Courage - part 2

[Ginger1]

Sounds like something may have been the last straw. I know this is hard, but really for the best.

[DnJ]

(((Andrew)))

[AndrewP]

Battening down the hatches here. There's a (real) storm blowing in. High winds at 100 km/hr, rain. Sitting here at my desk, I can see some drawings made by my kids blowing in the drafts of this drafty old house. I'm going to have to put some tape around the door I think.

First things first.

Yet another person chimed in with some passion about the fact that I am best off without S. My barber. I've known him for over 30 years and he's cut my hair long and short and listened to my stories and everyone else's. One of the many heads that has come under his clippers was S's ex-boyfriend. Someone who he doesn't necessarily think a lot of but whose stories of S he had also heard and had in part relayed to me.

He agreed with the definition of S as a predator. Someone who will bounce from man to man and who is a survivor. Not that she's a particularly bad person, just that with the hand that life has dealt her, it's how she's survived.

One other thing and I know that for me that trivial things can trigger big decisions - was Christmas. As I was running errands I was thinking about sending out Christmas cards and how I didn't want to send them from S and I considering the doubts on if we would be a couple by the time they were received. The other part - and this I know that some don't agree with - is my resentment that S insisted on being involved on a token level with sending gifts to my own children.

One of the hills that I am standing on is the fact that my relationship with my adult children is mine alone. While a partner can be invited in and form their own relationships, I won't have my "Daditude" diluted.

----

So when I got home a lot had been stirring around. S was sitting on the couch looking sad and so I sat with her and put my arm around her and we started talking. It wasn't my intention to drop the bomb right then. I mentioned that I was having a very hard time with the homework assigned by the counselor and asked if she had any thoughts. She said that she would look around for some books that might help. She then asked about her loan and if I was pushing for her to have it come out of her account in case we split so that she wouldn't default on it. I said that I was mainly pushing for that to simplify things for her but that yes, if we were to split that I thought that that would be a good idea then too.

I then said that I was really struggling still trying to see the path towards us being a happy couple and that I just couldn't see it. S asked if that meant that we should end things, I took a breath and the opening given and said yes.

Even though I was disappointed, I wasn't surprised that she never asked if there was something more / different that she could do to help make things work. She's undoubtedly been waiting for this.

We held each other and cried a bit. She asked and I told her that I neither needed her to move out right away nor to even sleep elsewhere. That I still loved her. She asked about sex and I said that I had no objection but no expectation. She asked if we could just live apart and then date each other. I said that we would have to see - I'm pretty sure this was the state with her former partner for the past 7 years.

I told her that she was welcome to keep her ring as a reminder of someone who loved her.

She said that she'll tell her kids and knew that they would rally around.

S is stressed about getting an apartment and paying her loan. I don't think she's realized that the loan "should" be immaterial given the legacy that she's going to be getting. She's not sure where she will be living because she actually has quite a few choices. She could move down to the city where she grew up and has a friend group. She really has no close local friends (red flag!) She could also move to the city where her daughter is an hour away which would be probably in my mind her best choice. She could stay around here but there really isn't anything tying her to here. She mused about moving out to the west coast or Australia - lots and lots of options.

She did say that she had promised her kids one last Christmas in the old family home so I expect that she'll move into there until the New Year. She's going to be assembling things from there for an estate sale and will be taking her stuff from here that is still surplus and adding that in too. I expect that S18 will stay here until housing is all sorted out. S18 is going to take this fairly hard I think.

I've told my kids (and yes will update my legacy documents). They are of course very supportive. S26 actually came by to put on his snow tires and so I told him in person. It made it a bit awkward when he saw S. I messaged D28. This is not at all a surprise to either of them.

S is off to her Dad's house with a van-load of stuff, S13, his hamster and the dog this afternoon. She'll probably be there most of the week which was more or less the original plan anyway.

