this is what I want." You: NO RESPONSE
Remember, you are LRT. Do not answer phonecalls. If it is important then she will leave a message or follow up with a text. If she texts a statement, you do not respond! If she asks a question, take your own sweet time in responding, but then you respond in the shortest message possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.
If she engages with you around kid pickup or drop-off....LISTEN and VALIDATE!
You only ever initiate contact when it is logistics around picking up your kids, or dropping them off. That's it.
Again, you engage with her way too much at this point. You get in back-and-forths. Every time you do that, regardless of what you say (and trust me she doesn't believe she only has until Monday any more than I believe there is a man in the moon!) it tells her you are still on the hook.
ACTION OVER WORDS.
Last edited by Steve85; 11/19/2010:04 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I won’t. I can’t. That’s why I needed this. I needed the closure. I have to feel I did all in my power before I give up. This changes my life and my kids life. I had to know I did my best. I gave it 3 months of validating, listening, blaming myself etc. this ultimatum probably isn’t smart, probably will get me hurt. But I’m okay with it. Because it will be the closure I need to move on. I would have stayed in limbo for months or even years. I can’t do that. I have to wipe the table off. The choice must be made clearly and finally. That is what I needed. I told her if she doesn’t respond by Monday at 10pm I’m walking away. I meant it. I mean it. That way I can look back and have no shame, no regret. It sounds stupid but I needed to do that. Before I can let go. It won’t go the way I want I know that, I’m ready for that. Just needed to have this after 10 years before I can do the rest. She meant a lot and it needed to take a lot to let go. I see that, and I think once this time passes I can live with myself without blaming myself. I offered the chance of a lifetime to someone who doesn’t deserve it. Wrong or right it makes me feel like I did my best, and that will help me let her go.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
I’ll let you guys know what happens. But I think we already know what will. Anyways see you on Monday.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
I’m sorry to see you’re still doing this. She’s already made her choice. You are literally telling someone who’s left and picked someone else to make a decision about who they’re gonna pick. It’s already happened.
So if she calls at 7am Tuesday and changes her mind you’d really say to late?
Last edited by JosephS; 11/20/2005:28 AM.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
I stopped saying anything to her. It’s been 3 days. She reached out, told me she missed me, told me she wasn’t sure if this is what she wanted.
Steve, I am sorry you are dealing with this, it truly [censored]. You seem to have the worst of it, you don't deserve it, but it is what it is.
I'm no DB expert but I do know that you are supposed to keep doing what works. And it seemed like no contact was working for you, and seemingly her to some extent (whilst acknowledging the above quote is garbage by her anyway). But who knows, maybe another 6 months of your best effort at no contact may have genuinely brought about remorse and change in this woman. But instead you took the easy option of giving an ultimatum that no one thinks you will keep if it came down to it.
My advice, which as I said probably isn't worth much given where I am, but I would take back the offer, say it was a mistake and then go back to being dark. This offer will just eat you up for the next 3 days, jeopardising whatever progress you have made so far. Waiting 3 days for this person to decide the fate of your marriage is not self-respect.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
You do realize pressuring her into making a decision will likely lead to something she doesn’t want to do which will completely backfire, right? You must know this.
