Gerda, I am so sorry you are dealing with such a challenging judge! It must be so hard when you feel that you are not only fighting H, but also feeling like you have to defend yourself from the judge.
I know that there are good reasons that you are representing yourself, but this interaction concerns me and I am wondering if maybe you would consider getting some representation? There might be grounds to ask for a new judge, or it could be that having someone between you and the judge helps to better protect you and your interests? At the very least, representation could help you with supportive, friendly reminders of the rules of the game and also help keep H's attorney in line with the rules without needing the judge to be in the middle constantly.
Concluding a hearing due to endless screaming doesn't seem like very courtly decorum to me. Who is screaming and how can that be stopped?
I don't want to see you suffer in the long run due to courtroom bias, a bad judge or because H has representation and you do not. You have so much at stake, right now is not the time to muscle it out on your own if you can help it.
Sage, thank you for the kind words and wanting to defend me!
I don't know if you read my thread earlier but I have had three lawyers. It's kind of embarrassing actually! But the first one was going through something (MLC?) with her own divorce, her husband trying to commit suicide, etc., and she just never filed anything or did anything, kept disappearing, so I really had to fire her. And at that time my H said we could do a legal separation to split finances so I thought I would be okay on my own. That was a lie so I had to get another lawyer. My judge was too scary to go it alone, though I have been pro se for my business and did great. Then I hired another L I knew from somewhere else and he didn't understand MLC either so he kept trying to negotiate a settlement instead of filing for sole use or doing other things to put me in a stronger position. He and H's L always ended up in a screaming festival and could not negotiate anything. My H thought our house was worth double its value, refused to accept the appraised value, and demanded that I should pay him alimony though I make very little salary and have sole custody! Then my L's law partner had a heart attack so he had to double his caseload and again I was left with a L who kept not doing his job. Yes, this is true! Then he participated in coercing me into signing a horrible deal -- I was literally crying and saying, no no, I can't sign, and my H and his L were shouting that he would be moving back in and the judge was yelling at us and I was so scared I signed it. But it was such a bad agreement that it caused endless further battling since it was very unclear, and my L was just always working on other cases. So I hired a THIRD one, and this time I tried to spend a lot more so that I could get someone good. But this one did so many D cases that he was scared of my judge. He came into the case trying to fix a bad agreement but he let the judge and H's L step all over him, and dug me deeper into the hole without ever doing anything -- I don't even get child support!! He was just playing defense and apologizing to the judge. I was ready to fire him anyway, but was scared to go it alone even though I had never had a good L. I had given him a final task to accomplish to try to get a global resolution, he wasn't getting it done and was obsessed with my paying him faster (I had paid him like 15K was sending him $500 a week), and by then had charged me 30K for two months of work, most of which I was doing/prepping! Then Covid hit, and there was no longer any choice, as my business was shut down. So I went pro se.
And now, Sage, I am doing SO MUCH BETTER. I take the time to really file things properly, to get the documents together properly and to know everything I need to prove. I don't get confused about the facts and I am not afraid of the judge. I don't have to sit there silently while H's L screams and dominates, and I can force the court to have a court reporter every time so now the judge knows I am watching. She has a reputation in my city as the worst D judge. When I first got served, I spoke to a couple lawyers and they all said, "You'll be fine unless you get Judge X." Well, I got Judge X, insane H, and his evil L. I think my H owes him 80K right now and has already paid at least that much, probably way more. And we are talking about a guy who has no money, literally. He is divorcing me in order to get the equity from our house and doesn't really work much or pay child support. So his L I guess sees a sucker, and keeps racking up those bills, fighting over everything, even fully documented debts or agreements we made long ago.
This may all sound insane but this is the truth, my truth for two years and counting, after standing for 5 years before that. I was still standing for the first year or more of the D! Now I pray for my H's healing but not for a life with me, and I fight for my kids. But for me, worst case scenario is losing my home, but I will be okay.
And yesterday I realized something (when not thinking about the election).
I realized that in a certain way, I have been doing the same thing as my H, with my heart/mind. H is after me because he wants to feel psychologically free of me as the enslaver. He wants a lump sum, now, because he thinks that will finally liberate him and he can be happy. I can't pay the lump sum because I can't refinance until Covid is over, our rents are down too much. He won't wait. And wants to ruin my financially and not have to pay any of our debts or for our kids' needs. And because of that he is trying to destroy me and the kids.
