SB: What furniture do you think you would like, maybe this will be easy to work out? - W: I'd like the kitchen table and chairs and the banquet table that goes with it. SB: This might be more complicated than I thought then, that's a lot of furniture.
Scott, I'm not sure what you were expecting? She owns half the furniture, now unless you want to saw the table in half and divide the chairs up equally there are going to be things like this that go IN TOTAL to you or your W. You keep the living room furniture, she takes the dining room furniture. You keep D's bedroom set, she takes S's bedroom set. That sort of thing. If you want to keep more than half of it then you pony up money so she can buy furniture.
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W: I wasn't planning on taking anything but you wouldn't buy me furniture for my new home. SB: If you hadn't gone and bought the house before we headed to mediation we would have been able to go through a process to figure this out. W: If you hadn't told me to stay after I told you not to, I wouldn't have had to buy the house.
She has a point. You can't have it both ways. I know this is horrible to go through but you have to do it and you have to strive to be fair. Either divide up the furniture or help her purchase furniture. That's the fair thing to do.
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And from there it was a dumpster fire. When I get triggered I just can't get it under control.
Then tell her you need to take a break to cool off and will resume it with her later. Don't let your emotions get the better of you in front of her. Go for a walk or jog or drive or to the gym and whatever it takes.
What you're going through now for me was the most difficult time. Get through this and I think you'll find things start to improve quite a bit.
SB: What furniture do you think you would like, maybe this will be easy to work out? - W: I'd like the kitchen table and chairs and the banquet table that goes with it. SB: This might be more complicated than I thought then, that's a lot of furniture. W: I wasn't planning on taking anything but you wouldn't buy me furniture for my new home. SB: If you hadn't gone and bought the house before we headed to mediation we would have been able to go through a process to figure this out. W: If you hadn't told me to stay after I told you not to, I wouldn't have had to buy the house.
It is easy. You made it hard.
it could have been:
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SB: What furniture do you think you would like, maybe this will be easy to work out? - W: I'd like the kitchen table and chairs and the banquet table that goes with it. SB: OK.
In the future, use I statements, not you statements. Do not quibble over little things.
Many ways to skin the cat. Most things can be assigned a dollar value. One person assigns a dollar value and the other person can pick if they want the value or the item on their half of the balance sheet. Maybe do this with the big ticket items.
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SB: What furniture would like? - W: I'd like the kitchen table and chairs and the banquet table that goes with it. SB: OK. What do you value it at? W:$2000 SB:OK. (Then you do the same with an item you want) Keep alternating
Why are you doing this in person? Can you do this via email? That helps keep the emotions out and gives you both time to think and respond.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
SB: What furniture do you think you would like, maybe this will be easy to work out? - W: I'd like the kitchen table and chairs and the banquet table that goes with it. SB: This might be more complicated than I thought then, that's a lot of furniture. W: I wasn't planning on taking anything but you wouldn't buy me furniture for my new home. SB: If you hadn't gone and bought the house before we headed to mediation we would have been able to go through a process to figure this out. W: If you hadn't told me to stay after I told you not to, I wouldn't have had to buy the house.
And from there it was a dumpster fire. When I get triggered I just can't get it under control. I try, but I just get too emotional. I don't know, Its so frustrating and I feel like a bit of failure. I just want her out of the house so I can have some peace.
We literally recorded our conversation because she has accused me of consistently saying something and then going back on it and I've done the same. The recording did force her to check herself, and me too. This just needs to be over. I'm sick about it.
My son is sick and home from school again. Feels worse than yesterday. Such a mess all the way around. I feel like just giving up.
Oh my. The dumpster fire was you initiating the convo and then proceeding to talk way too much.
Let her come to you. Listen and validate. Don't haggle over things that don't matter.... And furniture does not matter.
You're letting you emotions guide you. Doing that will eliminate any chance of future R. Stop talking. Stop whining. Pull your big boy pants up and be an alpha..... Not a jerk.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Lots of good advice here on dividing up stuff. I also used the, "X is worth $Y to me" approach. This allowed us to divvy up everything in our house in one weekend and was far easy than figuring out exact valuations. I'm sure my ex-wife got some steals and so did I. For cars and houses, we got real valuations.
Scott, I get how hard these reality of the practicalities can be. My worst day was the day I came home from work and saw boxed and suitcases all packed for her to move out. It was devastating, especially how calm and unphased she seemed. I had to leave because I couldn’t stop myself crying. That was 3 months ago to the day, I am so much better, the thought of those practicalities bother me about 1/10th of what they did that day. Hang in there mate.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
I’m curious as to when you say “I feel like giving up”. What does that mean to you? If you decided you were giving up. What would change?
