Sounds like you put your W on a pedestal and your life revolved her and you had no outside interests. That’s probably why she feels smothered and trapped.
Also weird you guys agreed to remove your rings together on the 27th and then you broke that agreement and took yours off. Was keeping your word an issue in your marriage?
Once you get her out of the house you will feel more at ease. All you’re doing right now is closing a chapter in your book. Many chapters of the book remaining to be written.
YShe hasn't brought up that I haven't been wearing my wedding ring, and oddly she continues to wear hers (technically we had agreed to keep them on until 11/27 but I couldn't wear mine anymore).
Two red flags here. First, are you a man of your word or not? You agreed to keep them on until 11/27. She is living up to that.....you are not. You claim "I couldn't wear mine anymore". Is this a weight issue? You gained weight and it won't fit? Or are you using hyperbole to justify your breaking your word?
Second, "She hasn't brought up that I haven't been wearing my wedding ring". SERIOUSLY? After all this time you are still making decisions (take off my ring) hoping to elicit a reaction from her? And sorry, but if you are typing the quoted sentence then that means you were looking for her to notice. You are way too far along in this to be still making these kinds of rookie mistakes.
Originally Posted by ScottB
This week my DB coach really cracked me up. First he pointed out the Over Functioning take. Then he made the point that because I have over functioned, my wife has not needed to grow - in effect, I stunted her growth by taking ownership of stuff that wasn't mine to own. An example was last week when I felt bad about going to a friends to hang out because she would be alone.
Glad you find that funny because I find that sad. Where is Scott's backbone to say "this woman is leaving me. Forced me to have a conversation with my kids that broke their and my heart. And continues to push forward with things that are painful. Yet I feel bad about going to a friend's to hang because of how it might affect her!" You do not see that as being a problem?
Originally Posted by ScottB
He also asked me "When is Scott going to say enough is enough?" I thought that was pretty powerful. He said I need to go have fun. When I talk to her empathize. Don't be cold and unfeeling. Treat her as a capable woman. And that I need to make my decisions and not be needy.
Exactly what I was getting at above. Again, you might find it funny, I find it sad. Sad that Scott has so little self-identity that he cannot even do things for himself without "feeling bad".
Originally Posted by ScottB
An example: I had asked her if we were getting divorced or separated. He said enough of that. I get to make that decision to. All great empowering advice.
Holy crap. Really?? Why not just go get a hat or shirt that says "I am a needy, whiny baby." And wear it anytime you are around her to remind her of that fact.
Originally Posted by ScottB
She'll be out of the house soon and I think that will make all of this a lot easier. I'm trying to plan two ski trips with the kids - which is super fun to think about, and who knows what else. Once I have some time on my hands I hope to get after it, just wish this Covid stuff wasn't going on.
Careful here Scott. I think you are looking at her being gone as a good thing. However, I fear that this will cause you further setbacks. The reason is that I've seen a lot of LBSs that thought "If only we didn't live together" only to later regret that and wish like heck that she still lived here so they could show their changes. I hope you are right and it does get easier for you, but you seem to struggle so much with what she is and isn't noticing (see the ring above) that I am concerned the distance is going to create anxiety for you, not alleviate it.
I say all of the above not to 2x4 you, but to get you to see what you still need to work on. I love the last part of the last paragraph. About the ski trips and enjoying time with your kids. But a lot of what you are still expressing in your posts concerns me that you aren't doing a good enough of job of focusing on you. GAL, 180ing and self-improving, and working on detachment.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Careful here Scott. I think you are looking at her being gone as a good thing. However, I fear that this will cause you further setbacks. The reason is that I've seen a lot of LBSs that thought "If only we didn't live together" only to later regret that and wish like heck that she still lived here so they could show their changes.
Well seeming they are getting divorced I think it would be a good thing that she moves out. I would be uncomfortable living with your ex wife for sure.