I told her that "we" could find the money for additional counseling and that I will also be seeking out therapy as there were obviously unresolved issues that contributed to my inability to be a good partner for her. I also said that I would be supportive of her renting a truck a few times to move things out rather than her trying to do it in her van and that the car and utility trailer were also available. I suggested that I expected that it wouldn't be until spring-time before all of her stuff was out. Some things like the trampoline may or may not find a home.

-----

I will admit that I now feel a feeling of "lightness" knowing that there is an off-ramp and that we are agreed on taking it. This ended in a way that I'm less unhappy with than it might have been. There is respect and consideration. Yes - I will undoubtedly get hosed in a few ways with both expenses and with getting her to actually remove her stuff.

As I joked to S - I don't have any intention of having a replacement so I don't "need" her to get her stuff out quickly to make room for someone else. But I will be firm that it does all go.

I'm looking forward to my new/old life. I expect that S26 will start coming to Sunday supper every week on his way to his poker game and probably crash here from time to time after. It will be nice to see more of him so I won't be too isolated. Perhaps in the new year I'll look at adopting a cat - certainly not while there are other pets under the roof still.

I'll tell my friends over the next few days and start work on the dis-entangling. Finding boxes etc too will be a thing. I'll probably need to buy a new stove, kitchen table and dining room table. Small stuff. I know that I can quickly pull the plug on anything financial and will leave that in place for the present.

The "bad" stress is starting to life. The stress of things I have no control over. The good stress of things to look forward to, organize and plan is coming on. There will still be lots of stress and also anger I'm sure that will come my way. S may or may not push for us to "try again" but I really have my doubts on that even if it is her pattern.

I feel bad that I misled and led S on. It could be argued that both sides were at fault but I'm owning this. It was me that agreed to go out with her. It was me that was complicit in accepting her into my life. It was me that proposed and talked about a life together.

Going to be tough but I can now see the other side again.

Thanks everyone - your support, advice and love has been greatly appreciated. It's good to not go through this alone.

[bttrfly]

I'm glad you jumped through the window when you saw an opening, and found that it was not a 20 story drop, just a soft landing on the lawn.

Don't joke about replacements coming or not. Just a female friend's tip, ok?

I'm relieved for you, so can only imagine how this feels to you.

[job]

Andrew,

I am sorry that this relationship has come to an end, but it is a very wise decision and one that will be far better for you. S has known for quite some time that this relationship wasn't working for either of you. Andrew, you did the right thing in opening the door and walking through it and just being very honest w/her.

In time, you will feel much better health wise and you can then reclaim your home and continue to work on your projects. Who knows, maybe at some point LIz and Amy may return, but a new kitten would be great too.

As for S's S18, he may opt to stay a while w/you. He appears to have bonded w/you. I think the kids need stability and they sure haven't gotten it in a while.

As S's loan...she will need to figure out how to pay that down or off. If she's going to be getting something from her father's estate, then she needs to prioritize how she spends the funds and not be out there purchasing things that she doesn't need.

Hopefully, she will not be like your son's friend and leave stuff w/you as if you are operating a storage facility. The new year is around the corner and it will be time to clean out the house of all things that do not belong there and start fresh. Your life's book will be opening to a new chapter and one that may have many surprises along the way. But....do not move another "married and/or separated" woman in there. You've had two and both of them had complaints about your home, etc. Now is the time to actually learn to live alone since your son has his own place. It's time to learn about yourself and what Andrew needs to be happy.

[kml]

Before you get a new kitten, I’d have a talk with your son about whether he’s happy living where he is. Only because if he wanted to come back, you would have those two cats and adding a new one might bring complications. If he’s good where he is, then go for it.

As for the furniture - don’t rush to shop yet. I have the feeling S will claim the “nicer” stuff her dad’s house has and may end up leaving some of all of that with you anyway.

And please don’t imply you’ll be accommodating storing her stuff!!!!! Instead you will be helpful getting it MoVED to her storage unit.

