Steve_'s LRT phase 2

[Steve_]

I stopped saying anything to her. It’s been 3 days. She reached out, told me she missed me, told me she wasn’t sure if this is what she wanted. She had surgery yesterday and will be messed up for a week. Don’t even know what To say to all that. I simply said “well you keep doing it?” She said “I’m in too deep now” I just told her “that’s an excuse, you had no problem making us sell our home and filing divorce on me, stop playing games with me, you have until Monday To make up your mind, you keep saying you want out over and over well now is your chance before you dig the hole deeper and the kids find out, I’ll help you get out but if you don’t make up your mind by then I’m walking away and never looking back” haven’t said a word to her since then. She calls me face time I put the kids on the phone and stay off it. I don’t speak and I don’t reply. I have nothing left to say.

I mean it 100%. I can’t do this anymore. I am ready to let go and get on with my life. This is BS. I’ve done everything I can to allow her to correct this mistake. If she doesn’t take it fine. I began cutting her out of my life and she knows that which is why she is trying to keep me on a leash. I refused going to her sisters for dinner. I don’t want to be part of her family anymore. Now or never no more excuses. I get to hold my head up high if she says no. And I don’t have t have the shame and regret she will have. That’s good enough for me. I never cut her off or gave an ultimatum. I was always too weak to do that. This time I don’t care anymore. I’m just tired of this. At this point I could care less what happens, I just want it to be over.

[Ginger1]

I don’t understand. You keep enabling her. She knows she could always run back to you.

This is not a “mistake” to correct. This is the 5th time and an awful character flaw. Unless she does some serious work without you being willing to take her back opened armed, you guys are doomed to repeat this cycle over and over and over again.

[Steve_]

I have no doubts of that Ginger.

But she keeps giving me this fake remorse crap. Telling me she doesn’t want to decide and doesn’t know. So I’m pushing her into a corner. She will chose him I’m sure of it and then it can be over. That’s all I want now. For her to realize she has to decide and live with it. I was too weak this whole time, I have to draw a line in the sand and be willing to not look back. I am ready now. I was not before. The more days that pass she disgusts me, disappoints me, I just want it to be over and her to stop flip-flopping. I am beginning to hate her. So I need the back and forth to end. On my terms not hers. That’s all this is about. Taking my power back having the respect for myself that is why the ultimatum. I know it won’t go the way I want already. I just want a clean break. I told her answer me “yes or no” no more words, no more time. I’ll let you know what she says in 4 days. Otherwise I don’t speak to her I just hang out with my kids. I have not backslid on that.

[Ginger1]

But why are you pushing her into a corner? I don’t understand. You can decide it’s over. Not her. This is not taking your power back. This is actually you being weak. Make her decide when she’s on the fence and not truly committed to the marriage? If she says “yeah, I’ll come back” it’s a matter of time before she is gone again.

This is so toxic. What would tell your own children in this situation ?

[may22]

Steve,

Would it help if you framed it as-- she ALREADY HAS chosen him?

She's moved out. IIRC she's living with another man. She's filed for divorce.

Actions, not words.

You just put her back in the driver's seat and handed her your leash by giving her until Monday. Taking your power back would be making the decision on your own to stop caring about where she is and what she's doing, and actually taking actions to move on and get on with your life.

Look, I totally get it. In my sitch I wasn't able to be the one to pull the trigger on breaking up the family. (Still am not.) Is that where you are?

If that's the case... man, I'm really sorry. But... she's the one who is breaking up your family, not you. She's left you. She's filed for divorce. She's had five affairs. She's gone again. You are not responsible for this. She is. But you're enabling this behavior.

What could she possibly do this time to prove to you it is different, if she did decide Monday to come back? And how long would you be waiting for the other shoe to drop and her to find her next AP? Your kids are already involved, now. Is it best for them to have mom come back and then leave again in six months? And then rinse, repeat?

If I were you, I'd spend the next four days working on your plans for how you will stand strong when you don't get the answer you want. (And, what *is* the answer you want? My guess is she's going to say something just ambiguous enough to keep stringing you along, her surgery, the kids, something along those lines.)

I can’t do this anymore. I am ready to let go and get on with my life.