It means that I don't want to divorce bust anymore. I just want to be emotional and let stuff fall where it does. I don't want to try anything anymore. I just want to react, cry, whatever. I'm so worn out.
AS:
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Scott, I'm not sure what you were expecting? She owns half the furniture, now unless you want to saw the table in half and divide the chairs up equally there are going to be things like this that go IN TOTAL to you or your W.
I spoke to my attorney yesterday, who I hadn't spoken to in some time and she was pissed. She felt as though my wife was creating a mess. She's putting a ton of pressure on the situation by not waiting for the process to begin. All of these issues are meant to be handled in the process of mediation. By buying a house, trying to take furniture, and demanding access to all the money she is creating a disaster. My attorney said that if I don't like something and we can't agree then tell my wife she'll have to wait until mediation. I should not be put in a position where I am forced to make decisions AND if she wants to buy furniture for her home, which are not marital assets, then that will come out of her half. Anyhow, it was good to talk to my attorney. I agree that she owns half of everything, but we have to agree to stuff. She can't just make decisions and she shouldn't be pressuring me by buying a house that she needs to furnish. Not my problem. Of course, because my feelings are mixed up in this and my kids will live there is becomes my problem. What a mess.
R2C:
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It is easy. You made it hard.
I'll say that's fair, but if we had at least started all of this in a process, it would be easier. The fact she bought a house and now wants to establish custody of the kids, furnish the house AND stay on my full payroll in the meantime is a bit much. I was ready to give her the living room. The furniture in that room will cost about $5k to replace and the current stuff is junk. The dining room will cost less to replace and its nice. Net is probably only a delta of $3-4k. Not meaningful when we are looking at splitting up a significant pot of money. I'm just struggling with stuff and not making great decisions because of the pressure. Hopefully I can keep your comment above in mind when this comes up again.
And I agree 100%, this needs to be done over email.
Steve85:
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You're letting you emotions guide you. Doing that will eliminate any chance of future R. Stop talking. Stop whining. Pull your big boy pants up and be an alpha..... Not a jerk.
You're right. And Steve85, I know you were in a similar position. This isn't easy.
CW: Thanks for the thoughts.
OnlyBent:
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Scott, I get how hard these reality of the practicalities can be. My worst day was the day I came home from work and saw boxed and suitcases all packed for her to move out. It was devastating, especially how calm and unphased she seemed. I had to leave because I couldn’t stop myself crying. That was 3 months ago to the day, I am so much better, the thought of those practicalities bother me about 1/10th of what they did that day. Hang in there mate.
I'm dreading it. I take the kids on vacation the week of 11/21 and when I get home lots of stuff will be gone and I'll be alone. I'm not ready for it. I can feel the anxiety just thinking about it.
I spoke to my attorney yesterday, who I hadn't spoken to in some time and she was pissed. She felt as though my wife was creating a mess. She's putting a ton of pressure on the situation by not waiting for the process to begin. All of these issues are meant to be handled in the process of mediation. By buying a house, trying to take furniture, and demanding access to all the money she is creating a disaster. My attorney said that if I don't like something and we can't agree then tell my wife she'll have to wait until mediation. I should not be put in a position where I am forced to make decisions AND if she wants to buy furniture for her home, which are not marital assets, then that will come out of her half. Anyhow, it was good to talk to my attorney. I agree that she owns half of everything, but we have to agree to stuff. She can't just make decisions and she shouldn't be pressuring me by buying a house that she needs to furnish. Not my problem. Of course, because my feelings are mixed up in this and my kids will live there is becomes my problem. What a mess.
Scott, my apologies, I somehow missed the part where the two of you had plans to engage in mediation. I think your lawyer's advice is spot-on. Your W is driving all this, and any bad timing is on HER, not you. If your mediation isn't scheduled yet, or is scheduled way past when W plans to move, well that's your W's fault. If the two of you can peacefully resolve division of furniture then go for it, I'm sure the mediator would tell you that if you can do that on your own then no problem, one less thing they have to assist with. BUT, like your L said, if you can't resolve it then put it off to the mediation. "But I'll have to move into an empty house blah blah blah!!!!" Just validate. "I understand this is frustrating for you." "So then give me XYZ!" "No, we don't agree on that. And since we can't come to an agreement we will have to resolve things through mediation."
Again like I said before, listen and validate, but hold your ground on what you feel is fair.
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I'm dreading it. I take the kids on vacation the week of 11/21 and when I get home lots of stuff will be gone and I'll be alone. I'm not ready for it. I can feel the anxiety just thinking about it.