Careful here Scott. I think you are looking at her being gone as a good thing. However, I fear that this will cause you further setbacks. The reason is that I've seen a lot of LBSs that thought "If only we didn't live together" only to later regret that and wish like heck that she still lived here so they could show their changes.
Well seeming they are getting divorced I think it would be a good thing that she moves out. I would be uncomfortable living with your ex wife for sure.
So now you're a fortune teller!
Seriously though you missed the point. It's not that they are living together since she's moving out, is that Scott thinks that will be a positive for his state of mind. I'm warning him that her being gone may make his state of mind worse. I've seen that a lot with a LBS.
Last edited by Steve85; 11/18/2008:57 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I didn’t miss the point. He’s getting divorced and her moving out will be a huge relief for him. Not say his road is going to be easy there will certainly be ups and downs but he can’t start detaching until she’s gone.
Having experienced it, IHS is hell, and I did not handle it well. Being in that situation only caused me to do things that pushed my W further and further towards D and OM. She moved out, was it the worst day of my life....a resounding yes. But I am in a way better place and have regained a lot more control over myself. Am I still going to get divorced, yeah, it’s almost certain, but I don’t live in the hell that was the two months from June to August.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Steve85 and LH19 are making two very good individual points.
ScottB, make sure you know why you are taking certain actions. They sound positive initially, however it all changes if they are for the wrong reason. Why did you take the ring off, why do you take such meaning from her still wearing hers?
Dig deep and understand your motives and reset if you need to. Heck, put the ring back on until the 11/27 it really doesn't matter to her at this point, so it should not matter to you.
Are you starting to pick up the rope again ScottB? drop it bud, let it go slack. When she leaves you don't want to be holding it.
Don't think about what you should do to make her see changes, she will just pity you.
Focus on ski holidays, experiences for you and your kids. Things are moving forward for you ScottB, your sitch is improving each day, although you may not feel it fully yet, you are now at the cusp of building a better future brick by brick.
It was a combination of trying to work hard and also a guilty feeling knowing that my wife was at home with the kids and I wanted to get home to help out. Now the reality is, that I was afraid that if I went to happy hour and she found out she would get angry with me and I would be "in trouble." So it was just easier to turn down the invites and not go.
I'm not trying to put everyone in the same box, but what you've described seems to be an overwhelming theme I've seen over the years. There are many who have NGS, and some that seem to go beyond being a nice guy. Those are the ones who fit the description above. Not only are they afraid of their W's disapproval and anger, but they spend their life trying to placate her just to keep her in a peaceful mood. He leaves the decision making up to her, and he becomes more passive by the day. He becomes a "Yes, Dear" H, and there is absolutely nothing manly or attractive about a "Yes, Dear" H. Some men think love is treating their W like royalty, and proceed to do all the house work, yard word, cooking, laundry, taking care of the kids, etc., etc., so the little princess doesn't have to lift a finger. This is wrong on so many levels I don't where to begin! It ruins a woman, b/c she grows to disrespect him as a man. She is bored with her life, has no responsibility or accountability, and she's not attracted to the man who is running around like Suzie Homemaker, in order to keep the peace with the little princess. Obviously, he has no idea what's he doing, or he would stop this nonsense immediately.
Spoiling your W is not love! If you make her the commander of your life.......you will live to regret it. She will drop you and go looking for a man she can't control. She doesn't want a wimp (no offense), she wants a man who is not afraid of her and will bloody well do whatever he wants. Ever wonder why some females are attracted to bad boys? It's not b/c they are bad people, and it's not b/c he abuses her. However, it's how he interacts with her (as well as other people) and she is drawn to his masculinity and independence. He doesn't succumb to the whelms or moods of others. She senses his authority, and his take charge-attitude, and she respects him for not allowing her (or anyone else) to treat him like cr@p. He keeps her in her place, (to use an unpopular phrase), and if she tries to challenge his manhood, his leadership, disrespects him in front of others, or gets all pi$$y b/c she doesn't like the way he order their food (or whatever)...... he has no problem setting her straight and if she can't be straighten out, he has no problem dropping her. The bottom is line is always respect. ALWAYS! A wife cannot feel desire for a husband she doesn't respect as a man. That will never change, b/c that's how God designed her.