Great. How can you take these words and make them into actions for yourself?

This is super, super hard. But you can do it.

[Steve_]

I don’t plan on her coming back. I feel like that chance is 10% at best. I’m okay with that. But I am not okay with her going forward and having me as an option. I’ve made too many mistakes and allowed it. I have to clear the board. That’s what this is about.

[LH19]

You are only an option if you allow yourself to be an option. Remove yourself from the equation.

[mtb1981]

I don’t plan on her coming back. I feel like that chance is 10% at best. I’m okay with that. But I am not okay with her going forward and having me as an option. I’ve made too many mistakes and allowed it. I have to clear the board. That’s what this is about.

Then why are you giving her a choice to make you an option. It's time for you to walk, Steve. I think the problem is that you are hurting so much right now, that you are willing to take her back at the drop of a hat. You even mentioned in a post above " I’m just tired of this. At this point I could care less what happens, I just want it to be over." You're willing to settle for her and her $hitty behavior just so you can make this all stop...

She is like a tumor that you just had removed and you're dealing with the post op pain. It hurts and right now you 're thinking you would rather still have the tumor than be dealing with the pain. The pain will go away eventually, and you'll be glad that tumor is gone one day.

Your frame of mind on the above quote " I’m just tired of this. At this point I could care less what happens, I just want it to be over." should be Steve is tired of playing these games and is moving on with his life without the baggage and pain his WW has been bringing to the table for the past several years. That Steve doesn't need an ultimatum, because that Steve is strong and know what he wants and what he's worth. That Steve is in charge because she doesn't get an opinion in what happens. That bridge has burned, buddy. I guarantee that if she showed up and cried her eyes out and swore her loyalty to you and said she screwed up, you'd take her back immediately. And that makes me sad...

I totally understand the honor in wanting to keep your family together and being true to your end of the commitment. I've been there. Just eating $hit sandwich after $hit sandwich thinking it was somehow noble and I was doing the right thing. I did a lot of the dumb stuff you're doing thinking and praying it would make a difference. Just have to wait this out and she'll come around. I told myself that everyday. Eventually, it became obvious that the relationship was BEYOND unhealthy and I was too blinded to see it. So I had a choice. Keep eating $hit sandwiches and setting the example for my children it's OK for your spouse to lie, cheat, steal, and be disrespectful or move on to be happy and give my kids a healthy upbringing. I finally chose the latter...

[Traveler]

But she keeps giving me this fake remorse crap. Telling me she doesn’t want to decide and doesn’t know.
So I’m pushing her into a corner. She will chose him I’m sure of it and then it can be over. That’s all I want now. For her to realize she has to decide and live with it.

Hi Steve, that's only in your imagination, she did choose him, and she doesn't have to choose to give you up as Plan F. It's common for a WWS to be ambiguous, ask for more time, or throw breadcrumbs. All you've done is told her she has at least five more days to enjoy her new boyfriend while preserving you as her Plan F.

I say Plan F because she's cheated on you--what--six times? This guy might be Plan A, but her Plan B/C/D/E are probably (history tends to repeat itself) to find OM7/8/9/10--not to end up with you.

[Steve_]

The issue isn’t that I don’t see what she is. The issue is that I haven’t been able to until now. She has played the “I’m not sure” “I haven’t moved all my stuff” “the kids stuff is still there” and I played the “well figure this out” and blame myself for all of it. Neither one of us was ready to accept there is no turning back. This is why she bread crumbs me until she is totally comfortable and this is why I continue to allow myself to be played. That is why I’m doing this. It has to end. The moment she left she said “we can get remarried” she has had it in her mind this isn’t final. I know it makes no sense. But I have to do this for our lives to change. This limbo must end. I know her. In her mind she still has me and that has to stop. She has to say it to feel it. Believe me I know her. She has never said it and meant it. Once I found out about OM it’s been nothing but “I don’t know” and “I miss you.” I cannot move on with that. I need this. Stupid? Maybe, unhealthy? Maybe.. but I know my W and she has to make the choice now that her secret is unraveled. That is what it will take for us to move on. She has never been able to do that. It is neccesary. And painful but I’m ready.