Yep. Cant change a leopards spots I guess, I’m not even worried about her anymore, she disgusts me. She called me last night, texted me, told me to call her. I didn’t.
My December schedule came out. Sent it to her. She responded right away “wow your working Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and New Years?”
I responded “I’m not trying to be around you or your new family, I’ll see the kids when I can”
She replied “lol rude”
I replied “sorry you feel that way”
She responded “ok”.
Glad the holidays are out of the way. Even less reason for her to come up with anything. She got the schedule wayyyy in advance. I’m shooting to detach 100% by the end of the month. I’m trying hard.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Ovrrnbw, I watched that vid, dating guy no contact was really great. Thanks!
And thanks LH
Feels tough, feels wrong, that’s why I know it’s right.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
You are really doing the work! It’s paying off. Keep reading and learning! A great book Mentioned in another thread today is intimacy and desire. Also, Re read threads on cadets welcome post. They are so great and where you are at they are easy to put aside as “I know it already “. But speaking from experience I can tell you that you don’t.
The dating guy video was my tip
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
I’m gonna read NMMNG again. Same with 3% man 6 more times. And DB and DR. I will spend my alone time in my apt doing that. And hopefully the fitness center opens and I can start on that. For now it’s push ups and walking.
I kept hearing you guys beat me down lovingly about respect being the number one thing to address. So I hit it hard, yes she might not come back, but she will respect me from now on and I sure as hell feel better respecting myself. Cant fix anything until you have that foundation no matter what happens.
Last edited by Steve_; 11/09/2008:21 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
I was being facetious about your passive aggressive text. That’s a setback.
Let me ask you a question. You have read 3% man six times. From the six times you read it what part talks about pining away for a six time cheater?
Again, I’m not saying this is easy. You can read the book a thousand times and there is nothing you can learn that will change her. Until you get that I am afraid you are going to suffer immensely.
Hello Mr. Nice Guy! It's been tough, but you'll make it, and I can hardly wait to see the new Steve standing tall with self respect. You seem to be getting it, about the respect factor. Commanding respect is the approach you must have with a WW.
I want to talk about that long conversation with her. Whenever she says, "We need to talk", or ask if you'll meet her to talk.........run for the hills! Everything that comes out of this WW's mouth is a test!!! Don't be a sucker, Steve. Her aim is to get a reaction from you. Even a bad reaction is better than no reaction at all.......in the WW's way of thinking. That entire conversation was her getting your attention.
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She accused me of telling her family she took everything and that's why I haven't moved out yet. (what actually happened is that they asked when im moving out and I told them I have to get a bed, bunk bed, some other things, I have nothing but a TV and couch she took the rest but she is paying the bills for it).
She accused you..........and you rose to the occasion to defend yourself. As usual, for most LBH's they don't know when to shut up, and they keep on explaining themselves.
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She said okay, She then got mad that the nurses at work wanted to give me "hand me downs" on towels and silverware and so on and began crying
Why didn't you abruptly end the call and say, "I've got to go". It is no longer your job, or your place, to comfort her. You've been fired, remember? Let me tell you something, this is when the LBH has to apply tough love..........b/c it is necessary for the WW to experience loss, especially when it comes to her H. She has to feel she has lost your interest, your emotional attachment, your friendship, and everything you previously provided. You can't play the role of her counselor, protector, or BFF while she whines about her life! She's experiencing results that came from her bad choices, and that's exactly what needs to happen.
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I just said, this is the way things are now.
And then you went on & on & on.
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She asked me to call her and talk to her if I need something for the kids I said "I cannot call you, I cannot talk to you, Im sorry but we are not going to be friends, I wont be part of your life at all while your with OM, ive always been a great dad you know that and the kids are going to be okay I wont let them get hand me down silverware or beds it will be fine, I will be fine, I got this, I have to go back to work and just hung up."
She proved you wrong, Steve. You are being her friend. When you engage in her melt downs, you are being part of her life. When you assure her that the kids won't have to wear hand-me-downs, you are giving in to her emotional pity-party. Did you stop to consider she might need to worry about these things, b/c she chose to tear apart her family? Now that daddy promises to supply new clothes, she can spend her money on other things. It's not that you said anything terribly wrong. It's the fact you can't keep your yap shut. Once it opens, it doesn't stop. It's the fact she got a reaction from you! She didn't care what you were saying. She knows she still has you emotionally attached. That's what WW's do!
For any newcomer LBH who might read this post, please understand you don't impress a WW by explaining yourself. On the other hand, giving no response/reaction to her contacts is powerful. Every time she initiates contact, it's a test.
Oh, and let's not forget how the WW will set you up for a favor. She had this little angry crying session, and then she asks for a favor. She'll text one thing, and when you respond, she'll always have something else to add......trying to keep you engaged.
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Later she texted me asking me to watch the kids an extra day because she had work I responded "of course" and she asked me if I was taking the kids to my apartment or to her moms
See?
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I probably talked a bit to much here, but I wont be blamed for her guilt and reality creeping in. Ive done my best and im sticking to my guns now, I want to be in her new life as little as possible from now on.
I know it's hard not to defend yourself, but this isn't why she contacted you. When you read over that conversation, she goes from one subject to another........to keep you engaged.
I'm going to say this again, b/c I want you to really understand. The responses, other than being too long, were pretty good. The goal I want to challenge you is to remember what she's after. She wants you to respond to her, and she'll use whatever means to get it. That's how she keep you emotionally attached. That's how she keeps you available.
You can see no logic in her, b/c she strictly operates from emotions. Her emotions are very fickle.
Steve, you are going to make it. This wayward wife business is not for sissies! I applaud you for hanging with us, and taking the 2x4's to learn. It's not easy to see our sitch, our spouse, objectively. Don't let this post discourage you. It's meant to help you see from someone who was on the other side of the street. (((hugs)))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I got ya. Not upset. Guess I thought I was doing better than I was lol.
I sent her a text with the gate key code she has to call it and I have to let her in so she knows how to drop the kids.
She sent a text “can I get a house key too?” With a laughing face.
Not even going to respond to that at all.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
My December schedule came out. Sent it to her. She responded right away “wow your working Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and New Years?”
I responded “I’m not trying to be around you or your new family, I’ll see the kids when I can”
She replied “lol rude”
I replied “sorry you feel that way”
She responded “ok”.
Glad the holidays are out of the way. Even less reason for her to come up with anything. She got the schedule wayyyy in advance. I’m shooting to detach 100% by the end of the month. I’m trying hard.
Oooh, nope. You decided to work all holidays and not be with your kids because you don’t want to be around her “and her new family” that’s not coming from a place of strength. I am a nurse too. And my ex and I have a holiday custody schedule. I chose to work on the holidays I don’t have her. In 13 years, we never once spent the holidays as a family.
Be a strong man and come up with a custody schedule that allows you to take your fair turn. Don’t sound like the dad who avoids spending the holidays with his kids to avoid spending them with her. I know it’s hard, but much less talky talky