I'm not going to sugar-coat this. This whole process is probably going to be the hardest thing you go through in your life. Certain steps, like the actual separation, are extremely painful. It feels like getting your insides ripped out. The best advice I can offer is allow yourself the pain and misery and suffering. Let it happen, don't pretend it's not happening. Don't try to bury it in a dark corner somewhere. Allow yourself to grieve. It's the shortest path to recovery. I am not a crier, was raised in a "men don't cry" household and as such, even if I want to cry I find it extremely difficult. But man oh man through BD and S I cried so much it was nuts. I bet in one week I cried more than I had in the previous 50 years before that. I have a 30 minute commute and would cry all the way to work. Then all the way home. Even after getting home sometimes I would lock myself in the bedroom and cry some more. It brought no immediate relief, but I think eventually it helped me get over things. Let it out in whatever way works for you. Maybe you scream in your car. Maybe you cry. Maybe you work out until your muscles are screaming out in agony. Maybe you gripe to a close friend (that doesn't know or talk to your W). I personally did all those and more. Please avoid drinking though, my brother nearly became an alcoholic after his separation. He gained a large amount of weight and was drinking every night. He let himself and his house go, and he really never has gotten over it even though it's been over 10 years.
I'm not going to sugar-coat this. This whole process is probably going to be the hardest thing you go through in your life. Certain steps, like the actual separation, are extremely painful. It feels like getting your insides ripped out. The best advice I can offer is allow yourself the pain and misery and suffering. Let it happen, don't pretend it's not happening. Don't try to bury it in a dark corner somewhere. Allow yourself to grieve. It's the shortest path to recovery. I am not a crier, was raised in a "men don't cry" household and as such, even if I want to cry I find it extremely difficult. But man oh man through BD and S I cried so much it was nuts. I bet in one week I cried more than I had in the previous 50 years before that. I have a 30 minute commute and would cry all the way to work. Then all the way home. Even after getting home sometimes I would lock myself in the bedroom and cry some more. It brought no immediate relief, but I think eventually it helped me get over things. Let it out in whatever way works for you. Maybe you scream in your car. Maybe you cry. Maybe you work out until your muscles are screaming out in agony. Maybe you gripe to a close friend (that doesn't know or talk to your W). I personally did all those and more. Please avoid drinking though.
OMG..Yes. The pain I felt was worse than the pain of my brother passing away.
The only thing I would like to add is to find a safe place to express and feel all your emotions. In the presence of your spouse is not a safe place to do this. You are the Rock than can handle this when in her presence.
Crying is an emotional release and I always feel better after a good cry. I channel my anger into productive actions. I keep thinking a rage room would be fun. Driving in my car with music triggers all of my emotions and I can let them out while driving. If they get overwhelming, I can pull over into a parking lot. I can scream with Anger. I can get sad and cry with some songs.
Hang in there brother.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I’m curious as to when you say “I feel like giving up”. What does that mean to you? If you decided you were giving up. What would change?
It means that I don't want to divorce bust anymore. I just want to be emotional and let stuff fall where it does. I don't want to try anything anymore. I just want to react, cry, whatever. I'm so worn out.
Scotty I know how you feel. I tried for two years to keep my family together. It's ok to cry. When my ex and kids took a trip for a week without me after D was filed, I was doing great great and enjoying my alone time. Then one day out of no where I hit the floor crying uncontrollably for a half hour. I couldn't even move it hurt so much. This is all a distant memory for me now.
I think it's time to lay down your guns and walk away. You fought a good fight. Four years in limbo is enough. Time to start thinking about your future in regards to the three of you as a family. What do you want to do with the house? We had a living room I was only in at Christmas time. It had all her furniture and she didn't want a TV in it. So the first thing I did when she left was put a 70 inch TV on the wall and bought all new furniture. Now it's my favorite room. You get to make all the decisions and can include your children too.
What you do not want to do is burn any bridges because you have no idea what the future holds. Hold firm on what's fair, cry when you are alone and keep moving forward.
Unfortunately by the time you got here your fate was sealed (you had no idea) and there was absolutely nothing you could have done to have prevented this outcome. I am really sorry and I do promise you that you will be happy again.
However I would like to make an important point. And that is that WE ALL came to this site to bust the divorce. WE ALL came here to save out marriage.
But this is not the point of this site. Divorce busting is not about saving marriages. It is about saving oneself. I will repeat this VERY important point. Divorce busting is not about saving the marriage, it is about saving yourself, getting through one of the most dificult times in your life and coming out the other end as a better person with more knowledge and newfound superpowers.
Divorce busting is about coping with sadness, coping with destruction of your life, coping with descimation of your family and it really does seem that your whole life gets turned into one hot mess.
What ever you are feeling at the moment, it will get better, you will be happy once again, you will thrive.
Hang in ther, you are not alone. There are people from all over the world in your corner rooting for you, willing to take the time out of their lives to help you get through this.