He stands up for himself, and isn't a people pleaser, scared, little boy. (No offense) Now, I'm sure some feminists would not like how I've worded some of this, but I'm trying to get you to understand that you cannot allow your woman to wear the pants in the relationship. She may be the boss at work, but when it comes to your relationship........you are the leader, and if she refuses to cooperate, somebody has to have the final word, which should be the one in charge. You are the president and she's the vice president. I'm not saying you can't listen to her views and wishes, but when it comes to making decisions, the leader has the final say. She'll test you! But the minute you hand over your b@lls, she no longer values you as a man.
Scott, I give you credit for speaking the truth. Now, here's the thing I hope you'll seriously consider. YOU are the one with this problem, and the next relationship will be the same as this one if you don't change your way of thinking about marriage and women. What caused you to fear her disapproval? Why did you cut everything out of your life, except what was she permitted? IMHO, this is not love. You lose your identity as a man, and become co-dependent on a wife who doesn't even respect you. Find out why you felt this way, b/c you can change if you want to change. However, you do need something or someone to teach you. You could marry the sweetest gal in the country, but if you can't stand up to her when she says something disrespectful, or makes a facial expression that indicates her disrespect for you (you know her attitude is disrespectful and she'll continue to get worse). The sweet girl you married will change, and not for the better. A husband's passivity brings out the worst in the wife.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Having experienced it, IHS is hell, and I did not handle it well. Being in that situation only caused me to do things that pushed my W further and further towards D and OM. She moved out, was it the worst day of my life....a resounding yes. But I am in a way better place and have regained a lot more control over myself. Am I still going to get divorced, yeah, it’s almost certain, but I don’t live in the hell that was the two months from June to August.
Everyone is different. I did IHS with a WAW/WW, for a few months and was able to detach and back off enough to get her to move back to the marriage. But we've seen the "grass is always greener" dynamic on this board. Where the IHS LBH struggles thinking it will be easier with the WAW out of the house. And the physically separated LBH struggling with wondering what's she is doing and who she is doing it with.
Since Scott had struggled mightily with detachment, I think he is going to struggle with separation as much as he did with IHS. I hope I'm wrong for his sake. But he's got a lot of pain coming. The moving out. The kids staying over there. The inevitable OM coming on scene (whether he's new or she's had him in shadows the entire time). We've seen this movie before.
PS or IHS, the lBHs that struggle the most do GAL the worst, and focus too much on the WAW. Scott has epitomized that. I was hoping the divorce busting coach would help him, but then I see him still making the mistake of asking her if they are just separating or getting a D. He's struggled and her moving out isn't likely to help him. Especially since a very wise person told me a very important truth: WAWs don't need their own place to find themselves or work on the marriage, they need their own place to sleep with other people.
I just hope Scott is gaining the strength to face what is coming his way.
Scott, I'll keep you in my prayers my friend! Remember, you can't control her, but you do control you. Focus on what you can control!!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Now, I'm sure some feminists would not like how I've worded some of this, but I'm trying to get you to understand that you cannot allow your woman to wear the pants in the relationship. She may be the boss at work, but when it comes to your relationship........you are the leader, and if she refuses to cooperate, somebody has to have the final word, which should be the one in charge. You are the president and she's the vice president. I'm not saying you can't listen to her views and wishes, but when it comes to making decisions, the leader has the final say. She'll test you! But the minute you hand over your b@lls, she no longer values you as a man.
I guess the obvious modification for us feminists--who don't want unequal (president/vice-president) romantic relationships--is "You are the president OF YOURSELF. When it comes to making decisions ABOUT YOUR ACTIONS, the leader has the final say." Which still means don't accept being bossed around.