But I am after the same thing in a certain way. I am desperate to be free of this, to shake off this snake biting my leg so I can really live again. I am not content to just wait it out. I obsess about ways to force him to resolve and I feel all the time like I can't live life or have any happiness until I do. So by always feeling enslaved by him, I am thinking in his way! By thinking that I can't start living until I am free of him. By wanting to get him his money fast, now, today, so I don't have to suffer under his rule. He has not seen or spoke to our son since May, 2019, our son won't talk to him. But I have our son, and we are very close. I get to have that kid in my life, and to see him grow into a great and interesting and complex and cool young man. I am still in our house, I am still making it work for my kids. I finished a huge writing project I started seven years ago, I am building my creative career and making enough at my day job to provide for our kids. I have a very strong faith, which I only came to when this started. I have many friends and people I care for. I try to serve others -- I bring an elderly neighbor dinner every other day since Covid started. I help immigrant girls apply to college. I have my upstate place that is all mine now, and I work on it and earn a little money on it. I have a forbearance on the mortgage so for now I have nothing to worry about with housing downstate.
So really I am already living, I have already achieved deep happiness if I can see that clearly. I just can't control what happened to my M and I can't stop my H from trying to persecute me. But his persecution is not ME. It's just persecution and I can handle it with grace, with God's help.
That's my new goal, to believe that, no matter how long H wants to stay stuck in this mire of divorce.
Last edited by Gerda; 11/04/2002:23 PM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
I’m eager to hear how the remainder of the subfloor goes and the install of the walls.
Have you picked out a carpet yet? Rubber backed carpet is pretty easy to install; no stretching. There is also a “click” together carpet. Squares of carpet that jigsaw together. Just cut off the part you don’t need when you get to a wall using a bread knife...no, no, no... a razor knife, a carpet knife. Lol.
Have a wonderful day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
It has taken me so long to reply to your post... but my first thoughts when I read it were what an impressive human you are and thank you for sharing so much of your story. I am just wowed.
I am in awe of your strength and fortitude, your ability to keep a good attitude and you eclipsing your own FOO trauma to give your children a different parenting approach. You don't have a victim's mentality when one easily could in your situation. You have grace and strength in spades. I am sorry you have had such a struggle with H and your origin story and I know that the next chapter of Gerda's story is going to be the best one yet.
It has taken me so long to reply to your post... but my first thoughts when I read it were what an impressive human you are and thank you for sharing so much of your story. I am just wowed.
I am in awe of your strength and fortitude, your ability to keep a good attitude and you eclipsing your own FOO trauma to give your children a different parenting approach. You don't have a victim's mentality when one easily could in your situation. You have grace and strength in spades.
(((Gerda)))
WOW. I read this last week and it really sustained me all week! Thank you!!!
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
I’m eager to hear how the remainder of the subfloor goes and the install of the walls.
Have you picked out a carpet yet? Rubber backed carpet is pretty easy to install; no stretching. There is also a “click” together carpet. Squares of carpet that jigsaw together. Just cut off the part you don’t need when you get to a wall using a bread knife...no, no, no... a razor knife, a carpet knife.
D
Much to report on this front but I have to find the time to do it! I will soon. Your advice is with me every time I am up there working, believe me. I even started recording our first video.
But we are going to have to talk about the vibe of our house flips. Carpet?! NO NO NO. Wood floors and stone only, with some kilim rugs scattered about.
Last edited by Gerda; 11/18/2001:37 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
If only I could tune in to DnJ and Gerda on HGTV, but following your adventures here is the next best thing. I echo Sage in that I so admire you, Gerda. I know I'm not alone when I say your fortitude, your kindness, your writing, and your remodeling skills are an inspiration.
Carpet?! NO NO NO. Wood floors and stone only, with some kilim rugs scattered about.
OMG! LOL.
I thought you had said sometime earlier you wanted carpet.
I rip out all my carpet years ago and installed ceramic tiles in the back entrance room and bathrooms, and laminate flooring that looks like hardwood everywhere else in the house. So yes to no carpet.
I am considering redoing my laminate flooring and replacing it with engineered hardwood. The laminate on the 1st and 2nd floors didn’t stand up as well as I had hoped. The stuff in the attic/playroom is different and was the cheapest I could buy. It was for a playroom and got a lot of use/abuse over the years. And it still looks great! Good figure. So only two floors to replace. Like 3000 square feet.
I’m so glad you are having fun remodelling. And yes the vibe of your cabin is so you.
Well done!
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I am considering redoing my laminate flooring and replacing it with engineered hardwood. The laminate on the 1st and 2nd floors didn’t stand up as well as I had hoped. The stuff in the attic/playroom is different and was the cheapest I could buy. It was for a playroom and got a lot of use/abuse over the years. And it still looks great! Good figure. So only two floors to replace. Like 3000 square feet.
I haven't used it myself but the vinyl wood-look plank flooring seems to be really popular right now and apparently looks quite nice (and is cheaper and apparently more durable?). Eventually I would like to redo my downstairs all with some form of wood flooring but that might end up being my choice since I'd like it to go in the kitchen too.
a razor knife, a carpet knife. Lol.