I do have a question for the group though: she is currently in Virginia, as she went down to stay with her family ahead of any lockdowns. There's a part of me that feels like I should call her and tell her that it's coming, such that she's not blindsided by it in front of family. This second it feels like the "right" thing to do; I don't have anger towards her, just sadness that this is where we're at. But I'm also somewhat sure this group will tell me that I'm being dumb and being much more considerate of her feelings than she's been at any time in our separation.
No way!!!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Let her experience what she needs to experience! Stop protecting her and trying to rescue her. That is no longer your job. You will try to cover it up by feeding us a bunch of stuff, and say it feels like the decent thing to do. Hello Mr. Nice Guy!
If you seriously think your heads-up won't lead to a big R talk,.........then you are in denial, and maybe unconsciously you want to hear from her.
There will ALWAYS be an excuse to contact, until you finally decide enough is enough. So, which one of you are suffering the withdrawal in this separation? It's not her.
Besides, WW's need to be shocked, blind-sighted, kicked in the gut, and the whole nine yards. When will you realize your nice guy techniques don't reap positive results from a WW?
Last edited by sandi2; 11/19/2012:00 AM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Lol. The guy comes for advice and gets all different answers. He’s dating someone new and seems to have an amicable relationship with his soon to be ex so if he wants to send her a heads up I see zero issue with it.
I really don’t think he’s looking for a reaction and is just a decent guy.
I can add that I was recommended here to send a heads up that I'm finalizing the divorce a few months ago. I signed the letter, put it in the mailbox and sent her a short message that she'll be receiving a confirmation soon. There was no R talk in my situation. She sent a sad emoji when she received the confirmation but that's it.
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
It was the stand up and right thing for your situation. Now if it was Curtis 7 or the new Steve I would say just serve her a$$ because they are horrible people.
I can add that I was recommended here to send a heads up that I'm finalizing the divorce a few months ago. I signed the letter, put it in the mailbox and sent her a short message that she'll be receiving a confirmation soon. There was no R talk in my situation. She sent a sad emoji when she received the confirmation but that's it.
Ben, I am on record in a lot of other people's sitch's saying that this is unnecessary. They will get the heads up when the get served or the paper work back. So many LBHs suffer from NGS and breaking that cycle is hard.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I can add that I was recommended here to send a heads up that I'm finalizing the divorce a few months ago. I signed the letter, put it in the mailbox and sent her a short message that she'll be receiving a confirmation soon. There was no R talk in my situation. She sent a sad emoji when she received the confirmation but that's it.
Ben, I am on record in a lot of other people's sitch's saying that this is unnecessary. They will get the heads up when the get served or the paper work back. So many LBHs suffer from NGS and breaking that cycle is hard.
Just for the record if you’re not looking for a reaction it is not NGS. Also it’s a good way to show that you are detached and moving on.
I read No more Mr.Nice Guy and none of it seemed familiar to me. Like LH says, I wasn't looking for a reaction. I was just going to file but then others, I think AS and someone else, said it was the respectful thing to do. But in my situation, I think either way would have been fine.
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
But in my situation, I think either way would have been fine.
That's why I've been careful to not say it is wrong. Only that it is unnecessary. I look at it like this, if you do struggle with NGS then it is awfully difficult not to do something like this without an agenda. If you aren't NGS, it is unnecessary because they will find out when they find out. So my advice to error on the side of caution and let them find out the hard way.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