[kml]

And please don’t feel like the bad guy. You really gave her every chance to step up to the plate. She had a great opportunity to live a stable life with a good, kind, responsible man. All it would have taken is some personal responsibility ( and, let’s be honest, dealing with her hoarding which is both the biggest obstacle and the hardest to overcome). Your only mistake was being too willing to bend to her pressure and getting yourself into this situation in the first place when you clearly didn’t know her well enough.

[AndrewP]

Thanks everyone. I still feel like a heel and probably will for quite some time.

S left around 2:00 today taking S13 and the dog with her. S13 asked if I would look after his hamster but that got passed to S18. The van was loaded up to the gunwales with lots of stuff, especially baking and cooking things. The fact that S just "presumed" that I would look after the hamster was a reminder of her sense of entitlement that will be a factor as we disentangle.

S is struggling - the metaphorical rug has been pulled out from under her and she's having to yet again deal with the consequences of that. I'm positive that she's not told the boys about what is going on. I hope she's told her daughters. Since that time she carefully keeps her phone locked and close to her.

What I've offered is that she doesn't need a new place before the New Year which gives her 6 weeks to make those decisions. Given the logistics in winter-time and the volume of stuff involved I told her that she has until spring-time to clear it out. I expect that it will be done in a rush at the last minute.

Since she has little access to her legacy and because I'm not that much of a jerk I told her that she still has access to the "family" banking although I'm sure she knows that I'll be watching it closely - one of her complaints during counseling. I need to contact the counselor and cancel the follow-up appointment and let her know that if S needs a couple of sessions that funding can be found for that. I also need to book my own therapy appointments.

I can feel similar problems to what I had previously, especially with my ex-wife on wanting to contact her, to check to see how she's doing, to let her know what I've been up to. I know that that's all a bad idea. A relationship is like a drug - withdrawal is tough.

I'm not sure when she'll be back - she said maybe next weekend, maybe next week. She joked that she's going to give her brother a heart attack (complex history between those two) by telling him that she's moving into the house. I do expect her to be there regularly although she did comment that the resale value would be hurt by having it filled with kids and pets so she will be here as well which will be awkward. The best thing is the sort of clean break I had with B where she was gone the next day and her stuff was out within a week - but this is a very different situation.

----

I'm enjoying a beer as a reward to myself for installing those cabinets in the laundry room. I'm not sure what I'll use them for but there's no sense having them and not putting them up. Fiddly work because in this old house the studs weren't where the people who designed the cabinets expected them to be and a fair amount of shimming was needed. They look nice. I've never worked with adjustable hinges before and whoever invented them was having a very clever day.

I resisted sending a picture to S and instead sent it to my daughter.

When assembling the cabinets in the living room I was necessarily close to the carpet. I'm thinking that I'll need to get rid of it. The urine smell was overwhelming. I expect that the dog has been depositing in there and nobody has noticed. I don't necessarily blame the dog - I know it to be poorly trained.

Well - time to make dinner. Meatloaf tonight with mashed potatoes. I did pick myself up a nice Chianti which will probably accompany me to the tub for a soak before bed. Early morning tomorrow and much math to do to figure out the schedule. The world it appears keeps turning.

The storm keeps raging outside. I need to do an inspection tomorrow. I suspect that there is some tin that needs to be nailed down again on the back porch. The wind and rain have been fierce compared to our usual. We even had hail. Down here in the valley we're protected somewhat.

Thanks again everyone.

[AndrewP]

As an aside, S18 has suddenly developed an interest in healthy food made from fresh ingredients. He's looking forward to leftover meatloaf for the next couple of days.

He put specific things on the grocery list that weren't conveniences foods this week.

If nothing else, changing his attitude towards food is a very positive thing. He eats little probably as a side effect of his meds but always has lots of whatever I cook. And he's learning to cook the same things himself.

We had a nice Sunday Supper again with the two of us even though my lectures on different wine varietals was probably a bit - ahem - dry.

[LH19]

Uuuuummm for the record I would not classify meatloaf as healthy food.